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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My story
chasinglove
♀ New Member
Member # 41417
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been perusing the forum for a while and thought I'd share my story, sorry if it's a bit long.
My husband and I have been together for close to 14 years, we met when I was fairly young. I've always had this nagging feeling that something was off, I thought maybe he swung the other way sexually, never thought it was because he was cheating.
I would say we were pretty happy together, had a good sex life, he was there every night, etc.

So a couple of months ago I decided to "browse" through his emails, I found that he was sending naked pics, etc to a woman he used to work with, there was even one email where he stated they should run away together- the emails were from a year ago so I was shocked but a part of me thought maybe he had ended it.

I confronted him when he came home, I didn't provide any details as to what I saw but asked him what is going on with this other woman - he stated that he's been seeing her for the past 4 years!!! Not only that but he slept around with 4 other woman prior to the affair with this one. Everything was done during the day, he would take time off of work, etc. The confusing bit is throughout this time he's always been there for me, sweet and kind, I never saw it coming.

So long story short I moved out right after to give myself time to think things over, I couldn't throw away 14 years (we don't have kids). We started MC and he started IC as well. I decided to see if I could give him another chance since I still love him but told him he has to be 100% sure that I'm the person he wants to be with for the rest of his life because I'm not there yet.

We still live apart but are now "dating" and trying to reconcile. It's been 7 months since I found out and every day is different, some days I feel like I'm doing the right thing staying with him, other days I feel like I shouldn't accept something like this and should be out pursuing another life for myself. It's really 50/50. The part that bothers me is that we met so young and he's the first guy I've been with sexually, I know the grass is not greener on the other side but part of me sometimes wonders if maybe there's another guy out there. The MC told us not to make any drastic decisions, but it's just so hard to recommit not knowing if this will happen again in the future - I feel like the good years of my life were taken away and I don't want to throw away another couple of years just to find out he's cheated again.

He's been completely upfront with everything I'm asking, trying his best, I think the problem now is me.


Me: 31
Him: 37
Together for 14 years.
DD: 04/30/2013
OW: colleague from previous job he'd been having an A with for 4 years, and a couple of others from school he slept with prior to that. He ended A in front of me at my request, trying R and MC.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((chasinglove))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thank you for sharing your story.

Please do not think "I think the problem now is me". It's his responsibility to work every day to show you that you can trust him.

Keep posting, it helps.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this sounds like us! We met young and were together for 12 years when my WW had a nine-month A. She, too, did it during work hours and seemed loving and caring in the evenings.

I don't have answers for you, just want you to know you're not alone.

We don't have children and I'm struggling with how to move on, together or separate. I hate 'throwing away' all this history.

Good luck to you. Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
chasinglove
♀ New Member
Member # 41417
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both! It helps to know that others are going through the same thing, and I'm glad to have found this forum.
I have a feeling that 99% of couples go through this and just don't talk about it. I especially can't stand it when media makes it so black & white, I had a trigger yesterday watching a show, someone on the show mentioned that if you stay with the person who cheated on you then they'll never respect you ever again! Arrgghh


Me: 31
Him: 37
Together for 14 years.
DD: 04/30/2013
OW: colleague from previous job he'd been having an A with for 4 years, and a couple of others from school he slept with prior to that. He ended A in front of me at my request, trying R and MC.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Chasing - Know that you have found a great place.

You know it's totally up to you if you feel that the damage done is too great, and that you will not be able to trust again, it's ok. It's also ok to want to try to save the relationship.

I think in your situation, it's going to take some time for you to have a clear answer. Some of the things to consider are.
Has he been working on himself and figuring out why he felt the need to do this? Not the bullshit answers of I was lonely or I wanted the attention but the deeper answers, I wanted validation, or to know that others found me attractive, and why did he need that. If he is, and is doing the work to heal himself, then great, that shows you that perhaps he will be trustworthy again someday.

Secondly, what about you. Have you been on your own before? Were you an independent woman, who didn't have to rely on her parents, or did you go from a kid in school to a married woman? I think learning that you are and can be ok on your own, and finding your own level of happiness is essential to those of us in R that did marry their first loves. The fear of being alone, or without someone else can make us make decisions that aren't always the smartest. I have seen it time and again in real life and here.
Being happy with who you are, and knowing you don't NEED him is important, because it allows you to see things more clearly, and be less willing to tolerate the crap that a WS can dole out in heaps.

You also said something about possible sexual prefernce issues, has he explored this? If you question it, the person that knows him better than anyone else, then he may need to really evaluate those feelings, and may explain his whole issue of not feeling like it was quite right or good enough.

Please know that you did nothing to cause all of this, he is broken, and has healing to do, he came that way, you didn't break him.

Keep reading, keep posting....You will find your path.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
chasinglove
♀ New Member
Member # 41417
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you tushnurse

Has he been working on himself and figuring out why he felt the need to do this? Not the bullshit answers of I was lonely or I wanted the attention but the deeper answers, I wanted validation, or to know that others found me attractive, and why did he need that. If he is, and is doing the work to heal himself, then great, that shows you that perhaps he will be trustworthy again someday.

He really has, right now he's still ashamed of what he did, I'm just surprised at the length of the affair. When I found out and exposed him he was sick for days, vomiting and couldn't keep food down. He has been extremely open and is working on himself and trying to figure out the cause.

Secondly, what about you. Have you been on your own before? Were you an independent woman, who didn't have to rely on her parents, or did you go from a kid in school to a married woman? I think learning that you are and can be ok on your own, and finding your own level of happiness is essential to those of us in R that did marry their first loves. The fear of being alone, or without someone else can make us make decisions that aren't always the smartest. I have seen it time and again in real life and here.
Being happy with who you are, and knowing you don't NEED him is important, because it allows you to see things more clearly, and be less willing to tolerate the crap that a WS can dole out in heaps.

Agreed, I did pretty much go from living at home to living with him and then getting married. That is the main reason why I moved out after finding out about the A, I needed to know that I could take care of myself and also show him that I didn't need him to take care of me. I am extremely independent now and successful. It helps to know that I'm with him because I want to be with him and not because I need to be with him.

On the other hand I also see this as an issue now as well because I LOVE having my own space and having some nights to myself. Our MC said to take as much time as needed, if we need to live apart and still date each other for the rest of our lives then so be it, but I'm at a time in my life where I'm considering children, having a house, etc and part of me is trying to ignore these feelings to avoid rushing back.

I guess it's just one day at a time...


Me: 31
Him: 37
Together for 14 years.
DD: 04/30/2013
OW: colleague from previous job he'd been having an A with for 4 years, and a couple of others from school he slept with prior to that. He ended A in front of me at my request, trying R and MC.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 6

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