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User Topic: Regrets
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 14 months in R. It has been the normal, usual bumpy road as most of us have been on.

My fWH has been the man, husband, father...I once knew and then some. The last time he had contact with the OW was back in February when he had to fill in at her store. Nothing romantic, but still cordial. Since then, he appears to have no concern for the OW or her BFF. He even let me send a letter about the way he felt about her now.

I love my H, I am even falling back in love with him. He shows me his remorse...he puts up with triggers...answers questions...comforts me. So, I still didn't understand how after 14months of NC on a romantic level...why do I still feel estranged? Is this just a way of protecting myself because there is still trust issues? I have read that forgiveness doesn't come till you feel safe. I know that "that" is built up over time.

He focuses so much on forgiveness. For my sake and the sake of our M. Why is that so hard? I think, I know why. I read in "Not Just Friends" that we need to forgive ourselves first.

I hadn't done that up until now. I couldn't forgive myself for being so trusting...so gullible... But, that is a good thing right? That is the qualities of a loyal and loving spouse. To trust...to believe. I have forgiven myself for being honest, good...better.

For sometime, I felt that staying was weak...I could not forgive myself for choosing this...for choosing to marry a man that betrayed me...for choosing to stay. Now, I see that is not weak...that is strong...that is grace (with the help of others on here...I see that now). That isn't being a doormat...that is love. That is living life. That is honesty...and believing in someone. It wasn't my choice that he threw that away...that he took that gift for granted.

For sometime, I couldn't forgive myself for not reacting differently. For allowing him to run the show for the first two months. For allowing him to dictate how I should feel and act. For allowing him to protect himself and his AP's (yes AP's...now I consider his relationship with the APs BFF boss an A too, though not as romantic). I couldn't forgive myself for allowing him to stonewall me. I couldn't forgive myself for putting up with the bullshit fog. But, that wasn't me...that was him...that was his doing.

For sometime I had regret for how I confronted him...her...for not telling his Boss. There is nothing I can do about it now. I can play out as many scenarios in my head that may have made me feel better if I had the chance to give in to my pain instead of worrying about pushing him away, alienating him at work, risking his job, embarrassing them all...but it will not change how it happened. I need to forgive myself for handling it the way I did. For allowing him to walk all over me for the first several months.

Sure I could have walked in and caused a scene...blew it out of the water...not believed his lies...but I can't...it is over...these regrets...these things will never change...and I am going to forgive myself for being the better person...for trusting...for believing. I wasn't weak...I was strong...I was true.

It is time to move on and no longer have the "I wish..." I did this or did it like that...

All I can do is impart some wisdom.

Tell the OBS right away. Tell HR right away. Don't let your spouse dictate how to act or feel. Don't succumb to this in fear of pushing them away, because in a few months...you will realize that they are not worth as much as you thought and that your healing and the right steps to heal your M is worth so much more than that.

I do wish I told the OBS right away and HR...it would have helped in avoiding further contact with AP and having a Band-Aid ripped off. I do wish I had walked into work and confronted them both and embarrassed the shit out of her...so everyone knew what she was. But, I can't change that and I am letting it go and forgive myself...because when it comes down to it...this was all his fault. I shouldn't have to forgive myself for making the best of a traumatic event my H dealt me.

I am in no way saying you should not own up to your share of marital problems...I am saying that no excuse is okay for the A. It is their fault if they had an A. Forgive yourself for your weaknesses...that was just reality and those weaknesses do not excuse their behavior. Those are not weaknesses (me being engrossed with being a mother of two toddlers) that is just human. Your spouse always had the choice to talk to you instead of cheat.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Shocked2believe
♀ Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW Hopefulmother. What a lovely and inspirational post. Thank you!


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I shouldn't have to forgive myself for making the best of a traumatic event my H dealt me.

This in particular is resonating with me today.
This is a great post, thanks for sharing the wisdom! :)


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are welcome and thank you...but the credit really goes to the book, "Not Just Friends". It really helped me get through and understand so much. I just finished it today. Read a little at a time. It does make you trigger and there is so much to discuss when you go through it with your spouse. But, so worth it...just take a little at a time instead of plowing through it like most books...let it sink in or read it as you experience it.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could have written your post....not as well as you did...but I would have hit the highlights effectively.

Your spouse always had the choice to talk to you instead of cheat.

Yep.....my wifes sister actually encouraged her NOT to talk to me about her affair, to keep the affair secret and just put it on a shelf and work on her marriage. Advice that fed into my wifes coping mechanism (avoiding conflict and keeping secrets)...and threw fuel on the fire. It was like two pyromaniacs trusting each other to keep matches from each other.

FOO issues in full play. My wife was handicapped by her FOO issues, compounded by her sisters warped advice....but my wife still had choices. She choose poorly, she choose easy over hard, she freely gave away for.........?

I regret my actions following DD. Will forever. I have forgiven myself. I did the best I could but it was ugly and embarrassing. What got me past this is the thought of my daughters doing what I did upon being abused by adulterous decisions of their future husbands....I would be sick over watching them do what I did, but I would love them as much as ever. I am sickened by blakesteeles actions, but I still love him. I have forgiven him. By the way, our daughters are 6 and 9 and I pray they never learn the initial BS or WS and avoid this serious pain in their lives.

It is unlike any words can describe....and I have written volumes trying to.

For sometime, I felt that staying was weak...I could not forgive myself for choosing this...for choosing to marry a man that betrayed me...for choosing to stay. Now, I see that is not weak...that is strong...that is grace (with the help of others on here...I see that now). That isn't being a doormat...that is love. That is living life. That is honesty...and believing in someone. It wasn't my choice that he threw that away...that he took that gift for granted.

This was a stand out quote for me.

When you give a gift you don't give it with stipulations. If the receiver decides to sell it on craigslist or give it to good will...you have zero control over it. You CAN choose to continue to bring gifts to that person...with the realization that gift could be sold or given away again. If I was giving love as a toaster, but my wife preferred a toaster oven...it is up to her to communicate her desires to me....give me a chance to meet those desires. This was not done time and again throughout our M. For that matter...I was guilty of the same mode of operation.

God bless you for a kind, wonderful post hopefulmother.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:10 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 5

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