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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
unsure18
♀ New Member
Member # 42019
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH seems remorseful, but he admits that he doesn't have the full blown "love" feelings for me, but really wants to try to work it out. He feels if we go on from here and both work at improving our relationship, that he will get those feelings back for me. He does tell me he "loves" me, but it's more of the you're a great mom and wife love, not the type of love I need to pull me through this. Any thoughts?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unsure - WH here. Sounds like your WH has a case of SDD going (Selfish Delusional Douche).

"He feels..."
"If we both work..."
"He'll get back his feeling..."
"Doesn't have full blown love..."

My thoughts? That he is not exhibiting remorse. That he is foggy. That he is blame shifting. And that he has no fucking right to say or do anything unless it involves pulling his head out of his ass and looking in the mirror.

Send him here to the Wayward Side. We'd love to say hello.

Please share with other BS's on the BS threads and get the support and guidance for your current marital state.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Figured I would get some input here on something I found out. So I outed my WW to our friends on Facebook the week of Thanksgiving by posting photos of her and OM from a public domain website so there was nothing she could come back to me on. Found out last night that the following week she tried to get a restraining order against me saying that I was stalking her and crazy with meds. Obviously nothing happened but WTF is my question. You can read my profile for my story, it is a doozy.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I have a question for some WS.

My H had an EA which lasted approx 12mths. He claims to this day (it ended in Dec 2012) that he never wanted to meet her, that it wasn't 'sexual' for him, he didn't fancy her and felt they were just mates. He later admitted to having cybersex with her in total about 3 or 4 times (which probably meant a lot more), but felt it was more like a conversation that got out of hand! He had cybersex with a lot of women online (which he has told me about, and some were very sexual explicit and quite shocking what they talked about) but with 'her' he wasn't interested, it was more like a dirty conversation, more of a dare to see how far the other one would go etc!

They met online in a chat room and used to talk, until her pc broke down and they had NC for about 3 weeks, before she stopped using the pc, she gave him her mobile number and home number.

He wouldn't let her have his mobile number as it is a work phone, and also because I would pick it up at times to use it, so in May of 2012, he went out and bought a cheap pay as you go mobile so he could keep in touch with her. (He hid this from me obviously)

He threw the phone and sim card back in Dec 2012 after I found out about his online cyber stuff with other women, and he stopped all contact with 'her' - he didn't even tell her he was stopping all contact, just 'woke up' one day and thought wtf am I doing, and got rid of phone ... he then deleted his Hotmail account, and stopped using pc so no contact with any other women either.

I didn't find out about 'her' until Oct 2013, 11 mths after I found out about the online cybersex with other women. He told me that he never EVER talked about me, she knew he was married but didn't even know my name. She didn't know we had kids and were at the time going thru adoption to adopt another 2 children. He kept things about our life together away from her. They would talk about normal daily things, work, weather, her life ... she tended to go to him with her problems and he would try and advise as best he could. As mates do!

I'm a woman, I know she didn't think of him as a mate! She did ask him one day if they lived closer together hypothetically, would he meet her for coffee. He said no, because I'm married ... she replied, its only coffee ... he then said, I have no intention on meeting with anyone. I'm not sure if I believe him or not, I would like to think that's what he did say, but I will never know!! But I do believe my husband when he says he didn't meet with her (she lives a plane ride away across the water from us)

So, I asked my H a few days ago, that if he missed her when she stopped using the pc enough to go and buy a mobile phone, did he miss her when he got rid of the phone, he says No ... that he 'woke up' and realised that he didn't want that life, that he knew if I found out I would be devastated (understatement!!!) so he got rid of it!

From what I have read on WS threads, they (you) do miss your AP or your EAP .... does he miss her?

Also, he says he NEVER thinks about what happened ... ever, not when driving to work, or when he is on his own. Says he wants to forget and only thinks about it when I question him or bring something up about it.

I think about it every day ... is it right that he doesn't think about it at all!!!!

Please be honest with me ... do you WS think about what you did? Do you wonder what would have happened if things had turned out differently etc? I do, all the time ... I just cant believe that he doesn't!


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
shatteredapart
♀ Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question...My first Dday was back in September. I was devastated. After hours of us going round and round about what my WS was doing I knew it was not just a friendship but at minimum an EA. He sent her a text (which I didn't see. ...He said it read, got in trouble with my wife. We can't talk anymore). After that extremely painful and gut wrenching weekend I took ownership of what I did wrong in our marriage. I practically did a 180. I wanted to fix myself and in turn fix our marriage. I wanted my WS to see I was committed to moving forward and fixing us. Dday #2 was hard but I plowed on, half heartedly convincing myself that he would not break contact again. When I found out that was not the case right before Christmas I lost it. I left with the kids. A few days later after several tense discussions he admitted that he had not been committed to changing and fixing the relationship the first time but realized he was wrong and wanted to do the work I had been doing to strengthen and fix us. He said he didn't know why and that he didn't want our marriage to end. He said I had been doing everything right. So question for WS: Did you not fully commit the first time? Should I believe that he's truly trying? He has given me some "trust" things to build on but they're not consistent and he hasn't given all that he said he would (but most). Some I've had to beg, plead and fight for (2 things). I'm feeling frustrated because I don't see the same quick changes that I made. He feels I'm being too demanding and overbearing. He says he's trying and to give him time. How much time? Am I being unrealistic? I need him to be more empathetic, more engaged with me, extra loving. I want him to participate more in our household. It's been my biggest marriage issue...I feel he only hangs his hat here. He does almost nothing around the house except clearing dishes and sometimes taking out the garbage. I want him fully involved in the marriage, family and household. Please give me some answers and realistic guidance. Thank you!


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to know if I have something to worry about here, or if I'm just being paranoid, and I figure a WS would best be able to judge. Forgive me for the length, but I don't want to miss anything that might be of importance. My story in brief for a bit of background: My dday was in Nov of 2012. I found out while looking in my WW's email she had been in a PA for about 2 1/2 years with an old BF. There was also an EA that had started that spring with someone she knew through work (not a co-worker) and seemed well on it's way to becoming a PA had I not found out when I did. Since that time I've wondered if there were others, but she purged her email after I confronted her so I never got a chance to check it for any other evidence. She's insisted there were no others.

Now to where this started. The February after dday I was in the hospital for a colonoscopy (fun fun) and was in pre-op. WW was in there with me and was occasionally texting. After reading one text she rolled her eyes and said "He's such a dumbass." I asked who she was talking about and she said it was the security guard at work. She read the text and I don't remember it verbatim, but it was something about she and I having hospital sex or something along those lines. That got my hackles up and I asked something about him and she told me I had nothing to worry about with him because he's not her type, he has a moustache, is a smoker blah, blah, blah (when we first met I had a moustache and so did AP#2. Also, her first H smoked so I don't really see those as deal killers for her). Since dday of course I've been on high alert and that really made me focus on watching what happens with him as much as I could. What I know about them is they have always (as long as I've known her) been on friendly terms. I really wonder just how friendly since he feels comfortable enough to send her a sexually oriented text and she thinks nothing of it. Can't say I have any females friends I feel I could send that kind of text to, even in jest.

I really have no evidence other than circumstantial, but this is what there is:
Texts. In looking back at phone records when I was still finding out about her A's there were maybe 12 texts a month with this guy. I know that they text each other occasionally regarding work. i.e. from him things like "I signed for a package for you and left it on your breakroom table". From her: "I need a temp parking pass for a friend of mine". Generic stuff like that. In Sept. 2012 the number of texts between them shot up to like 120, and during that time her PA was going through a rough patch. Typically there's maybe 2-5 between them in a day high end when there are any. There are other times though that the texts have been deleted. Ok, I know sometimes she has to purge texts because the memory gets full, but there have been times the texts between them have been deleted, but two week old texts are there. Last Wed. she had a text from him asking if he could meet her in her breakroom, that he needed to talk. She said "sure". Friday, I was checking the phone records and there were about 30 texts between them. I was leaving to go out of town shortly after work, so when I got home I had to load up and go, so I never had a chance to check her phone. By the time I got home Sunday and was able to check it, they were gone. She was at home alone, but had a couple of GF's over to scrapbook so I know there wasn't any funny business. But I do wonder why so many texts, and what did he have that he needed to talk to her about.

Things she's said: Now this is someone she refers to as a dumbass, and never really has anything good to say about. But there she is, being a friend when he needs it. How much of a friend I don't know. A couple of years ago he was thinking of looking for another job and asked her to write a letter of recommendation which she did. Shortly before Christmas she tells me he told her he had gotten a diamond ring and necklace for his wife, and she said to me, "Aren't you glad you don't have a wife that expects that kind of thing?" I asked if she told him what her cheapskate husband was getting her and she said, "He doesn't give a shit what you're giving me." Oh. So why was it that I give a shit about what he was giving his wife? A few weeks after that the office had closed for Christmas and one of her co-workers texted that she had left her wedding ring at the office and did WW think the security guard would get it for her and keep it until she could get up there to get it. WW says to me she's not sure he was trustworthy enough for that. He might take the ring and pawn it or something and say he couldn't find it. Um, if he was able to buy his wife a diamond ring and necklace, why would he need to steal that ring? I didn't ask, but it made me wonder. Also, if he's so untrustworthy, why is she a friend to him?

Ok, last couple of things. When I was checking her emails after dday I was checking email addresses. His was in there, but one that wasn't in her address book but came up when doing a search after putting in the first couple of letters in his name was (variation of his name)@sexiass.com. I did a search and the only thing I could find was a reference on a website with domain information and best I could tell it went down mid-2012. So what that was exactly I have no idea. The other thing is, during spring break last year the office was closed, but she needed to go up there to do a few things. She got dressed like she would for a regular day at the office and was wearing a low cut top. I said something about her being overdressed for the office to be closed. She said she didn't have anything else to wear because she'd gotten too fat, and that she hadn't even taken a shower. Oddly enough the next day she was wearing a shirt that she used to wear to work, but had gotten a little worn for the office and it fit fine. It also showed no cleavage.

So. Is there a "there" there? Or am I just being overly analytical and paranoid?


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony


Posts: 257 | Registered: Dec 2012
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you forgive yourself and deal with the shame you felt?


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 604 | Registered: Oct 2011
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken2013

Please be honest with me ... do you WS think about what you did? Do you wonder what would have happened if things had turned out differently etc?

I think about it every day. I did occasionally wonder what would have happened had things turned out differently. I've pondered many different scenarios. But I don't do that anymore...it's a waste of time. "What if"s are part of what led to the affair. "What is" is far more important to me now.


forgivingnow

How did you forgive yourself and deal with the shame you felt?

I wouldn't say I have forgiven myself. I don't believe forgiveness (either from myself or from others) is necessary to heal. As for dealing with the shame...I deal with it by moving forward with my life in a positive direction. I have a saying that I keep in mind: "As long as there's forward motion, it's progress." The past 4 years, I haven't expected to be perfect immediately. As long as every day I was striving to be a little bit better than the day before, I was satisfied.

The shame of my A behavior will never be erased. It's always there, in the back of my mind (and, often when I'm on SI, at the forefront of my mind). More than 4 years after the start of the affair, I still literally cringe with shame and disgust when I think of the things I did. But I've changed and improved so much---that helps to deal with it.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:35 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2098 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DazedWI
1. What made my WW want someone that is the same age as her dad?
Could be anything - including availability. Your description of her 'daddy issues' the other day seemed spot on, I suggest you use that as a working hypothesis.

2. Why would she do something like this when we had everything going for us in our lives.
You, as a couple, may have had everything going for you - but she was still broken, developmentally challenged even. For me, the circumstances of my life and our marriage were not enough to get me to work on my cowardice and validation issues, since I didn't put in the work myself.

3. What makes someone unremorseful and little contact after I caught her at the OM's home?
Looks like she chose flight rather than fight. I agree with Heartbroken0903 on this. As for 4, 5, and 6 - I really can't tell. I'm sorry you're still grasping after these elusive 'reasons'.

Shatteredapart

He said he didn't know why and that he didn't want our marriage to end.
Figuring out why is very important - how else can he be a safe partner for you? His 'why' probably has nothing to do with you, or what you are doing in your marriage.

Did you not fully commit the first time? Should I believe that he's truly trying?
I didn't fully commit after dday. I held back a major lie for weeks, until my husband found out. There was basically no truth left to tell on my own, and no trust left to build on. So I had to start from scratch, trusting him with the real me. I think my husband believed I was truly trying because he saw how hard it was for me to be honest, and he saw some of the techniques I used to change my behaviour and my thought patterns. What would it take for you to believe your husband is trying? The same quickness that you've felt in changing? More initiative? Less complaining?

He feels I'm being too demanding and overbearing. He says he's trying and to give him time. How much time? Am I being unrealistic? I need him to be more empathetic, more engaged with me, extra loving. I want him to participate more in our household.
Finding out why he cheated, and changing the underlying beliefs that govern behaviour will take time. Lots of it - though I couldn't give you an exact time frame. I agree that you should give him time for that (although you're not obligated to stay with him in the mean time). However, engaging in the home and with you really doesn't take all that much time. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I see no reason that he can't work on himself while also doing the things that you need him to do for you and his family. I'd suggest you help him create a list, though, and that you don't mind too much that he doesn't think of things on his own. I still use a timer to remind me to pick up the kids, sometimes...


WearingTheHorns

Is there a "there" there? Or am I just being overly analytical and paranoid?
Could be both. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there wasn't anything going on. I'm not familiar with your story. If your wife seems to be open and honest about her affairs now, I'd probably think her shady behaviour was 'simply' par for the course. If she's not that forthcoming, I'd assume the worst.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
shatteredapart
♀ Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

leftoolate thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. It means a lot to me and your insight is very appreciated. I'm going to try to back off on pushing so hard for quick changes and continuing to let him know that any positive actions/changes are noticed and appreciated.
Do you think talking about the affair every day pushes them away? I'm only 3 weeks into my last Dday. He says it makes him feel like he's a f*cl up that can't do anything right and he needs a mental break from being pounded about it everyday.


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi shatteredapart,

Do you think talking about the affair every day pushes them away?

Hmm, yes and no - sorry. It's difficult to talk about the affair, as you well know. It takes a lot of effort, mental and emotional, both to speak and to listen. Add to that, for me at least, the new skills that I had to apply in those talks (active listening, tuning in, honesty, subtitling, processing together), it was really hard. And yes, I can easily imagine him wanting to avoid that hardship.

However - I'd say your need to know takes precedence over his need to avoid, at this point. The fulfilment of your need to talk will eventually bring you, and him, healing. The fulfilment of his need to avoid will prolong your suffering and do nothing for him in the end.

To be honest, I can't imagine not talking about it every day at three weeks out... Perhaps agree on a set time and place for daily talks, until you both don't need that anymore? Include an 'affair talk free day' every now and then to give your nerves a rest? Perhaps another or an additional means of interaction, on paper or e-mail to help guide your talks?

Anyway, I really hope he steps up.

~L.

edited for lay out issues...

[This message edited by leftoolate at 9:18 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lefttoolate,

I appreciate the response. I am actually doing very well considering everything that has gone on. The questions that I have been asking are more to help me try and get some understanding, I am an engineer and for whatever reason I always need to try and find out what/why things happened when they go wrong. Ultimately the woman I loved and married is dead, that realization has helped immensely.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken0903
Thank you. It helps so much to hear your perspective.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 604 | Registered: Oct 2011
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again. If you have time, please read my post in JFO http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=518082&AP=101&HL=39192.

I really need to hear the perspective of a WS. My WH has not been very understanding when to it comes to me choosing to stay separated. He asks me to come home in both nice and not so nice ways. I don't return home, despite a deep desire to do so, because I was kind go testing him - I wanted to know that we could talk about the affair and how all that happened hurts me to this day- without either an angry outburst or him just walking away. He could do it from time to time, but never with any consistency. And I felt like we were back at square one with each argument.
He says our separation makes things difficult and I am trying to control things and torture him by moving away and asking him questions. Ido agree that separation are it harder, but I needed him to show me that he was going to me patient. Now he wants nothing of me, wants a divorce, and blames me for the divorce because I've 'never wanted to return in the first place and only wanted to torture him." Did you or any other WH's react the same way? Is he just so disgusted with himself that he cannot tolerate what I am asking him to do? Please help me understand. I filed for divorce this week and it is tearing me apart.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works with his AP. She lives in a different state, but they still have to talk on the phone and email as well as attend conferences and training events with their work team away from home 2-3 times a year. At these conferences, there is always a lot of drinking and socializing after the work day is done. It is a small work team (10?) and the culture is that if you don't partake, you are ostracized.
My husband had an EA with this woman - so I'm told only EA. I knew for months before I finally caught him red-handed and just begged him to tell me the truth. He insisted she was no more than a friend. I wanted to believe him, but kept finding small lies that told a different picture.
When I finally caught him- he was relieved. I recorded a phone call. In the phone call, I could tell he was trying to end the A and wasn't as into his AP as she was into him. She was ready to leave her husband and her home town...
My question is- do you WS honestly think that this can be reconcilled as long as he works with her? I get feeling good about things, and then he has to go on one of these work trips and everything goes to hell. I wonder what goes on there. I know he is not talking to her while he is at home under the same roof as me- but I don't know about when he is actually with her. He comforts me tonnes and lets me ask a million questions and feels really badly every time we go through this.

I have thought about asking him to leave his job, but it's the only job he has ever done in the last 12 years he really loves. I think eventually he will come to the conclusion that he should leave- he finds working with her a big pain now (or so he says...) - and I sort of want HIM to come to the decision. I think forcing him only makes things hostile. I know if someone forced me to leave MY job that I love, I would be angry. Although- I didn't have an A at work...

Also- how can he go from being so "in love" with this woman that he would risk losing his boys and his wife to saying that his feelings for her weren't actually real and that he was just so unhappy with himself? Can I actually believe that?

I have such trouble sorting all of these feelings out...A year and a half later....


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Klove,

do you WS honestly think that this can be reconcilled as long as he works with her?

My answer is no. What is yours? What do you think? Because that's what matters.

Also, this:

how can he go from being so "in love" with this woman that he would risk losing his boys and his wife to saying that his feelings for her weren't actually real and that he was just so unhappy with himself? Can I actually believe that?

From an unfogged WS, I can tell you that the risk of losing family may not have held any weight whatsoever. There's a very good chance that your WS never thought of consequence because he never felt he would be caught. Some Waywards ignore or block out rational cause and effect scenarios. Some realize they are exhibiting risky behavior, but the thought of consequence doesn't affect their actions. I feel like I'm getting off course here, but what I mean to say is that it might never add up because the behavior is not measurable in terms of this much that much. What you can believe or choose to believe is that he is most likely out of the fog and hopefully acting rationally now. My guess is the feelings were probably not as real as advertised because they were based on a bunch of lies and felt without any concern for consequence, thus lacking any vulnerability or substance. Superficial. But I'm not really an expert; just another wayward..


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Steppenwolf for your candid reply.

I guess the FOG thing is what I'm having trouble wrapping my head around - because I just can't ever imagine being in such a FOG? I mean, our marriage was bad when this all happened. A lot of fighting and a lot of neglect. I understand needing an emotional "hit" and I'll totally own up to flirting with men just to feel wanted...but I can't imagine ever getting to a place where I would be telling another man I LOVED him???? I just don't get the discrepancy. I don't get the fog? How do you say you LOVE someone in an EA but then months later say the love wasn't real and can't even remember why you felt that way?

Question for WS- have any of you continued to work with your AP and successfully R?
Keep in mind, my WH only sees AP 3 or 4 times a year and the AP is also trying to work things out with her H (athough...I doubt that very much. I suspect she still has feelings for my WH since he was the one who ended things with her rather abruptly.)


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did your BS ever tell you they wanted to trust you but were afraid to?
How did that make you feel?
Is It something you can work through together?
What can the BS & WS do to help BS learn to trust again?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The difference between this:
I understand needing an emotional "hit" and I'll totally own up to flirting with men just to feel wanted...

and this:
but I can't imagine ever getting to a place where I would be telling another man I LOVED him??

IMO is about boundaries and about what makes a WS a WS. I understand you don't get the concept of fog. Many don't believe it is an actuality. I happen to though.

Another thing to think about. If your emotional "hit" comes from the attention you get from flirting, what happens when you want a bigger hit? What if that initial hit isn't cutting it anymore? If you get a positive feeling from the attention brought on by flirting, imagine what the hit would feel like if you were to get someone to tell you they loved you/ can't live without you.

[This message edited by Steppenwolf at 3:33 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This mirrors a topic on the Wayward forum. If the WS tells the AP that he/she loves him/her, is this a deal breaker with the BS? Can this realistically be forgiven? I'm not sure. I have had WS's say that they used "ILY' as currency to get what they wanted from the AP, but does that make it any easier to take? Doesn't this cheapen it for the BS.? And if you say "ILY' to the AP, then how can it mean anything when you say it to the BS?

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
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