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User Topic: I think i have to leave her
emotionalman
♂ New Member
Member # 41423
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out today that she broke NC to apologize to him for ending it so abruptly. She had told me she was going to be completely open and honest with me. She gave me the passwords to her e-mail, cell phone records, and facebook.

Then she used skype to reach out to him to apologize cause she knew she could delete the record.

I am crazy for thinking I just need to leave? It took her 1 week to break NC. I got him to send me a copy of what she sent. She was so soft and nice to him. She didn't leave room open for him to restart the A, but she apologized that because I blocked him on her phone she could no longer text him. She said he was going through his own cheating issues and it wasn't fair to dump our problems on him too.

I just don't think she understands what it means to be remorseful. I don't think I can trust her again when there are so many ways she can go behind my back to do this. There is no way I can keep track of it all.

I told her I wouldn't be able to deal with her contacting him again before she gave her final goodbye. She promised that this was the last contact and she just wanted to end it cleanly with him. She said she'd never thought I'd find out and if she never told me, she'd finally have closure and she'd be able to move on.

Too bad I found out.

I think I may be done.

[This message edited by emotionalman at 8:49 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Age: Late 20's
D-Day: 11/18/13
Separated: 11/25/13

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So..as long as you don't find out..it's ok?


HUGE problem there. She is telling you she will continue to do what she wants..she'll just try and be more careful so you don't find out.

I read your other thread, and what she said to OM when she broke NC. She is sorry you found out,sorry you blocked him,blah,blah,blah. She was letting him know she is with you for money,she didn't block him, she enjoyed the affair,and she misses him.

Why should you leave? Tell her to GTFO.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7248 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she'd finally have closure and she'd be able to move on.

Closure? You being out of the loop is her idea of closure. She's reopened the door for him and now she can move forward knowing that she misses him and he is important. So much for a clean break.
The only thing she closed off in that situation was the flow of information to YOU.

She is not close to remorse. Not even a little.

I suppose on the bright side, you aren't under any false impressions, that could allow her to go underground with this A.

What a terrible thing to read.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your other thread. The message she sent was not her taking responsibility for her actions and saying it was wrong, it was her blaming you and if you didn't find out then they would still be together. She showed more compassion to the OM than she does towards you.

I may not be the best person to give advice here because I'm in my own messed up situation, but if her mother has been trying to get her to leave you and feels that you pushed her daughter to these A's then, to me, it seems like you're fighting an uphill battle.

It may be time to really sit down and evaluate everything.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should you leave? Tell her to GTFO.

^^^This.

In your other thread you said you were worried that if you kick her out she will live with her Mom and her Mom will convince her not to try to R. Well guess what? She is not trying now! She is cake eating and trying to set up both you and OM to be a back up plan.

Your dday is very recent so I know everything is new and scary and disorienting. It is hard to know what decisions to make this early on. Many advise BS's not to make any decisions for 6-12 months, but sometimes you have to make decisions earlier because you need to save yourself. Regardless, only do what YOU feel comfortable with. If you feel you are done for now, then you are done. You may change you mind in a few months if your WW becomes truly remorseful. That is ok. Or you may decide not to make a decision right now. That is ok too.

Stay strong. Try to eat. Try to get some rest. Go 180 with WW until you feel you are ready to make a decision.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted on your other thread about her breaking NC. I think it would be hard to feel safe in a M with an unremorseful WW who has 2 ddays and has broken NC to protect the feelings of her OM, and a MIL who is speaking poorly of you and supporting your WW in her A.

What are you getting from staying M to this woman?

There is no going back to the M you knew. Your WW has trashed that, and you will come to understand that you do not want to be married to who she was back than and still is. You want a W who is capable of empathy, who is open to an emotionally intimate relationship. A person with him you can have conflict or express disagreement, but know that you are safe in doing so. You want a W who feels the same and will honestly share her feelings with you while trusting in her love for you and yours for her. You want a W who will not tolerate others, especially family members, talking you down. You want a W who is healthy, and does not rely on men, alcohol, or drugs to soothe her feelings. You want a W with boundaries who defends your M with you, and does not flirt and look for affirmation form OM.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:01 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
emotionalman
♂ New Member
Member # 41423
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have another major post and made a major decision there. So I figure I'll repaste it here as well:

"I've decided that I'm going to give her the next two days to pack her shit. I will be sleeping at a friends until then. I'm going to tell her she needs to go live with her mom and figure her shit out. Her mom is going to pick her shit up on thanksgiving. HAPPY F@&!'&@$ THANKSGIVING!

I'm going to be taking care of myself. She can take whatever time she needs to figure her shit out but I WON'T be waiting around on her. We have no kids and no mortgage so I will be moving on with my life. If she comes back some time later and she has fixed her shit than maybe I will give her a smallest chances. But right now I'm pretty sure I'm done.

I'm 27, have a good job, and am a great guy. I have a bright future ahead of me with or without her. And I'm not waiting around for someone who could so continuously hurt me.

Am i making a rash decision? "


Age: Late 20's
D-Day: 11/18/13
Separated: 11/25/13

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO...No, you're not. She's cake eating right now and she will either continue to do it if you let her. She's so deep in fog right now maybe this will help dislodge her head from backside. Make decisions for YOU. She checked out and hasn't checked back in.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your decision is NOT rash.

IMO your decision is the right one.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3417 | Registered: Sep 2007
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, not rash at all, and know that many WS's do not "get it" until they are served up a big ole slice of the reality pie. So if you feel that you can no longer trust her based on her actions, good for you. I wish I could have been that strong that early on.

You are a young man with the world at your feet, and if she can't repsect you then it's her loss. Do NOT be surprised if she shows back up at your door, swearing remorse, and wanting to try again, in fact prepare yourself for it. If you want to give her a chance then, be prepared to lay down the your groundrules for R. She can either take them, or take a walk.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8062 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
emotionalman
♂ New Member
Member # 41423
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being unrealistic to think she will fix herself and come back?

I won't be waiting for her. I'm going to better myself and start dating when I'm ready. I am going to move on. But Is leaving that little window of hope open too much?


Age: Late 20's
D-Day: 11/18/13
Separated: 11/25/13

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*unrealistic* may be too harsh a word. At this point it seems unlikely she will fix herself especially when she is around her mother who has supported her affair.

Listen. The 180 is your best tool even when separated. The truth is that right now it should not matter to you whether she gets her shit together or not. Move on with your life. If she want to reconcile at some point let HER chase YOU.

Remember tho that the best predictor of future actions is past behavior.

Move on. See a lawyer if you need to. But just get on with your life. She will either be a part of your new life or she wont. Dont worry about that. Whether she is or is not in your life is on her right now.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3417 | Registered: Sep 2007
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being unrealistic to think she will fix herself and come back?

If she buys into anything her mother says about you being controlling and that you pushed her into the affairs, then she won't see herself as the broken one so there is nothing for her to fix. Which is probably why she showed more compassion to her AP then to you. She feels justified in actions. Don't hold your breath that she's going to fix herself. There's a good chance that she will go back to her AP with a sob story about how horrible you are for kicking her out before Thanksgiving "How could he do this to me!"

I'm 27, have a good job, and am a great guy. I have a bright future ahead of me with or without her. And I'm not waiting around for someone who could so continuously hurt me.

Let this be your mantra. You don't this type of toxic people in your life.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about to go underground


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 524 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being unrealistic to think she will fix herself and come back?
The thing with questions like these is the answer is COMPLETELY out of your control. You have been given some good advice. I will just add a bit of my story. My Dday was in mid 2011. I felt the same way you did in terms of still loving my STBXWW but I didn't put my foot down. She stayed on the fence for another 2 years and put me through a year of false reconciliation before I finally pulled the plug. So many broken NC's after telling me she was through with the A and trickle truth to no end. My point is when your WS is not remoresful (yours may feel slightly guilty but she is NOT remorseful) the best thing you can do is be firm in your decisions and put the hammer down up front. It sucks emotionally for you but it puts all cards on the table right then and there. Take back control of your life. You are choosing YOU and taking her ability to cake eat and fence sit away. So if you see your WW as unremorseful then by all means take steps to end your M. Go see a L and file for D the process is not instant and if she is truly remorseful her ACTIONS will show it and you can always stop or slow the D. She MUST do the heavy work or you are just prolonging YOUR agony and eventually setting yoruslef up for another DDay.

If you choose to leave for a few days fine but I personally recommend kicking her out instead. Go NC with her, go see a L, and file for D. You can give her you list of conditions for R that she MUST meet, file, and see if she meets them. Not some of them, but all of them. If she goes with her Mother and decides not to R then geuss what, she was going to make that decision ANYWAY and you just saved yourself months or YEARS of pain and anguish. 180 and focus on you. Keep posting it really does help. Don't let FEAR get the best of you. Your old M is dead, you need to detach and start focusing on you. If your WW does the work she needs to do you can start rebuilding a new M but both paths are very tough.

I'm 27, have a good job, and am a great guy. I have a bright future ahead of me with or without her. And I'm not waiting around for someone who could so continuously hurt me.
This is the right attitude and mantra to have. Keep saying it even when you have days where you don't believe it. On those days when she tries to pull you back in as her plan B go do something for yourself and focus on you. Rediscover who you are as a person and give yourself time to recover from this shitstorm. you will be okay. I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please consider doing a hard 180 on her.

My fWS also broke NC (within the week... she took her affair from text messages to using iphone app games for contact); ended up breaking it again later (then had to change the phone number) then six months later broke it again. She never restarted the PA but it took a good eight months to break the EA completely off.

When she would break NC I would 180 her, prepare to move out, etc (I meant it this was not a manipulation maneuver) she would come to her senses for awhile.

We have finally been AP free for 15 months. It took a long time, lots of 2 x 4s from friends, family and therapists and a lot of seeing what her life would be without me for her to come around.

Good luck to you.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2120 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 27, have a good job, and am a great guy. I have a bright future ahead of me with or without her. And I'm not waiting around for someone who could so continuously hurt me.

Write this on a piece of paper and photocopy it! Post it in every room of the house, your desk at work and in the car.

You will have days when you don't feel very strong but the fact that you got to this place at this time suggests the big picture looks good for you.

You have been given excellent advice and seem willing to take it. Happy for you!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2211 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't be waiting for her. I'm going to better myself and start dating when I'm ready. I am going to move on.
Good. Your WW is not marriage material at the moment.

One word of caution: don't date until your D is final. If she does come back before your D is final, you don't want your own fidelity to become a problem. I've read on SI of that happening, and you don't need more problems in your M.

et fix missing words

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 8:21 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some sins you simply must run away from....no closure, no examining the details...just run away. Adultery is one such sin. That is not to say a person who engages in this sin is done from working on fixing that part of them that chose it as an option...it simply means they need to get the hell away from 1/2 of the toxic soup...and that is their AP.

This closure talk? Bullshit. My wife sent an email to her AP, breaking NC, just to check in on him. BULLSHIT!

I took it....it was immediately following DD#2 and she was thick in the fog. Do I regret this? Yes.

I regret it because of the disappointment I would have if either of my daughters did this with their husbands adulterous actions. My daughters are 6 and 9 and I pray regularly that they never learn the initials BS or WS in their lifes journey. But if they do I hope I raise them with enough courage to do the right thing when abuse is administered to them.

I see your point and think it is a healthy option...at least to separate.

God hates divorce and the rupture and dissolving of families...but He understands the culprit adultery is to the deterioration of the marriage and family unit. He designed marriage to be a joint effort...not a solo journey.

I am sorry your wife has chosen as she has....effectively choosing to NOT be a part of your M any longer. She lacks courage to do anything different than she has for what I suspect is a lifetime. She made her choice...now you must make yours.

I will say a specific prayer for you....this is a very tough spot you find yourself in.

I am sorry for your pain. I will pray you have strength I failed to have 12 months ago.....

God have mercy on us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:56 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3574 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
emotionalman
♂ New Member
Member # 41423
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've decided to leave and live my life. Our current marriage and relationship was a farce. Even if she did come back, and for some ridiculous reason I thought it might work, it'd be a whole new relationship.

My current marriage is dead. It was only 3 'months in anyway. I can get through this. I know I'm gonna have hard nights where I do nothing but cry. But I have great friends already excited to have me be single again.

IF SHE COMES BACK, she will need to be a different person. She will need to have bettered herself. I can't be with a shitty person who doesn't respect me.

Sorry. Drunk and venting at a bar.

[This message edited by emotionalman at 9:08 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Age: Late 20's
D-Day: 11/18/13
Separated: 11/25/13

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 27
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