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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Omg WS f***ed someone else!
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Shocked  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it ever possible to erase this from your mind??

Just struggling with this during any time - good times, bad times, indifferent??


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that there was. There are times when it isn't right there in my immediate thoughts. Other times I get so freaking mad just sitting here thinking about how many times he f***ed her.

It really sucks UKLady. I feel the same.

[This message edited by LiedtoLucy at 4:37 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
trying1
♀ Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've known for four months now. It still hits me like a ton of bricks. It sucks. Recently I've notice, it has gotten a little harder to deal with. I know that is not inspiring information, but the upside is that he has finally stopped running for the hills when I have a melt down. Now he at least stays in the conversation, tries to be patient (which works about 50% of the time). Hang in there.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this will help you but I think about how H f*cked quite a few somebody elses before he met me. One of them was even his ex-wife. Those women and all that sex don't affect me at all. I am indifferent, and I know it's better with me.

With a little mental effort, I can dump OW in with them. So, I practice doing that. For example, we're talking about medical school-hey, H had that girlfriend Gertrude. They had sex and I don't care. I'm going to get there when I think of OW, too, dammit. The actual sex part is going to fade from my memory and is a bad memory for him anyway, and someday it'll seem as far away as Gertrude.

But our sex life is here, now, and we ought to make the freshest possible memory tonight!

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 4:49 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mind has actually stopped going there. I'm not a fly on the wall any more. I rarely think about it. When I do, I feel a vague sadness, but I don't dwell on it. Heck, I don't even use it as an argument ender any more! However, when he was caught in porn lies to me over a year out from DDay, my mind immediately went back there, but the mind movies went away faster.

(((hugs))) Time can dull the edges, if your WH does the work necessary for R and if you can do the work necessary to un-stick yourself. It does take time though, that dirty little 4-letter word.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4550 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say it but time does take the edge off if they are doing the work. I still think about it every day that he had a ONS and an EA but I don't rage about it.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so shocking isn't it? Still sometimes even 3 1/2 years past d-day, it still can hit me like a ton of bricks. However, those times are so much fewer and more spread apart. Maybe I am a slow processor, or maybe I am average, not sure.

I don't feel it will ever be "erased" but I can envision a time when it doesn't shock me and even not hurt anymore.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to read this today. I am only 5 months out, and it is almost worse when I forget about it for a while (An hour? A couple hours?) and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Sometimes the pain is dull, sometimes sharp, and occasionally -- just occasionally - I get an indifferent feeling. Like, "that was then," feeling.

Sigh.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still waiting. No, not gone yet. It has even nearly 3 years and I still cannot believe it some days.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh... it's so frickin hard isn't it?

I knew I wouldn't be alone and really needed some SI hugs on this - so thank you all who responded and hugs back to all of you feeling like this too.

My H is doing everything, has done all he can and still keeps trying to help me/us heal - in this I am 'lucky'....

It was such a simple thing triggered this question last night - sitting on the sofa and H tells me about how he's hurt his thumb, giving me details and my instinct was to kiss it better (yeah, a bit silly and probably tmi ) BUT instead my mind suddenly went to how he had used his thumb (probably as it's part of his hand!) on OW and nope the intense sadness, sharp pain hit again. It didn't last but I just felt so bleuuurgh

And I forgive those of you using that dreaded 4 letter word beginning with 't' but I guess you will all be right.

Thank you for the support x


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to laugh at your example UKlady, as it shows how far our brains go to stretch to make something about the A. I mean that in the most loving sense, as we all do it.

For example, I went to a god-awful movie about talking turkeys with two, wiggly 9 year old boys yesterday. I almost could not handle the "flirting" between the male and female turkey. .. it put me in a funk! I texted my H and said "Who can think about infidelity in a movie about talking turkeys?" and then followed up with, "Well, actually, that is kind of funny." The turkey romance was pixilated, ridiculous and false and probably a far better approximation of love than my H's affair, which was categorically the opposite of love.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate to use that dreaded t word, but when I think about OW now, I think 'WS f*&*ed someone else' but don't think of that statement sexually. Instead I think of how he f&*^ed her, using her when it suit him and then treating her badly dumping her the minute his betrayal was out in the open at the thought he could lose me.

And OW just let him treat her like a paid piece whenever he visited her country during those years.

What a sad life when you're so hungry for male attention that you'll settle for some loose bits and pieces from someone else's life.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1632 | Registered: Mar 2010
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At almost 3 years from Dday, this occasionally can still buckle my knees. Fortunately it doesn't happen on an almost hourly basis anymore.

I find all of our coping mechanisms fascinating. I'm like AlexCR: I can see how damaged and pathetic both my WH and the AP were/are.

I try to appreciate how my WH is walking the walk daily (He is going with me for Thanksgiving with my family and that means not watching the Lions nonstop during the feast; in the past, I went alone). He is nothing like the H who committed such perfidy. I may be grasping at straws but it helps me put one foot in front of the other and trudge on.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Aug 2011
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine did too! WTF?!?

I'm drive myself nuts because I add a timeframe to it " I cannot believe he f***ed somebody 5 months ago!"

I'm hoping she will become a Gertrude, like sailorgirls post.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ILINIA!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh how I hate that word "time". Lol. I'm still so close to DDay so his is on my mind all of the time. I'm trying so hard to move forward. So far WH is doing everything right. Well,a few bumps, but he is learning like I am. But he wants to make it right and is making amazing changes. I'm just hoping they stick. I digress... We had an amazing day yesterday with our little family. We got into bed, tickled and joked around. Something we hadn't done in a long time. Suddenly it all flew back. Did he do this with her? Ugh. I managed to Stop sign it back, but it took a ton of effort which makes me feel detached from him. I get angry when that happens. That he did that to us.

I really hope it will fade sooner rather than later. Still looking for the magic tool to do that.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today when we were having sex I pictured her hair falling over him. I had to throw a big black wall in front of that. My ability as a visual "learner" can hurt but it also helps.

But as trying1 said, sometimes it hits like a ton of bricks. Other times my brain is too strong and I can pull a SailorGirl and lump her in with the women that came before me.

((uklady))
ps: your post scared me bc I thought he confessed to another infidelity.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2106 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SmallButStrong
♀ Member
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say these exact words to myself at least once a day. And I'm 14 months out.

It hits me when I see him walking away, and I look at his full body, imagining it naked with someone else. Or it hits me when I'm cleaning my son's room, where he f***ed her every time she came over. I think, OMG - my H gave another woman an orgasm in this room!! WTF?!? And I'm supposed to fight this mental demon as long as I live in this house!

My hardest days are the days where I'm doing just fine and that "OMG WS f***ed someone else!" pops into my head.

Sorry, but at least we are all in the same club.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a sad life when you're so hungry for male attention that you'll settle for some loose bits and pieces from someone else's life.

Whoa. So true!

Or, you get to be "queen bee" for a couple of whopping months and then get dropped the minute the man gets the slightest whiff his wife knows. (I didn't; I couldn't have imagined, really.)

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:08 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 3 1/2 years out I can also attest that it gets much better, but I can't say it has gone away entirely. Most of the time when I think about it now, it causes more of a dull ache than a sharp, searing pain the way it used to. Sometimes I do think how pathetic OW was to settle for my FWH's lies for so long (how could she wait around for him for years? I certainly would never have done that!)

But I do have to admit that every now and again it hits me hard and it tends to be when we are being intimate. He will say or do something and it will just pop into my head out of the blue "he said/did the same thing to her." The good news is that it doesn't cause me to burst into tears anymore. I have developed the ability not to let it ruin things, because she has ruined enough for me already. I push it away and move on. I just hope that stops someday.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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