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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
gotmylifeback
♂ Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that got dovorced and are in new relationships now, did you mention or discuss your A with your new SO? How far into dating did you bring it up if at all. Does the A continue to get brought up or is it something that is "in the past" so It shouldnt be talked about? Has your past A been a dealbreaker during the dating phase?


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband
DD-21 and no contact with her mother
Divorced 2012
Enjoying new beginning with SO!!!
"To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities" - Bruce Lee


Posts: 579 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotmylifeback:

For those that got dovorced and are in new relationships now, did you mention or discuss your A with your new SO? How far into dating did you bring it up if at all. Does the A continue to get brought up or is it something that is "in the past" so It shouldnt be talked about? Has your past A been a dealbreaker during the dating phase?

I'm a divorced fWS. I always bring it up during the dating process. Usually by the third date if not sooner. It really depends on now comfortable we are with one another and how much personal information we are sharing. I feel potential partners deserve to know my history.

Once disclosed, it's usually discussed a bit afterward. I'm more than comfortable answering any and all questions and sharing my journey of healing. It's an important part of my history. I'm not proud of what I did, but I am proud of how far I have come.

My affair has never been a deal breaker for anyone I've dated and that includes a fair number of BS's. They can tell that I am remorseful and changed. Interestingly, a high percentage have also disclosed wayward behavior in their own past, once I talk about my experience. Sadly, affairs are very common.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though I'm currently reconciling with my XH, I dated another man, a former BS, after the divorce and I told him I was divorced due to my committing adultery before our first date. Figured he'd better know what he was getting into ASAP.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught my WW and she had never confessed anything before I found it. She seems to regret what she does but doesn't want to R right now. Also isn't chasing anyone at the moment. She just wants to move out. I often feel as if she doesn't want to commit to D or R.

I pushed her off the fence last week and told her she had to commit to one or the other. She chose D and said it's because I won't be patient. Just looking for any insight from the knowledgeable WSs here. Should I buy this or is there possibly something more?


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When PIs gave me the evidence of her affair and I confronted my ex-w, I asked her to stop seeing OM and work on our marriage and family. She said (simply), "I can't do that right now". I filed later that day.

I couldn't live like that and could not even pretend to. For myself and our kids, the hypocrisy and the pain was too much.

It took over two years to get divorced, almost $70,000 and my sanity.

But I have never even considered whether it was the right thing to do.

For me, this was not a choice.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed months ago. Been sitting in limbo since then. I guess I just needed to commit myself


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it that WS don't realize until AFTER the affair, how much they have to loose? And not before? Thanks for any input.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Posts: 154 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that's a fair question. If they did that, they might not stray. My WS justified the A before it happened when I want paying attention to her. She never thought to replace me until it was right there in front of her. So why would they not consider what they have to lose? Because they feel like they have already lost it


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No12turn2,

Please do not answer questions on this thread. It is specifically for BSs to get responses from waywards.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34731 | Registered: Sep 2007
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB903 - re: detachment, I mean saying things you don't mean because they are the things someone - BS or the OP - wants to hear, it keeps the A going, etc. I saw a text exchange between my husband and AP. He said stuff like "I want to be with you for the long haul…" but he now says he had no intention to follow through and in fact his procrastination was a source of frustration to the AP. He did not follow through on her "deadline." Yes, blindsiding your family and leaving them for your AP makes the perfect holiday gift! When he did not come through by January 2013, she gave him a 6 month extension. LOL. Wow…pathetic. Here's a hint: don't date a married man.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bad


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it that WS don't realize until AFTER the affair, how much they have to loose? And not before?

In my case, it was totally an issue of taking him (my XH) for granted. Unlike some WS, I never demonized my XH or used any marital problems (either real or imagined) to justify my affair. I didn't even TRY to justify it even in my own mind. I called that spade a spade from the beginning---"I want to be with OM, and I don't care how much I have to lie and sneak and how many innocent people I have to step on to make that happen." I didn't appreciate my XH---because I wasn't even thinking about him or caring about him at all during the A.

I also felt that I wouldn't be "losing much" if I divorced XH. I (naively) felt that most of my life would remain the same; I would simply be swapping one relationship for another.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think disclosing everything, even things you are virtually certain your BS cannot find out about the affair, is helpful or hurtful to the healing process?


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB903 - re: detachment, I mean saying things you don't mean because they are the things someone - BS or the OP - wants to hear, it keeps the A going, etc.

I see.

I have wondered if, deep down, the OM knew I would turn out to be too chicken to leave my XH for him. I meant it when I said it (the talk about leaving, being together openly, etc.) but I don't know if he knew what I didn't yet know---that I would turn out changing my mind.

To my recollection, I don't think I said anything I didn't mean (at that time) in order to keep the A alive. I do not know if the OM said anything like that to me. I suppose it is possible. The balance of power WRT to "what if" talk was more to my side, though, because I was the one who was married. He was free and able to be with anyone (which means I suppose in that way HE had the power---he could have gone anywhere).


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think disclosing everything, even things you are virtually certain your BS cannot find out about the affair, is helpful or hurtful to the healing process?

In my situation, regarding disclosure, I've found it helpful to disclose only that which my XH wants/wanted to know. He found out much of it on his own. Those things he asked me about immediately after D-day, I disclosed. We divorced and we didn't talk about anything A-related for two years. Once we began to reconcile, we had a couple of talks about the past and I told him that I'd always be willing to discuss the A or answer any questions he might have. He asked about a few things and I answered honestly. He then said the subject was dropped and he had nothing further to say or deal with regarding my A. I told him that my commitment to answering anything he asks still stands and would stand indefinitely.

I'm sure there are things about my A he doesn't know, but that's not due to my deliberately withholding or preventing him from finding out. Again, I think what's helpful or hurtful is what helps or hurts that particular person---I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all issue.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think disclosing everything, even things you are virtually certain your BS cannot find out about the affair, is helpful or hurtful to the healing process?

For me this was not only helpful, but necessary. Hiding things is wayward activity. It took me a long time to figure this one out, but once I exposed everything, I had nothing left to hide or to lie about. I had given myself a clean foundation to build an authentic me.

I think the idea of only disclosing a percentage of the truth is dangerous. If a BS only wants a percentage of the whole truth, then I don't believe the relationship will ever be authentic, which is our goal.

JMO


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrea -

Do WS compare the BS with the OW?

Sure. My H is the best, most amazing man I've ever known. The OM had nothing on him.

But it didn't matter. The A was not about my H nor about my M.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
gotmylifeback
♂ Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a lot of emphasis of finding out the whys of an affair. But, once the whys are discovered and addressed, how do you work through the guilt or shame? Does it interfere with accepting love and forgiveness from your BS? I guess im wondering how did WS's here forgive themselves; accept who they were or what they did? Books, IC? What could a BS do to help with that?

Thanks in advance.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband
DD-21 and no contact with her mother
Divorced 2012
Enjoying new beginning with SO!!!
"To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities" - Bruce Lee


Posts: 579 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I'm going to try this again. How do you help your BS feel that all the information is disclosed if they are asking for all the information, especially if information is TT from the beginning?


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 366 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
ruby44
♀ Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:
What caused you to end the A and want to pursue R, was it the discovery of the A or something else?


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home. We are slowly working toward that but are still

Posts: 262 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
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