Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does your WS ever bring it up?
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despite the fact we are 18 months post d-day, his affairs and the effects are never far from my mind. I think over where we are and were in our marriage. Whether I can ever love him again, whether sex will ever have that intimate connection or will stay being just "great sex" etc.

If I ask questions about the PAs WH answers them. If I ask about his IC he will give me a brief overview. He isn't journalling much despite saying he would although he says he is reading books. He is hardly ever on SI - either reading or posting. I check his browser history. He sometimes reads another blog about affair recovery.

Unless I raise it, the affairs are never mentioned. I feel like things are pretty static - we are in monthly MC - but no forward progress. We are ok but the comfortable companionship I thought we had is gone. Silence feels awkward now.

Does anyone elses's WS ever raise the topic of their affairs and the flow on effect voluntarily? Or do most of you find their spouse only discusses the issues if you initiate a discussion on the topic? How often do you talk about the topic, the changes they/you are making and so forth?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 10:57 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W hasn't done it in a looong time, but she used to come to me when she found something that was even remotely related to her A. Also, if I'm down because of A-related crap, she apologizes.

We still see MC every 2 weeks, so I get updates frequently. I also ask W if there's anything I should know after her IC sessions.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:13 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, rarely anymore. But last night I sent her a thread and we discussed it. She was open, honest and willing to discuss and it had no effect on our day.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Nov 2010
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, never! I think he would rather chew his leg off than talk about his A. But he does answer my questions. I don't get enough from him for sure.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will say this. My wife still appologizes regularly, on her own. It does let me know she is thinking about her actions and my pain. That goes a long way.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Nov 2010
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH has never brought it up on his own and will only ask if I am OK if I am obviously struggling or sad. He relies on me to be vulnerable and tell him what I am feeling and what I need. He is usually very open to talking about it when I bring it up but there have been a few really bad nights where he will say something that makes me feel like he is tired of talking about it or that he is impatient with the repetition. I set him straight and he's doing better with validation.

We talk several times a week and most of the time it is just a quick question or thought I need to share and then we move on to "normal" topics. I told him that I need the freedom to talk whenever I want to without feeling like a Debbie Downer. I need him to embrace every discussion as an opportunity for him to help me heal, and to build trust and confidence in him. He's trying....conversation has never been his strong suit. I have to remind my self to be patient as I am asking a fish to fly.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 11:52 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She will only bring it up if it's VERY obvious I'm triggering. Otherwise, I always initiate the conversation.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW will ask if I am OK but doesn't want to hear anything if I am not.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the 11 years I was asking questions and trying to get answers, he never once brought it up and never brought up a regular relationship talk either.

It makes me crazy.


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2013
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never. In fact she doesn't even talk about it when we have "discussions". She only answers questions.


Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I have - more than once. These days I'm usually the one who brings it up - it's rare, though.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5936 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
strongerbytheday
♀ New Member
Member # 38347
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never. I wish he did because I feel like it is the elephant in the room sometimes. He will talk if I initiate it, but only then. Stinks. I wish it was open and freely discussed. I would feel more like we were connected regarding it, instead of it being "my story" and "his story."


Me: BW
EA/PA 4-5m?
DD 9/11

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2013
WeHadItAll
♀ New Member
Member # 38804
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never. I wish he would, but I don't expect it. I know that there's no new info about the A that could help - it would only hurt me.

However, I do want him to initiate conversations about our R. He has never been good with talking about his feelings, fears, etc., but now more than ever I need to hear about them.

Our weekly MC sessions used to fulfill that need for regular, honest communication, but we haven't been able to go for a few month and we really feel the strain.


Me - BSO, 35
Him - fWSO, 35
8y together.
DDay Nov 2012
R

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely never. I wish he avoids it like the plague.. I don't understand how are we suppose to feel that they are working on it if they avoid it. I am so fed up with it. I am detaching more more lately. Don't see much of a future and my work is suffering cus I can't focus.
So yes I wish he would.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
painandgrief
♀ Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamland, same problem in our household. I don't begin to understand fixing something if you can't discuss it. Such nonsense.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
EaglesWings
♀ Member
Member # 41156
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18 mos out, and not ONCE since D-day has he brought up the A. Now we have pretty well dealt with those issues, when asked he answered all my questions as best he could. FWH is emotionally "challenged". He certainly FEELS things, but really can't identify them, let alone discuss them clearly.

Now we have to focus on the M and he just shuts down whenever I need to connect. I think it brings back feelings of shame over the past, even though I try to reassure him that my goal is moving forward. I don't know how to get him to understand that I am not rehashing the A. However due to the A I have had to assess where I am and what I need. All he can hear is what he's not doing.

If he ever opened a dialogue on his own, I think I would faint dead away. Oh well, gotta keep trying. One small step at a time.


Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread....

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never once.

But to be fair, he feels awful about it still. I think it is human nature not to want to talk about your despicable actions. And since I could not ask for a more changed, loving, open H, I really don't want him to wallow in his disgust in himself anymore than necessary.

If I need him to he will talk as long as necessary, but no, I doubt he will ever bring it up himself.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not in person.

But, he works 12 hour third shift 3-4 days a week, and always calls me after the kids are in bad. He always asks me if there is anything on my mind. That is exactly how he words it. If something is bothering me about the A then I will bring it up then. Somehow it is easier to talk on the phone than in person, I think.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks - it is I reassuring to know that this is more the norm than not.

It does seem ironic as WH's link with the mOW was spending time listening to them about all their struggles in life and in turn telling about his problems. Even affairs aside he has never been much of a listener or sharer of this thoughts and feelings when it comes to me. Like pulling teeth trying to illicit information on where he is at.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 11:34 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
loveloss
♂ New Member
Member # 41379
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only in texts. She has a hard time doing more than answering questions or saying a simple "I'm sorry" in person. But she will bring it up in texts from time to time.

I'm the one who suggested it to her, because I know it's easier for her.

I'm happy to find out that the WS's aversion to the topic is, apparently, the norm... But a little disheartened to find out that time doesn't seem to change that very much.


Me (BS): 29
Her (WS): 27
Kiddo: 3 years old
D-Day#1: Sept 15, 2013 - 1 Month affair in August 2013
D-Day#2: Nov 8, 2013 - 2 Month affair back in 2009
Trying to keep the marriage.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California, USA
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.