H and I also go out to eat on weekends and now I go just to get the drinks, forget the food. I usually take most of it home. I have now started to drink during the day. I am trying to gain weight and put it in my ensures that I drink during the day. It is taking more and more alcohol to get that "numb" feeling and it's scaring me. Alcoholism runs in my family.
Another deadly combination is I also take xanax for anxiety. I don't know where this is going. I find myself wanting a drink all the time now.
Perhaps this is just a phase. I feel like I have gone through so much lately. Depression pre A, the A, getting a job, losing a job, my dad dying, DD that has an eating disorder, R is not for sissys and scares me. So much to go through.
Sounds like you are having a very rough time so I'm sending you massive (((((hugs)))))Letitout.
It also sounds like you are punishing yourself for the things that have happened to you. Please stop.
These crises and events are NOT YOUR FAULT.
You are strong
You are caring
You have a sensitive soul
You are kind
You are loyal
You are faithful
You are respectful
You are responsible
You are beautiful
Now, be kind and caring to yourself. I am no expert and they'll be people along soon who are better equipped to help so I'll just share what I do.
When I am overwhelmed by urges to indulge in alcohol etc I grab a handful of minties and leave the house and walk...and walk...and suck minties...when my pocket is empty I return home and put the kettle on. ( A bit mad, I know, but it works).
I have also decided that the only way to be on top of all this is for my mind to remain crystal clear.
You have clarity of vision because you have already recognised your behaviour as detrimental.
These are true gifts for your troubled mind and spirit and they will help you navigate this tangled path.
My thoughts are with you xxx
I am in counseling that has helped me a lot. You can try AA too. You need to get it under control before it controls you.
You may be numbing the pain for the moment but the thoughts come back 10 fold and you then have to stuff more of your feelings down and down again until you explode in a very messy way. Usually after I have had a couple to loosen my tongue.
I can so relate to what you are going through. (((HUGS)))
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Now you see it. Now is the time for help. For you!!!!
The really crappy thing is that we need to go through that raw pain state. It's the road bump towards healing. When someone self medicates, they're just stalling out before the road bump. They still have to go over it to get to a really happy place. Don't delay yourself getting to a place of true happiness.
I feel like I have gone through so much lately. Depression pre A, the A, getting a job, losing a job, my dad dying, DD that has an eating disorder, R is not for sissys and scares me.
It sounds like the last thing you need in your life is alcohol addiction. Drug and alcohol addiction will really get in the way of reconciliation. You should immediately stop drinking. Especially never drink for the "numbness," since becoming numb means you have drank too much.
What I have found that is helpful is to exercise. It makes you feel good about yourself and obviously you don't drink or want to while you are exercising. You should try it - it will make you feel better about yourself and reduce your need to drink
You cannot continue mixing the Alcohol and XANAX...As you stated: This is a dangerous and DEADLY combination.
Please talk to your doctor: It is obvious you are depressed. Depression is not "a phase."
We're all here to help and support each other...I want you to be healthy and ok.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Stop NOW. While you still can.
If you still can.
If you cannot, GET HELP NOW.
[This message edited by MissMouseMo at 11:44 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 7:04 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]
I'm scared too. I'm 9 years short of my retirement I plan to enjoy it ttraveling and doing the things I enjoy. Not fighting this.
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
Alcoholism runs in my family.
Another deadly combination is I also take xanax for anxiety.
Please know I don't say any of this with the slightest bit of judgement, I only say it because I have been there. And the I truly believe the only thing that kept me this side of the line is seeing how alcoholism affected people i love. through isolated incidents related to family members who were just out drinking, who didn't have a history of fucking shit up, who weren't called out to be, or admit themselves to be "alcoholics" who by all means were fulfilling their obligations, one incident can seriously harm your life. You don't want to let it get to that point ever.
Next you need to go see your Dr. and talk about options other than alcohol to help you deal, and xanax is just a temporary thing just like alcohol. You need to find a way to deal with all the issues, and upset in your life in a more productive manner. In addition you may benefit from an antidepressant, or even be worked up for ADD/ADHD, as many of us with that tend to self medicate as well.
Keep the liquor out of the house, and skip going out where there is alcohol for a few weeks, and start to transition to not drinking for the feeling, but more for the enjoyment of the flavor, and look at it as a treat.
AA has an all or nothing approach to addiction, and for some folks that works, but you really have to figure out how to deal with what is bothering you. Afterall if you were addicted to eating or shopping, those are not things that you can do without, you have to learn how to manage.
Try to exercise, when you feel the desire to drink. Keep busy, keep a structure. I found I was drinking way to much post dday, because of the sleep issue, I wasn't sleeping, and when I did I had horrible nightmares, the alcohol prevented that, of course I was probably really just passing out. I realized it was bad, and really cut back. I do like my wine, and I have to make sure I keep my consumption in check.
Talk to your H, and family about it, and ask them to support you, and help you. Do not be ashamed. If you are not in IC already, please consider giving it a whirl, and find a therapist that deals wiht addictions, and infidelity if possible.
Odd, before dday she was alcoholic and I was a teetotaler-now she no longer drinks(nearly 6 yrs sober) but I do.