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User Topic: How to regain sexual confidence? T M I graphic
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you loyal woman,

That's pretty much what we have been doing for the last month, no sex but still hugging etc.

I think I am getting ready to try again and that's why I posted.

Thank you for your kind words, I think I need to gradually increase the contact as far as I feel comfortable and just let things happen naturally instead of worrying about them before they happen. I am a born worrier!

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostinthismess - I love your advice! Thanks so much. you're quite right I have been worrying too much about what he likes!

Even though he says he didn't enjoy it there is always that worm of doubt, I.e. well she did that and he likes it so he must have enjoyed that part and she is younger, slimmer, new etc etc. So no matter if he enjoyed it or not I feel he MUST be comparing. we have had a chat about it in detail today and he has explained that yes she lifted her skirt, but with me he would have inched it up - yes, she wore skimpy knickers but it was dark and he is visual - so on and so forth. But, he says, the main difference was she wasn't me and the sex was a manipulative game and about power and ego not lust so he found none of it sexy once he realised she held all the cards and wanted to take things further than he did, she had the power of knowing all h had done to betray me up to that point and could tell me anytime.

If I spend more thinking time on what I want, what I would like and letting him SHOW me how he feels I can see that really helping. That was what HB was all about, he kept stopping me doing all the things I know he likes cos he just wanted to focus on me and tbh it was mindblowing, this was before mind movies kicked in though. Got to be worth trying again.

If I think about it logically there is loads of evidence he is over the moon to still have me and that he seems to find me incredibly sexy. He is always touching me, looking at me - one day I did my hair and put some new clothes on just to feel a bit better about myself and he actually had tears in his eyes when he said how lovely I looked. A few times mid sex he has stopped and told me to be still, he just wanted to feel it and be close. That was kind of wow if I am honest.

So why can't I get all this evidence to sink into my thick head! It starts to and then she pops up with her smug grin grrrrr!

Blakesteele - thanks again. I have to jump right in and say I wrote that comment about his story not changing in completely the wrong way. Can I re write that bit lol. What I MEANT to say was his story re the factual events has not changed SINCE he fully confessed in June, prior to that he lied through his teeth! It was just friends, just to kisses etc etc but I could TELL he was lying! It was obvious. He had a cocky attitude, was distant and moody. He was acting like he had fully come back to me but he hadn't. He lost 2 stone in weight through guilt and looked grey and gaunt. Then on Father's day he couldn't take the guilt anymore and confessed, tried to leave first rather than own up but came running back 5 mins later and poured it all out. It was like he was being sick!

Since then the facts of what happened have not changed, a few details remembered is all. But the reasons why he did each thing are still unsure. He is working through all this on a written account of the affair he is working on for me. It's taking a long time cos he thinks he has an answer then realises it's not quite right. He has used me as a sounding board for all his theories and poor memory. I made him stop as it was really messing me about. I would cling to one thing he said, then it would change and I was left so angry and confused.

For now I know the facts but the reasons behind his actions are still swimming around his own head.

Sorry for the misleading statement that his story hadn't changed, I just meant the facts once he had confessed.

In answer to your questions, nope in no way do I believe they had any sort of love let alone mature love which I agree is pretty special.

Neither did she seeing as he was just one of many. She had about half a dozen admirers, I call them her minions as she told me she uses them all for meals, nights out, emotional stuff etc and provides sex only as a reward for them, goes through the motions to keep them wanting her - wtf! She lives with one, her ex, has one in a pub where she worked who provides her with free meals, another she calls her stalker, another she claims is a millionaire etc etc. A week after A ended she was bragging of a new boyfriend then a week after that she started another affair with one of h's colleagues!! Actually making out with him in the office in front of H! I could say some choice words here but I better hadn't. So no, I don't think she gave a damn either tbh. No love there, not even affair love On his part he has told me he has never felt so relieved as the day she ended it, he didn't even have the nerve to end it himself he is so conflict avoidant, he brought her to meet me hoping she would like me and call it off. She did but my god what a twisted way to do things.

Yep, you're quite right he certainly did make choices that show he thought she was worth risking the marriage for. At first it was 'just friends' or so he told himself, attention, where was the harm in that - yeah right, but that's what he told himself. Then it was just a bit of fun, an 'add on' to cheer him up. This stage only lasted a few days but once they kissed he didn't want anymore. The first kiss was a peck the second was for god knows what reason, he has hundreds but neither of them liked it and he thought that was the end of the physical stuff. Shame he didn't tell her that! Just said we shouldn't have done that - ugh, how stupid can you be?

Then on the night itself he was just too scared and weak to say no for a number of reasons, in case she told me what they had done, he realised he had led her on and didn't want to lose his friend so he took what she offered. He was also flattered and curious what it would be like with her. The hardest thing for me though is he actually told himself he had lost ME by his actions up to and including this point so he went ahead with it so as not to lose her too!!

So yeah, he made lots of choices that would risk the marriage then decided all by himself that I would never forgive him so he may as well go all the way. I think he fully expected to enjoy it and got a rude awakening when he didn't! He wanted it til he had it as far as I can tell.

Wayward thinking to a tee I think!

[This message edited by olwen at 12:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And this!

This "intentional" way of marriage is , sadly, new-to-me. Pre-A blakesteele falsely assumed my M would always be there. That my unmet needs would magically be met "sometime in the future". Until I am convinced I have embraced this intentional way of approaching M effectively, in healthy ways,I will refrain from D

Spot on, I was the same and now I know we have to work at this, it won't happen magically and neither of us is psychic so we MUST improve our communication and honesty.

Neither of us wants 'us' to end so we are working very hard to build a new stronger marriage.

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 41365
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a born worrier!

Me too! I hate the intrusive, anxious thoughts. I've been working at practicing mindfulness and that really helps. I'll turn my attention away from whatever the anxiety is and onto what I'm doing, whether that's breathing (well, I'm hopefully always doing that!), crocheting, stretching, taking a shower, etc. It takes practice but it's SO helpful. And with the crocheting I'm probably going to be making blankets really soon with how much it soothes my anxiety!

Me (BS): 33; Him (WH): 32
Married: 6 years, together 13
D-Days: 02/07/13, 11/12/13
More information found 03/28/2014
Getting a divorce and thrilled about it!

Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to believe that the fantasy of the sex throughout the affair is always better for them than the actual act. My SAWH's affair was long-term, she was his Person of Addiction as they say with SA. The guy has ED (which we now know is from compulsive porn and psychological issues such as witnessing a trauma as a child), so I can't imagine their sex life was any more frequent/exciting/fulfilling than ours is now. He had to use viagra and cialis with her (and hasn't as much with me). Also, something to keep in mind - they are not emotionally involved with their APs. It's all about lust. There is a big difference between a couple having sex and they are emotionally intimate vs. a couple having sex and they are just sexually intimate.

Take it slow. Try not to over think. Realize you are going to have good and bad days…just like anyone.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 3:17 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At almost 3 years down the road from d-day, I think that there is an extended period of time for reflection on topics that are a huge source of contention no matter the topic. For me, I had to really re-define how I viewed sex and my relationship to my fww in that regard. It takes time because the "game" you are playing (life post-A) has a whole new set of rules.

My point is that I think you can get past these feelings with due time and thought. I believe there is a point when you work on your own self esteem and start to realize that you are still desirable. Notice that I did not say specifically to your WH because it is you who has to see yourself as desirable. By your post, it sounds as if you do not have an issue with you, rather an issue with your perception of your WH's preference. Its probably natural to compare yourself to the AP but if you are going to do that, at least be fair and list your own strong points. Don't get too caught up in the fog of her wonderfulness.

I wish you the best.

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 26
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