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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help with 180
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.
My WH is coming home today, after working away for a week. He's home for good now. It's easy to 180 him when he's away, but I'm not sure how to act when he's home. I know, still just do what the list says. But do I talk to him at all? Do I smile? Do I tell him funny stories of what the kids said and did? Update him on their school, (had parent teacher conferences this week)? Usually once I talk to him, he thinks everything us fine again. I don't want him to think that, but I don't want this to be a hostile environment for our children.
So, how do I act? It's very very hard for me to act like I don't give a shit about him.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're going to have to fake it until you make it. No discussions except for finances and child care. Set an appointment to sit down and hammer out a child care arrangement where he is responsible for the kids X-amount of time per week (and spell those times out) and you leave the house when he's "on" so you don't get sucked into helping him. Set up a calendar online or on the refrigerator and all kid-related stuff goes on that so he can look to see what's going on. Divvy up the chores as well into his chores and yours. Up to you if you want to cook for him and eat as a family, but if you do, you set the time when dinner is on the table and if he's not there, he can reheat the leftovers in the refrigerator. He takes care of his stuff laundry, dishes, etc.

When you feel yourself getting weak, remember that your WH FIRED you from being his wife. He didn't discuss it with you, he didn't offer to work it out, he went behind your back and betrayed you. Until and unless he gets his head out of his ass and starts giving you concrete actions that say that he wants to R and is remorseful, there is no reason to "go to work" for him without payment. You don't have to be mean or hateful strive for utter indifference. Sort of like that pesky roommate that you had to tolerate to make the rent. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Thank you so much Skan.. That's exactly what I needed, step by step instructions to force myself to follow. I pray I can do it.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Skan said.

Usually once I talk to him, he thinks everything us fine again. I don't want him to think that, but I don't want this to be a hostile environment for our children.

Hum to yourself around the kids, and smile at the kiddos. If they ask about the kid-related calendar on the fridge, you're just trying a new way to organize everything.

Ignore your WH except for the most basic communication that is absolutely necessary--like "please shut the front door" or "did you feed the goldfish today?". Stop talking to him, even about the kiddos unless it's something medical or financial that he needs to know, because you know by doing that, he thinks things are okay and he got a free pass.

Pretend he is invisible. No touching, no kissing, no smiles at him, no laughing with him--IGNORE him.

What Skan said!


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 353 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Hope2B, examples of exactly what to do are so very helpful to me.

I read the article on NC by Catwoman.
I want to ask BSs that have gone NC with their WS, wasn't it hard to NOT worry about what he's doing?
I feel like ignoring him will just give him freedom to do whatever (or even whoever) he wants and add even more betrayal to the list of things he's done to me, and then even more for me to try to get over IF we did reconcile.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pray you can too. (((jesss))))


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like ignoring him will just give him freedom to do whatever (or even whoever) he wants and add even more betrayal to the list of things he's done to me, and then even more for me to try to get over IF we did reconcile.

In that one statement, you hit the crux of the matter exactly. You're giving him the freedom to choose. I know you hope that it's you. I do too. Thing is, after this betrayal, if he doesn't put you first now, would you even want him back?

This is the best time for the 180. You use the time to focus you. Hopefully, WH focuses on you too!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2715 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunsets lost : :)

5454real: that's true, he already has chosen to betray me, I never ever thought I would even try to forgive something like that... Before it actually happened.
I don't want to want him.... but I do. He is not always a monster. When he is being nice, then I can't even imagine him being mean. I wish he could always be like that. Maybe if I can do the 180 and NC, he will realize what he could lose and get help and we could actually be happy. That's what I'm hoping for. Or just that doing the 180 makes me realize I can be happy without him. But honestly I can't even picture my future without him, I don't even want to...
Sorry, I'm all over the place.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is never about the WS, it's for YOU and all about YOU.

This is not the same thing as turning your back on your WS so they can go sneak off and continue cheating... it's a totally different thing when you are doing it correctly.

My "SGAS day" in my signature was my "Stop Giving A Shit" day, which I think every BS needs to come to if they wish out the affair/cheating and proceed to R.

By "Stop Giving a Shit" it means that 100% towards your WH and you have to mean it. Focus 100% on YOU, moving on with YOUR LIFE, and CLEARLY- WITHOUT.HIM.IN.IT. Hit the gym, go back to hobbies you may have stopped when you got married, reconnect with friends, go out and have some fun, put the lying, cheating dickhead completely out of your life. They are on the back-burner, irrelevant, on-hold, lay-away plan, whatever... just not in your peripheral vision any longer.

In essence, until total remorse and the genuine desire for forgiveness is present, your WS doesn't deserve even a moment of your time, your thought, grief, energy or any of your personal power. The 180, to me, is shifting ALL your power, attention and focus on what really counts- YOU, your "loved ones" such as beloved family or children (and your WS truly isn't lovable after an affair, so count them out), your LIFE and your FUTURE... one that is 100% focused on YOU.

When this signal is loud and clear, your WS will take note. Even if deep in the fog, this will often times shake them out of it when they see you no longer living in their shadow or off-stage, but instead stronger, taller and taking center stage, in the spotlight... but in a play/story they are no longer a part of.

So how do you respond to them? Just like you would a stage hand. "Yes." "Thank you" "Ok" etc. etc. If they try to pull you into some sort of drama/emo bullshit? "Sorry! I don't have time for any of that. I've got XYZ to do!" because you'll have so much going on to fix/improve/deal with your future, that signal needs to be clear. Or even a simple, "Sorry, I really don't feel like talking about that now, but thanks!" And if they ask when, perhaps "I hope some day! Ta-ta."

Good luck!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 9

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