how does a BS get to have what they want (an M without adultery) with their WS?
It's the only reason why we're doing what we're doing. It wouldn't work for everyone, obviously---the fact that we don't have kids, for example, is huge---but it's the only way my XH could have had a relationship with me ever again.
It took us two years (post-divorce) to even get to a place of dating again. Luckily, my XH still wanted me. Luckily, I still wanted him. Now we're talking remarriage and when that happens, we will have our M without adultery.
The past is still the past, though. I still cheated on him. In every case, it can't be erased.
As others have said, you either find a way to live with it while staying married or you don't. Either choice is perfectly valid.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
I DO define my wife by her actions immediately before, during and after the affair.
An affair and 4 years of deceit aren't something I can whistle away.
I don't want an "insta-cure" I want the feelings I had for her, back.
In your case, your BS knew about your cheating, right?
So , in fact, you did try to prove to your husband that he was who you wanted and desired, right?
But I still have a problem with the idea that your issues are more important than your BS's needs.
I did a million and one things to help my husband heal. I already told you everything I did. Not going thru it again.
I fixed myself, and did what I could to help him. This was not an either/or thing. They went hand in hand.
Both you and Unexpected talk of doing the work for yourselves. I never hear that you are doing the work for BOTH and your spouse.
There is no WS on the planet that can wave a magic wand and heal their BS. There is three things that heal in a marriage. WS, BS, the marriage. The WS is responsible for themselves and half the marriage. The BS ultimately has to fix themselves. Sure the WS can aid in that process, but the ultimate decision is up to the BS. That's where the term, "Biting off a piece and swallowing the crap sandwich" comes from.
Yes, fixing myself was also a sacrifice of love and dedication to my husband. I didn't do it however, to manipulate the results. I did it for me, I did it for him, I did it for us. Again, they all go hand in hand.
It sounds as if your husband's love is farther down the list,
It's ultimately paramount.
I have to do it for myself first and foremost. Otherwise, it won't stick and I would get resentful. It's like my diet analogy that I used earlier.
I will be my wife's first priority or I will not be married to her.
I always put her first, because I loved her
Very interesting. I never wanted to be first. I don't want anyone to put me first. And I do not put anyone else first. The self should be first.
And you are confounding putting oneself first with selfishness. I had the A because I no longer cared about myself.
But it always comes down to you. If you want a wife who puts you first, then you deserve to have a wife who puts you first. And if your wife's affair broke everything, it is your prerogative to decide that.
You have to do what works for you.
[This message edited by Bdell at 10:42 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]
I swear that every day I wake up, I have a different outlook.
In a moment of rage, you'll growl, "Fuck it, I'm done!" Ten minutes later, you're a puddle in the floor, crying for her to love you forever. That is why they call this the roller coaster. It's literally a moment by moment process.
How does QS handle it?
Or how did he handle it when it was fresh?
Like we were tested, trial by fire, and emerged together, with a knew knowledge of US, and what we're made of.
Is it a 24/7 bowl of cherries? No. Is it exciting? YES.
We are soulmates. Till death do us part. I fucked that up once. Never again...
How do you handle it now? Are you sure of yourself enough to be "affair proof?
Are you in love with your BS's, now? And I mean the head over heels kind of romantic love?
My love now is much more grounded, mature. My love is more healthy. I love him in the Cinderella/Prince Charming, head over heels, fireworks, flowers, and fancy Hallmark cards way. I love him in the, "I'll help you bathe and clean up your vomit when you're sick", wash your laundry, cook your dinner, every day love kind of way.
Love is a package deal. Sure, romance is all well and good. But life isn't a fantasy or a fairy tale. You also need the non-butterfly, stable love. The love that flays open your heart and shows the good, the bad, the ugly, and walks hand in hand thru another day.
[This message edited by Bdell at 8:16 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]
Wow! This is awesome and so resonated with me!!!!!! THAT'S what I need to see for even a hope!!! Looking within rather than clinging on to me. How long did it take you to get there? It's not the act/acts/actions that horrify me. It's the part that drove or ok'd them. I'm realistic and self aware enough to know I'm capable are shit that is unhealthy too. I constantly take stock. That's what your statement said to me. I want him to get there himself, though.
US, was this something your spouse guided or was this a self realization?
What can I do for my WH? 4 months post DDay, yes I'm still a mess but we are working on reconciliation and it is going frighteningly well. I always thought the world of my H. I mean that. To me I won the husband lottery. I never thought he was perfect...just nearly.
We are in MC (and were during the 3 month affair) and he is in IC. I DO believe that the root of this A was his lack of self esteem. It wasn't me, it wasn't the OW. It wasn't the marriage. It was HIM. All the time I felt so lucky to have him (and he made me feel the same) he says he felt like I didn't respect him, didn't value his opinion, felt like he was less than me, thought I married "down"...etc. WTH?! Nothing could be further than the truth and even in the face of things that prove it, he just doesn't' believe it. I am fully convinced it is because his self esteem is so low he doesn't believe he deserves it. No one who knows him would have thought he had an esteem issue.
I do NOT forgive him yet for what he has done. I can't trust him yet. I'm still incredibly hurt and fragile, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help him...for him, and for US. I have written him letters that go over all the things in our marriage that he has done as a husband and a father to be proud of. I've told him time and again, that I don't believe the A has to define him. I have told him that while this situation has hurt our children (17 and 19) that he can use it to show them about redemption, remorse, and forgiveness. I even told him that even though I really did think of him as near perfect I don't expect him to be. I know he will be irritated, lazy, selfish, impatient, etc, just like all of us, because I don't want him to feel like he has to be perfect and can't.
WHAT can I do to help him. Yes, I want this for him, no matter what happens with us, but I also worry that if he doesn't fix it, something like this will happen again and the damage to EVERYONE will be SO much worse.