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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Survived my first Christmas "alone". Really wasn't that big of a deal. I worked late Tuesday night and got to my parents house about 11. Speaking of fifth, I about took down the whole bottle of Sapphire. In a good way. Laughed, played had a fantastic time. Got back to the shitty hotel late afternoon yesterday and had a bit of a meltdown, no doubt gin hangover fuled, thinking about my STBX niece. Past that now. Got New Years vacation on the brain. Island party off the coast of FL. Leaving Sunday afternoon. About 20 of my closest friends, a tropical island, a bonfire. I'm sure I could squeeze y'all in if you can make it.

Sal, truly happy for you.

jjct, wow, just wow.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm truly happy for you Sal. You have large heart and keen mind. Your wife chose wisely.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MANGRIA!

What goes into a Bromosa?


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@StillGoing- Champagne, Scotch, Testosterone, and Pure Sex Panther...quite frankly, it smells like pure gasoline.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is rolling along


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post jjct. Sal that's awesome. It is great that you have come to that place of peace, letting go of the outcome.

I've let go of the outcome too. And it is a great place to be. I can walk out of this marriage at any time with my head held high, knowing I gave it 110%.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im having one of these with the fWW after work.
Then we're spending the weekend alone while the kids are at the in-laws.

My fWW says she has a surprise for me.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great update Sal.

jjct can be called Aristotle he needs to keep up with the, um, pictures of the "sweet thangs."

FP I PM'd you. Mangria. I am a little HC, but wine makes me sick. I could drink a 5th of whatever and be fine the next day, but I have one glass of Veno with dinner and I feel sick.

sunsets enjoy the holiday

Defeated Dad . . .good luck. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, which quite frankly isn't much.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words, guys. But I'm still short of one year, so there's a long way to go. I triggered this morning, but didn't take it out on my wife. Just accepted things for the way they are. That's the second time this month that has happened. Before this month, if I was feeling bad, you can bet your ass she would be feeling bad before the day was up. For some reason I no longer feel the need to punish her, and that's the biggest reason for my latest optimism. Maybe this is what true forgiveness (and not the premature version I extended in July) looks like.

They say that love is a choice, and that feelings follow actions. I tend to agree, and think that the same applies to forgiveness and reconciliation. It's not that we can't reconcile (assuming that we're getting a least a decent effort from our WW), it's that often we won't reconcile.

That's perfectly legitimate in my book. Infidelity is the one biblical ground for divorce. No one should feel that he or she has to reconcile, or even try to reconcile, under these circumstances. Or feel bad for trying and coming up short. There really is no wrong response when hit with something this emotionally catastrophic. I think most waywards get that, and get that no matter what they do post D Day, it might not be enough. That loss of control over their own fate - to the extent that any of us really have control over anything beyond our own choices - must be terrible. That's why I'd never change places with my WW. There isn't enough hot illicit sex and phony ego strokes in the world that would justify the mental and emotional purgatory that follows.

sunsetslost, you're killing me. The circumstances that put you here aside, life sounds great for you. And unless I'm mistaking your story for someone else's, you're still young and don't have kids, so no lifetime entanglement to your STBXWW. The world is yours for the taking, my friend. Have a great New Years vacation on the island.

Thanks TC, apparently my wife doubted her choice in recent years but seems to have come around. She realizes how truly blessed we are to have each other, four healthy kids, a decent home and income, and family and friends. I see all of that much more clearly than before. I took a lot of things for granted, including my wife. It never occurred to me that someone could steal her away from me right under my nose. Maybe that's arrogance, but if so, it's long gone. Even a shitstorm like this can have a silver lining.

ETA:

Then we're spending the weekend alone while the kids are at the in-laws.

My fWW says she has a surprise for me.

Same here, Defeated Dad! The wife is dropping the kids off now. Here's to a fun night for both of us. One of the advantages of getting out of the punishment mindset - I have yet to ruin any weekends this month, and am getting rewarded accordingly .

jjct can be called Aristotle he needs to keep up with the, um, pictures of the "sweet thangs."

I second what numb said.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:16 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here, Defeated Dad! The wife is dropping the kids off now. Here's to a fun night for both of us. One of the advantages of getting out of the punishment mindset - I have yet to ruin any weekends this month, and am getting rewarded accordingly .


Sal that's great! Put it to her!!

As for me, I have a fresh bottle of Viagra and and the fWW just sent me a really naughty text.

To think all those years she was afraid of opening up to me sexually. It took her whoring herself out to another man and coming close to losing everything to realise that it was all unnecssary. She had a husband there the whole time who would have loved to help her indulge her passions.

Well, she is a whore, but she's my whore now. It sucks that it had to go down the way it did, and I still hurt alot, but it's getting better every day.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need to stop reading other forums...the immaturity, selfishness, and total separation from reality displayed by some is maddening. I feel bad for their spouses. Since being married is all about real life and there's simply no way around that, these poor souls never had a chance.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need to stop reading other forums...the immaturity, selfishness, and total separation from reality displayed by some is maddening.
Ugh...you said it.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3370 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that some of these OM could play the role of real-life husband for about a year. See how long Mr. Wonderful stays wonderful when she sees him for who he really is - a man that lies to his wife and cheats on her, not to mention one that farts, snores, and leaves the toilet seat up - and he realizes that he's married to an emotional teenager who cheats and lies when her husband no longer makes her feel like the heroine in a Harlequin romance novel.

Real life is such a drag, after all.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal – all of that was what helped me take the most important step in my own healing. What she did was not about me and did not reflect on who I am. It was real life that had some tough stuff to deal with and she was “escaping” for some fantasy time. And I’ve got to tell you from what I know the “real life” fantasy was pretty lame so I’m guessing the fantasy inside her mind was better.

Today for some reason I remembered something she said very early on when she was trying to figure out why the hell she did this. She said the POSER never did anything to make her mad or feel bad. OK I’m past the “no shit, he expends minimal energy to get a piece and is not going to mess that arrangement up with any real life truth”. Hell it’s practically free blow jobs and hot sex without any of the other “investment” needed in the “real world” relationship. Today when I thought about it I realized how completely self-absorbed she was. If I, as her husband, was an important relationship for her, then just the fact that someone who was my “friend” was willing to do this should be enough to make her mad or feel bad. I think I need to talk about this with the W because it’s really bugging me now.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Sal, you are on a roll brother! That's some good shit.

Friday night, Bud Light. Gotta watch my boyish figure.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that some of these OM could play the role of real-life husband for about a year. See how long Mr. Wonderful stays wonderful when she sees him for who he really is - a man that lies to his wife and cheats on her, not to mention one that farts, snores, and leaves the toilet seat up - and he realizes that he's married to an emotional teenager who cheats and lies when her husband no longer makes her feel like the heroine in a Harlequin romance novel.

Real life is such a drag, after all.

I think as much as I don't want to admit it, I have to accept that the OM does live in real life. He ditched his own wife and kid to be single, he fucked my wife, he probably fucked a lot of other women. I think he chose that life so he didn't have to share those parts with someone. I don't pretend to know the reasons, but I am pretty sure the OM lives in a real life and knows what he's doing. Knowing I could kill him in less than a minute with my bare hands doesn't change that.

It doesn't change the fact that I suck as a dad, either. Or that I suck as a husband. I don't put any stock into those things as reasons or justification for cheating; I mean if I went and cheated, that would be another major fail as a husband and father, really. So that's on her. The OM being who he is, doesn't impact my life though.

He could be a wealthy, brilliant James Bond type and it would be the same in the end though. Not my ideal. Not my chosen reality. I fail the same way I succeed, on my own. I don't want the reality he has. I have to wash more dishes, run more laundry, knock more dog shit off my boots, curse at more stupid fucking basketball hoop assembly instructions written by a cross eyed martian with no arms, but it's shit in the life I chose.

The OM might be all that and a bag of sun chips, but he's still a cheater. Let him fail at his own life. Fuck it. Got too many failures of my own to concern myself with.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't change the fact that I suck as a dad, either. Or that I suck as a husband
You gotta ease up on yourself...


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Important scientific discovery gents: 15 hour work days make shitty Canadian whiskey tolerable. No offense to Canadia. Just got limited options tonight (this morning?)


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunsetslost,

Discovery lost on me. My scientific discovery was that I was allergic to whiskey. It gives me a headache about 10-15m after I take it, it doesn't get me drunk, and it gives me a hangover. So I'd rather get hit in the head with a hammer than have whiskey. Even if it's shitty because it comes from America's Hat

At some point someone told me "it's just that you haven't had good whiskey", and turned me over to fancier and fancier ones. Which brought about the other part of my scientific discovery: The fancier the whiskey, the stronger the reaction. Ugh!

So Vodka, Tequila (which as we all know comes from America's beard), Wine and beer for me. And there will be plenty of all that at the house I just rented - keys in my hand tomorrow. Can't wait!


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
IC Quote 3/6/14: "You Married a powder keg"

Posts: 480 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you GP! Enjoy.

I checked out of my shitty hotel room this morning because I'm traveling next week. I had an unbelievably shitty day at work. 9:15am to 1240am. Trekked out to my brother's house and was too exhausted to stop for something else. I had my traveling whiskey with me so I broke into it and will have to explain to my brother why he's out of Bud Light.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
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