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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Tormenting thoughts ...
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It started last Tuesday , thoughts, serious thoughts of leaving h. Going over and over in my head, what to tell him, where to go, financial details. I go to work, so hard to concentrate. So how do I cope with thoughts? Sleep and wine. Yap, been drinking a lot of wine lately. Seems to cheer me up and I sort of forget about it for awhile. I feel a bit hypocrite ... How I feel and how I behave while he s around. Imagine, I feel guilty for my feelings. Pretty pathetic.

Yesterday was the worse. I almost called my son to let him know I was moving in with them. Instead I drank a bottle of wine, did some painting, made a great supper and went to bed. Dreamed about him, a good dream, felt happy this morning. It didn't last though. My thoughts of leaving him are back.

How I wish I could make a decision and stick with it. My feelings about his ons, his pornography, his phone calls etc. and God knows what else does not seem to hurt as much now. Again, is this a phase I am going through. I seem to focus on one issue at a time. First it was the discovery! shock! deep pain. Then it was "is he telling me the truth", now it s "should I leave, can I make it on my own".

Have to realize that I may spend the rest of my life without a partner, may end up living in an apartment. He may get remarried, do well ... Have to face all the unexpected moments. Hard decision.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do this every once in a while too. I think it's my way of getting okay with it if it happens again. To know I will be okay on my own if he hurts me again. I think this is just your mind trying to organize those thoughts and get comfortable with them.

Give yourself time. I know from other tragedies in my life that two or three years can make a big difference. You will feel differently in two years than you do now. Is your H doing everything that he should to help you heal?

((((LBTS))))


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 244 | Registered: Oct 2013
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We avoid the topic. It s like we both pretend it never happened. He is very loving, caring. But we don't talk about it much. I mention the subject up maybe once every 3 weeks.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get him trying to avoid the topic...it's what most waywards do, especially if not pushed to do so. I think part of your problem is all the shit going on in your mind that you don't talk about. I know it is hard...I know that look they can give you like they would rather be dead than discuss this. It's not good for you though. It helps so much to be able to voice what is going on in the head...to ask questions if that is what you need to do. Can you make him understand that although the loving and caring man is all good...you need to talk to work through this. After 27 months, I still have an occasional need to talk about it or ask a question. Just the other night my H said "you are probably going to ask questions forever" I said I don't know for sure but right now it feels that way. It doesn't feel great to him but he calmly answers whatever I need to know. Of course, given the choice, most of them will never be the aggressor in these conversations...push him a bit.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 293 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We avoid the topic. It s like we both pretend it never happened. He is very loving, caring. But we don't talk about it much. I mention the subject up maybe once every 3 weeks.

This sounds like rug-sweeping. Do you feel like one or both of you are sweeping the affair under the rug?


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am certainly not rug sweeping! He acts like nothing happened. Every thing is sweetheart, holding hands, I love you ... Makes me suspicious. Like I feel like saying, what the hell, have you forgotten what you did to us ...

Last time we discussed the subject, he said, do you have to ask the same questions over and over and over again?

I have a deep suspicion that he is still lying. That he has not told me everything.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, I also think about him coming home to find all of his stuff thrown on the lawn. Or cleaning out the bank account and running to where my son lives with his dad. Especially when I think of how much I have given up to be with him. Part of me feels like a huge idiot for trying to R... Then he comes home... and is being all remorseful and doing the right things... like when I went to check his phone today, it's open to an article about Sex addiction. But still... part of me thinks he had it like that on purpose to throw me off. Infidelity causes you to question EVERYTHING...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 1:50 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe I am in a similar situation. I am not considering leaving, but we had a marathon weekend of revelations from him- 2 weekends actually.
It was hard on him and he let me know. He asked if we were okay for a little bit- so he could get his bearings.
He is being wonderful and caring and attentive and lets me know If we need to talk we can- but it's been almost three full days and we haven't. I'm okay for now. I keep telling myself to relax- nothing bad is happening RIGHT NOW- we can let it rest for a minute.
But yes... I keep thinking- is this it? Now we just pretend it never happened? My soul was torn to shreds and now we just talk about how our day at work went? Weird.
But what's the point of rehashing it right now?
I feel like I want to talk- I just don't know what about.
He answered my questions- now I'm just left with... Okay, so it happened.
It's this weird limbo.
For now I'm just sitting tight. Wait and see where it goes I guess.


Edited because my auto correct has different ideas than I do.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 3:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazingwondertwin, we could be twins. Same ages (for a week and half, when I turn 40!) but also... I want to talk... But about what? The same stuff I already know? He can't give me anymore answers. He either doesn't remember, or doesn't pay attention... Not knowing exactly what she looks like is driving me crazy...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 9

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