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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got a new policy. I just out every poser I run into.

Lol. You too?

I love it.

"Surprise asshole, I'm not the sympathetic buddy you thought I was! Enjoy living with your shitty choices...hope someone beats you to death with a sack of oranges!!!"


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her intentions were easily traced.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvaQVJbjIdk

true story
I helped tune this one's guitar John Fahey in a Lexington bar and later Adrian Legg in Dallas, they both bowed to him. Leo.

Good new year to ALL of you !


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to tell wish you gentlemen the happiest of new years. Truly. I was so happy that 2013 was over that I wept tears. Worst year of my 30 years on this earth. I know on som level that today is no idfferent than yesterday or the day before, but we are human, and milesontes mean sometting, you know?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy 2014 Gentlemen. Welcome to the year of the Menz!

Any resolutions out there?

Mine? Less caring about what everyone else wants or thinks, more caring about what I want. I want to make me a better me. Make more friends, drink more wine, make more memories.

Wishing everyone the best.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any resolutions out there?

I'm digging the outing any POSER I meet meme. I'm going to take that one up. I've seen infidelity wreck so much in my life. Hell, the house we are living in was available because the wife cheated - he was a LEO and divorced her ass. Apparently our house is known as the cheater house, because every couple that has lived here has been affected by betrayal. Unfortunately we didn't break that streak.

Here's to 2014. It's got to be better, right?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally emailed the BOS about my wife and her husband. I had to do it, it was the right thing to do, but I hate bringing hurt to another person.

I wish her husband had confessed during the time between finding out on 4 Oct. about my wife's affair and yesterday, but he didn't. Not a very nice New Years Eve resent but I swore I was going to send my prepared email the moment I obtained her email address. It just happened yesterday.

She is justifiable upset and I pointed her to SI. I hope this place helps her.

[This message edited by bobf at 2:59 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a good man, Bob. Doing the right thing sometimes hurts like hell.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing, Bob. There is no good time to tell the AP's BS, but the best you can do is tell them at the earliest opportunity, which you did. In my case, OM's ex wife and daughter knew about the A at least nine months before I found out. As far as I know, they had no plans to tell me, either. I wish they had been as considerate as you. Props to you, man.

Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and Happy New Year, fellers!!

Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I hate bringing hurt to another person.

You didn't bring the pain, bob. You're just the bearer of bad news. Good move, I wish someone had told me early on and deprived the OM of an extra 9 months banging my wife, but no one did.

I'm digging the outing any POSER I meet meme. I'm going to take that one up.

Same here! If I can deprive an AP just one day of sex and lies with someone else's spouse, I'll gladly take the opportunity.

Happy 2014 gents!


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

defeateddad - if it's true, i would suggest that you to take a breath before you make a decision. I realize we all have our limits with the betrayal we can take. But as a fellow traveler in this shitty road, I would ask you to take a breath and pause. From what I've read, your wife is no longer cheating, she feels horrible, and is trying to do what she can. If she didn't tell you something that you may want to divorce over, it may be that she knew you would divorce her over that. She may be afraid. Yes, it's wayward thinking. All we really want is the truth. But realize, she's a wayward. She hasn't learned to think the way you would want her to. yet

Just a thought. Don't throw anything away too hastily. Forgiveness takes strength. Strong people forgive.

But I certainly wouldn't think worse of you if you've had enough. Good luck friend.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^what Mike7 said....


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy new year, homies!!!
I know I've been quiet for awhile , but I been here, reading, learning, pondering, hoping for the best for each of you.
So many new names here, it's getting hard to keep up.
Some friends are giving it another night, awhile other friends are calling just that. We all have our own path and i feel cconfident that we will all have done what was best for ourselves(and kids if you got em) in the end.
That type of outcome rarely looks that way while you're in the stink, but when you find yourself, when you finally reach a point where you can take a breath and soak in a fresh perspective, you look back and hopefully all those fragments will make some sort of sense.
Then you take another breath and get to work on phase two, on the next big thing...or take a vacationand get some g*d d*mm peace and quiet!

You guys ALL kick ass, especially some of you(no names, YKWYA)thank you for being here when I needed you.

I sincerely hope 2014 smiles on each of us.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to do it, it was the right thing to do, but I hate bringing hurt to another person.
Agreed it was the right thing to do Bobf. In my case the BW of the POSER coworker knew about the A an entire YEAR before I found out. She basically spent time harassing my STBXWW at work and essentially trying to break them up. In the meantime, i'm in the house getting gaslit to hell and back getting stories from STBXWW about the crazy woman that keeps coming to her job.


Any resolutions out there?
2014 is the year of traveling for me. So many trips to plan. Secondary resolution is to actually remember the fellas trip to Vegas that will be taking place right around the time my D will be final!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
Montreal
♂ New Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year Menz! New leaf, turn the page, etcetera, etcetera.

So here is where I'm at, and I feel a little blocked and was hoping the collective wisdom of the testosterone-infused can help me out. Not expecting miracles, this is a tough (and common) one, but still...

WW and I are in MC and its... going. Better than the last bozo we were seeing but our second meeting with her did not go well, to the point where I felt like I had been set back a good three months. I was on the verge of quitting, but decided to give the MC one more shot to explain WTF the last session was about. Can't say I'm super-happy with her explanation, but she pulled me out of the divorce court I guess. Wife is trying in her own way, but the problem I have with that is its HER own way. Not really what I need, but she thinks she's trying, which is an obstacle in itself. Still, she's trying, so I can't really kick her to the curb for that. Yet. A few menz here have mentioned that it took their wives months, sometimes over a year to really "get it" so I guess I'll hold on for a little while longer. One example; WW received an email from OM1 a couple of months ago, and while she didn't reply to it (she says) she also didn't show it to me, and I didn't know about it until on a whim I asked her about him. And she told me that he had emailed her, but that since things were going well for us at the time she didn't want to rock the boat and mess things up. Sigh. So I patiently explained transparency, how-to-rebuild trust, etcetera.

Unfortunately OM3 emailed a generic "Merry Christmas" on the 25th, which she also didn't show me, or tell me about. Didn't want to ruin Christmas. Again, I hunched-it-out and asked her about a couple of days later, to which she confessed. Sigh again. I brought it up in our MC session and thankfully MC took my side and told WW that her way of dealing with things "just wasn't going to work." Don't know if WW will take that advice to heart, as she always did consider herself to be the smartest person in the room. We'll see. On a personal note I am quite comfortable (now) with the idea of divorcing, so that won't be a hurdle, though I of course would feel horrible for my kids. I don't want to divorce just yet, but I know in my heart I can do it tomorrow if I have to.

Anywhoo, I'm rambling. My REAL question for the boys-with-the-boys is "How do I get over feeling like a doormat?" I mean, read my profile. Some guy comes up to me on July 5th and tells me this is what his wife is doing and I'm like, "grow a pair man, get the 'eff' out of there." And yet, here I am, trying to make it work. How do I do that without completely tearing up my man card? I really feel like my self-esteem is going to be a major obstacle to reconciling. Is there a way around that?


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say this with concern Montreal, but I don't know. Your wife was really pretty disrespectful to you. Didn't she have a "dom" and want to be dominated?

And now she's not telling you when they contact her?

I'm sorry to say but I couldn't live like that. I know you love your children, but she worked pretty hard to purchase her ticket to freedom.

But I will say, if you stay and make it work, that doesn't mean you're weak. But make sure you change the dynamics. You need to wear the pants in the family.

Just my thoughts. Hang in there.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Montreal
♂ New Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say this with concern Montreal, but I don't know. Your wife was really pretty disrespectful to you. Didn't she have a "dom" and want to be dominated?
And now she's not telling you when they contact her?

I'm sorry to say but I couldn't live like that. I know you love your children, but she worked pretty hard to purchase her ticket to freedom.

But I will say, if you stay and make it work, that doesn't mean you're weak. But make sure you change the dynamics. You need to wear the pants in the family.

Just my thoughts. Hang in there.

I hear you mike, and trust me my first thought when she told me was to go. But she DID tell me when I asked her, so it's not like she outright lied. Lie of omission sure, but only because she still has the wayward mindset of damage control. I completely get the first "omission" as she just didn't know the appropriate way to act. The second one was more difficult to explain away, because after we talked she should have known. But in her defense it was Christmas Day and who wants to talk about that on Christmas Day? Still, I and the MC told her that was unacceptable.

I think I will ask her again tonight if anybody has been in contact with her (Happy New Year maybe?). I'll make it clear that any further unreported contact will be grounds for immediate divorce, and I'll mean it. You're right, she needs the 2x4 upside the head to get it, I think. But I still feel like a pansy.


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal,

Don't forget that no matter what you are the hero in this for giving it a shot to save the marriage. Yes she is making some effort but it sounds like she is still not 100% for the marriage to survive. See what she says tonight but you may need to get that 2x4 out and papers filed. I have heard that when a woman is served it will sometimes wake her up to the fact that it is over. I know with mine it did absolutely nothing but that is because she still thinks there is a future with an old/gray/wrinkled OM that never has been married. Nothing says you have to go through with it but it could be helpful. Thinking of you and the other Menz here as we are all starting a new year and let's all make it the best one we can!


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal,

My wife wrote this in a letter for me. At the time, it made me feel better about it.

"I know you are struggling with the feelings that come with taking back one who has treated you so poorly. I don’t think staying with me after how I have treated you makes you a, “chump,” “cuckold,” or “weak person.” The strength of character and charitable spirit you have shown says so much about the man you are. You have never let any of this defeat you. You have always stared down, with a steeled will, anything that stood in the way of your goals. Many great men you aspire to emulate would have lost the emotional battles you have already won.

...You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are using a male-centric, socially-indoctrinated mindset to assume how others perceive you. It is difficult for the less enlightened to understand it. People and/or society fears what they don’t understand. So to feign understanding they categorize it into neat rigidly defined boxes. Little do they know this short cut in thinking robs them from witnessing a truly remarkable testament to the good and decent core of people in this world. It takes hope to put effort into a, “lost cause, ” and nourish it. It takes understanding and an appreciation for what makes us all human to witness flaws in others and love them anyway."

The main point is it takes heckuva a lot of strength to work through this. Be proud of that. It takes courage when finding something worthwhile and fighting like hell to save it. Unless you have experienced it, you don't know how hard it is. Think of it as a, "red badge of courage."

At the same time, having a wife who understands this helps a lot. Apologies, sharing her pain. Also trying to make amends knowing that it is an impossible task, but doing it anyway seems to quiet those concerns. Knowing that no matter what happened my W can never doubt my love or commitment to her. "For worse..." happened and I am still here. She has a concrete example to reference back on, no doubts on where I stand. She can't do the same thing for me, so her task of having me believe that is much harder. Also just telling her how this made me feel about myself was freeing. She has worked very hard to show me why I would want to stay. She still does. The option of a D is still on table. It always will be, that is a permanent consequence of her actions. If ever I am not happy in my M I will walk away with a clear conscience. I have more than earned that right.

Grace gets mentioned a lot too. Read some stuff about Nelson Mandela with reference to grace. No one can doubt how "great of a man," he was.

By working on myself I have let go of those feelings. Not only in IC, but outside of it as well. I did things that made me realize how awesome I am too. The more you repair you own self esteem and only validate yourself the less opinions of others matter.

Anyway that is my take on it. Feel free to borrow what you may need.

ETA: Something to ponder may be a way to take your power back. Demonstrate to yourself that you are in charge of your destiny.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 11:34 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Montreal))) - go back and look at the language you used.
'get over'
'get around'

It's an incremental process for most of us to find our strength, iow, re-frame it in your mind as going through these tough things and finding your strength on the way.

From your profile, it seems to me that her whole attitude: her commitment to you is conditional is a big part of the problem (which lies of omission are a symptom of). Covering her butt & trying to avoid consequences is more important to her right now than fixing herself and making you feel safe in the relationship.

You already know that
Remorse
Transparency
Honesty
NC
are minimal requirements for successful R, and I'm not too sure you're getting any one of them...

The point is, it's about you. Confronting your own fears and weaknesses.
I believe you will make it man, it takes time and painful experience to finally know - inside - that you don't deserve to settle for anything less.
Too bad experience is something we get right after we need it though, right?

Hang in there man. R is not easy even under the best of circumstances.
Sending you, and all the guys! good, strong New Year's wishes - may it be awesome for all of us!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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