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User Topic: What do I do with the anger/rage?
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Angry  Posted: 2:03 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to crying daily, numerous times, I find that I am SO DAMNED ANGRY and ENRAGED at my WH. What do I do with it, what can I do to discharge it? Exercise is mostly out because of a knee injury, & closet scream therapy just scares my youngest rescue pup.

I'm seeing an IC and we're in MC. I'll be asking these questions at our next MC session.

I've read many of the recommended books, read articles etc in The Healing Library, but is time the only thing that helps with the anger and the rage?

I had some 'new' trickle truth on Friday so that set me off anew. I asked before (in Sept) if there was anything else to tell me, and I wanted to know everything. He said no. LIAR.

After the latest Trickle Truth, I drew a line in the sand and in no uncertain words, said if I EVER find out anything more that he didn't mention because he thought it would upset me or he thought I didn't need to know, or he forgot he will be gone. Period.

How do I accept the past when his behavior is still so abhorrent to me, and my past as I knew it is soooo blatantly a lie? I know there are 5 stages of grief, often in no particular order, but I can't seem to move beyond the anger stage (and I don't quite understand the bargaining stage).

How do I let go of the past? --even though I cerebrally know I cannot change it, it colors my days and nights, and his betrayal has done this. I know I'm not alone here, so suggestions are greatly welcome.

He says he thought I was strong (and I am!) and didn't think I'd take it (the affair) this hard.

Happy Hank: Stupid. Simpleton. Emotional cretin.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 345 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, hugs to you and I feel your pain. I had surgery shortly after Dday, and know what you mean about the anger. Nothing like having the source of my anguish tending me back to health. I would go off by myself and lay face down and scream into pillows and try to tense my body up and hold it that way and then relax. I would repeat this and it seemed to help. That and the old get in the car and scream trick. like you, I have a hard time letting go of the past. My FWW had a LTA and what I do to, is not necessarily let go of the past, but accept that it happened and look at my marriage as one huge entity. One huge body of work. Look at the A in that frame of reference and show yourself that the A was a sliver of this entire body of work. That has helped me deal with things. If your H has changed, also realize that he is not the same person that was in the A. Hope this helps.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt rage and anger also. The stages were more like symptoms that cycled through but kept returning. I made lists of things I could do while suffering through each one and found what worked best for me. Two things that worked for me no matter what state I was in were to 1-Do something kind for myself. 2-Do something kind for someone else. Just small acts of kindness can make such a huge difference.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 292 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt rage and anger also. The stages were more like symptoms that cycled through but kept returning. I made lists of things I could do while suffering through each one and found what worked best for me. Two things that worked for me no matter what state I was in were to 1-Do something kind for myself. 2-Do something kind for someone else. Just small acts of kindness can make such a huge difference.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 292 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with the rage as well. I want to scream and pound my fist into something. I know I need to emotionally accept that the A happened but it's just so unbelievably horrible.

And it's difficult not the snap at WH ALL THE TIME. He keeps unintentionally giving me openings.

It's hard for me to look at my marriage as one large body of work when WH cheated for nearly half of it. I've started exercising again which I thought would help me since I used to take pride in my running, but physically I'm in bad shape due to my continuing lack of appetite.

JerseyCowgirl, I like your idea of doing something nice for someone else. I've noticed that one of the things that's helped me feel better is when I really go out of my way to help someone at work.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with the rage as well. I want to scream and pound my fist into something. I know I need to emotionally accept that the A happened but it's just so unbelievably horrible.
And it's difficult not the snap at WH ALL THE TIME. He keeps unintentionally giving me openings.

It's hard for me to look at my marriage as one large body of work when WH cheated for nearly half of it. I've started exercising again which I thought would help me since I used to take pride in my running, but physically I'm in bad shape due to my continuing lack of appetite.

JerseyCowgirl, I like your idea of doing something nice for someone else. I've noticed that one of the things that's helped me feel better is when I really go out of my way to help someone at work.

I don't really have advice to give, but I just want to say that this is exactly where I am right now. I feel an intense amount of rage and detachment and disconnect from WH to the point that I stay later at the office because I just don't want to be home or be around him. I don't like him too much at this point; I love him but I'm not in-love with him and sex is just that: sex.

I'm angry as hell, and like you, he cheated for most of our engagement and half of our marriage, so being sympathetic to him is incredibly hard; wanting to work on this marriage is incredibly hard. I want to run as far away from him, and everything, as I can possibly get.

I can sympathize and understand you; believe me.

I tried exercise, but then depression and self-loathing hits and I stop. I'm taking up journal writing as that has always helped me in the past, and I have IC, but there just seems to be some much of the rage that there's nowhere to discharge it.

Sorry if this is a t/j (?); didn't mean to; just wanted to let you know I understand.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dday was years and years ago but I remember the rage very well.

You have to find a physical outlet for it.

I used to break plates and beat the garbage can. I have heard of people taking a baseball bat to a tree or study fence. You mentioned exercise and your inability to do much because of a knee injury, but have you tried weightlifting? If you know anyone doing a home reno then you can volunteer to help with demolition.

The important thing is to find something, anything, that is not self destructive and also does not hurt anyone else. That helps release some of the adrenalin that the rage creates. Then you are able to concentrate on emotional healing.

HTH and ((((hugs)))) to all struggling with anger right now


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, for your posts and understanding and suggestions.

I'm not at the place where I can look at my marriage as one huge entity. I may never be, but I appreciate your words, Nailinmyforehead. I'm glad it works for you! WH has already tried to diminish his responsibility in the A (it was only about 252 hours!) and got ripped yet another new one, plus both our MC and IC explained it to him. Yeah, 252 hours PLUS the time spent calling, planning, figuring out an excuse, gassing up the truck, time on the road for a round trip, getting money out of the ATM, making sure his Rx for the boner pills was filled, going to pick up his boner pills, paying big buck$ for his boner pills, thinking about and anticipating having skanky sex with the cum-dumpster.

I feel an intense amount of rage and detachment and disconnect
Ohhhoboy, you betcha, ShockedErica11! I had a dream the other night where he said he thought he needed to go to the ER or AfterHours clinic, and I looked at him and said "You better figure out who's going to drive you." Yeah, that's how compassionate I am in real life too.

If I could hone this anger and rage into a beam, I could join up with Thor, Captain America, and other superheroes and use my power for good.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 345 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to all of you as it seems all of you are still with your WH's and I think that contribute to your anger; just seeing them everyday must be a reminder. I agree with others that you need a physical outlet for it so it will not build up in you--If you cannot exercise then clean-throw a all ball against a wall-beat up a tree or something. When finished write down what you are grateful for in your life to remind yourself that there are still some great things still there for you.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 292 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg, PLATE THROWING! Best.Therapy.Ever.

My rage comes in little spurts. Little random outbursts of anger. It happened once while washing dishes (he could have bought two dishwashers with money he spent on the hooker!) and the rage hit, i threw the bowl i was washing. The sound, the explosion on porcelain. So good!

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 4:54 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 10

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