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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just checked the iCloud email account.

Nothing at all to worry about.

One minor trigger. The email to confirm setting up her first sex gmail account was still there in old mail dated 7 August.

I already knew the date this started but still...


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

refused all offers of mine to hire a maid

BTDT

Kinda sad.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks slope. I don't think taking the kids and running is an option, though. And other than the dick, vagina and boob pics that our daughters discovered last year, I can't honestly say that she's been a bad mother. Never has been wife-of-the-year, but definitely a doting and attentive mother.

It is sad, Tred. It has often been described as a black hole that can never be filled. Truthfully I don't think there's anything I could have done to make her happy. There would always be a complaint, about something. Because men are bad and not to be trusted...period. Not sure she even has a concept of happiness, beyond fleeting moments.

BTW, when I busted her she was having a cell phone argument with her lover. It was so intense that at first she didn't even notice me walk right up to her and speak to her. By that time I heard a male voice coming through the speaker and quickly figured out what was going on. I later found out that they had a bad argument at the club where they hung out. He called her a nasty name. She dumped him like he was nothing right after D Day. So I guess Mr. Wonderful didn't make her that happy, either. And he only had to work at it 2-3 days a week, for a couple of hours a pop. No bills, chores, or kids in the mix to complicate things further. Hell, he sucks by my standards.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:36 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

glad to hear that bobf.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has often been described as a black hole that can never be filled.

There is a term for people like that. Emotional vampires.

Word.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


look into borderline personality disorder if you really want to see what an emotional vampire looks like. the scary thing is, they're real!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...they're real!

I married one.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did too, the first time around. At least this time I'm only dealing with FoO issues.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

+1 to marrying an emotional vampire

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:23 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ExhaustedWhat2do)))
I didn't miss your post, it in fact inspired me to post.
I think everyone here is gifted.
With healing out loud.
Paying forward no question.
Good on you.
Keep posting brother.

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I will chime in saying I married an emotional vampire as well. She has no emotion when it comes to what she has done and still is in the "fog". I posted photos of my wife and OM on Facebook and she ended up blocking everyone that knows her and I. She has more than one screw loose. Can't wait for this divorce to be done and move on with my life!

To all the men out there that are going through this, stay strong and make sure to see IC and get some books to help you along with the resources here. If you want suggestions just let me know.

Thanks to all the support from fellow betrayed men on this forum!


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, yes, I have access to everything, except her work... Work email is private because of work policies, she works on really confidential stuff for the government. Stuff that she sometimes tell me and do the news 2-3 days after, so I can't get access to that.

I think I'm doing my best to cover all bases, and I' supposed to see her at work soon. She's nervous about it, because she don't know when I will come, but says that I have the right to come anytime as I am her husband.

As for my gut, I don't feel anything wrong right now. When the A was going on, I had feeling that something went wrong but did nothing. When she told me when it happened, I wasn't surprised as it was the same period that she was acting weird. The problem is that she lied and was hiding stuff for several months afterwards, so I'm wondering if she's telling me everything, or hiding stuff...
I think it would have been easier if she had told me herself without me finding evidences.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where I stand at this point is that the trust level still stands at "zero". She was supposed to give me all her email and social media passwords as directed by our MC in April. She gave me one password to an account that she doesn't use very much. I know she has at least 4 other email accounts. I laid low for these past several months in hopes that she would develop a false sense of complacency and get lax with her cover up.

What I plan on doing this holiday weekend, is to go with her into her office to open up her work computer as well as her 2 iPads that she uses at work and go one by one through all her email accounts and browser histories and social media apps that she has available to her there. Also plan on having her show me all her cell phone and business phone statements to determine if she has been in contact with OM. If I find any evidence that she has broken NC, it will be the end of the marriage. I'm calling it the "day of reckoning".

Why? If she hasn't given you transparency for the last 6 months the only thing that will happen if you don't find anything is that you will go crazy trying to look someplace else.

Gather what evidence you need to gather but if she has kept shit secret from you for this long since dday it doesn't matter if she's still technically cheating or not, that isn't a woman who is on your side or has your best interests at heart.

If you are gonna go forward with that, do it to satisfy whatever your own need is for it. I can understand that and think it would be a good idea. I also think, though, you should not tie it to being the condition on which you put a bullet in it and call a lawyer. I think you should call a lawyer anyway and consider the six months of continued deception the condition on which she killed your marriage. If she wants to try and save it after that power to her.

Take care of yourself here.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was an exit affair. I used her fog to my advantage. I planted the seed about her refinancing the house. At first she said no, she couldn't live in 'our' house. What she meant is that she didn't think she could afford it. After a few months of conch surfing (or crotch surfing as a friend corrected me) her cat got sick. I couldn't administer the meds so she started spending time around the house more and more when I wasn't there. She texted me about missing the house and being uncomfortable while she was there. I pounced. I laid out the numbers, who to call, what to do to get a refi done. I held her hand, sweet as could be, filling her head full of ides of staying in her house, yard full of puppies, big comfy bed. To clear my conscience I asked her point blank if she was sure. She said she was. She proceeded with the paperwork and I helped a lot. Too much probably. She closed two weeks ago Thursday and I moved out that Saturday. I'm pretty sure the house will be the ruin of her financially. It needs a ton of work. It's 104 years old. Her new fabulous lifestyle will likely include a DUI sooner than later. She has no clue about home maintenance.
I don't care. She's a big girl who made a real estate decision. Not my problem anymore.

So the moral of this tale is that in a divorcing situation where there is no hope the fog can be your friend. It was mine.

Safe travels to those of you on the road for thanksgiving.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Menz, Long time lurker to this thread. My IC/MC told my wife that I caused her to go out and have an affair. I am so friggin pissed of right now. Any other of you guys have their MC give the sympathy to the WW?


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Herk,

That would be my-ex MC if it was me. That's utter bullshit.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred,
As of tonight, since I have my IC appt. Hopefully she takes my advice and does jump in a lake. GOODBYE!


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
Stillheart
♂ New Member
Member # 27322
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Herk, same here, our MC/IC used the same excuse, that the state of our marriage caused my FWW to have an affair. I told the MC that I was in the same marriage and I didn't go out and have an affair. Got rid of her.


Me:62 BH
Her:53 WW
Married: 26yrs
8 month affair
D-Day 11-10-08
Two Daughter: 18 & 22
In R and doing well

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Oregon
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Along the idea of describing our ww or fww...

I think of mine as a fallen angel.

She never did anything until our marriage got pretty bad (no excuse, she could of divorced me). We started to became distant after I failed to get tenure at my university (I was a failure in both of our eyes) and I made one HORRIBLE decision. I arranged to work in a colleagues lab 2.5 hours a day, 4-days a week and did not discuss this with my wife. I was trying to save a failing research career and I knew with 3 kids, 5, 7 and 10 at the time she would never say yes to that. I should of been worried about saving a failing relationship.

She became a nag after that. A horrible nag. I turned away from her looking for a feeling of success anywhere else. That included online gaming and burying myself in work to escape the constant criticism.

She owns 100% of the multiple cyber affairs/encounters. I feel I own about 75% of the problems in our marriage prior to the OEA.

I am in IC, we have done a bit of MC and my wife is now in IC and the fog has lifted on both of us.

My wife is a fallen angel that is redeeming herself.

Sometimes I feel like a resurrected devil also trying to redeem myself.

[This message edited by bobf at 8:59 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Menz, Long time lurker to this thread. My IC/MC told my wife that I caused her to go out and have an affair. I am so friggin pissed of right now. Any other of you guys have their MC give the sympathy to the WW?

Have not been there personally, but I think that isn't sympathy as much as it is stupidity.

It's like saying "She was asking for it" in a domestic violence situation. Fire the MC after telling him he's a fucking moron to his face IMO. There's no point in even trying to have a rational conversation with an idiot like that.

Don't forget that you are a customer there, and when the service is garbage you have the option to say Fuck You with your wallet on this one.

eta:

bob, your wife was never an angel. She was as fallible and fucked up as you were.

If you were a failure in both of your eyes, her choice to decide you were a failure was hers. Did you sit around on your ass all day jacking off and playing starfox? Because failure as a person is a lot different than the inevitable failures we have to face in life.

Nobody owns a majority percentage of problems in a relationship because we all own 100% of our own problems. If you were a workaholic that isn't a relationship problem, it's a you problem. If your wife placed a value on you as a human being that was defined by professional success that's a her problem.

Look at it like this: you can be superman in your relationship and your wife can still decide to cheat. You can do all the house work, be the sole home income, be as supportive of your spouse as you can and take on 100% of the responsibility for your kids and shit can still go undone - why is that a relationship problem? It's a problem for the person that has an issue with it. If you don't care that dishes sit in the sink for half a day but your wife goes nuts about it, it isn't a relationship problem, it's a her problem. It becomes a you problem if she asks you for help and you don't even bother to try. It's a you problem if you are already playing superman and take on the responsibility of that chore she can do since her limbs aren't broken.

These days I think it's borderline insanity to even bring up relationship issues in the same discussion as an affair. They have no bearing. It's like saying "I own 100% of my responsibility to be an alcoholic but she owns 50% of the relationship problems." Really, what the fuck is the point of that at the end of the day? Even if it is true, our wives don't drive us to drink and if our home life sucks, the decision to self medicate at the bottom of a bottle isn't just our own, it fucks up the world around us even more. Same thing with an affair. Who the fuck cares if your marriage was a sinkhole of despair and misery. The choice to be a selfish bitch about it belongs to her. It has no bearing. IMO, not even as an influence on making that choice. Personal weakness and sheer selfish perception is what drives that, just like any other escapist behavior.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 9:06 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

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