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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Another DDay.
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this was being done because she paid a pretty hefty price for barely cheating last time...it was about to become an affair when I caught her...and she was taking the position that if she was going to be punished, she should at least enjoy the crime.

This was done because your wife wanted to cheat. You caught her but her desire didn't go away. She's just saying anything to take the blame off of her - almost all cheaters do this. Blameshifting = bullshit.

Your wife cheated because she wanted to, not because of you or anything you did or did not do. She is now trying to make you feel badly so she won't have to. Well, that isn't how this works. She needs to feel the weight of her poor decisions.

Before you even discuss reconciliation, she should accept responsibility and be willing to do the work needed. For her to blame you is a clear indication that she isn't there yet.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you are. You cannot 'understand' your way back. She needs to accept what she's done and accept the work needed to get back to her marriage. Anything less will get you more disposable phones, more BJs in cars, more lies.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
NJdadof4
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, here's where I am at right now. WW went to the police on Saturday and told them she was feeling unsafe. Made no claims of anise, assault, or anything else, just said she felt unsafe. She was granted a restraining order, and I was removed from the house. I met with her parents while she was at the PD, and they are fully supportive of me, and feel that in addition to all the other reasons why cheaters cheat, this is a symptom of a lifelong mental problem that they are tired of dealing with. Unfortunately, though I have their support, WW put them on the restraining order as parties I can not contact.

I met with our marriage counselor last night by myself, and had a good productive session with her. She was brought up to date on lots of things she couldn't get out of us in our joint sessions. I cried a lot, to the point where the MC was getting teary eyed. She spoke to WW the night before via phone; WW says she is ashamed, in love with me, and wants to reconcile. I do believe those words came out of WW's mouth, but I don't believe them. I think it's more BS to bide time so she can eventually do whatever it is that she wants.

I met with an attorney today regarding the restraining order and starting divorce and child custody proceedings. My heart and my head are telling me to run for the hills; but I'm still willing to give her time to get healthy mentally, so that she can contribute to the health of our marriage. The marriage may have been irretrievably lost, it may not have. That remains to be seen. At this point, I am willing to go either route. I am not, however, willing to live in this pain and turmoil and have her inflict this cruelty on our home. I deserve better, and so do my kids.


I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW put them on the restraining order as parties I can not contact.
Will her parents give an affidavit that this is false? They don't have to undermine her (even though it would be the right thing to do) but they can at least say you are not a threat to them and there is no reason for them to be barred from you.

Brother, I cannot begin to tell you how badly I feel for you. This scenario is exactly why so many of us on SI advise BS to talk to a lawyer to protect your rights. You must...must...get this restraining order vacated. You do not want it to impact your parental rights.


You need to unleash your lawyer and do everything in your power.

She lied to the police to get you kicked out of your own house. What's next? What lies or charges will she fabricate next?

She spoke to WW the night before via phone WW says she is ashamed, in love with me, and wants to reconcile.
Is there any documentation of this? I agree that she doesn't mean this which to me is even more cold-blooded. She can go from lying to the police about you to lying to the MC about her feelings and all of it is designed to manipulate everyone in her life. That is borderline sociopathic imho.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3370 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
NJdadof4
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon, thanks for the post. I believe they would sign an affidavit to that effect, however there is no way I'm going to violate the terms of the restraining order by contacting them to find out. The court hearing is a week from today. The courts are closed a half day tomorrow, then closed Thursday and Friday. There really is no real option but to wait.

And "borderline" sociopathic may be a very kind understatement.


I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your attorney can contact them on your behalf to get this quashed. Talk to you lawyer. Unleash your lawyer. You have the truth on your side. Your lawyer can navigate the system. Let your lawyer use the truth and follow their advice. Do not assume anything at all. Check with your lawyer.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3370 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a RO put on you is unthinkable!! What she has done here is draw first blood. She is showing she will do anything and everything to get her way. Do not think otherwise - she is in full destruction mode.

Have your lawyer draw the big guns. Be ready to prove that you did nothing wrong, and that she should be removed from the home and that, as she is unstable, should have only supervised visitation with the kids.

She will run with them if she doesn't get her way. Make no mistake, she is very volatile and dangerous.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
NJdadof4
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the posts. I'm in a much better frame of mind as each day passes. I hope WW is too.


I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
NJdadof4
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update - really nothing new, just waiting for the court date. I have no idea whether WW has gone NC or whether the A is continuing. As bad as I feel (haven't eaten more than a few bites of food since 11/21), I am worried sick about her and my kids. I love them all, and want them all to be happy and live in a calm home. I've got the support of family and friends who are prepared to help me for the long haul regardless of which path I am forced to choose, R or D. Sadly, the path will be chosen by her actions.


I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

parking lot of a local bar

met him for drinks

You can't reconcile with an active alcoholic.
You can't trust an alcoholic, no matter what they say.
You can't help someone psychologically if they are using a substance.
If your wife is mixing alcohol, with cheating, she needs to give both up for anyone else to help her in any way shape or form.


I went ballistic over it

You should have gone ballistic...your wife was having an affair.

If you beat someone up, then you crossed the line, but that doesn't add up to a PA, nobody can cause someone else to cheat, your actions have nothing at all to do with the cheating.

You don't have to divorce, but you don't have to expose yourself and your children to the damage she is inflicting on the family either. She can go and live elsewhere till she decides what she is going to do.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 894 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still willing to give her time to get healthy mentally, so that she can contribute to the health of our marriage. The marriage may have been irretrievably lost, it may not have.

NJDad, I know you're trying. I know you're hopeful.

Please understand that I say this gently... it seems that your marriage is over. She will not contribute to the health of the marriage. She doesn't want to be married to you. Your marriage is most likely irretrievably lost.

She spoke to WW the night before via phone WW says she is ashamed, in love with me, and wants to reconcile.
You already know her to be unfaithful and a liar. I am so sorry, but I wouldn't believe her at all.

Please consider doing or continuing to do a hard 180. Take care of yourself, focus on yourself and your kiddos.


Me: early 60s
Him: 64 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
NJdadof4
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is definitely not an alcoholic, as she rarely drinks. But alcohol has a certainly played a factor in this, as she is incapable of thinking of the consequences of her actions while sober let alone after drinking. She definitely has some mental problems; did she know what she was doing? Absolutely. Did she care that it would affect her marriage and her family life? Apparently not. Clearly she has some sort of sociopathic tendencies. Whether or not they can be addressed by therapy, or if she is even willing to address them, remains to be seen. I care about her; I want her to be happy; but I can not be the third person in my marriage.


I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
usedupmyhope
♂ New Member
Member # 38330
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njdad, so sorry are going through this. It's probably the hardest challenge you will have faced in your forty plus years. I've been there with the ro, good luck. It's a bad thing she's done and many years from now after you've already moved on, this is something that will haunt her.

The restraining order is without a doubt the nail in the coffin. I'm afraid that you really cannot rely on your current mindset to help you. The person you are referring to could possibly do irreparable harm to you if you get close to her proximity. Your children are now off limits too. It's likely she will weaponize them.

Here's the bright side; when you finally stop grieving and your pride is better, you're going to be so happy when you've found love again. There will be a day when you will actually thank this woman for leaving and giving you an opportunity to find love again.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: usedupmyhope
usedupmyhope
♂ New Member
Member # 38330
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njdad, so sorry are going through this. It's probably the hardest challenge you will have faced in your forty plus years. I've been there with the ro, good luck. It's a bad thing she's done and many years from now after you've already moved on, this is something that will haunt her.

The restraining order is without a doubt the nail in the coffin. I'm afraid that you really cannot rely on your current mindset to help you. The person you are referring to could possibly do irreparable harm to you if you get close to her proximity. Your children are now off limits too. It's likely she will weaponize them.

Here's the bright side; when you finally stop grieving and your pride is better, you're going to be so happy when you've found love again. There will be a day when you will actually thank this woman for leaving and giving you an opportunity to find love again.

Please don't try to find the little Angel inside of her. She's consumed with hatred, it's the fuel she's using to run away from life. Try to remember just how hateful you can be yourself when you really hate someone. We can only really hurt the people closest to us. She's letting out long dormant feelings suppressed and swallowed all these years, the bitterness flavoring everything else she's consumed regardless how sweet you were.

Look, take a drastic approach. You are already gone. Her and her lawyer will take everything from you, things that aren't even hers. My advice, which I now regret, I should have just given all my money to the most expensive powerful lawyer you can get. The courts are probably going to grant her request. The VAWA laws make it much more lucrative for courts to continue this charade of justice. She's going to kick your ass if you don't bring in some big guns. I'll say this, you cannot believe the shit sandwiches your "wife" just jabbed in your mouth. It is incomprehensible that someone who you've supported, and loved can turn on you like this. But if she's filled with hate then expect her to shock and amaze you with her hatred. Also, you should stick with your own family now, they are not your friends. I really mean this, good luck brother. I've been right where you stand. Bad stuff happens to good people too. No man will ever find true happiness unless he's been forsaken by his own fortune.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: usedupmyhope
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the conflict between heart and brain. However, she is giving you some very loud messages that both may need to listen to. She really crossed the line with the restraining order. She knows it as do you. Is that something that you can live with if you do decide to R?

It is a hard decision to move to R or D. Only you know the answer for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
NJdadof4
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the posts. They have certainly given me a lot to think about.

Time has passed and I am calmer. I have been able to see
My kids, and that has made things better. The bottom line is this: though I hate what she did, I love my wife. Neither of us has put whole selves into making the marriage be the best it could be. I am aware of her mental issues, and the role they probably played in this whole thing...but I love her, and was serious when I took my marriage vows. We've done richer and poorer, better and worse, and we are now facing sickness and health. I wouldn't bail out on her if she was physically sick, and I'm not about to walk away because she's suffering mentally.

I know reconciliation and recovery takes a long time. I'm willing to forgive and tough it out for her, for me, for us, and for our kids. She is a wonderful mother, and we have a nice family. I know we can get past this. We both just have to put away the anger. We are two weeks past DDay and I've been focusing on forgiveness and understanding. We both deserve better, and so do our kids.


I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was granted a restraining order, and I was removed from the house.

Has she had it lifted yet? She can *say* anything, what has she done?

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 36
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