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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Jealousy?
Roundfiled
♀ New Member
Member # 41339
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get through the thoughts of your spouse with another? It has been 7 months since I found out and stopped the A. It did not end on its own. He stopped all communication with her the moment I confronted him. He has done everything that he should do to help me heal and to rebuild our marriage.
Yet I still cannot break through the negative thoughts and jealousy, which is keeping any degree of R from happening.
We have been married for 25 years and I have never been with anyone else and he a couple girls in high school. He says this was about sex with someone else only, no emotional connection to her. But I am not sure that makes me feel any better..

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it actually makes me feel worse. like.. he'd risk our marriage... our family/ My health... just for "something different", as he put it.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice Roundfiled, unfortunately. Just (((hugs))). Wish there were simple answers to all of this. It seems they made the decision to cheat simple in their minds. But our minds get all the complicated stuff.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 210 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that I should tell my fWH when I was jealous. So I did that and told him how it made me feel etc.

We are at 10months from dday now and the jealous feelings are not as prevalent but they do creep in some.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that I should tell my fWH when I was jealous. So I did that and told him how it made me feel etc.

How does your husband respond when you share that with him? I read that too and every time I tell him he says "you shouldn't be jealous of her. She is nothing compared to you". This makes me mad and I try to explain that of course I should be jealous. He chose to betray my trust and risk our marriage for this woman. He chose her over me in my opinion. How could I not be jealous of her??


Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case the jealousy was about him being with someone else and things they did. I'm a possessive type. His response was to comfort me and tell me it meant nothing and how sorry he was about what he had done which made me feel this way.

I would explain to your husband how he could help you more if you have ideas for what you need from him.

For me I needed him to listen to me and validate my feelings. I think telling him when I feel jealous also helps build more empathy on his part.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent years being told, and even telling myself, that it was silly to be jealous of pornography. It wasn't.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
chasinglove
♀ New Member
Member # 41417
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roundfiled, I feel like i'm in exactly the same boat, I'm at the 7 month mark as well and found out myself rather than him telling me and he ended it once I confronted him and has been doing anything and everything now to keep the marriage together.

I think I asked for too many details and now I can't help but think of when they had sex "here" or "there" etc, it just pops in once in a while.

We have been married for 25 years and I have never been with anyone else and he a couple girls in high school.

I'm in the same boat, he's been with other woman, I've never been with another man, it makes me wonder what it's like even though everyone is always saying the grass is not greener on the other side.

Not sure how to help but know that you're not alone in thinking this way.


Me: 31
Him: 37
Together for 14 years.
DD: 04/30/2013
OW: colleague from previous job he'd been having an A with for 4 years, and a couple of others from school he slept with prior to that. He ended A in front of me at my request, trying R and MC.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this stuff gets better when your spouse starts doing the hard work of R. When they start to realize the pain and hurt they have caused, and yes you are right, you won't start to heal in your M until that happens, and R will be either non existent or unsuccessful.

You need to focus on you, and healing you. You could do nothing to change his choices, you are not responsible for his choices, and it hurts like hell, but until you can confidently say I know that I am a great woman, wife, lover, he is broken, you will feel jealous.
I remember the pain and upset and jealousy I felt that he chose to spend time with ow than with me, with his family, with his kids. Who does that? Why weren't we enough? I finally realized we were enough, it was him that wasn't, and that may me profoundly sad, because I knew it was completely out of my control to fix it. He had to do that himself. It took me being done, and showing him the door for him to realize this and start the hard work of healing and fixing himself.

I hope this makes some sense to you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 9

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