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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How much change is possible - waywards welcome.
rbf1234
♀ Member
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love to hear from anyone who had or was a wayward husband who has perspective on this question:

How can a wayward who is already an emotional mess find the courage and strength to do the difficult work of reconciliation on top of fixing the problems that caused the wayward behavior in the first place?

My WH is dealing with both a serious history of trauma (Dicken's novel childhood + other adult adverse events + a likely anxiety disorder) as well as the fear and shame and anxiety inherent in facing what he has done (and is doing to me).

13 months out, yesterday I found out he was still texting with someone he promised to go NC with - twice. This was not his 1 year long AP, and I think it was just texting, but he still lied and didn't keep him promises. It is just clear that he is still a complete emotional disaster. And he is having a renewed breakdown.

He is begging me to stay, begging me to help him. Promising to seek psychiatric help for what is probably an anxiety disorder. (He is already in IC but it is talk therapy only). Vowing to stop drinking. Writing a real NC letter. Look for a 12 step program (etc. etc.)

He is begging me for help and support, and describes going in and out of despair this year as the damage he has done to me sinks in, ... making him feel quite hopeless about fixing all this.

If anyone has had a severely damaged WH who managed to heal himself enough to become capable of being a good partner and survive reconcilation, I would love to hear about it.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Jun 2013
qwerty2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi rbf ... my BS can relate with you.

I cannot answer 'how much' change ... but i can say 'change' is possible.

I am less than a year into my recovery.
In my case, i have found the following ....
- Change is very painful. Digging up the past and leading up to the present is painful. Acceptance of how I came to be - very painful. Realizing that wires in your head were crossed and made a mess of your one and only life (and wife) - devastating.
- Change is very lonely. Without the appropriate support - it is downright challenging.
- We are by nature impatient with change. As with your pain, i think change takes time.
- There are a lot of 'false R's' in change - you think you are doing better - you forget to question a thought - and you are back to the old thinking. Without support - hard to call it by oneself.
- Personal change plus relationship change - often conflict - but provided a lot of insight, especially into what my BS is going through.

It is a struggle - i don't think 'change' is a destination - it is an emotional journey. I think of it as trying to emotionally correct 40 years of my life .... it's going to be a long road ...

I know the above sounds a bit of a downer ... here are some of my causes to celebrate ...
1. Obtained closure to past - closer relationship with family.
2. Transformed my lack of emotional maturity to that of a 6 year old - i now relate much better with my kids. We are bonding much better.
3. Not sure my BS sees it yet - but i have developed patience, more tolerance - and not afraid to ask her how she is doing or talk about it. (Don't get me wrong, i still am in fear of the fallout .... but i step forward)
4. Healthier self esteem - dealing with past and present .... just the courage of it all.
5. Healthier boundaries - i think this has been huge. Simply to be able to express my likes/dislikes without taking it personally.
6. I am getting stronger at sharing my feelings .... i am getting better at being vulnerable.

If your WS decides to embark on his emotional journey - i wish him and you well. Good Luck.

PS. Regarding drinking .... after i stopped alcohol (2/18) - about a month or so later, i started feeling more pain - felt depressive - my BS kept telling my that i lacked affect. After dealing with that - feelings were raw, thoughts were clearer. I think alcohol abuse numbs you ... Stopping would be a great first step - imho. (25lb loss helps too )


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have one suggestion.

Don't "help" him. He really, truly has to do this himself. And he really needs to understand that.

You can support him, by finding a way to pay for therapy perhaps. Or agreeing to give him 6 months, but you need to see active recovery.

This is probably the hardest thing for most BS's to grasp. Don't "help" him to much. Don't research counselors. Don't find him a program. He really needs to do all the leg work himself. It is part of his recovery.

You can say, "I will continue to stand by you as long as I see active healing on your part and consistent forward progress." But the details are up to him. And my advice would be to put a time limit on it, otherwise you will be left twisting in the wind.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
rbf1234
♀ Member
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reply. I have a follow up question, though.

Often on SI, BSs are given the message that they should be very clear about what they need and want from the WS. We are often encouraged to list what changes we want to see to stay in the relationship. How do I balance not helping too much with being clear about what I want to see

For example, I tempted to write up a very specific list for him of what I want him to do. Bad idea?


Posts: 79 | Registered: Jun 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You write your list about the changes you want to see, not give him a recipe for how to do it.

Now, if "go to weekly IC" is a requirement, then you do that. You don't call and find him an IC.

Clear as mud?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change is absolutely possible - with commitment and hard work.
I tempted to write up a very specific list for him of what I want him to do. Bad idea?
No - just be sure you don't insert yourself into the process. He needs to take ownership of his healing and growth. You cannot, CANNOT, do anything for him. He has to want this. He has to understand that the weight of his healing is on his shoulders, not yours. If you can separate yourself from the process and just communicate to him what you need, you will find your sanity in far better shape than if you constantly tried to control his experience and his journey.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5908 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the amount of change is soley up to the person changing.

Mr Unfound was Fucked up. No other way to say it. I wanted to help him (where in the hell was ReBreather 8 years ago??? ), but through MC, IC and SI, learned that I was not an equation in his healing. I could support him, but couldn't do it for him. Liken to a cheerleader can't score the touchdown thing.

Another thing is that his motivation had to be about HIM at the core. Our M would benefit from it in the long run, but he had to do it for himself. A hard pill for me to swallow as I, in my me me me place at the time , thought he would do this to save his M... come to find out, if he didn't do it (in the beginning anyway) for HIMSELF, he could never really be truly healed, and therefore, never truly heal the M.. It's the old adage that it takes two people to heal a M. He had to be healthy in order to be in a healthy M.

*********

yesterday I found out he was still texting with someone he promised to go NC with - twice.

and then


He is begging me to stay, begging me to help him. Promising to seek psychiatric help for what is probably an anxiety disorder. (He is already in IC but it is talk therapy only). Vowing to stop drinking. Writing a real NC letter. Look for a 12 step program (etc. etc.)

is this placating or realization? who knows?

His actions...consistent actions will tell.



ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14845 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<------ Helped.

Failed.

Stopped helping.

Success (mostly).

#nomorecodependant

We are all works in progress.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 8

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