Am I being unrealistic to think she will fix herself and come back?
Stay the course. Your actions will support your detachment and healing no matter what she chooses. That is the point. Focus on you.
I didn't see them as the flag they were.
I am grateful you are recognizing an issue that would affect your M so early on. It bodes well for your future.
It is still painful....would still recommend working on yourself, going to IC....just to figure out what attracted you to her from the start.
Just out of curiosity...did you and your wife do pre-marital counseling? My wife and I started it...but the preacher got caught up in a sex, adultery type of scandal.....was removed and we did not have counsel pre-M. Often wondered this past year if we would have uncovered our respective intimacy-blocking issues....or not.
God be with us all.
I'm glad none of that happened now.
I'm 27, have a good job, and am a great guy. I have a bright future ahead of me with or without her. And I'm not waiting around for someone who could so continuously hurt me.
Keep remembering this and make it your mantra for the time being!!!
She's not remorseful and is still blameshifting. It doesn't matter why she contacted him, it's that she did contact him, and she had no reason to do so. It's over means it's over. Period.
All of this may have been an unconscious way for her to reconcile having married for insurance. Sounds like the two of you really backed into it. Sometimes mistakes compound each other. If so, she won't be back and in either case she will not better herself to your satisfaction.
You deserve more. You deserve someone faithful who would not dream of hurting you. You deserve someone who has not cheated on you. You are young, do not have children together. You want your children to have a mother who is not a cheater. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with this tarnishing a marriage. You can start over with no complications. Think of every reason you would want her and then imagine having a person with all those attributes who has not cheated on you and never would. Go find her. Have fun finding her but learn from this....never give another human the pain she has given you.
I''ve decided to leave and live my life.
I like your choice. Cheating before and during the marriage with two different men, married for insurance reasons, alcohol problems, "recreational" drug usage, TT, breaking no contact, toxic MIL, and lying from the start. Seems straight forward. You tried to help her, forgave her, and temporarily controlled her in a reasonable manner along the way. My hunch is that she "loves" your ability to enhance her facade, the very system that continues to hurt you. Don't contribute to it anymore. Acknowledge her track record and don't be sold by promises. Be thankful you acquired this wisdom now before investing decades of marriage, kids, and a mortgage to her false facade. And with this new wisdom, be thankful if you meet someone new and worthwhile, you will appreciate this new person in a way you could never before.
[This message edited by still-living at 3:27 AM, November 27th, 2013 (Wednesday)]
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.