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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with unemotional WW
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sincerely sorry for the pain you're going through.
I've read all of your posts - and I'm glad you're posting in the I CAN RELATE forum - the Men's Topic: I know you will find lots of great support there!

I wanted to ask:
How does your WW explain her involvement in TWO adulterous/sexual affairs since your describe her "inability" to communicate; and her lack of emotional attachment? How does she explain how she managed to "hook up with TWO different OM... affair partners on an emotional/sexual basis?" Surely she was FEELING SOMETHING to get involved enough to cheat with two different OM.

Personally - if I was in your situation: I would not sit by and bother "pressing her" to come up with what she's feeling: Your WW made THIS MESS and it's her JOB to FIX EVERYTHING she's broken if she sincerely want this marrigae to work!
SHE needs to be doing everything in her power to help you heal.
It appears you're doing all the reconcialtion work...and you're done nothing wrong.

What exactly does your MC say about this - WHY you're doing the majority of the reconciliation work - when it should be your WW's responsiblity to carry this load?

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my reqs for R was a release that allowed my W's IC to talk to me. She said that, if I asked her questions, she'd probably set up a joint session as the venue for answering, but that was OK with me.

I'm particularly interested in my W's goals and progress. Is she committed to R? Or is she bullshitting me while using IC to get the strength to split? Is he moving toward her goals, or is she spending the sessions doing mental masturbation?

I suggest you get this type of release, or at least set up a joint session to find out what she's told her IC and what her goals and progress are.

It sounds like you've got a desire to create deep and lasting emotional bonds, but she says she can't do it.

If this is a requirement for you (that is, you'll split if you she doesn't deliver), I urge you to let her know that - but that means you pretty much have to split if she doesn't deliver. Bluffs don't really work well in R....

I'm really sorry you're in this, and I'm sorry your W is so unemotional. IMO, you have to risk a lot to get what you want, but I think you'll find the risk is worth it.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dare: she explains the affairs by saying she was unhappy and numb. She has mentioned she may have been having a midlife crisis. For my part I had gone through a few family deaths and had become a shadow of myself. I know it doesn't make it ok, but I am really aware of my part in out bad marriage.

I have basically stopped saying anything deep until she does. At MC she stresses how she knows she has to communicate better and has been trying.

She is certainly not being active in trying to heal me or our marriage. She barely expresses remorse, only talks when I start or sometimes when I trigger badly.

She has been talking about me a lot apparently in her IC. Why the therapist goes along with this I don't know.

D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
♂ Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, update.

She's trying to look inwards and share. Visibly. Barely, but visibly.

Still no effort to heal me, really.

Still apologizes only when I'm crying, and often with a "but".

Sure isn't trying to show me why I should stay with her. Yet.

I've decided to make sure the kid's Xmas is good, so I'm in this R til january. She has some time.

D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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