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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I actually think I can forgive her....
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been having hmmm thoughts lately about the OW, my old friend.

I know I reached indifference. Her existance doesn't bother me, if she enters my mind it isn't upsetting.

I no longer have thoughts about what she did "to" me.

Just like the A from my husbands POV had nothing to do with me, she didn't set out to hurt me either.

She made choices, they both made shitty, rotten, selfish choices time and time again.

I actually wish her well. I don't want her to hurt or suffer. I know she is broken and still hasn't gotten help for her issues. Because we are in a small town I still see snip-its of her life here and there on FB. Mostly things her daughter posts that come across the newsfeed. It all looks sad.

I wish I could go to her and tell her she could be ok too. That I know a lot of her pain and where it comes from. I know even though she never had the courage to come to me that she carries regret. It is written all over her life.

And it makes me sad, sad for the times we shared and laughed. Times our kids played together and ran freely through each others lives.

I know she has to be ready and willing to face her truths and her life. My wants for her don't matter. But I will pray she finds her way to healing.

And if she ever comes to me ready to heal I will offer my forgiveness and give her my blessings.Her life is worth saving as much as mine was.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a caring and forgiving person. God bless you.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too think about Ow in that way SOMETIMES...but then I think that she knew what she was doing and made her choices...She picked him over me and my family and now deserves to suffer the consequences...Sad because I would have been there and helped or gave as much as I could have to her for the rest of her life....but she chose love from H instead of her own family...

Sorry...just not there yet :(


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I just found myself here...been many years.

I thought indifference was the best I could ever do.

I don't think forgiving into the thin air does anything for me...I think she needs to want it.

I dunno, just been rolling around in my brain lately.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is healing to read that this can happen. At 5 months out, I have moments of indifference. . Still quite a ways to go.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1944 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't be forgiving
Indifference is as good as it gets and I'm a long way from that. I'd settle right now for not thinking about her for 30 minutes but different situations etc
Well done on where you are
X


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
I don't think forgiving into the thin air does anything for me

..most folks here claim that forgiveness is more about allowing yourself to move past it.

..it's supposed to bring you the peace of mind rather than carrying around the hurt, the anger, the lack of closure.

..sounds like you might be better off really letting her know that she is forgiven.. a note or a short phone call. That might take away the 'thin air' aspect of your coming to terms with it.

..

I think she needs to want it.

..do you know one way or the other? chances are that she would never ask or come to you for it.

I know the bfOM in my case would never have come to me for it. Just way too arrogant.. and gutless ( if you knew him, you'd know what I mean)

Do you think you have a role to play in 'saving' her life? I think that your 'praying for her healing' is a great step, but that too is into thin air in one respect. ( I know that God lives in that same thin air!)

..whether you forgive her or not, I expect she will always regret what she did. Forgiveness won't and shouldn't take that away.

..I suppose that the fact you are spending time with this..rolling it around in your head, brings on better feelings about it for you. That should cound for something eh???

..I feel for his wife and his fatherless boys, but for him?? only contempt and rage.. he knew exactly what he was doing and he doesn't deserve my forgiveness for that.. not ever.. sorry, but that's how I still feel.

..ask me in another 10 years..??? who knows?

..even I might come around to your way of thinking about the OP.. but don't hold your breath!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a bigger person than me. I have mostly gotten past wishing death on her (mostly) but I don't know if I can forgive her. In your case the OW may not have meant to hurt you personally, but in mine I can't get past the feeling that she was deliberately trying to hurt me. She knew what she was doing and what it would do to me, she made the decision to go ahead with it anyway, and when it was finally ended she started sending nasty things to my husband because she knew I would see them. She blamed me and said all kinds of horrible things about me as a wife. Further than that, while the affair was still going on she spent much of that time manipulating me into feeling bad for her because she was sad and lonely. She is a remorseless and awful person who deserves to suffer. If she ever showed up wanting to apologize I might consider it, but I can't even begin to consider it until she seeks forgiveness. I am glad to hear that you are able to do it though, I wish I was.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm SMY Thanks

Do you think you have a role to play in 'saving' her life? I think that your 'praying for her healing' is a great step, but that too is into thin air in one respect. ( I know that God lives in that same thin air!)

Nope, I know I have no control over her, her life and her healing. I don't even know if praying "for" someone actually works...lol

So then I don't know if I get it. I hear people say forgiveness is for me, releasing the pain and anger etc etc...BUT I had that with the indifference, didn't I? She doesn't bother me or live negatively in my head anymore. So what does forgiving do for me? And really do I even care? Am I just splitting hairs?

I don't know that she wants to be forgiven. I never thought I would be able to give it...but if she ever contacted me going forward I would let her know how I feel. I used to dream of telling her to eff off and much worse lol.

But I don't feel bad anymore...maybe I should just be content with that.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had similar feelings towards OW (who wasn't anyone I knew at the time) just after Dday -
Maybe 6 weeks out. It comes and goes now, depending on my mood. I met her a few times and texted her for months. Mostly trying to get Info on the lies WH was spewing. Yes she actually was honest, rare I know. I got to know her during that time frame. She is a sad, lonely, broken person - much like my WH is. Sadly, I have been her as well. At one point I was the broken WW willing to think the crumbs I got from MOM were all I deserved. Anyways -maybe I am biased but I think this attitude is heathy.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our case, my W would never have cheated without ow's manipulation. ow is immensely effed up emotionally and probably experience awful childhood physical/sexual and emotional abuse, so I've wished her well, but if she approached either of us, NC would be the way to go - 'Please do not approach me again. If you do, I'll seek recourse in the legal system.'

(W still would have had her issues, but they'd probably still mainly be suppressed/managed by endless IC.)

But, hey, kh! I've always thought you were more highly evolved than I am. Your post is just more evidence of that....

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:00 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10057 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karmahappens, it is posts like these that I feel even more grateful that you saw something in me and reached out.

You are an inspiration.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours this weekend.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2281 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sisoon and LA.

Sisoon, you know how I feel about you and your advice. You just rock.

LA, it is neat to watch someone take R and run with it. I like to watch you go through the different stages and smile at each victory you and Mr. LA enjoy.

Don't be inspired by me, I didn't plan to get to forgiveness. Heck I even recently said in a few posts I would probably never forgive because she didn't want it.

But the more I said that, the less I believed it. I finally had to look at what it was...and there it is, sitting in my lap. Forgiveness, huh who woulda thought?

Contacting her isn't an option I don't think,but in the future...I don't know, so I will just keep it in my pocket for right now...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is hard in the double betrayal situations --- I feel so preyed upon, like our friendship was exploited to hit my H at a very weak time. A time that she knew we were both very vulnerable. Who could do that?
I imagine a very broken and self-involved person.

I still can't get over how she knew full well how much I loved my H, and how he felt about me (that he had no intention of leaving me). She signed on knowing that she was basically second-best. . . filling a specific void (even if deep in the fog, he made her feel like he was choosing her.) So I can have compassion for that. How terrible. I do often think, even though I hate this with all of my being, that I would far rather be me than her.

So, I feel like I am moving in the direction of indifference and something maybe perhaps resembling forgiveness. . I have fleeting moments of compassion. I'll look forward to finding forgiveness in my lap, as well. But, right now, it makes me feel too afraid because I was so trusting, vulnerable and blind, then.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:45 AM, November 25th (Monday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1944 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionic gal


I do often think, even though I hate this with all of my being, that I would far rather be me than her.

- thanks for that

That is exactly how I feel, in between loathing and revenge fantasies that take up way too much of my mental energy. I need to rehearse that line


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
finallyfree2011
♀ Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a strong woman - I only hope my xap bw can some day forgive me as well.


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't mean much finallyfree, but I used to be pretty angry with all WS's.

Through our healing and R I really believe we are all broken in various ways. If we can't see through the broken-ness and grab onto the good when someone is trying, what's the point?

I hope you get your forgiveness too.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:07 PM, November 25th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am super impressed by everyone.
Right now? No way, no how, never.
Who knows? Maybe someday ill take the high road.
But right now? I don't see it.
It is good to hear others letting go of the hate and the pain though. I don't like holding on to it- but I just can't wrap my head around what a horrible person she must be to do this to anyone.
I know I will move on- but for now- I will clap for my friends that have.
You are good people. :)


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Humm,
I admire you for offering forgiveness for the OW. Your d-day was two years before mine. Perhaps in two years I will feel like you do however as someone else said, double betrayal is a tough one to forgive.
Thanks for your post and have a blessed Thanksgiving!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1435 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. You are truly amazing.

OW is out of my head, but I can't imagine ever wishing her well.

You are a very big person.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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