Why were you faithful to one of your wives while you cheated on the other like crazy?
Why was one worthy of being faithful to but not the other?
[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 4:59 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
here is a lot of emphasis of finding out the whys of an affair. But, once the whys are discovered and addressed, how do you work through the guilt or shame? Does it interfere with accepting love and forgiveness from your BS? I guess im wondering how did WS's here forgive themselves; accept who they were or what they did? Books, IC? What could a BS do to help with that
Its hard one for sure, and still working at it. How to work through the guilt and shame. Accepting what I did and trying to learn from it, I'm not sure it will ever go away.
Yes it does interfere, Because it leaves me feeling unworthy, my issue in the first place. Its hard to believe , that my BH can be loving to me and loves me. For all that I have done to him, and it hard to get past the fact that by accepting that he loves me, I have lived the last 15 years missing out on a much better life. Cause with him loving me means I am worthy and everything I perceived was not true.!
In a way, as my BH says it, is the same for them. I can say I love him, Ican be loving to him, but he has a hard time believeing it, cause I changed his reality. In a way we have reversed roles. And it somewhat has allowed me to understand partially how he feels.
Yes IC and books help, I am learning the difference between shame and guilt and how it affect one perception of themselves. And taking action to change it.
As for what can the BS do. Just keep saying and doing what they do, I am taking this from my own relationship. Its hard to know which is true one day he can tell me he hates me, then the next hour he's telling me he loves me. But when he holds me I can feel it. When I am in his arms, I get a second of peace. ANd he says he feels better when we are holding each other too.
What caused you to end the A and want to pursue R, was it the discovery of the A or something else?
Both, It was my rock bottom, when he first found out, I told him I wanted to leave, the reality is it was my guilt talking, I had thought about it, and considered, finding a job, looked at what rent would cost, new I could do it. BUT, never took it any further, I had the job turned it down, I had access to the money didn't use it, I had lots of homes to choose didn't do it. It was taking a drug once it started, and quite a bit of the time if I was with the AP I was wishing it was my BH, sick I know. The things we doing for activities were what I wished I was doing with my BH. The AP was just a stand in. if that makes sense, and my brain and hormones kicked in and wanted more. In some ways I wish I snorted coke, for that fix.
Not sure if that helps.
I have our infant daughter with me. I left because I was hurt and angry after discovering the affair and months of lies, blaming, gas lighting, etc. The few times I approached him about the affair turned into huge screaming matches. I also knew I fell to pieces after the first time I thought I discovered the affair. I came to live with my parents so they could help me with the baby.
Ive not returned home because I needed to see consistent patience from him - no anger, frustration, walking away or hanging up on me, yelling, insulting- before I thought it safe to return. I saw glimpses of that, but nothing consistent. For instance, I was triggered by a work event he attended where the OW shows up. I brought up the need for him to look for another job. This is because they both previously broke NC for several months while i was pregnant. I don't feel safe when he works there.
Now he says that we cannot R as long as I am away. He is tired of not seeing his daughter everyday. I agree that begin separated makes it much harder on us all.
Am I sabotaging our chances by being stubborn and wanting to see some change before returning? Am I asking for too much (NC, transparency, answering my questions without anger, being available to talk when I'm really struggling without anger, find a new job, counseling) ? Our MC say that my husbands ultimatum is him reacting out of desperation. He is hurting and wants us back so badly, he is going through extreme measures to get us back, even if it is not the right way to do it. For some reason, this line if thinking does to mke me feel better. Were you ever so angry or disgusted with yourself that you directed it towards your BS? I"m trying to understand how he can ask for us to return while obviously looking annoyed and frustrated with men ad the situation. It does not make returning him look very good to me.
~~Tao Te Ching
What caused you to end the A and want to pursue R, was it the discovery of the A or something else?
Yes, it was discovery.
Before being busted, I begrudgingly had decided to end the A because I had decided my XH was the better partner. It wasn't until I was actually faced with the reality of my M ending that I realized it was something I actually wanted to repair.
I agree that you need certain things from your WS and I don't think you're asking too much. However, I do think separation makes R very difficult. It's an unfair position for you to be in, since it was WS's actions that led to this and he's the one giving ultimatums. I don't agree with his issuing an ultimatum, at all, but I do see his point about separation. I'm sure I would feel the same way---especially with a new baby. However, given that he claims to want R so badly, he should be doing everything you need him to do in order to make that a reality.
Married 2.5 years
Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.
You are not wrong in sticking to your guns and enforcing your requirements for R. You didn't ruin anything... HE did.
I understand him thinking R can't happen while you are apart, but the ball is in HIS court. You're not staying out of the home to "punish" him---you're staying out until he meets your requirements, which is reasonable and healthy for you and your baby.
Talk is cheap. His actions are what count.
Update: attempting to reconcile
I did not accuse my XH of cheating after I got caught...even though he started fucking my xBFF within 2 weeks of D-day and had her moved in to the marital home within a month. We were separated heading to D so I didn't consider it "cheating." My mother DID accuse him of committing adultery, which by technical definition he did, although it wasn't "cheating" to me. I did consider it sleazy in the way it all went down though. But she ended up cheating on him anyway, at which point I cued up the world's tiniest violin.
Disclaimer #1: my mother had found out about my A by that time, and
Disclaimer #2: she did not accuse XH in person. She is more gracious than that.
As for having been afraid he would cheat in revenge: I never gave it much thought because we moved so quickly into D.
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:55 PM, December 9th (Monday)]
Most likely she wants to sweep it under the rug and move on. She doesn't want to burden herself with the guilt she might feel, if she mentally goes back and documents her wrongdoings.
Don't let her get away with that. For both your sakes.
To answer your question, yes. Many of the As I've read about here, start out in the workplace and progress from "just friends" to something more. So it may legitimately be difficult to nail down a date when the conversations became inappropriate. But it's also very common for WSs to claim to "forget," at first too. It's also common for us to give half-truths, in a misguided attempt to avoid hurting our BS.
Welcome to SI. May I encourage you to post in Just Found Out or General, where the veteran BSs can offer you support and solidarity?
Did any of the WS confess their Affair? If so, why?
Anyhoo, I confessed. Why? Because I hit my rock bottom. I had effed my/our life up completely. I had broken vows I made to my husband and he had a right to know what I was doing. I had wronged him and it was his business to know what I had been doing and make a decision based off the information he was given.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
did any of you only want to reconcile because you had kids?
and were scared to loose your life as a 'family'?
I was very scattered at the time. I was overwhelmed with a lot of fear and anxiety. I realized my marriage would be over if I stood back and did nothing and I didn't want that. I also wanted out of my A and thought one of the only ways to get out and the AP to go away was to confess.
Even though I confessed, I still tried to manipulate the outcome, by lying, to save my skin. I put my BW through hell for a long time prior to my A, I was horrible to her during my A and I still didn't respect her feelings enough to be honest after confessing. My selfishness didn't suddenly go away overnight just because I confessed and the A ended.
I am not proud of myself on any level for my behavior or how I treated my BW. I know if I had just ended my A and kept it to myself and tried to smooth things over with my BW, I would not have changed anything about myself. I would forever be in self protection mode, and we would never share any honesty and true intimacy in our relationship as we have now. I needed to be humbled. Plus, I think my wife would have blamed herself for our marriage ending.
We don't have kids and financially we are both secure so the only reason for us getting this far is for us. I consider my wife my family.
No to wanting to R for the kids---we didn't have kids.
Yes to being scared of losing my life & family.
But that was on D-day. Now, almost 4 years later, we are in R just because we love each other.
This is something I am struggling with now. I've moved beyond focusing on the affair. But I am now questioning myself: do I want to fight so hard for a marriage that was miserable, in large part, because I was the only person participating in it? And even I checked out of it after awhile? I'm not perfect…but I tried to be a partner in every sense and was essentially shut out by my husband. He is taking a lot of steps towards changing his ways but I hesitate to reconcile if that is what marriage looks like to him and if he can't take responsibility for why things sucked.