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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am always open for PM's as well, from anyone. Take care.

Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
ExhaustedWhat2do
♂ New Member
Member # 40947
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say that I find this forum very theraputic.

When i'm feeling like WW is trying to suck me back in or I'm feeling sad about my situation, i come here to strength my resolve and keep myself level headed.

This forum keeps me doing the 180, staying focused on myself, and bridges the gaps in time between my IC appointments.

I don't feel so alone, and it is comforting to see other men that feel the same when their WW's created the bullcrap situation we find ourselves in.

Thanks men for being honest, emotional, and transparent in your situation.

I'm hoping my D will be finalized by the end of January or February at the latest.

The crazy things is WW, continually threatens to take everything and ruin my financial empire. Crazytown crap, because I'm giving her what she wanted when she crawled into bed with OM. I live in a no-fault equitable state, which damage can be done, but at least it has a floor. I guess early retirement isn't in the picture for me. I'd rather be happy and free, than living with someone who isn't who they said and portrayed themselves as.


BS(Me) 42
WW 43
DD 9/27/13
Married 6 1/2yrs; together 8
Going through Divorce, heading toward freedom

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No1 and anyone else, feel free toPM anytime.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone can PM me as well at any time.

About the 180. I think doing the 180 is sort of like walking away from the situation and getting on with other things in your life. If you WW follows you then R can happen. Otherwise D is a possibility.

If you are chasing your WW (figuratively) they will likely run away and stay in the fog. You chasing them is right where they want you. But if you just give up the chase and go your own way many times they will come after you.

The best way to end a affair I believe is to force it to stand on its own. And the best way to end *romantic* memories in your WW head is to show her what those actions cost her.

The 180 is also good for you because thru it you can see that there are possibilities for happiness beyond your connection to your WW and your M.

[This message edited by Razor at 11:35 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many times I tried to use the 180 to get her back and I failed to even keep to it. I feel the 180 now because I need it for me. I hope this new strength lasts. She knows one of my biggest weaknesses is abandonment issues from when I was younger.

You know it is actually working for you when you stop noticing or looking for their reaction. More concerned about how my actions make me feel.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 12:01 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: D train.

Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!


Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guy's, I need your advice please. My wife had an A last winter with a COW. She say's they have NC since I found out, but I can't verify this. I think she speaks the truth, but how can I be sure?

She finally agreed that she had to change her job. She can't right now, cause it would put us in trouble financially. It's also not easy for her to find a new job because she's an expert in her field.

She say's nobody knows at work what happened, and I haven't told them because if we R, it would damage her reputation and it could be harder for her to find a new job.

I know one of her COW because our kids have an activity together on the weekends. Should I tell him what happened and ask him if they still work together?


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your wife given you the password and access to ALL her email accounts and FB and Twit and the rest?

These days its impossible to be completely sure they are not communicating in some way or the other. Too many ways to do it. new email accounts are easily set up. work email accounts may be private due to work policies. FB and twit and link-in and too many more to mention ways they can talk without you ever knowing. It gets to be like playing wack-a-mole at a carnival.

Just do your best to cover all bases. Also keep a journal of her activities so you can look for patterns of behavior that may mean something. And most of all trust your gut. If you FEEL something is wrong there probably is something going on.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor--not directed at my but your above comment just reminded me.


Crap, I just remembered I do not have the PW to my wife's icloud.com email account.

I know she was using it while we were in Brazil and Argentina in mid-August and this started just before our vacation and I know she sent emails to the "Scottish Guy" from Argentina while I was sick in bed for 2 days with a 103 degree fever. Wife told me about that when I asked her.

I guess I better ask for it tonight. God I hate being a policeman.

[This message edited by bobf at 12:27 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bobf.

Yeh being a cop is not fun.

But you know if your (or any of our) WW really wants to cheat again or contact their OM they will find a way.

Its important to stop up as many holes as you can initially. Just to make it difficult enough to make any slip up hard to follow thru on. To make any communication difficult.

You cant make it impossible. But if its difficult you are more likely to find out than if its not.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor

Are you saying don't bother tonight since it's a few weeks after?

Or are you saying it's worth stopping up another hole?

I'm a pretty literal person. Sometimes it's hard for me to figure out ambiguity.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should ask for it AND open it IMMEDIATELY. If you give her time she will likely delete anything there that might make her uncomfortable.

Its a ambiguous situ tho.

Right now you may need to know the scope of all that happened. You need to know exactly what you are being asked to forgive.

But eventually you will want to feel safe if you decide to stay with her. And to feel safe you will probably want to keep track of all her lines of communication at least initially.

In time tho you will probably realize as I have that if your WW wants to cheat again or talk to her OM or anything like that she will find a way. So get access to everything you can and plug those big holes. Make it hard for her to contact her OM or cheat again. That way if she does it will be easier to see.

You might also try having her turn on her cell phone locator.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make it hard for her to contact her OM or cheat again.

One of my biggest regrets was how I unknowingly enabled my wife to betray me. Hell, I babysat for her and her lover dozens of times so they could wine, dine, dance, and screw the night away. At the time, of course, I thought I was just watching my own kids while my wife was out dancing "with the girls."

And that whole year that she texted incessantly right in front of me? I either didn't say anything or accepted whatever lame lie she told ("It's just _____ [insert lady friend's name]"). All it would have taken is one time snatching her phone away, or looking at the naughty pics stored in her phone that our teenage daughters found so easily.

Trust can be a good thing, or your worst enemy.

None of us want to be infidelity cops, but then again none of us wanted to be BM. One of the consequences with reconciling with a known liar and cheater is that you have to be very vigilant. If nothing else, make them have to work their ass off to betray you again.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DazedWI
♂ Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have posted photos of my wife and OM on Facebook letting all of our friends know what my wife has done. The photos are from a public domain for a race that they did together so they can't use it against me in my divorce. It's no more mister nice guy with this woman!


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I really do not think she is in contact with anyone. Her's was an OEA mainly with 2 guys but with lots of cyber chat sex with both men and women as well as some audio only Skype (OK, I know you will think I am a fool but I am pretty sure it was audio only as she told "Sex Mentor" in a chat that the guys she Skyped were audio only, no pics. She couldn't Skype Sex Mentor as he was at his place of work. God it's sick that I know that, sigh.)

The main AP were Sex Mentor (lives in Australia and is married but I was never able to find out his real name as he was/is actually careful) and Vermont Guy who was so careless my wife identified him and I did too.

Vermont guy is the only one my wife might want to contact as she said at various times to Sex Mentor in their chats that her relationship with Vermont Guy was "kind of serious". Sex Mentor asked if she thought about meeting him and she answered "too tempting" but said they were very "intellectually compatible". She also never told Vermont Guy that she was busy diddling with a dozen others, like she was trying to preserve his respect for her in case they met. Honestly, I think it was heading that way. She clearly liked what he was selling in his emails.

In any event, I will get the email pw and check through it.

[This message edited by bobf at 2:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many times I tried to use the 180 to get her back and I failed to even keep to it.

Made that same mistake for years. Used to tell myself that I don't care about her any longer but in my heart I was lying to myself. I'm at the place now where I know I can live without her and she can live without me. Ironically that mindset seems to be working well for both of us. Took many years to get there.

As far as being a private investigator of WW, that's not an option any longer for the sake of my mental and physical health. The adrenaline, fear, and anger was taking too much of a toll. She lives and works out of town and only comes home on the weekends. With her own place, disposable cell phones, her own checking account, credit cards, and a car, there's not much I can do. As Razor mentioned it's like playing wack-a-mole.

The more I concentrate on my own life, separate from hers, the more at peace I am. Again, that took many years to figure out and put into operation.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
3Xthefool
♂ Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys,

its been a couple months since I last posted in SI. My profile is available for anyone to read to get details.

Short version of my story is that I have caught or found out about WW betrayals 3 times in the past year and 2 months. Last time was in March when I had to go on a business trip and she was left alone for 1 week.

In March, I met with a lawyer but didn't follow through on any of the options discussed because I wanted to give WW one last chance to reconcile before calling it quits forever.

Where I stand at this point is that the trust level still stands at "zero". She was supposed to give me all her email and social media passwords as directed by our MC in April. She gave me one password to an account that she doesn't use very much. I know she has at least 4 other email accounts. I laid low for these past several months in hopes that she would develop a false sense of complacency and get lax with her cover up.

What I plan on doing this holiday weekend, is to go with her into her office to open up her work computer as well as her 2 iPads that she uses at work and go one by one through all her email accounts and browser histories and social media apps that she has available to her there. Also plan on having her show me all her cell phone and business phone statements to determine if she has been in contact with OM. If I find any evidence that she has broken NC, it will be the end of the marriage. I'm calling it the "day of reckoning".

In order to make sure that I don't leave any stone unturned in this plan, I would like your input as to any additional things I should include in my list of items to check when I am doing all this verifying.

Any other suggestions are welcome.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3Xfool, what has your WW been doing in the last few months to work on herself and resolve her issues. What ACTIONS has she shown you that are steps towards her fixing what she broke? Is she in IC? Has she read any books or anything to help her figure out whey she did what she did? If it's been a few months and she didn't give you complete transparency when she had the chance then going to her office and demanding she open up all her emails for you to view isn't really doing much imo. If she was truly remorseful she would have offered you access to EVERYTHING already. From your profile your WW has multiple Ddays with multiple men. Just my 2 cents but if you have seen zero actions from her in the last few months on helping herself then don't waste your time. Instead of going to the office to search emails have her served with D papers at her office.

Aee you prepared to take actions if your day of reckoning turns out negatively for you?

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:00 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3xtheFool,
What is the plan if she balks or refuses?

I agree a lack of work on herself is as bad as new contact.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 4:03 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd rather be happy and free, than living with someone who isn't who they said and portrayed themselves as.

Amen to that Exhausted. Mine often let her unhappiness be known, but I guess I didn't have the magic solution to whatever it was that was ailing her. Kids and housework seem to be the two biggest complaints, but I can't help it that we have kids and she refused all offers of mine to hire a maid. Changing about a thousand diapers over the years apparently didn't do the trick. I think the biggest source of her unhappiness is marrying a man she doesn't truly love, but she won't admit to that.

ETA: she has mentioned marrying me "on the rebound" a few times, though. So she's kind of saying it indirectly. That she made a mistake marrying me. A mistake corrected by having unprotected sex with a man who picked her up in a bar, apparently.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:24 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine often let her unhappiness be known, but I guess I didn't have the magic solution to whatever it was that was ailing her. Kids and housework seem to be the two biggest complaints, but I can't help it that we have kids and she refused all offers of mine to hire a maid. Changing about a thousand diapers over the years apparently didn't do the trick. I think the biggest source of her unhappiness is marrying a man she doesn't truly love, but she won't admit to that.

ETA: she has mentioned marrying me "on the rebound" a few times, though. So she's kind of saying it indirectly. That she made a mistake marrying me. A mistake corrected by having unprotected sex with a man who picked her up in a bar, apparently.

Sal.... dude.... man... brother...

Why is it your posts always get to me. Dang.

You only get one shot at life. One. There ain't no mulligans. There ain't no do-overs. I know some of your sitch... I know your concerns. Kids. Money. Yadda yadda yadda.... Dude. I know you think you're doing the noble thing by staying, the honorable thing for your kids, but..... man. I think you're making a mistake. Get out. Take the kids and run. Get while the gettin's good. Make like a tree and leave.

You deserve to be happy. We all do.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
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