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User Topic: So it happened. And it hurt. Now what?
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it's limbo?
That's where I am right now.
The A happened.
And it hurts. I have asked my questions. He is so wonderful and remorseful and working so very hard. I love him and do not even think about leaving.

But here we are. Just being and talking and working and I feel flat.
He had an affair. It hurt. It's over.
It still hurts. But what are you gonna do?
Talking ... About what? We already talked about it.
I don't want to know anymore about it.


Not sure why I'm posting. Just feeling meh.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in. It's a phase we all go through. Sometimes it goes away. If it doesn't, it's telling you something.

I know when I went through it, my fwh was as scared as he has ever been. Not such a bad thing, personally.

But, during that time, he could stay or go, didn't much matter to me, I knew I would be fine with or without him. It's a big step for you.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to know anymore about it.

...if you don't talk about it and clear up your relationship, then you may be in my position 22 years from now.

We rugswept in 1987 and the truth came out in 2009.

Same ages at the time as you and your H.

You are in limbo....it's called the plane of lethal flatness.

I have asked my questions.

...and you still have many more to ask...

He is so wonderful and remorseful and working so very hard.

..and so he should be if he is committing himself to R.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2854 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel flat, too. I was in shock for two weeks... Then this past week I was a mess, enraged, then ok, then enraged, then sad, then enraged, then sad, then ok again... Now... I am just... Here. Last night I had my first really good cry about it, we talked til nearly midnight, had good makeup sex (ok I like HB, a lot... I hope we can keep it up linger this time...) then I woke up today... Somewhat ambivalent...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses. Once again, just trying to see I this is normal.
I was great the day before.
Good yesterday.
And today I am slightly more anxious- but not really caring.
I do have questions.
I just don't really care to hear the answers right now.
What difference does it make?
Everything else- kids, work, rest... These are fine.
But with this... I'm just so blah.
The girl in the padded room inside my head is screaming "TALK TO HIM" and the cynical woman behind the desk in my head says " why? It doesn't matter."

If I wasn't so numb, I'd probably be really scared right now.
What happened? I was fine two days ago.
I was fine yesterday!!

Poop.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin - Similiar situation at 5 months out. I am sure I will have more questions, but I feel I have asked everything at least a dozen times in a dozen different ways. I go between a disbelief of "Wow, this really happened." to an non-emotional "Yep, here we are."

I want to reach out, I want to smile, I want to laugh, but I don't know what is holding me back.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh- ((((ILINIA))))

I know we're numb- except for the hurt. That's always there.

Hugs.

Steadfast- yes that ridiculous roller coaster. Part of the reason I sometimes hold on to my thoughts. I never know what's real and what's crazy girl.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 5:55 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took this from the healing library for you

The Healing Library
The Plain of Lethal Flatness - by BlindJustice

It's a fitting title. You're flat, emotionally, in the middle of... nothing.
It can be lethal, to your relationship. And to yourself, if you stay there for a long time.

This IS a common state in recovery. Some people hit that plain a few times in the process. It's a time for you to emotionally catch your breath. As someone said, your brain has been working overtime. Your emotions have been on the wildest ride of your life.

You've built walls to protect yourself. Now you're getting to the point where maybe, just maybe, those walls can start coming down. This is an extensive battle in itself. Emotionally, you're going to need a lot of energy to do this.

This plain you're in now does not have to last a long time, and it doesn't have to end your marriage. The decision is in your hands.

When I was in that period (the first of a few times), I tried to just relax, not try to force anything, and let things happen as they did. It was a time for reflection, to see how much progress we had made to that point, and gearing up for what was ahead.

It CAN be lethal, but it can also be a big help in your recovery. It all depends on how you approach it."


(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you karma. Sincerely :)


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plain of lethal flatness....I have hunted there often! Always see rabbits, but never kill anything. I do, however, always find myself back in the woods were real game is waiting to be hunted!

Fear not TheAmazingWondertwin....you are stronger than I.....and I find my way out of this meh stage...so you will too. Time is your friend....in a short time you will be back hunting grizzlies with the rest of us.....then you will need a break and back to the plain you go. While the plain is boring, it is safe to hang out there for a bit....nothing but cottontails here...no grizzlies!

I think it is a way our minds do a hard-restart on us to protect us from overload.

Try and float....read a magazine for fun, go to nature (my fav), let your husband keep doing AMAZING things for you.....don't be overly grateful for this, its what a fWS should do...actually, it is what should be expected of both spouses in a healthy M.

I state my confidence in you so strongly because I follow your posts. I see a determination in you. I share determination too. Determination by itself wont save our respective marriages...but it will get you out of the spot you find yourself in.

My advice is to.....keep posting. Screw if it makes sense. Some of my shortest posts have resulted in getting me off this plain....we got your back!

God be with us all.

p.s. I dig your new name.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:43 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Happy  Posted: 7:21 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself at this point also. I think we deserve it for a bit, just to be us for a moment. I am tired of asking the same questions over and over. I have learned nothing new. I don't want to feel sad, mad, or hurt just for a brief period of time. I just want to be if that makes sense. I don't think it will last long. Just enough to give my mind a break. I wish all of us a great Thanksgiving and enjoy your families


BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with horseface
DDay 2 05/09/14 inappropriate texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013
Leafan1976
♂ New Member
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there. It's very tough.
Welcome to the roller coaster called recovery.

There is going to be many ups and many downs. If you don't want to ask. Don't. But those questions you are afraid to ask might haunt you for years. You will never forget what happened.


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is something wrong with my plain of flatness.... When I go there it's really really sad and depressing. So I don't get to feel nothing, I don't get a break...I get depressed.

I keep talking to my H....I have no one else so he's my guide off the plain.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am tired of asking the same questions over and over. I have learned nothing new. I don't want to feel sad, mad, or hurt just for a brief period of time. I just want to be if that makes sense. I don't think it will last long. Just enough to give my mind a break

This is it right there.Unfortunately, in not feeling sad, mad or hurt...I am also not feeling very happy.

I state my confidence in you so strongly because I follow your posts. I see a determination in you. I share determination too. Determination by itself wont save our respective marriages...but it will get you out of the spot you find yourself in.

thank you so much for this ^^^^^^^^^^ AND the awesome analogy. I want to start writing a book- make it a collection of analogies from the A. We have all become so creative in our pain. sorry, I digress.

I am glad someone sees determination in what I am doing. And it helps to hear it. With my recent upgrade (and my new fancy schmancy name :) I was able to begin re reading my posts from all the way back in the beginning. Im not emotional about it- just pensive and watching my journey. It is an interesting exercise.

It might be what I need to keep doing to remind myself of how hard I have fought, and how determined I have been. Because I feel like I am losing it- the determination. Im not giving up, I just...don't know what else can be done.

I tried so very hard for so very long and none of it kept the A from happening. Whoa-not going down that road right now.

We've talked. He answered my questions. Hes being great. So....here we are.

Hm. I don't want to leave- I know that. I don't want him to go. He is rebuilding his relationships with the kids, spending so much time on the house and plans that we have put off for so long.
But the other day- when he asked if he could get just a small break after the weekend (from talking)- I agreed, because I was tired too and I could tell he was.
In that conversation, he said to me, "You know the whole story now. I will answer any questions, but I don't know if there is anything else really."
Not in a defensive way- almost in a hopeful "please tell me we can take a small break" kind of way.
I heard "I don't want to talk anymore. it hurts me. I want to forget about it"
He actually did ask if I had any more questions about the A because he is really tired of thinking about it- he doesn't want to anymore- they aren't pleasant memories, etc. etc.
I get it.
And to be honest. I don't want to either. I don't want to hear anymore. Any question I think to ask, I find I really just don't feel like watching him feel ashamed, tell me, say he's sorry...blah blah blah.
Im just tired of it.

How many times can the guy say he's sorry? Its becoming white noise at this point.
So he talks about our past- special happy times and times he "fell in love" with me, and times he remembers that were so special to him - he does this to reassure me, and to remind himself I think.
I know he is remorseful and knows he effed up. I think him trying to tell me these stories is his way of letting me know that our life DID mean something.
Well it did. And all of those wonderful things were still not enough to stop you from having the A.
Where were your precious memories then?
They obviously weren't precious enough.
And so now he paints and moves furniture and gives me a new bathroom and a new workout room.
Just like when I was in the hospital with my second cesarean- the entire 4 days of recovery he was absent from my bedside. I was so alone.
We were three thousand miles away from my family. His mother called me a "bitch" right after my son was born because I didn't want her to take a picture immediately after surgery. And he was at home.
Painting my bathroom and hanging curtains.

He was so proud. He worked the whole time to "surprise" me with the new bathroom.
And now... the A.
We hit a roadblock and he starts painiting and moving furniture. Its cute really. I appreciate it- its his way.

Did I mention when I had my hysterectomy? Yah, he was working overtime during that so he could take some time off to help me recover ( appreciated)- but my mom took me to the hospital, I got a phone call pre op, and then he was there right after wards and popped in a few times while he was working.
Im babbling now.
I love my new rooms. I do. Its his way of showing love right now.
But it is not what I need.
What I think I need- is not something I feel like doing right now.
I know we need to keep talking. but...I just dont know what to ask.

thanks for being here everyone. Posting has always helped me.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 8:05 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its his way of showing love right now.
But it is not what I need.

I'm stuck right here too. My husband solves complicated problems at work, spends SO MUCH TIME making sure our kids are doing the right thing and protecting them, looking out for them. Taking care of THEM is how he shows ME love. I'm not sure why.

I need honesty and a willingness to look at himself square in the face. A willingness to look at what I did square in the face. He can't do it. So, I need to decide if this is enough for me.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5251 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin, know that this is a normal thing, and with your recent revelations it's your brains way of taking a break and giving you some rest.

If you have questons write them down, so you don't forget, and just let them lie for a while. He is doing the right stuff now, and that's great, so enjoy the holiday and don't worry too much about it. This is all part of healing. Focus on yourself, and family, and enjoy the next few days.
The pendulum will swing the other way again, and then you can plan a time to sit down, and calmly discuss the questions, and concerns you have.

Be easy on yourself though. It takes time to heal, and although things are going good you will have these days where you go meh. But you will also have days where you realize you are fortunate to have a man that is willing to do the hard work, and you will have days where you are angry as hell about it. That's ok too. It's all part of the process.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8693 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was able to begin re reading my posts from all the way back in the beginning. Im not emotional about it- just pensive and watching my journey. It is an interesting exercise.

I did the same thing...a little. Truthfully, it was hard to read some of my first posts....so niave, so full of "we got this". It was painful because there was no "we" in my wifes mind...it was all about her.....I'll stop there too

I have only ventured into the Just Found Out forum a couple of times....so much pain is tapped into when I read about how some are reacting to their DD....niave and have no idea the pain they are really in. It took me months to find my RAGE! What "man" doesn't RAGE immediately upon finding out his wife had unprotected sex with another man?!?! God have mercy on me.

Where were your precious memories then?
They obviously weren't precious enough.

Word of caution with this assumed statement. Yes, our fWS lacked "something" to choose adultery. However, I don't know if it is tied like you state it is. I question this because it has a taste of "if we had a few more precious memories our spouses would not have committed adultery" feel to it. My wifes ability to choose adultery was the culmination of a lifetime of patterns working toward it....had nothing to do with me. I am working through the pain that her sister recommended she keep the A a secret...that somehow this COULD be done and SHOULD be done! FOO affects every child in that home....my wife could have been married to Tom Selleck, lived in Hawaii, rode in a Ferrari, and her pattern would have been the same as it was-is being married to me. What she had with her AP was consistent with her coping mechanism....guard yourself, lies are fine, feelings and needs are weakness's, never risk reaching out to another person--you will just get hurt.

Not in a defensive way- almost in a hopeful "please tell me we can take a small break" kind of way.
I heard "I don't want to talk anymore. it hurts me. I want to forget about it"

I wrestle with this too. Regardless of the poor choice to commit adultery, our spouses are not idiots. They fully get that what they did was wrong....hardly need us to remind them of this daily. However, there is a disconnect that occurred....a serious lack of compassion and empathy for the one they vowed to never loose this for, or maybe it was a serious ability to compartmentalize and lock compassion and empathy away for a bit? Either way...allowing a fWS to see the pain and hurt their actions have caused COULD provide the energy needed for them to change their pattern.

BUT....we all need "fun" in our relationship. What I think your husband is saying to you is what my wife has told me....can we just have a bit of frivalous fun for a bit please?

Truthfully, I like having fun NOW more then I did before. I was on a path of living for the future and not appreciating the present. I am committed to changing this bad habit of mine. Finding energy created by just having fun is helping me work on serious issues....the perverbial "recharging your batteries". A 6 mile nature hike and a night in the motel room with my wife was.......AMAZING!!!!

At times I think...."If this werent so damn painful, I would consider it quite an exhilarating experience." wierd, huh?

I have found sides of me that I lost sometime over the past 15 years of marriage...little things like a real love of our dog.

This is a curious journey.....made better by folks like you.

Hang in there...you are doing fine!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:51 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its his way of showing love right now.
But it is not what I need.

Have you taken the love languages quiz to determine what your respective love languages are?

http://www.iacac.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/D31-I-Hate-Your-Job-The-5-Love-Languages.pdf

is a link to this quiz...print it off and take it if you have not...have your husband do the same.

I was showing love to my wife in ways I THOUGHT were important because they are what I like. She was doing a similar thing. It really is important to learn the others love language and speak it. It shows a willingness to sacrifice for the other....to learn something new, to give up the comfort of something old.

Peace to us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH didn't want to be be part of the precious memories. He chose pornography over doing the things that created memories with us.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 19

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