Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: brokenhearted730 (43224)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD-

Don't know what is best for your situation, but just trust your judgement and instincts.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later, I think my tagline's for you too.

Thanks, I did some research. It seems everything I read encouraged the parents not to get into details with the kids. It's tough.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening fellas, happy new year. If I told you stories from the island you wouldn't believe me. Quick hits: school of dolphins (including babies) feeding 15 feet off shore. 20 foot bonfire. Tossed old mortgage docs and wedding pics in it. Lost my phone three times. Ate the worm (my first!). Make your plans for next year. Fly into Melbourne, FL and I'll pick you up. Pics to follow when I get back


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys for all your support. It's good to know I have some friends here who know what I'm going through.

I'll post again when the turmoil dies down a bit.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I told you stories from the island you wouldn't believe me.

Don't let that stop you - just sayin...

We're all ears here...


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 years. Did your kids know why you filed? Mine do not and they are really confused and angry.
Yes, my kids were 7 and 5 at the time and we sat them down and talked to them. Well I did most of the talking, stbxw sat there like a bump on a log. I explained to them that they did nothing wrong and we loved them very much and always would. I then told them that mommy had done some things to Daddy and because of that we could no longer live together as a family. My son asked if we were getting a divorce and I said yes. I then asked if he knew what a divorce was and he said no. So I explained that we would no longer be married but still would be their Mom and Dad. The majority of the questions were aimed at what was going to happen to them like where would they live, what happens to there rooms, what happens to the dog, etc. I told them if they ever had any questions or wanted to talk about it I would.

We have 50/50 custody and they still on occasion ask me to come over to Mom's for dinner or make statements about getting back together. It sucks but I gently squash those sentiments because I don't want them having false hope. When they are older if they ask for specifics I will tell them exactly what their mother did. I don't think I will need it but I kept some proof in case I needed it.

Telling your kids in an age appropriate manner is important. Secrets destroy. Think about how not knowing messed with our heads and now think about a child not knowing with the imagination they have. They can go way out into left field with no ability to pull it back in without guidance. Most of the negative thoughts they have usually involve them doing something wrong even when it's not true.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Defeated Dad

So sorry man. You seem to be handling it well. She was still trying to minimize and knew that this would probably end the M.

Start the process, you can always stop it later. Chances are she won't play fair in the D, so be careful.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later, what 7 said is sooo true:
Think about how not knowing messed with our heads and now think about a child not knowing with the imagination they have. They can go way out into left field with no ability to pull it back in without guidance. Most of the negative thoughts they have usually involve them doing something wrong even when it's not true.

I lived this as a child.
You can speak in age-appropriate generalities, smothered with heaping doses of love and assurance - call in your "troops" for support. They will need stability and security. It will take time for the shock to wear off, just like for us, & time for them to adjust to their new normal, again, just like for us.

Strength brothers!


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD, check your p/m.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey it's Friday, another week survived....cheers!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks good, DR!

I'm having a Firestone Velvet Merlin oatmeal stout. Smooth.

Cheers, dudes.


Posts: 4570 | Registered: Dec 2010
neverwillhapn2me
♂ Member
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting, I have been lurking for a few days now. Dec,23,2013 was D day for me. I had suspected something for some time but did not snoop. Honestly I did not want to find out anything, wanted to pretend nothing was going on. a text came through on my WW phone and what I saw disgusted me, Another man asking her " so what are you up to baby?" I scrolled up to see pics of my children sent to this man and him talking about performing oral on her. I didn't look too much because honestly my first reaction was I didn't want her to catch me. Funny and pathetic at the same time. So I put my son to bed and confronted my WW. She denied everything until I told her I had read her text conversations with the OM. My WW then admitted to it. If I can believe her its been an OEA for a year and a half and a PA only happen 3 times. I live in Canada and my ww best friend lives in New Jersey. My WW told me she needed to get away. So I took the last of my vacation to stay home with our 2 boys 5year old and 4 months at the time for her to go spend the a few days with her BF but in reality it was with the OM. There is so much more to add but I guess I can take my time. my first reaction was " great" because I have been soo miserable for soo long too that now we can work everything out. But now I truly don't think I want to. I don't know if im still shocked but I just want out, I never thought she was capable of this. she was my rock my constant if anything I could depend on anything in my life it was her.im trying to gather my thoughts before I make a permanent decision but truly I just want out. Even if I could move on emotionally I could never touch her physically again. After reading on here and gaining some insight on how to deal with this I tried to speak with my WW and ask specifics like " how many times did you sleep with him?" she shrugs her shoulders and replies I don't know maybe 3 times and then she says why do you even what to talk about this? I haven't told anyone out of embarrassment and shame, as well in case I R with her, her reputation won't be tainted. I don't know what im truly looking for out here, maybe its just to finally talk to someone about this. I have felt soo alone since this occurred. Sorry for the ramble im shaking here but if you have read this far thanks for taking the time.


The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies


If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome, neverwill!

It sucks that you have to be here, but I am glad that you found us.

First of all, you are not alone. I know it feels like it right now, but after some time you will see that many of us have gone through almost identical struggles. With you it was discovering texts, with me it was emails, and then the whole avalanche started from there.

Now is the time to take care of yourself, and make sure you are staying hydrated, eating when you can, and taking some time for yourself. This is a traumatizing experience.

As far as R is concerned, my advice would be to not even think about committing to that so soon. Take some time to decide. Your wife has already had time to process some of the possible outcomes of getting caught. This is all brand new, and a shock to you.

If you think that R might be on the table, then the demands I would recommend up front would be total transparency (full access to phone, email, social media accounts, etc.), and full disclosure on everything that happened. I've seen it so many times where wayward spouses withhold information (trickle truth, or TT, as it is abbreviated here), either to attempt to not hurt their BS, or most likely cover their own ass, and that can be an absolute marriage killer.

If you haven't already done so, The Healing Library in the upper left is a great place to start reading. It can get kind of slow around here on the weekends, but there will be other guys on this thread to offer you the best advice and support that you can find anywhere.

Welcome.


Posts: 4570 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never,
I don't know maybe 3 times

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest she does know how many times. If she said 30 or 40, yeah, that's a good range. But maybe three? That's weak as shit. Humans are great at remembering things in threes and fours - that's why our phone numbers are hyphenated.

Right now you are in deep trauma. Finding out the woman you loved abandoned you and gave herself willingly to another man is brutal. Capital B Brutal. It emasculates you in a primordial way. No undoing that.

I would like to say welcome, but no one wants to be here. Just want you to know that you have found the best collective wisdom of hurting men on this planet. Or any other planet. Take time and read the healing library (link in the yellow box on the upper left of your screen).

I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Never! Reading will help-you came to the right place! I lurk and read here daily but don't post much. Once the more "seasoned" crew chimes in-they will offer so much help!! Sorry you are here with us-unfortunately we all understand what you are going through! And you will be okay! Lots of support here!

Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never:

Even if I could move on emotionally I could never touch her physically again.

Be prepared for that to change. There is a phenomenon referred to as "hysterical bonding." It's extremely common for those going through this to have some seemingly inexplicable drive to have sex with the WS.

Therefore, even if you don't feel there is a need now, among your list of demands should be that she have a full panel of STD tests.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
neverwillhapn2me
♂ Member
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to you all for the warm welcome and support,It is definitely needed.

I know this is still so fresh to me but what concerns me more than anything right now is my LACK of emotions to the A. Although I did not know my ww was having an A I did notice a change in our marriage immediately when the A started. I tried reaching out, taking on more around the house even planning a trip for just the two of us ( we have never travelled and my ww always wanted to) but she declined. I even ask if she wanted MC. Her response was " do you want to go to IC" Now its all clear she was in an A so I had no chance no matter what I tried it was doomed before I even approached her.

After all of this could it be that I unconsciously was truly tired and exhausted of trying to save our marriage that I was done? That the A was the push out the door that I was looking for? Or is this normal to feel this way?

When I found out I simply ask " did you sleep with the OM?" My WW said yes, I turn around and just walk out. I return hours later to my WW asking if I wanted to talk about it, my response was " NO thank you, im good". It took me days to cry about it. it took a letter she had written me, most of it telling me how I had failed her. She has said sorry but I truly do not see any remorse in her. She has not taken the any steps to saving this marriage. I believe she is waiting on me. she tells me she loves me but is not IN love with me anymore. I HATE the mental movies I play, Talk about ANGER like i haven't had in years.

Im still at home, shes sleeping on the couch, her choice nothing was talk about she just did it.We have talk about the 18month A couple times but mostly I ignore her, I cant even look her in the eyes without disgust. I used to cherish her and was SOOO attracted to her. It used to be her simple bending over was enough for me to get excited, now I look and think you weak woman how could you allow another man to degrade you/us our family like that. I have told it angers me how she can laugh /sleep and joke around with friends and family infront me like nothing has happened because I cant. her response was " We both cant be moping around"


She claims NC, telling me it was difficult to cut OM off but what worries me is IF we D. The other man lives in the United States, we live in Canada. I NEED my boys in my life. I don't think she would take them from me but then again I never believed she could ever be capable of an affair either.

Thanks Again in advance for listening.


The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies


If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never, my experience was similar. I was pissed at her, but I was not crying over her. What I have cried over many times is the destruction of our family.

And I can relate to your getting upset at her laughing and carrying own like nothing has happened. It used to piss me off that she could sleep through the night while I was tossing and turning.

It sounds like your wife has a long way to go before she is remorseful.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
HobbesTheTiger
♂ New Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Never!

I'm sorry for you and the kids!

A couple of suggestions to think about, if I may:
- talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself, your boys, your assets
- after talking to a lawyer, set up family counselling for the children, it will help them immensely and hopefully look good in potential custody disputes. Children are greatly influenced and perceptive of such tensions between parents.
- consider counselling (paid/pro bono) and/or support groups for yourself
- carry a VAR at all times and take other precautions to defend yourself against bogus abuse etc. accusations,
- document everything (your care for boys, her care, detrimental conduct,... to boys,) for custody purposes. It could get ugly and your kids need you as much as possible in their lives
- don't drink/get drunk
- as hard as it is for you, from hereonin, you'll have to be the hero for your buys and take extra super care for them, especially to make up for her detrimental conduct, role-modelling,...
- reach out to your close ones for support
- make safe copies of evidence pointing to her affair
- think about (after talking to your lawyer) asking her to go to marital counselling, church counselling etc. with you, upon certain conditions (verifiable no-contact with OM etc.). Notify her in writing of that (remember - document! so you can prove in court if you get divorced). If she isn't willing to discuss it, set up one or two meeting with a counsellor for both of you and notify her when&where. If she doesn't show up, express disappointment (in writing/email). Again, it might help you save your marriage, and at the very least will perhaps help you in divorce/custody proceedings.
- make sure you don't let her in on what you're doing to protect yourself
- after having sufficient precautions in place and after talking to your lawyer, expose her affair

I'm sure others, more experienced will give more and better advice.

Don't trust her to play fair and don't expect her to do what's best for the kids. Since she had/has an affair, she clearly isn't thinking in the kids' best interest.

Best wishes to you&your family!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 42 | Registered: Nov 2013
HobbesTheTiger
♂ New Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And look up if there are pro bono lawyers to help out dads, like in United States.


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 42 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.