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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Truth
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I married a man who cheats. Itís as easy for him as brushing his teeth. To me, thatís psychopathic behavior. Because if you really can, tell another person you love them, and be here every night without fail, and hold them and kiss them and allow your two families to link, and still fuck someone else and fall deep in luurve, youíve got a screw loose. Rational people donít do this.

Rational people donít get married if they want to fuck multiple people, or have multiple affairs. Rational people say, ďMaybe Iíll just stay single.Ē My husband took an opportunity because the whore was willing to pay for the fucking hotel room in the middle of the day, just to feel the thrill of being bad and dangerous. It was worth it to them both, to do this when both had wonderful families at home that loved them faithfully and completely. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

Iíve seen affairs occur when the marriages were in trouble and were falling apart. It's still painful for all parties involved, but at least I can look at those scenarios and I can see how the path leads to the point of an affair. But this; this was just opportunity. And itís a sick mind that can do something so devious and backward, just because they thought they could get away with it.

Nobody forced my husband to put a ring on my finger. I didnít ask myself to marry me. I didnít invest 11 years of my life with this man by holding a gun to his head that made him stay with me. After I had outted his affair, thatís how he made me feel though. Instead of just owning up to his fuckup, he attacked me. He was enraged that instead of crying and cowering and begging him to come home, I told on him instead. And he was humiliated because I saw the kind of person he was cheating on me with. To save face, he decided this was the mountain he was going to stand on. Even though he admitted it was opportunity only initially, by the time I outted them, he said it was more than that.

But I know better. Because a person like this doesnít understand what love is. Heís angry that I dismantled his happy home. Heís angry that I didnít settle. He expected me to concede my own feelings about what he did to just let him come home so this bullshit could play out another 2 months, 6 months or whatever. And when I didnít do that, Iím the asshole. Then heís just done with me.

What can you do with a person that blows up your world, and still feels sorrier for himself than anybody else affected by his actions? How do you deal with a person that acts like youíre annoying them when you get upset and are literally melting into the floor before them? What do you do when the person you love the most in the world, overnight starts treating you with indifference and subtle cruelty?

You let them go.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen and I felt the same way. STBXH will be an XH because of the same mountain he decided to stand on. Weatherman said an earthquake was coming!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't remember reading anything that sums it up better for my situation as well. Her decision. I gave her a reasonable offer to reconsider and she continued to walk out the door repeatedly. When I realized I was done it was so freeing. I have worked my ass off to distance myself from her financially and spiritually. The financial part was easy. The emotional part is getting there.

Stay strong Lola7. We got your back.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lola))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25063 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true Lola. My STBXH fucked my BFF because she was available, willing, and they could get away with it. They exchanged hundreds of texts daily, but 'it meant nothing.' Well that 'nothing' cost him his wife, kids, house, and possibly his job and freedom. FTG!!!


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1658 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lola)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Word!

Instead of just owning up to his fuckup, he attacked me.

^^^THIS. To me it wasn't the A that killed my love for him, it was his fuckery that followed.


Me: Awesome - 35

"Iíve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". ĖMaya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". Ė


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Word!
Instead of just owning up to his fuckup, he attacked me.
^^^THIS. To me it wasn't the A that killed my love for him, it was his fuckery that followed.

I second that emotion. I am doing the slow clap after reading your post Lola.

It sound like you are incredibly strong and know yourself (and him) very well indeed.

((((((lola7))))))))


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What can you do with a person that blows up your world, and still feels sorrier for himself than anybody else affected by his actions? How do you deal with a person that acts like youíre annoying them when you get upset and are literally melting into the floor before them? What do you do when the person you love the most in the world, overnight starts treating you with indifference and subtle cruelty?

You let them go.

Standing ovation but especially for this.

Yes. I've said before that he forced my hand before I had the strength or courage to free myself.

^^^THIS. To me it wasn't the A that killed my love for him, it was his fuckery that followed.

At one point I could accept this as a manifestation of his particular kind of mental illness. Not stay married to him or have him in my life but I did for a time rationalise that there was some good in him. His behaviour post-DD cured me of that delusion, pronto.

All I see when I thoughts of him intrude my mind is a stain. A dirty, unmentionable, distasteful, festering stain. That's all that is left of the man I thought I once loved.

You can't love a stain, people. Trust me on this.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
SusanR
♀ Member
Member # 29368
Happy  Posted: 5:06 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lola))))

Thank you!

I only wish I had been able to do this.

Even before I found out about the affair, he had started treating my daughter and me indifferently. We made jokes about how self-centered he was. I don't know why I put up with it so long.

I didn't leave him until DDay 3, lots of useless MC, and years of struggle and self-doubt.

He cries big crocodile tears now, is going to counseling for SA but, the fact remains that there is a piece missing from his psyche that would allow him to do this to begin with and, something wrong with him if he thinks I should ever take him back.

Moreover, something wrong with me for having one ounce of sympathy for him!

You helped make this clear to me.


Posts: 1931 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo to every single word! Very well written! You sound like you knew me and wrote about my situation.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3317 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola, your analysis of your situation is so eloquently stated here. Honestly, it's one of the best I've read on this site since I've been here. Kudos to you for being so introspective during such a difficult and confusing time. You have a clarity and a strength that will no doubt serve you well as you put this in the past and forge ahead with your own life. It may seem dismal now, but you will survive this and you will move on to be a happier and healthier person - you certainly have the right attitude to help move you in that direction.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^THIS. To me it wasn't the A that killed my love for him, it was his fuckery that followed.

When it first happened, I would have loved to have had a chance to reconcile, but he made it impossible. He went from talking about coming home to are you going to file or should I. All because I told on Daddy. Cold, mean, indifferent. He's fucking crazy.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes your post was excellent and words are so true and accurate for all here.my stbxww did the same. I am sorry. things will get better , you sound so strong, that is awesome. stay like that


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 631 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
jackfish
♂ Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lola, awesome post, especially the last 4 words!

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, he's emailing me telling me he'll go ahead and file for divorce now. We initially said we'd wait until the spring because of our finances. At first, my heart just started racing. He's pushing everything through to be over and done with and less than a month ago, I had no idea I'd be facing this.

I wanted to stay in that house, but the more I think about it, let it go. All of it can go. I'm not fighting this shit. It's just not worth it. The only thing I can do is Be Still and let things roll out the way they should.

He talks to me like he never cared a thing for me. Like we were nothing at all. He truly is a psychopath.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmentalising is normal. In his mind this is all YOUR fault.

His affairs showed you he doesn't give two shits about anything but instant, empty gratification.

My head was spinning for ages - I just couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. There had always been elements of this new guy in the emotional abuse I tolerated but the shift was so fast and so brutal I was left reeling. Especially after 3m of False R, all empty words. It was astonishing.

I care less for him now than he ever cared for me. But it took time. I no longer miss the mask I fell in love with.

Be gentle with yourself. I know it feels like everything has blown up but trust me, the pieces all start falling into place and you finally see the puzzle for what it is. A mask. Once you've seen under it you are the enemy. He can't stand the thought of his false self image being threatened by what you are just starting to see.

He is showing you who he is - believe him.

[This message edited by SBB at 10:24 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ SBB: You are completely right. The real person is the one I'm seeing right now.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
bestbecameworst
♀ Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Lola7. THis helped me a lot.


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought mine was a nice guy.

Tonight, less than a week after the divorce, I was told angrily by my ex, "You want everything your way and fuck everyone else."

Wow, is he angry.

Translation: you divorced me and I'm shocked because I didn't think you would go through with it and now I'm realizing that I really don't like this new life on my own. I never imagined I would get caught. The plan was to have you, our family and my girlfriend. Now you have gone and ruined it.

Oh, and to be correct, he was the one who actually fucked everyone else.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 61
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