Don't know what is best for your situation, but just trust your judgement and instincts.
Later, I think my tagline's for you too.
Thanks, I did some research. It seems everything I read encouraged the parents not to get into details with the kids. It's tough.
I'll post again when the turmoil dies down a bit.
Divorcing her sorry a--.
If I told you stories from the island you wouldn't believe me.
Don't let that stop you - just sayin...
We're all ears here...
7 years. Did your kids know why you filed? Mine do not and they are really confused and angry.
We have 50/50 custody and they still on occasion ask me to come over to Mom's for dinner or make statements about getting back together. It sucks but I gently squash those sentiments because I don't want them having false hope. When they are older if they ask for specifics I will tell them exactly what their mother did. I don't think I will need it but I kept some proof in case I needed it.
Telling your kids in an age appropriate manner is important. Secrets destroy. Think about how not knowing messed with our heads and now think about a child not knowing with the imagination they have. They can go way out into left field with no ability to pull it back in without guidance. Most of the negative thoughts they have usually involve them doing something wrong even when it's not true.
So sorry man. You seem to be handling it well. She was still trying to minimize and knew that this would probably end the M.
Start the process, you can always stop it later. Chances are she won't play fair in the D, so be careful.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Think about how not knowing messed with our heads and now think about a child not knowing with the imagination they have. They can go way out into left field with no ability to pull it back in without guidance. Most of the negative thoughts they have usually involve them doing something wrong even when it's not true.
I lived this as a child.
You can speak in age-appropriate generalities, smothered with heaping doses of love and assurance - call in your "troops" for support. They will need stability and security. It will take time for the shock to wear off, just like for us, & time for them to adjust to their new normal, again, just like for us.
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
I'm having a Firestone Velvet Merlin oatmeal stout. Smooth.
If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.
It sucks that you have to be here, but I am glad that you found us.
First of all, you are not alone. I know it feels like it right now, but after some time you will see that many of us have gone through almost identical struggles. With you it was discovering texts, with me it was emails, and then the whole avalanche started from there.
Now is the time to take care of yourself, and make sure you are staying hydrated, eating when you can, and taking some time for yourself. This is a traumatizing experience.
As far as R is concerned, my advice would be to not even think about committing to that so soon. Take some time to decide. Your wife has already had time to process some of the possible outcomes of getting caught. This is all brand new, and a shock to you.
If you think that R might be on the table, then the demands I would recommend up front would be total transparency (full access to phone, email, social media accounts, etc.), and full disclosure on everything that happened. I've seen it so many times where wayward spouses withhold information (trickle truth, or TT, as it is abbreviated here), either to attempt to not hurt their BS, or most likely cover their own ass, and that can be an absolute marriage killer.
If you haven't already done so, The Healing Library in the upper left is a great place to start reading. It can get kind of slow around here on the weekends, but there will be other guys on this thread to offer you the best advice and support that you can find anywhere.
I don't know maybe 3 times
Right now you are in deep trauma. Finding out the woman you loved abandoned you and gave herself willingly to another man is brutal. Capital B Brutal. It emasculates you in a primordial way. No undoing that.
I would like to say welcome, but no one wants to be here. Just want you to know that you have found the best collective wisdom of hurting men on this planet. Or any other planet. Take time and read the healing library (link in the yellow box on the upper left of your screen).
I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.
Even if I could move on emotionally I could never touch her physically again.
Be prepared for that to change. There is a phenomenon referred to as "hysterical bonding." It's extremely common for those going through this to have some seemingly inexplicable drive to have sex with the WS.
Therefore, even if you don't feel there is a need now, among your list of demands should be that she have a full panel of STD tests.
I know this is still so fresh to me but what concerns me more than anything right now is my LACK of emotions to the A. Although I did not know my ww was having an A I did notice a change in our marriage immediately when the A started. I tried reaching out, taking on more around the house even planning a trip for just the two of us ( we have never travelled and my ww always wanted to) but she declined. I even ask if she wanted MC. Her response was " do you want to go to IC" Now its all clear she was in an A so I had no chance no matter what I tried it was doomed before I even approached her.
After all of this could it be that I unconsciously was truly tired and exhausted of trying to save our marriage that I was done? That the A was the push out the door that I was looking for? Or is this normal to feel this way?
When I found out I simply ask " did you sleep with the OM?" My WW said yes, I turn around and just walk out. I return hours later to my WW asking if I wanted to talk about it, my response was " NO thank you, im good". It took me days to cry about it. it took a letter she had written me, most of it telling me how I had failed her. She has said sorry but I truly do not see any remorse in her. She has not taken the any steps to saving this marriage. I believe she is waiting on me. she tells me she loves me but is not IN love with me anymore. I HATE the mental movies I play, Talk about ANGER like i haven't had in years.
Im still at home, shes sleeping on the couch, her choice nothing was talk about she just did it.We have talk about the 18month A couple times but mostly I ignore her, I cant even look her in the eyes without disgust. I used to cherish her and was SOOO attracted to her. It used to be her simple bending over was enough for me to get excited, now I look and think you weak woman how could you allow another man to degrade you/us our family like that. I have told it angers me how she can laugh /sleep and joke around with friends and family infront me like nothing has happened because I cant. her response was " We both cant be moping around"
She claims NC, telling me it was difficult to cut OM off but what worries me is IF we D. The other man lives in the United States, we live in Canada. I NEED my boys in my life. I don't think she would take them from me but then again I never believed she could ever be capable of an affair either.
Thanks Again in advance for listening.
And I can relate to your getting upset at her laughing and carrying own like nothing has happened. It used to piss me off that she could sleep through the night while I was tossing and turning.
It sounds like your wife has a long way to go before she is remorseful.
I'm sorry for you and the kids!
A couple of suggestions to think about, if I may:
- talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself, your boys, your assets
- after talking to a lawyer, set up family counselling for the children, it will help them immensely and hopefully look good in potential custody disputes. Children are greatly influenced and perceptive of such tensions between parents.
- consider counselling (paid/pro bono) and/or support groups for yourself
- carry a VAR at all times and take other precautions to defend yourself against bogus abuse etc. accusations,
- document everything (your care for boys, her care, detrimental conduct,... to boys,) for custody purposes. It could get ugly and your kids need you as much as possible in their lives
- don't drink/get drunk
- as hard as it is for you, from hereonin, you'll have to be the hero for your buys and take extra super care for them, especially to make up for her detrimental conduct, role-modelling,...
- reach out to your close ones for support
- make safe copies of evidence pointing to her affair
- think about (after talking to your lawyer) asking her to go to marital counselling, church counselling etc. with you, upon certain conditions (verifiable no-contact with OM etc.). Notify her in writing of that (remember - document! so you can prove in court if you get divorced). If she isn't willing to discuss it, set up one or two meeting with a counsellor for both of you and notify her when&where. If she doesn't show up, express disappointment (in writing/email). Again, it might help you save your marriage, and at the very least will perhaps help you in divorce/custody proceedings.
- make sure you don't let her in on what you're doing to protect yourself
- after having sufficient precautions in place and after talking to your lawyer, expose her affair
I'm sure others, more experienced will give more and better advice.
Don't trust her to play fair and don't expect her to do what's best for the kids. Since she had/has an affair, she clearly isn't thinking in the kids' best interest.
Best wishes to you&your family!