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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't know what to do.
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.

As someone who was in a similar position, I sadly understand much of what you are experiencing. I can picture it, all and it breaks my heart. I was in bed for 3 solid days after I read texts between my friend and FWH. I let every plant in my house die, I let absolutely everything go, because I could not accept the reality of it.

Right now, I suppose you can't see past the next sunset or imagine waking up from another hard won sleep, only to remember again. I think that was the worst, waking up and remembering it. It was like a horrible horrible version of Groundhog Day. But I promise you that this will pass. For the next few days, just put one foot in front of the other, take care of what you can. The important things are YOU, your education and your children.


What I can tell you is this..

I want to be PISSED. I want to have the energy to make a plan. I want to feel like my life isn't over.

All of these things WILL happen. As the shock wears off, there will be a wave of energy fueled by anger that kicks in. And this will help you shed the shame you feel (you will understand that it is not your burden to carry) and it will eliminate the sense of hopelessness.

You don't have to tell your kids right now, if you aren't ready. I think it would be best coming from you, but if you are not able to do it right now, don't force yourself. Keep reading here, take some time to gather the information that will help you navigate these troubled waters. You will slowly build up the strength you need to get done, what ever you decide needs doing.

I will be ok. I will eventually be ok or better.
Keep saying this over and over again.

Hugs to you
((jules))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did WH go to live with her? Why lie to the the boys? How are they? They must have a lot of questions.

If you can't tell them who OW is, just say Daddy broke his wedding vows. Otherwise, he will tell them that nothing happened until the marriage was already over. If you stay silent, he will most likely tell everyone that anyway.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. How could it be your fault that he is a lying, cheating coward? At least tell the boys that you did not want their father to move out. It was his choice.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well ironically I think the cat will be out of the bag soon. WS was standing on the stairs waiting for my 13 yo to get his phone charger Bc WS and his brothers are planning on taking the kids to the movies. My son came down the hallway and said. Mom.did I tell you (OW son) told me his parents are getting a divorce? Then my DS son said 'I didn't want to be mean but I told him I kind of expected it '(OW and OBS had a rough marriage with lots of fights...in front of the kids. My son included when he was there) . He then said 'I told him you guys were too and he couldn't believe it.' Then he went into the bathroom. I went to the bottom of the stairs and stared into WS eyes for a good 30 seconds. I told him what my son said and walked away. A few minutes later i went downstairs to the laundry room. He followed and wanted to know when OWS said something to our son and what did I say and etc. I almost laughed. For the first time. Bc he looked scared. My FIL had come over to me prior while the family was eating dinner next door bc I wouldn't go. Brought me food that I wont eat. Told me how disappointed he was with his son and told me the things WS had been saying about our marriage. I was strong and called his bluff. Told his father he was rewriting history to focus on the bad because if its easier to be angry at me or tell himself he was so unhappy. Then maybe the guilt is bearable. I am proud of myself. Then again I had taken a xanax about an hour prior to his arrival. I hats medicine but I haven't had a panic attack or sobbing attack

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how angry you can be with yourself for taking meds to deal with a problem someone else caused.

PLEASE don't. This is temporary till you feel strong enough to do it on your own and the reality is that you do have a lot of chemical imbalances due to the trauma.

refuz2bavictimis so right. There will be a moment some months from now...where you will wake up and be angry and indignant about the card your were dealt with. You will no longer really want the man that is in front of you. You will mourn the H you lost, but it will be different.

Instead, you will say...WTF...this man that you are now so disgusted with is so not worth my effort. You will no longer wonder why you were not good enough. You will realize she is not better (she is just easier-and easy is not better). It has nothing to do with you or her, but what is missing in him and what is missing in her. And no one is good enough for that. It is amazing how these broken people find each other. It is amazing how we (the strong and better ones) marry these people.

JUST hang in there and vent to us your pain.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Lostandpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to encourage you to be age appropriate with the kids (of course)..but to be honest with them.
For a kid, not knowing the truth is so much more frightening..and the imagination goes wild.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
naivegirl
♀ Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found the best thing with kids is to be honest. I didn't tell them specifics. I just told them their dad had lied to me about things and broken promises he made to me. They figured the rest out eventually. It was important for me to let them know I wouldn't just walk out on marriage because we weren't getting along. I meant my vows and wanted them to know that. I told them I never wanted this but assured them that although I was sad, we would all end up being just fine. I also think it is importnat to let them know that this is not their fault in any way.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2007
Lostandpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's pretty much what I told my kids as well.
I still haven't figured out what exactly to tell my toddler other than "we won't be seeing Daddy for awhile" :P


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules,

How are you doing?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for checking on me.I'm still in a haze trying to. make sense of this all and still not able to eat. I did get into a counselor my doc recommended yesterday. I was able to schedule an appointment on this coming Monday. Just trying to finish this next week of school and finals. Terror still grips me for the future and I am avoiding leaving the house most days. I just want to cocoon myself in my blankets and sleep this all away. BUT I am not sobbing hysterically every 5 minutes anymore. I have been quiet on here but i am reading. This site several times a day. :)

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules,

You are doing all the right things. And it is a VERY good sign that the intervals between bouts of hysterical sobbing are getting a bit longer. But if those intervals shrink back, that's perfectly normal as well. I went through it. You are grieving--deep grief--and grieving is not linear. Many times I would be driving, feeling relatively "normal" (meaning not in pure anguish) and out of nowhere I would burst into primal wailing. Scary. But again, normal.

It's also OK that you feel like just curling up and escaping. Go ahead and do it--for awhile. It's a coping mechanism; let it do its thing. Then get up and go. In my early days (and still sometimes even now) I had to chant aloud to myself, "Go, go, go...C'mon..."

Regarding the counselor: that's great. But be sure you feel VERY comfortable with him/her. You want to be with this person for a long time and it is crucial that it is a good fit for you. Do not hesitate to "shop around."

All the best.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 50
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