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Newest Member: helpmegetthrough (44949)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 8
ihearthimstill
♀ New Member
Member # 38420
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

For the WS who sincerely tried R, did you ever feel like you couldn't do anything right? How long did that process take to get through R and when did you decide that you were done trying (in case you ended in D)?

Thanks for your insight.


me - 42yo SAHM
WH - 37yo, 1st affair
Together 11yrs; Married 9yrs
DDay 2/7/13, 2mo affair ended 12/12
kids: 7yo and 6yo
-----
"Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end."

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EvolvingSoul

That you for giving me a glimpse of understanding. I just want to try and understand better I think to try and cope better. For my own well begin and for a potential path to healing for myself. I know that I, alone cannot heal the M, if he is not willing to admit truths to himself, muchness, to me.

I am sort of trapped in my own fog of confusion at the moment. And my own tendencies of rationale and logic are so off line from what is happening that I just can't come to terms with what is happening around me.

But again, thank you for your clarity!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Survivor9582
♀ Member
Member # 41388
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has a lot of guilt, first, stemming from losing his business and our home, resulting in bankruptcy. This guilt is what I believe led to his distancing himself from myself and our children and then culminating in an EA. That has led to more guilt and a lack of self esteem on his part. I have forgiven him for ruining us financially, I cannot forgive him for the EA or for leaving his family (we are separated). I am willing to try and to work on our marriage, but he is unwilling to even talk about it. When I say that I can't forgive him, it is because he won't talk to me...and again, I believe it is because of his guilt and he feels he doesn't deserve my forgiveness. My question is, how do I help him realize that reconciliation is possible and his guilt is blocking it?


Me:BW-42
Him:WH-40 (EA)
He left when confronted with the EA, refuses to talk about it, but cannot give me answers to my questions because he "doesn't know" anything.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
NotsureIcan
♀ Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any WH out there??!!! A question was asked about if you think of AP after it's over or ever think of sex with them while having sex with your wife now in R? I always get twinges during sex lately... And it's getting worse!

Pls shed some light for me.
We are 14 months past d-day!!!!


Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
NotsureIcan
♀ Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, let me add I am the BS!! See my profile.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to see an answer to that question too, Notsure.

I often wonder if H thinks about AP. Not just during sex, but other times. H tells me he has no good memories of that time. So he tries to never think about any of it.

I don't know if I can believe him about this. My head tells me to, but it is just so beyond my heart being able to comprehend it.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jun 2012
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wayward Spouses:

How do I get my WH to be open to the idea that I need to vent and share my feelings? ...I had a bad trigger today and I am feeling sick to my stomach and want to write an email to him telling him everything I am thinking (i.e. sick to my stomach about the thought of him touching someone else, the fact that I cry after sex is NOT because its so emotional and amazing like he thinks...but that its because it hurts so bad to know that he had sex with someone else)

He says he is open to me sharing ONLY if I havent told him before. If I have told him how I feel....and its the same then he doesnt want to hear it?

Should I just go ahead and write the email?

When I go ahead and tell him he ALWAYS says that I am NOT getting over it, I am NOT improving and healing.

Please advise.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kg74
♀ New Member
Member # 41785
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi
I am a recently bs.
I am trying to learn from others experiences as i go through my own hellish situation.
Did any of you leave your spouse hell bent on divorce only to have the fog clear and come back remorseful and ready to reconcile? If so, can you share your story and timeline? Trying to determine if i have false hope.

Thank you.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken--
He doesn't get to make those conditions for you. He needs to let you talk about whatever you need to come to terms with the affair. Definitely write the email, not only about your feelings, but that you need him to listen to you whether he feels comfortable or not. I don't think any of us waywards like answering these questions, but it's the price we pay to try to repair our marriages.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 4:11 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken:
Tell your Wayward Husband (which I am also) that what he thinks in this instance is pathetically delusional and profoundly selfish. Sheesh, the guy is giving us Wayward's a bad name!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotsureIcan & Flatlined:

I am a Wayward Husband, and I do not think about or fantasize about my xAP when I am being intimate with my BW. Or otherwise, when we aren't being intimate.

After the fog lifted, and I began to see xAP as she truly is, and myself as I truly was, the little fantasy charade and sexy mind movies in my head just went...poof! They haven't returned, thankfully.

I hope this helps some. Perhaps other Waywards will weigh in with their experience here.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a WS and I have never had thoughts of the OP while being intimate with my BS. Although, my BS has admitted that he has flash images of the A while we are being intimate. He said that the moment it happens all the hurt and anger and sick feelings return. And it's usually days and days before he can even look at me again. It's really hard knowing I am a trigger for him when all I want to do is love him and hold him and prove myself.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2013
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 13 months out from Dday. I caught him, read texts he was sending to the other woman. I confronted him, he told me he wanted a divorce and told me to leave. I did and filed for divorced 6 weeks later.

He came over to where I am living a few weeks after he asked me to leave and had rewritten our marriage. Said I took advantage of him, I changed the day we married and that he was no longer my number one priority.

He cheated on his second wife twice, I found this out after I called his Mom to tell her what had happened, so this is a pattern for him.

He has shown no remorse, he and the other woman have been engaged for several months now, even though we have not even gone through mediation yet. She lives with him now.

I can not understand why he had the affair. I loved this man with all my heart. I don't understand how someone can deceive someone you called your soul mate. I don't understand why actions were taken that tore the family apart.

He says he will never forgive me for turning my son against him, I did nothing but tell my son what he had done. His actions are what turned my son against him.

I am struggling with how to give myself closure to this marriage. How do I make peace with this?

Thanks!


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've asked twice for a timeline & twice have been told I won't/can't do it.

WH says I ask for too much information & it would be impossible to complete. He does talk about the A if I bring it up & answers any direct questions I have.

Things I requested on the timeline were where, when, date, days, actions, time of day, things he did to hide it, location, other people present or used as a cover, when it went from work to personal, EA to PA, money spent, etc. ........ my list of things I wanted on it was quite extensive (25-35 different things)

Did you do a timeline?
Did you do it on your own or at the request of your spouse?
What types of things did you put on it?
How did you or your BS benefit from it?
How much is too much to expect?
Did it help or hurt R?
How long did A last? Did it continue after D-day?
How much time was there between the A ending & the timeline being written?
What's the downside to a timeline?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
navymom1
♀ Member
Member # 36007
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waywards please answer honestly! Did you feel resentment towards your BS that they found out about the affair? Or any resentment that you were made to choose? I feel like my WH really resents me!



Me-40
WS-42
Married 1995
DDay# 1995
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....

I forgive people, but that


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: New Jersey
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why they he'll can't you tell the whole truth when asked a direct question? Why can't you tell everything as a lie of omission is still a god damn lie (sorry I have been drinking)?

[This message edited by bobf at 3:30 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobf,

Please post respectfully if you want to ask questions in this forum.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37600 | Registered: Sep 2007
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why they he'll can't you tell the whole truth when asked a direct question? Why can't you tell everything as a lie of omission is still a god damn lie (sorry I have been drinking)?
I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

You are correct. Omission is still a lie. In our warped minds, we feel that if we withhold information, we are protecting our BSs. We feel that if they knew the "worst" of it, they would snap, and that any chance of R will be gone. What we don't realize, the worst of it is, we cheated in the first place. The details are the pieces of the puzzle required for healing. When we withhold those, it prevents complete authenticity on the WS part, and ultimately, intimacy between the WS and BS.

I left a detail out for a year and a half. QS asked me a specific question about the A. I never answered. I was in the whole self-preservation mindset. He found the detail when I did a time line a year and a half after Dday. It didn't go over very well.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 4:12 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6229 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why they he'll can't you tell the whole truth when asked a direct question? Why can't you tell everything as a lie of omission is still a god damn lie (sorry I have been drinking)?

Fear. Of the shame. Of losing the BS.
Self-preservation.
An inability to see beyond our own needs and fears.
Not being able to let go of the outcome.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
inthedark14
♀ Member
Member # 41924
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH wont tell me anything about the A, and the only thing i want to kno is how long, i know its been since august at least, but thats only bcuz thats the farthest bak i was able to read his txts, so why does WH keep it hidden, its only been 11 days since i found out, but he dsnt understand that IF we will R i NEED to know details, and its not like im asking all the selacious details.


WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life

"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca
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