If you can, cut all the ties to avoid the resentment.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:42 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]
I wish with every ounce of my being that we could fix us. I love her so much. I stood by her through everything.
Now what..... I'm lost
She tells me last night she has an emotional attachment to him.
What does that mean? I have an emotional attachment to my ex-wife because we shared a bed together and spent lots of time with each other, but that doesn't mean I want to be married to her again. Maybe women look at that in a different way than men do. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. We're here for you.
One thing that became a requirement for my wife was not only NC, but mental NC. For our marriage to continue, I could no longer tolerate him taking up space in my wife's head. I left it up to her to figure out how to detach, and it did take some work on her part. If she hadn't been willing to work on it, I wouldn't have been able to continue with the marriage, plain and simple. That didn't mean I loved her any less, and I didn't want to throw away everything we had been through, and everything I had stood by her with.
There comes a time when you need to think of yourself, and what's healthy for you. If your wife having attachment to OM is causing damage to you, and making you an unhealthy person, then that makes you an unhealthy person to be in a marriage with, even though the damage isn't self-inflicted.
Take some time to think about what your boundaries are, an what the consequences are. Maybe you need to 180 in order to figure some of this stuff out?
Either way, hang in there man. We're here to listen and advise as best as we can.
I respectfully disagree. My sense of justice, which is a very core value to me, is screaming for ruination. It's something I've been working on in IC.
The aftermath of justice is indistinguishable from the aftermath of revenge. If you are salting some remote fields that is one thing, but if you are doing this at the cost of yourself then IMO it is the same as giving up.
I don't know how to get through this, to forget it. To move past it. She tells me last night she has an emotional attachment to him.
Brother, you can't get past that shit when she is still wrapping you in it. 180 her IMO. She is not and hasn't been in R with you if she is still carrying a torch for that guy.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 9:56 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]
Now what..... I'm lost
At this point, what have you done? I'd recommend a lawyer first. Not necessarily to file, but to at least find out what the future may hold. You can't control her actions, but you can control yours. Get your ducks in a row. Become pro active.
Have you looked at and implemented the 180? The shortcut is http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 . This is for YOU! It will provide you some space to think clearly. She will continue to try to eat cake as long as possible. You need to get yourself to an emotionally healthy place. Brother, you may not realize it, but you are being abused. Put a stop to it.
Have you seen a physician yet? Regardless of all her assurance, they didn't use a condom and in all likelihood(look at the STD rates in the general population) he is at least a carrier. Please have a full spectrum STD test run. Avoid sex with her or at the very least use a condom. The physician can also help with dietary suggestions, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety. I would also bet the he/she could recommend a good counselor.
Have you informed the OM's(Also known as POSER here in the Menz thread) BW yet? She deserves to know. It's a two pronged thing. If she doesn't know yet, once she finds out, POSER is likely to throw your WW under the bus. Expose the affair. I'll bet that your WW has blamed you for everything wrong in your M in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. Problems in the M? Sure, and you are responsible for half of those. HOWEVER, and never doubt this, She is 100% responsible for the A. Don't let her throw shit around town and to your/her families that you are a complete shit. Affairs thrive in the darkness, shine the light of truth on it. Will she get pissed? Oh hell yes. Will she threaten you if you do expose? Yep, she'll do anything to cover her ass and continue the affair. If she is saying that she still has feelings, believe me, the A has been ongoing.
Welcome to the Menz thread. Sorry you're here.
I am trying to work up the courage to call the spouse of the WH who was sex chatting with my WW. I feel like BW has a right to know, but I also worry that this might bring this guy into my wife's and my life.
My wife tried to do her sexting anonymously,but she was terrible at it. One of the men she was chatting with, let's call him Sex Mentor, had to know her real life name. I mean my wife used part of her company's name in her sex email address, told him the town she lived in and told him her job (ESL tutor). After reading that (I have all of the chats of this guy), I spent 30 seconds with google, logged into the company website and searched ESL tutor and her city and my wife was the number one hit. My wife also only changed a single letter in her name for her sexting account. Great. The guy even said he knew her business name and said it in chat and my wife was appalled but it didn't phase her. She didn't stop. The guy also told her it was fun to identify his sexting partners and said he knew 3 of the 5 of them (one was almost certainly my wife).
Anyway, the main email partner and main focus of my wifes EA I call Vermont Guy. He is supposed to be married to a woman who suffers from depression according to Vermont Guy's emails with my wife. I know how to contact this woman, the question is,
Is it right to tell a potentially mentally ill person her husband is cheating?
I know my wife is not his only sex email companion as my wife told me Vermont Guy mentioned doing this before. My wife has NC (yes I monitor this) and my wife in one last allowed email told him I new about the affair and that she was ending it and cancelling her sex email accounts and asked him not to contact her. He may know my wife's real life name and contact info as my wife was terrible at hiding her information (see above). He has not attempted to contact her.
The next question is, "Do I want to risk him contacting my wife (I assume the probability is high he knows her real name and contact information) in response to me telling his wife about their affair?
Please help me answer these questions.
OUT the fukker. You'll be glad you did.
re your 2nd question @ risking contact with your W - you gotta be the po po?
Up to you. Your call and all...
Me? With your skillz, I'd lay low and keep my fingers on the web for vibrations. If there is one, and she responds - I'd slam down with a service of D papers. She's NOT remorseful.
You can't put remorse in her. Sorry bro. Honest truf.
Hard questions, but let's reverse it : If one guy had the power to tell you the truth before you learn it by yourself, and call you, how would you react?
Personally, I would be thankful. I think you should contact her and tell her the truth. This way, she won't be fooled and she will know the truth. Maybe her depression is because she suspect what's happening, but don't have any evidence? I think she deserve to know the truth.
I truly believe my wife is remorseful and we have talked. If he tries to contact her, she won't respond and will show me his email. He might actually try calling her, if that happens not sure what wife would do. I assume she would hang up, but I guess I need to talk to her about that.
My worry is IF the whole "depressed wife" thing is true, and I nudge this woman over the edge and she does something awful, how could I live with myself? That is my main worry.
I know she has a right to the truth. I would of wanted to know. But I am not mentally ill. I just feel mentally ill after what I found out.
It is almost certain that the mental illness-thing is a lie - cooked up to keep you from contacting her. Even if she is - she deserves the truth. It's not you who is responsible for betraying her. Telling her gives her the truth of her life.
Poser's betrayal is what hurt her. Not you.
Do it kindly, with compassion. With evidence. Leave her an email to contact you if she has any questions - but you have to let go of the outcome. What she does with the truth is not on you.
I would definitely tell the OM's wife. You are in no way responsible for the pain that he has willfully inflicted on her. And unless you know her personally, I wouldn't believe a damn thing "Vermont Guy" told your wife. People engaging in bad behavior will say anything to justify that behavior. Besides having a "crazy" wife, he probably was in "a loveless, sexless marriage." Poor guy.
Besides having a "crazy" wife, he probably was in "a loveless, sexless marriage."
Yes - on page 42 of the cheater's manual...
I guess my point in all of this is that you all need to stop trying to hold up both ends of the relationship. If your WW is remorseful that's great. But she must be remorseful in her actions, not in her words. They throw around the saying "Trust but verify" here a lot. I firmly believe that. I busted my XWW breaking NC with a keylogger. Of course she tried the old "You invaded my privacy bullshit" But too fucking bad, I had to watch out for number one. And so do you guys. Don't sacrifice your manhood or lose your balls at her altar. If she is sincerely remorseful, you will know it. And even that's not 100% full proof. And don't drive yourselves crazy trying to manipulate her life so she wont cheat. If she is gonna cheat she will find a way. Just be vigilant and never have blind trust. Remember that the A will never go away. You may be able to live with it, but its always going to be there. And if you want to R you cant hold it over her head either. You can not be her warden or overseer. And think long and hard before you commit to R. Because some of us just cant do it. And there is no shame in that. Affairs are simply deal breakers for some people. They knew the risks going in and took them anyway. So my brothers of infidelity just know where you stand with your WW before you commit to R.
When I went through my wife's gmail stored web history, I saw how often she was going to porn sites and also what type of porn she liked. Some of the things were worrisome (to me), then last night I went through her sock drawer. I knew she stored some DVDs there and I found a lot more than I expected, like about 80.
These had probably not been touched in years, because with the rise of the internet and my recent web history browsing of her pre-R activity, she was online looking at porn a lot. I know it was a porn site where she first found out about Dreambooks, where she posted her first online ad.
OK, so since she is looking for IC, I asked if that was something she should talk to the therapist about and wife got very upset. She said it wasn't and never was an addiction problem and more or less told me to mind my own business and that she would talk to the therapist about issues around the OEA and not her porn usage.
To a certain extent, I think she has a right to some privacy and I know she is not going to porn sites now. I have no worries at all about my wife right now. I know she is committed to R. I am more worried 2 years from now. I want issues of addiction, whether it's to people or porn at least talked about, hopefully dealt with and put in the past and not coming up again later.
OK, I plan on contacting the BOW after the Thanksgiving. I can't bear to ruin someone's holiday, even someone who hurt my marriage, and she did not hurt my marriage, her husband did.
The question is how much evidence do I have to have?
I do not have any of the emails my wife sent or received to this guy. I had 3, but I was so upset I perma deleted them when I took over my wife's account after reading them. I remember the content of the two emails that were sent by the OM and the one my wife sent, but mostly it was fantasy chat. One referred to a fishing trip that he may or may not of actually taken. I have the email addresses my wife was using, I have the email address and "user name" the OM was using but all have been deleted. I tried emailing the other man's account to check. I know the website they met at, Dreambooks: Adult Pen Pals but have gone back looking for an ad that looks like this guy's posting and haven't found one. Of course, he would likely change his ad. I didn't save my wife's browser history which showed her looking up and identifying this guy after buying his album (see below). I also know a lot about this guy from my conversations with my wife about what was going on.
I have a copy of the receipt for the purchase of the OM's rock album my wife made which was the thing that helped her identify him and the album is actually how I identified him as well. The album itself I smashed into dust.
If someone called you out of the blue with this little information, would you believe them?
Suppose, just suppose, the real asshat who was emailing my wife is the guy in the office next door using Vermont Guy's life as his cover story?
[This message edited by bobf at 11:41 AM, November 25th (Monday)]
I just see lots of risk on your end with staying M for the sake of health insurance.
It's been 4 years since I found out and last night it surfaces again. I don't know how to get through this, to forget it. To move past it. She tells me last night she has an emotional attachment to him. I don't think I can live with that. I offered her a month to figure her shit out. But I'm pretty sure I've lost her.
I wish with every ounce of my being that we could fix us. I love her so much. I stood by her through everything.
I went thru a similar thing with my WW. I believed she still had a emotional attachment to her OM. So I just pointed to the door and said
*if you want to be with OM then GO. Be happy in your life. We will D and we can both move on with our lives and you will have the man you are longing for. They guy of your dreams. Just GO and stop tormenting me and making us both miserable.*
She didnt go. Maybe that woke her up.