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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
TheCollector
♂ Member
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my way over there now Mr. Kite hope you all enjoy this veryaaccurate music


Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A word of caution, that last ditch civility can be the calm before the storm. If she gets to the point that she believes it's a lost cause you may see the worst in her real fast.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't be surprised if things took a turn for the worst. I am always on guard.

No need to call me sdwb. Just wb is fine! 4 hours till practtice and I want a beer now!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB.

So yesterday she had a telephone chat with Anne Bercht's (sp?) husband. She and he wrote the book about "my husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me" Not sure how I feel about the book. It was a better read than the title indicates. she wants us to go meet with them or some other couple that survived this shit.

Ive not read that book. Read allot of others tho.

WW read after the affair and got pissed off about it because the book made her feel that her affair was HER fault. That says allot. She read part of not just friends and seemed to get more out of it. She still has poor boundaries with men from work. Supposedly Im not supposed to worry about that now because shes old now. And I dont really know what to do with that one.

Just the title *my husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me* pisses me off. Like *cutting my legs off made me a better runner*. People who say that a affair made their M better make me want to scream *WELL ILL GO AND HAVE A NICE LTA MYSELF AND MAKE IT EVEN BETTER THEN!*

But you know value can come from funny places. Hope you get something out of this meeting. Let us know how it goes.

[This message edited by Razor at 5:39 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The title fucking pisses me off too. The book though isn't that bad, actually has some good stuff in it. Plus she has a weekly newsletter that my wife gets. I have read some of the articles, pretty good stuff.

The fact that your wife got pissed about that book ain't good. My wife may not have been proactive in healing, but she has vocally stated that the affair is 100 percent her fault. I believe that she subconsciously may still blame me for part of it. And actually that is what Bercht's husband told my wife. Interesting.

Funny, before this sort of thing would have made ecstatic and hopeful, now I am just going to watch it play out with clinical detachment. Seems easier this way.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeh. Probably best to keep yourself detached and not invest emotionally in whatever may happen.

Good luck.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No need to call me sdwb

QFT

We are suckers to the end mate. Really. Hopeless romantics fishing...just one more cast.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred. He makes me laugh. Damn him. Dam him to hell!

Playin ketchup. my husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me is a primer on how to be a doormat. There's so much societal NOISE, like a train rollin by while you're trying to have a private convo? FTN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the thing as I see it now.
I LIKE how defeateddad TELLS HER what he wants, instead of asks for it...
I wish I could be more precise.
I'd do it nice
I'd slice

I've decided, with this many posts I should know,
what get juices flow you know?
Here's STAYRUE TO YOURSELF,
at some point,
you'd think I know.

I do.
Some stuff,.

Now I gotta go
wipe my cheeks.


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much going on gents Ė sounds like most are working through all this crap in a positive direction Ė at least for themselves when the W is not.

WB Ė Damn fine start to BM16. Nice touch with the rules. Really sorry to hear you are heading that direction. If you canít see the W you want to grow with then what the hell you can do. Iím such a pro-M wus that I will be hoping that itís a dip in the ride and what the W is/does/is working towards will look good again. If not well then I hope in D you and JNPRA find a positive path Ė even if itís just for the kids. Iíll be raisiní a glass tonight in your direction.

Jjct Ė good to see you man. Iím grateful for your words Ė uplifting or terrifying.

The hand of what you wish it to be is holding your soul to the grindstone of what is.

I wanted to let you know this has stuck and has helped me ďstay in the presentĒ so to speak without forgetting the past (thus doomed to repeat it Ė or in my case three-peat it).


Iíve been doing pretty well. Iím missing some of the old members who were ejected from the game. Some wisdom was lost but there is so much here.

And I am missing WAL Ė sure hope he and Wincing are getting along all right with the kids. Iíll be raisiní the glass in that direction as well. I donít care for the scotch and beer is not right for this one Ė I guess it will be my friend Jack (honey sweet tonight). Good night all.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh, my wife makes me giggle sometimes. Other times she makes me puke...but whatever I guess.

So tonight we were talking, explained to her my reasons for divorce...(just an overall lack of effort).

I had asked her for things initially to help us, they were:

transparency
Get IC
Get MC
Post on MC
I wanted love notes
post on SI
Read.

Pretty simple.

I got transparency...(I think)
I got MC for about a month.
I got IC for about a month.
I got her to read some books that I picked out for her.

The love notes thing is funny. Kinda lame, whatever. I think I got it from a book, don't remember which one. But I told her that was what I wanted. She has twisted that into the fact that I wanted a love note "every single day" Which isn't what I said.---but really, when you think about it...if the roles were reversed and she wanted a love note?....I would have written 20 a day.

The hilarious thing is that two years have gone by, and we often have rehashed the love notes thing, and how I want one every single day. Guess how many I have gotten over the last two years?

Bout 18.

But fuck man, I am demanding a love note. Every. Single. Day.

I got 18.

Minimal effort my friends.

Tonight I talked with her about her minimal effort. (I really don't care anymore..now it's just seeing how the crazy works).

I told her I would not start the divorce if she posted on SI.

She refused.

Alright honey. All you have to do to save your marriage is post on SI.

"nope, it's not helpful"

Look honey, there is no helpful, I am divorcing you if you don't do this.

"Nope, we are getting divorced then."

Cool. It's good times over here. At least now when I do engage in these conversations, I do it knowing the outcome, and not really caring. Maybe that's sad. Maybe it's my life. Meh. Good times!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry man, sounds like she is just not ready or able to face her demons. Iím betting she started down that hole and got scared. Itís so damn crappy in a relationship when fights work the way you are outlining, but after the A it can cut like a knife. Iím glad you are at a place where you can say Meh.

Not sure if this fits at all but I had to learn something about me in all of this shit. I process stuff differently than my W. Most people donít process the way I do. My W had to do it her way, and for a while that looked like no effort. SI has not been a good fit for my W. IC was good for a while but it was very different than my IC. But after a while IC stopped because she went as far as she could, for now. I could see the work she was doing on herself through the conversations we had and her changed reactions to not just me and my pain but also to the kids and other people. Itís been subtle and it is a work in progress for sure. At some point we will probably both go back to IC to work through some issues.

At this stage in the game I would think that JNPRA is losing hope. If she canít go down the rabbit hole I think sheís right Ė it sounds like there is not much hope. You will not settle for the surface. Unless sheís willing to look deep what can happen? Itís an ultimatum but one that youíve given a lot of time. So I guess either JNPRA finds a way to explore what lies behind the mask or you will not be able to R. Guess Iím just hoping that JNPRA can do it. Even if itís done too late for the M, she and the kids (and therefore you) would benefit.

OK now Iím heading out so I can get to that Jack.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her I would not start the divorce if she posted on SI.

She refused.

Alright honey. All you have to do to save your marriage is post on SI.

"nope, it's not helpful"

Look honey, there is no helpful, I am divorcing you if you don't do this.

"Nope, we are getting divorced then."


"So you want to divorce then?" would be my response?
I mean she won't post but then she pulls this...
So yesterday she had a telephone chat with Anne Bercht's (sp?) husband...she wants us to go meet with them or some other couple that survived this shit.
...which comes across like she doesn't want R as much as she wants to continue in the M on her terms...without true accountability.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
TheCollector
♂ Member
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you menz know you can't R? I am 2 years out... Double betrayal with my friend who was also my co-workerand throw pregnancy in the mix and not knowing who the father was the whole pregnancy...I am the type to hold a grudge in normal day to day life.. I'm terrified I can't forgive her while being with her.... I'm just lost right now. And on top of it all I now hate myself and her the day after intimacy just about every time. What to do???


Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry wonder boy.

man hugs

collector, you too.

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:18 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, Wonderboy... I don't see how you could make it any more clear or simple than that. Just know that the work that you have put in has not been in vain. You've come so far in healing since your very first post.

Collector - You are dealing with a very brutal situation. Have you sought out counseling? As someone who has personally gone through paternity/DNA issues, as well as a double betrayal myself, the IC, or individual counseling, did me the most good. Got to be alright with yourself before you can be alright with your marriage. I'm still working on both, myself, and I'm three years out.

Take care, guys.


Posts: 4551 | Registered: Dec 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and I was also going to ask, Collector, what kind of work has your wife done, and has she taken measures to find out what caused her to cheat and to reassure you that it won't happen again?

Take care


Posts: 4551 | Registered: Dec 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me

Man, what a shitty life that must be. I wonder how the sequel goes. "My husbands gambling problems (that drove us to bankruptcy and left us living in an unfurnished 1920's trailer home in a nevada desert selling toenail clippings to itinerant witches for an income) became the best thing that ever happened to me!"

The best thing that ever happened to me was *meeting* her, not her fucking another dude. Well okay maybe there were better parts, but you know what I mean. Really when we get down to it, the whole "She fucked another dude!" is not something I would excitedly write a book about if someone said "Hey man, what's the best thing that ever happened to you?" I wrote a story about a dick monster, so I know what I'm talking about here. If I were to write a book about the best thing that ever happened to me and pick something out of the top ten worst things, going through this affair would probably be a contender with Nearly Dying To Gangrene Because I Passed Out In The Sun While Mowing The Lawn Thanks Mom And Dad BTW Fuck You.

So that's a stupid book title.


eta:

The love notes thing is funny. Kinda lame, whatever. I think I got it from a book, don't remember which one. But I told her that was what I wanted. She has twisted that into the fact that I wanted a love note "every single day" Which isn't what I said.---but really, when you think about it...if the roles were reversed and she wanted a love note?....I would have written 20 a day.

SDWB... I hear you. I remember being in that numb place and finding notes from my wife. I didn't ask her for them. It was the weeks after dday where I was standing with one foot in the fields we know and the other past the silver line, and I would find these notes. Some of them were just "I love you" and some were these long and heartfelt confessions. They were taped to the steering wheel or in my phone and shit. There were tons of them at first and they tapered off.

What they felt like to me was her efforts to establish herself in my personal space when I wasn't there. Like she was trying to be there even when she couldn't be. I was too stunned and reeling to appreciate it completely at the time (though I did appreciate it). I missed a lot of them. She hasn't done those for years now but once in awhile I find one that I missed.

Man I hope I didn't miss any in the car we sold last year. At least not any explicit ones.

My wife obviously isn't perfect. I wouldn't be here if she was. I don't know what the fuck I'm even trying to say, just sharing a moment I guess. I blame Sam Adams.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:12 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7115 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DefiledRage
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Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


my husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me

I'm also in the camp of "What exactly the hell does that mean" I just can't fathom any outcome that is preferable that includes betrayal on this level. I guess I can understand how a marriage might function better on a day to day superfical basis if both of you are making a conscious effort to make things work better. But to me that's all just window dressing. The deep bond and trust that is lost can't ever be fully recovered. There are just too many aspects of a relationship that are damaged for any outcome to be viewed as "the best thing" That is unless your the type of person that gets your feel goods from having a remorseful spouse that caters to your every need. I'm not talking about things we require of our waywards for us to feel safe in the relationship again. I'm talking about that well she does this and this now, she never did it before so she must love me, I'm loved, I'm really loved. That is the same type of validation they received from the posers. I'll pass on that. And I definitely pass on any suggestion that I'm better off now that she's been double dipping.


SDWB
Missed the news around thanksgiving. Sorry to hear that this is the point that things have gotten to, and you've haven't got the progress you need. Best of luck with however things turn out.

Good thing I don't adhere to a last call here in my castle.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A neatly poured wheat there, DR - looks deeelish!
Thanks fol! Means a lot to me man.
Salvaging something good from the suck is a challenge. We are up to it. That is amazing and beautiful.

Kite mentioned drowning out conscience (with noise, with lies, with re-writes)...think of the energy and effort required to maintain a facade - a life living a lie.
Like running around with a pocketfull of carpet tacks, always having to shore up a falling wall, a creaky door, a slumping floor. With an 8-pound mini-sledge. The psychic effort it takes.
I'm like, *no thanks*! The arm tires. The banged fingers throb, they bleed.
There is a cost.
My beautiful DIL informed me over the holidays that x#1's poser (they M'd - they've been M'd now for @ the same # of years- @ 15 - we were) - she tells me poser told her he met her (x#1) while we were separated.

Huh.
No, we were never S I tell her...

A carpet-tacked, shaky shack of lies he's built.
Whatta life! Running to and fro, lying huddled, wondering when the wind of truth blows it all down, covering ears...
What is true is that he separates himself from reality. By choice.
Sad really. Really sad.

Though cruel and rough and grinding at times, only honest beer's served here. That means something.


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also in the camp of "What exactly the hell does that mean"

They have links established on their website to free prerecorded teleseminars. Hours worth of them. Very informational and in many of the recordings she addresses the reason for the title. I don't like it either but her reasoning makes sense.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
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