Everyone has their own timeline and criteria for decisions dealing with infidelity. I don't think there are any hard or fast rules. My H's actions over the past four years have become a way of life now, he puts us first, is considerate and never defensive, thinks about us as a team again, goes out of his way to share his thoughts and feelings with me and so much more.
For me, at three weeks out I was still in shock and so much pain, I couldn't trust how I felt. Of course I was dealing with five years of cheating and lies. It took me a long time to emerge from the pain and begin to understand what I needed from my H and how hard he was working to help fix what he had broken.
I think you'll know when the time is right.....
Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!
Get a keylogger SECRETLY and monitor for porn use for at least a year. If he is doing everything he should for that year, then maybe add the F. Three weeks is just too soon imo.
Don't get me wrong, if I thought my FWH was not trustworthy, I would have left right away. He lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks as he agonized between keeping it from me to save me pain, his own integrity and my right to know. The STD symptoms forced his hand. I felt like you in the beginning...I was in shock. I refused to view him through the lens of one night. 5 months in shock before I woke up to the pain and anger of what he did. Healing has been a MUCH longer ride than I thought in the beginning. He has been nothing but remorseful since his ONS....I just added the F last week....one year after his ONS.
I guess I'm saying, don't be hasty. It's really early for you. Sorry you are here.
[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 8:31 AM, November 25th (Monday)]
I was also in shock after DDay... And really numb... the only time I felt ANYTHING was during HB. And that was anger. (I am kicking myself for HB before the test results... but...) My anger came out Saturday night. First time I actually cried even. He knew I was numb... he knew the anger would come.
He also knows, that I am taking his abstinence from porn as just that. Pornography is a deal breaker, now. It is not allowed in my home. If he wants to watch porn, it will be when he lives somewhere else. MC and IC for him, is also a requirement for R. He installed the keylogger and a nanny extention that will email me his browser activity every day... as well as for his phone. He no longer has the office to himself... And we have a talk about it every night, at 8. Where I am asking the tough questions (and getting the even tougher answers... )
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:40 AM, November 25th (Monday)]
Please don't rush this process. You will go through several different phases this first year..grief,anger,rage,indifference,etc. If you try to rush through this, you are doing both of you a disservice. He needs to hear your feelings. he needs to see how his actions have affected you and the kids. he needs to know the full gravity of what he has done..and he needs to work hard to change whatever it was inside him that said it was ok to cheat on his wife..more than once.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
She has maintained NC since 10-7-13 and is working on getting help so call me stupid, but I put an f on it.
Much better than the red A I felt like I was wearing while I was hiding my A
D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM
Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012
I am still so fecking angry! and it's hard because he IS doing the right things.
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 11:52 AM, November 25th (Monday)]
Or actually, I take that back. I'd say it was 3 years after that, when we started MC and he finally understood what he had really done.
I also like the idea of making it depend on how often the BS thinks of it.
My H has also since lost his FW and is back to just being my H. Only you can decide when you are ready to bestow the honor of an F on him. My husband cried when I told him he earned his F.
This took over 60 hours of IC, many books, and countless tough conversations with me. He's still working, but he no longer has a wayward mindset.