Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Greg (45364)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question for BS Menz
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost that bond also, and it hasn't come back. We have sex, but it is mechanical and seldom, simply a release.


But you are trying, aubrie and that is a lot.

I wish my fWW had half of your courage.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, can you ever get to a place where you can genuinely love and respect your FWW again?

Yes.

I stopped loving my W after dday. I just cut her out of my heart. She has had to earn her way back in.

Your H's opinion is the only one that matters, but its more than that. Your H's history, make up, mental flexibility and courage are only his. Just like mine belong to me. It's those things that will allow us to see our W's as whole people again.

A WW can do the work. A BH has to do their work in order for what your talking about to happen. Can it, yep. I'm dropping grace all over the place and my W knows it.

My W asked me once if her A defined her in my eyes. I responded by yes it does right now. When I look at you I see a childish selfish stupid dirty ho. But people change, they evolve. If you change and evolve I don't think I will see you that way anymore because your behavior will tell me different. She changed. It's cool.

You have too and your H better recognize. If he does the answer is yes.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb&dumb
Again, sorry for the length.
Please don't apologize. Your post was awesome. Thank you for answering and going into more detail.

We both worked on my self esteem. I know that the mantra is you need to heal yourself, but those jump starts from my W really helped me in so many ways. My W also helped me by showing me that I was not a second choice (actions not words). By speaking my love language, by showing me things about myself that I refused to see through my pain. She had to work to bring me back to the M after I had detached to the point that I really could care less if my M ended.
I went thru this with QS, the only thing being different is he was detached and indifferent, but wasn't willing to end the M, if that makes any sense. He more or less had this, "Oh really? So you "get it" now? Well show me what you got Babydoll." kind of attitude. And I can't say I blame him in the least. After 8 1/2 years of toxic, the only thing that would speak to him was new actions. Alot of it.

There were so many times where I felt I was hitting a brick wall. I would talk, try to tell him things, and it just seemed to fall on deaf ears. One of the defining moments that something was changing in him was several months in when we went to a social event at a local park. After Dday, if we went out with a group, he would get out of the car and bail and I wouldn't see him till time to leave. If he was close by, there was zero eye contact and he would ignore me. If/when we went to a social event, he was glad to get away from me. Anyway, this particular day, I was having a conversation with a girlfriend and I looked across the the pavilion and he was watching me. My stomach actually dropped. Was he triggering? Was he angry? Panicking? But when my eyes met his, he smiled. And then he winked. I melted into a puddle on the pavement.

From that point on, he was more receptive. I think he went more from hearing what I was saying, to actually believing it.

And BTW, for those of you who don't know, love languages are legit and change so much. Once we figured it out it was a real, "Well duhhhh!" moment for us. We were no longer speaking Greek and Mandarin to one another. We were finally speaking in ways that completely made sense and more importantly, yielded results.

I've seen such a change in him the last 2 years. I don't know that he's fully "there" yet, but there are more good times than bad. His confidence and self-belief is so much stronger. It's a beautiful thing to see.

ontheslope
Thanks for sharing the details. I'm sure it's difficult.

I had 2 EAs in the first couple years of our marriage. We didn't know what they were called. He just knew I was whacked up and wasn't getting a clue. We didn't do anything about it. (aka: rugswept) It simmered and stewed till 2011. Then ta-daaaaa! Out in full force. I had 2 EAs back to back. The last two were very progressive. The final one was by far the worst. That one would have been the killer had Dday not come.

No more rugsweeping. We got down to the nitty-gritty. And here we are today.

Limbo sucks.
I have no doubt. I'm sorry.

wert

I stopped loving my W after dday. I just cut her out of my heart.
It must to be incredibly difficult to allow yourself to let her back in. Do you feel you will ever have love for her again? Have you reached that place yet?

I'm dropping grace all over the place
Dunno why, but that made me smile.

You have too and your H better recognize.
I have and he does.

Thank you, thank you everyone for chiming in. Seriously! Very good stuff here!


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel you will ever have love for her again? Have you reached that place yet?

In so much as I understand the word. I think most people have a very different take on it.

This really resonated with me.


I went thru this with QS, the only thing being different is he was detached and indifferent, but wasn't willing to end the M, if that makes any sense. He more or less had this, "Oh really? So you "get it" now? Well show me what you got Babydoll." kind of attitude.

It was a stage thing. At first panic. Then f-you. Then show me what you got and now that she has for a while its OK and getting better.

Love. I will leave that one to someone else to figure out. Respect I understand. I respect her.

It takes two to tango and all that you know. That said, I am a heal yourself first kinda guy when it comes to being a BH. My approach (after fear and rage settled down) was step back and watch her. I did not need to commit to anything until she had done some flips and somersaults. Dance for me. Not in an evil punishment way, but in a show me your are serious way.

Nice topic.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

Numb that was some insightful shit. Thanks. I have not been around much lately, but my how you have grown. Seriously, take a step back and look at the journey and give yourself a hand.

I got a great piece of advice on my wedding day from a dear friend. He said, take 5 minutes with your W and hide in a corner where you can see the room. Then...just watch. Chances are, for the rest of your life you will not have all those people you love surrounding you like that. Enjoy.

We should all do the same with our journeys at some point when were are ready. Step back and appreciate the ride.

What a long strange trip it's been.....

End t/j

take care....



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can a person truly love your spouse without respect?

Can't speak for everyone, but in my case, yes.

I went through a hurricane of emotions after dday. I loved her always. I was hurt for what she did to me. I was also hurt that she was a broken person who would do something like that. I hurt for the way she felt. I hated her for a while, yet loved her at the same time. It was hard for me to understand how that was even possible.

I think you can respect you spouse for many reasons: character, morals, integrity, accomplishments, parenting, how they treat you, and many other qualities I'm sure. I think you can earn respect in that sense. I didn't respect my W immediately after dday.

Love must be unconditional. If my W and I divorce, I will still love her. Love is what you can give, respect is what can be earned. A marriage must have love, but also respect, it can't survive without both.

Or maybe I'm just weird.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you ever get to a place where you can genuinely love and respect your FWW again?

Love... absolutely, that's never been an issue. I guess the word unconditional would apply here.

Respect... getting there, but not yet. I can't sincerely say I trust her, and for me, respect (and many other things) are built on trust.

Is there ever a place where the A and our lousy actions don't haunt you? When you can look at your FWW and be proud of who she is today, if she has done the hard work?

I can see and acknowledge the work she's done, but I think forgiveness needs to come, before I can find pride. As I'm still working on forgiving myself, I've not found my way to forgiveness for her yet. Work-in-progress, I guess.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you ever get to a place where you can genuinely love and respect your FWW again?

Like many here have said, I don’t think I ever stopped loving her, so to speak. What I have felt is more of a loss of “special-ness”. My wife and I weren’t virgins coming into the marriage, but once you decide to be exclusive with someone, there is (for me, anyways) a feeling of specialness. I’m going to give my sexy bits to you and only you, and you’re going to do the same. It’s like an inside joke that only the two of you know…for lack of a better simile here.

That feeling is gone, because she chose to have sex with someone else. The guys before me have never really bothered me, because at some point she made a clear choice to leave them behind. But at some point during our marriage, she left my son and I at home so that she could go hook up with OM. That just is what it is. That was clear choice she made.

Is there ever a place where the A and our lousy actions don't haunt you? When you can look at your FWW and be proud of who she is today, if she has done the hard work?

I haven’t reached a point where it doesn’t haunt me at some point during the day, but I can say that at nearly a year out, I have sustained periods of a few hours where I don’t think about it. I’ve been at the point for a few weeks now where the affair finally feels like something that happened, not something that is happening. I still respect the hell out of my wife in a ton of areas: she’s a really thoughtful person, she is a good friend, she’s a successful business owner, a talented clothing designer and so on and so forth. Where the lack of respect comes into play is during times where I see an old married couple who seem super happy, or go to a wedding, or a funeral, and hear someone speak about their spouse in such glowing terms and how they’ve always stuck with them through thick and thin, etc. That kind of stuff cuts me to the core. I think with enough hard work from her that I’ll reach that point, though. I tend to be an optimist when it comes to the capacity of people to change themselves through hard work.
Can a person truly love your spouse without respect? And/or vice versa? Or is that kind categorized in the "I love you but don't like you" or ILYBNILWY columns?

Like I said above, the respect thing for me is not a package deal. There a ton of things about my wife to respect. On the front of respecting her as a faithful wife...well...that’s creeping back in slowly but surely. As time goes on, and she does IC, and I see her thinking about issues in-depth and from angles she never has before and changes from the person she was before, it’s coming back. If, like some of my BM brothers on here, my wife had stayed exactly the same, I don’t think the respect would come back. She’s slowly, painfully, morphing into a more authentic person before my eyes….and that’s worth my respect and admiration, surely.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And BTW, for those of you who don't know, love languages are legit and change so much. Once we figured it out it was a real, "Well duhhhh!" moment for us. We were no longer speaking Greek and Mandarin to one another. We were finally speaking in ways that completely made sense and more importantly, yielded results.
I agree here. I think where BSes get defensive on this front sometimes is when the '5LL' idea gets whipped out quickly after DDAY with the thought, "Look! This is why it happened! We were speaking the wrong languages!"

But I totally agree that it's a real thing, provided the reader is intuitive enough to ferret out their own needs. I read the book and we talked it over in MC, and my wife's first thought was, "Well, I think they're all my love language...."



We decided to table that concept for the time being.

ETA: Also, for a good, long time after DDAY, I didn't really care what her 'language' was, because I had zero interest in doing anything nice for her. That cam back eventually, though, too...

[This message edited by FacePunched at 11:15 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Y'all just keep throwing awesome things in here. Thanks. It's cool to check back in and see something new.

FacePunched,
In regards to the love language thing...I get what you're saying. And I absolutely agree. Knowing the LL doesn't "fix" everything. BUT! It has helped me to "speak" and support QS in ways that he is receptive to.

I'm a sappy, sentimental chick. I can spend hours on a mini scrapbook with romantic quotes and love notes, and when I present it to QS, it falls completely flat. I know from experience. I made one. He's looked at that book exactly twice in the 10 years we've been married. Why? His LL are physical touch and acts of service. A romp in the sheets and me washing his truck speak more to him than flowery words.

In post Dday devastation, armed with LL knowledge, I know how to do things that are more meaningful for him. I don't waste time for either of us by writing epic love notes. I mean, I could, but it wouldn't mean anything to him. Instead, I can clean his truck out, organize his desk, wash his work jeans, and rev his engine after the kids go to bed. Those things make him feel loved and he is receptive.

Also, for a good, long time after DDAY, I didn't really care what her 'language' was, because I had zero interest in doing anything nice for her.
Understood. He was totally the same way too.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I have felt is more of a loss of “special-ness”. My wife and I weren’t virgins coming into the marriage, but once you decide to be exclusive with someone, there is (for me, anyways) a feeling of specialness. I’m going to give my sexy bits to you and only you, and you’re going to do the same. It’s like an inside joke that only the two of you know…for lack of a better simile here.
That feeling is gone, because she chose to have sex with someone else. The guys before me have never really bothered me, because at some point she made a clear choice to leave them behind. But at some point during our marriage, she left my son and I at home so that she could go hook up with OM. That just is what it is. That was clear choice she made.

Yep. FacePunched summed up my feelings perfectly. Add to that the diminished trust and respect, and it creates a hell of a challenge. Like we say around here, R isn't for sissies.

ETA: I still love her, though. And we're back in R mode.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 9:11 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Can I ever get back to a place where I love and respect my ww"

I've always loved my ww. My respect for her is gone out the window at this point. I'm only 7 months out but the respect has not returned and I'm not sure if it ever will. I was madly in love with my wife before this happened, she was my school sweetheart. I hope that one day it will return.


"Is there ever a place where her affair and lousy actions don't haunt me"

There is not a day that goes by that this doesn't affect me in a negative way. Some days are worse than others and I'm working on it.

"When can I look at my WW and be proud of her after she's put in the hard work"

Again I'm not sure that I can ever be proud of her because of the dark place she has put me in. I loved and cared for her very much and what she has done is inexcusable and I'm not sure I have it in me.

We have small children together and there are two things I know to be as facts.

1: I don't want another man part time raising my children

2: I don't want my children having to live with us separated.

I'm not too sure what the future holds for us as a "loving couple" it's too soon to say. In the end this may be a deal breaker for me but I will fight the good fight and be the best father I can be to my children as I have always done.


I'm sure that you may detect a bit of bitterness in my post. It's all very fresh to me still. We've been going to counseling And my ww has been doing the necessary work to repair what she has done. I'm struggling with the question of divorcing her and staying for my kids. If I divorce her now I'll never have to pay her spousal support. If I wait and divorce her later I will be obligated by law. She does not work and I'm the bread winner in the family. If if do this I will stay in the house and raise my kids with her. She is a good mother to them but I seriously question her decision making skills since she put them in serious jeopardy by making the conscious decision to do what she did. She didn't think twice about how her decisions would affect their lives. I don't know if I want this person "watching my back" from here on out. The last time I allowed her to do this she stabbed me deeply.


I wish the best for all of those in recovery, I hope to find myself there one day.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you ever get to a place where you can genuinely love and respect your FWW again

I never stopped loving my FWW. Indulge me here. My love for her reached into every part of my being. It is in every fabric and every thread of who I am. When I suspected something it was that love that blinded me. When d-day happened that love was ripped apart, shredded, emptied on the floor, stomped upon (along with my heart at the center of that love) but not destroyed. The heart still beat and the love still existed. The fabric of my being was a horribly disfigured but it was still alive. My FWW was responsible for that.

I/we but mostly I had to rebuild myself. The love is different. Perhaps it was immature prior to D-day. But none the less it is now different.

Respect. That is the toughest. I want to respect her fully but alas 4+ years out that will never reach the level it was before. That respect however was blind and contributed to my own blindness. That wont happen again.

The real question I think is can you love and respect yourself. So much of this life is learning to live with yourself.

I can respect a person that trips and falls, then picks themselves up dusts themselves off faces the thing that tripped them up beats it down. That is a whole person.

Aubrie, as an aside, kudos to you for lurking in the Menz thread. It isn't a place for the faint of heart. It is the only place in the world we have. Society looks upon us men like we can't keep our wives happy (otherwise they wouldn't have strayed)and thus some sort of emasculated loser. However, the opposite is really true. The guys on the Menz thread are some of the finest people on the planet .
It is kinda sad that it is one of the most active forums on this site. It's the best forum that none of us want to be part of.

[This message edited by dadof4 at 5:19 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Me 52(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-24,22,18,15
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal1995
And we're back in R mode.
Really? Wow. I'm sure that's incredibly nerve wracking. Fingers and toes crossed for you guys.

Uhtred

I'm sure that you may detect a bit of bitterness in my post. It's all very fresh to me still.
Completely understandable. At seven months out, everyone is struggling. We had moments and days of good, but realistically, it wasn't till well into year two when things started really clicking and locking in.

She didn't think twice about how her decisions would affect their lives.

I didn't deliberately neglect or mistreat my children during the A. I fed, bathed, and clothed them. But I was not putting the one on one time in with them that I should have. They were not a priority to me. And after Dday, I really messed things up with my DD as I'm a homeschooling mom. We are still a year behind and she still struggles. Why? Because after Dday, life was chaos, I had dropped an atomic bomb on our lives, it took a year just to find footing. All because I had an A. The fallout from it just kept rippling out.

dadof4

The real question I think is can you love and respect yourself.
I'm learning to. I think my problem is, I have this goal or ideal in my mind of what I should/need to be and it's difficult to love and respect when I haven't reached the stage of "completion" yet. Which I know realistically never happens because being healthy and whole isn't a destination. It's a continuing work. It never stops.

I had made progress but I have been recently dealing with a huge issue that's rocked me to my foundation yet again. There's been a bit of regression in my healing. So I'm working on rebuilding again.

So my answer is kinda sorta yes. Getting there.

Society looks upon us men like we can't keep our wives happy (otherwise they wouldn't have strayed)and thus some sort of emasculated loser.
I've noticed that. Sadly, my own mother said something along those lines when I told of her of A. "I understand. QS is so difficult to live with sometimes..." W.T.F.? So that makes it ok??? Funny thing is, my own Dad is guilty of several EAs, crap boundaries, and there is suspicion he's had a PA. Wonder how she'd feel if I flipped that around. "Well Mother, what are you not giving Dad that he has to look outside the marrige? Hmmm?" I'm guessing that it wouldn't fly.

The guys on the Menz thread are some of the finest people on the planet .
Absolutely correct.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Society looks upon us men like we can't keep our wives happy (otherwise they wouldn't have strayed)and thus some sort of emasculated loser.

Truer words have not been spoken. I can substitute "Society" with "all friends and family who know about her A".


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched quoted Whincing_At_Light (AKA WAL)in the Menz thread. It goes to the heart of how our friends view us and how to a large extent society. Thus we have the Menz thread so we don't have to work through this in silence.

Aubrie, be kind to yourself. I wonder if there is a double edge to a WW who is a FWW. WW's have a low sense of self worth when the A starts (to a point of depression), after discovery, the self worth sinks deeper into the abyss as their BH spirals into insanity. I like to think a real woman (such as yourself and my FWW) would recognize that you have faced one of the most horrific demons you will ever face and squashed it like a bug. What emerges is a most awesome and beautiful FWW who has the self worth that screams, " fuck the world, I'm awesome and you lose if you don't get that" . A FWW can fix anything (even healthcare.gov) with that new found self worth because they just went through the deepest darkest depths of hell.


Me 52(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-24,22,18,15
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, can you ever get to a place where you can genuinely love and respect your FWW again?

Yes. It took a lot longer in my case since my FWW had a work affair and continued to work with the OM for years afterward. That was difficult to say the least.

Is there ever a place where the A and our lousy actions don't haunt you?

Sure - when I refused to allow it any more. The memory never goes away of course, and serves as a reminder of what can happen in life, but I got to a point where I was a lot stronger than the memories. Part of getting to that point was an agreement that I made with myself that there would be no marriage should there be any repeats.

When can you look at your FWW and be proud of who she is today, if she has done the hard work?

It took awhile, because she was so affected by some of the events that contributed to the A (including a miserable childhood and psychological issues) that she needed a lot of room to work through that. I gave her that room.

Or are our affairs and brokenness just too much to see through?

The affair stopped before D-day. The brokenness took many, many years to address. It was certainly too much to see through for awhile but not now (of course it's 11 years later).

Reading your threads, I see alot of negative things piled up from our own messed-up stuff, to how badly we've hurt and scarred you, and I don't know that there are enough positives to ever reconcile the scale. At least not completely?

I simply refused to be victimized by it in the long run. Yes, we are 'victims' of what people did, but we don't have to regard ourselves as 'victimized.' This is all part of having the maturity to deal with the internal dialogue of the most difficult person you will ever deal with in your life - YOURSELF.

It has been incredibly rewarding to see your spouse develop, to a high degree, the very necessary traits of humility and gratitude, especially when you had once given up on seeing those qualities.

It's been a long and challenging road ... we are truly reconciled.

TR


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21306 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if there is a double edge to a WW who is a FWW. WW's have a low sense of self worth when the A starts (to a point of depression), after discovery, the self worth sinks deeper into the abyss as their BH spirals into insanity.
I think it's a WS thing. Not prejudiced to male/female. It would have been soooo much easier to just run away. Noble? Not by any stretch of the imagination. But definitely easier. Before/during my As, I felt like such worthless trash. After Dday? Pshh, even more.

It's sad looking back, seeing a broken, struggling person, who only made it 100X worse by pulling the trigger on fidelity. It's an incredibly difficult fight back to sanity.

Had a WS PMing me yesterday that's stuck in that place. That zone where nothing we do/think/say is right. There is nothing "good" about us. Nothing is right. Nothing is as it should be. There are no positives. It's a very dark place.

It feels so pathetic in the beginning to have to make a list and cross crap off, just to see "progress", and feel a sense of accomplishment. No matter how small it is.

Brush teeth. Check.
Get dressed. Check.
Feed kids. Check.
Pay light bill. Check.
Read 2 chapters in self help book. Check.
Don't kill self. Check.
NC with AP. Check.

But after a while, you find yourself checking off bigger items on the list.

All the other stuff ^^^, plus:
Not thinking of AP at all. Check.
Successful date night with spouse. Check.
Difficult conversation about *insert issue*. Check.
Slaying the lack-of-intimacy dragon. Check.
Tell FOO to eff off. Check.
Saying "no", even when under pressure. Check.
Not being worried about saying "no". Check.
Flipping the bird to people pleasing. Check.

It's a time thing. *shrug*

What emerges is a most awesome and beautiful FWW who has the self worth that screams, " fuck the world, I'm awesome and you lose if you don't get that"
One day.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's sad looking back, seeing a broken, struggling person, who only made it 100X worse by pulling the trigger on fidelity. It's an incredibly difficult fight back to sanity.

Amen to that...

I find this an interesting read; thanks to all the Menz that have ventured here


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been nine months and I'm still here because I believe I can get to a place where I'll love and respect WW again.

I doubt that I'll ever forget and that it'll ever fully stop hurting. I believe it'll eventually be a very small pain that flares up from time to time. But I'm only at nine months, so what do I know? :)


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 71
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.