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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When does a WS earn the F?
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Question  Posted: 4:54 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do they become a FWS when the fog lifts? I feel like i need to add the F. But it's been less than three weeks. The fog has been gone since before dday. (He told me on his own, the morning after his porn addiction escalated to a prostitute. Said that he "woke up" immediately upon finishing.)


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized in September, almost fours years out from Dday that my H had earned the F. He has certainly done what is needed since Dday, but for me, the former wasn't earned until I thought of him as someone who 'used to cheat and lie'. To be honest, that realization dawned on me over the past six months or so.

Everyone has their own timeline and criteria for decisions dealing with infidelity. I don't think there are any hard or fast rules. My H's actions over the past four years have become a way of life now, he puts us first, is considerate and never defensive, thinks about us as a team again, goes out of his way to share his thoughts and feelings with me and so much more.

For me, at three weeks out I was still in shock and so much pain, I couldn't trust how I felt. Of course I was dealing with five years of cheating and lies. It took me a long time to emerge from the pain and begin to understand what I needed from my H and how hard he was working to help fix what he had broken.

I think you'll know when the time is right.....


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Alex, there isn't really a set timeline for earning the F. Just like there isn't a set timeline to be intimate, heal, reconcile, etc. We all have individual stories. While some are similar, they are never exactly the same. I'm right at a month out. While WH is doing all the right things and seems committed to this marriage and reconciling, he hasn't earned the F yet. I think I'm scared he's in another fog, but with me this time. I'm scared that he will slip back into the person he was during (and in the months leading up to) the affair and I will be back to square one. If he is still an open book, committed to changing, still in counseling, etc. 6 months from now, I might consider giving him the F.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm soooo ready to say mine will earn the F. Sad part is, she is closer to earning the X


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be a downer....just want to be real. (((SF1973))) my FWH also had a ONS and confessed on his own (but three weeks later and after giving me chlamydia--wore a condom). If I were you, I would get checked for STD's-- 40% fail rate for condoms with chlamydia and gonorreah.

Get a keylogger SECRETLY and monitor for porn use for at least a year. If he is doing everything he should for that year, then maybe add the F. Three weeks is just too soon imo.

Don't get me wrong, if I thought my FWH was not trustworthy, I would have left right away. He lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks as he agonized between keeping it from me to save me pain, his own integrity and my right to know. The STD symptoms forced his hand. I felt like you in the beginning...I was in shock. I refused to view him through the lens of one night. 5 months in shock before I woke up to the pain and anger of what he did. Healing has been a MUCH longer ride than I thought in the beginning. He has been nothing but remorseful since his ONS....I just added the F last week....one year after his ONS.

I guess I'm saying, don't be hasty. It's really early for you. Sorry you are here.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 8:31 AM, November 25th (Monday)]


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah... we have an std. but he told me before we got tested. We got tested at my insistence, even though he used a condom, because condoms don't really protect men. It only bars their fluids, but the woman's is free to get where it gets.

I was also in shock after DDay... And really numb... the only time I felt ANYTHING was during HB. And that was anger. (I am kicking myself for HB before the test results... but...) My anger came out Saturday night. First time I actually cried even. He knew I was numb... he knew the anger would come.

He also knows, that I am taking his abstinence from porn as just that. Pornography is a deal breaker, now. It is not allowed in my home. If he wants to watch porn, it will be when he lives somewhere else. MC and IC for him, is also a requirement for R. He installed the keylogger and a nanny extention that will email me his browser activity every day... as well as for his phone. He no longer has the office to himself... And we have a talk about it every night, at 8. Where I am asking the tough questions (and getting the even tougher answers... )

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:40 AM, November 25th (Monday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh SF1973...I am so sorry about your STD. That violation of my safety still makes me mad. Oddly though, knowing how easy it is to get even with a condom, it is part of what makes me certain my FWH will never cheat again. Porn is also a deal breaker for me. I totally believe that the eroding of morality and sexual desensitization contributed directly in my FWH's ONS. Sounds like a big factor for yours as well. Sound like you both are on the right path.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not until it is earned. R is a long,painful,difficult process. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. At 3 weeks out, and 2 ddays under his belt, he has not earned his F. Not IMO,anyway. It's great that he told you. It's great that he is sorry and seems to be doing all he should be doing. But this is the very beginning. Can he continue to answer all of your questions? Will he TT? Has he been honest about everything? Will he go to IC and figure out his why? Will he ride the emotional roller coaster with you? is he dedicated and determined enough to earn his F? Time will tell. Time and his actions.

Please don't rush this process. You will go through several different phases this first year..grief,anger,rage,indifference,etc. If you try to rush through this, you are doing both of you a disservice. He needs to hear your feelings. he needs to see how his actions have affected you and the kids. he needs to know the full gravity of what he has done..and he needs to work hard to change whatever it was inside him that said it was ok to cheat on his wife..more than once.

((((steadfast)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7319 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I am foolish, but I changed my wife's status to fWW today. I really believe her that she is remorseful and will never do this again.

She has maintained NC since 10-7-13 and is working on getting help so call me stupid, but I put an f on it.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only the WS can tell when they earn the f. For now she is my W and she can place her f when she sees fit.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Nov 2010
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have to ask, it may be too soon. You will know when it is time to grant your WS the "F".


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
finallyfree2011
♀ Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel it is a daily job of earning the F - every day I dont think about xap earns me another day of proudly wearing that title

Much better than the red A I felt like I was wearing while I was hiding my A


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the only thing I am missing is her face. Her website pictures have her face blurred. Ever short bleach blonde girl with tattoos is a trigger... No trickle truth this time... I think that's why it took me a bit to process it, and actually feel it. I had all this shit just dropped at my feet... shit I sort of suspected, shit, I had no clue... and shit that was just plain too embarrassing to not be it. Plus, I verified...

I am still so fecking angry! and it's hard because he IS doing the right things.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 11:52 AM, November 25th (Monday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
spinning73
♀ New Member
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it "former" for waywards, yet alcoholics/addicts are lifelong "recovering"? I'm leaning towards rWH..so neither of us forget the potential for relapses...


me-BS 40
WH-40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
DD-4/14/13
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was 5 1/2 years after DD2, when he finally ended TT and told me all.

Or actually, I take that back. I'd say it was 3 years after that, when we started MC and he finally understood what he had really done.

I also like the idea of making it depend on how often the BS thinks of it.


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Aug 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He earns the F when you feel he earns the F. Each of us are different. For me, my H earned his F after I felt comfortable and didn't feel like I had to track him AND didn't feel like I needed to. It is a process.

My H has also since lost his FW and is back to just being my H. Only you can decide when you are ready to bestow the honor of an F on him. My husband cried when I told him he earned his F.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, he had to admit that he was deeply damaged. Then, he had to figure out what was broken inside him, how it got broken, and how to repair the damage. He had to develop healthy coping mechanisms and solid boundaries. He learned to become his own parent so he could finally grow up.

This took over 60 hours of IC, many books, and countless tough conversations with me. He's still working, but he no longer has a wayward mindset.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the idea of adding an R. rWH works well.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 18

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