That morning while he was in the shower I checked his messages and found that he had been texting a woman in his national guard unit. He told her about how he doesn't even remember what it is like to be sexually satisfied, how I am lazy, can't keep our house together, how I cannot control our 3 year old and am now pregnant again. They talked about missing eachother (she lives about 400 miles away from us) and how when he was in town for national guard drill they were getting a hotel room together. After he left for work I could not get back to sleep and so I went over our phone records for the past several months. I then discovered that he and OW have been corresponding regularly through text and many long phone calls since December of last year.
That night when he returned home I confronted him. I asked "Are you cheating on me?" to which he of course answered "no". I said "Then why are you planning on spending this weekend in a hotel with X" The look on his face was pure shock.
After much questioning, talking and crying I learned that he has been carrying on with OW for well over a year! It all started while they were deployed overseas together. He claims that what started as a professional friendship soon crossed the line. He had developed feelings for her and they had been intimate on more than one occassion. When they returned home they agreed to never speak of it again. About 6 months later they were together again for over 2 weeks due to army training and "rekindled" their relationships through lunches, text messages and eventually physical intimacy again. He says he again regretted it and called things off, not talking to her for a couple of months. Then we found out that I was pregnant with our second child and he ran to her, telling her how I tricked him into getting me pregnant, that I didn't take my pill on purpose (he KNOWS I don't take BC, never have since we have been married).
At first this whole thing escalated into him telling me he's never been happy with me, that OW is far more interesting and motivated than I am, that the only reason he ever married me and stuck around for this long was because of our DD and now he feels even more trapped because of the new baby coming. At first he said he wanted a divorce, but within a couple of days of us not really talking he decided we should try marriage counseling.
For the past two weeks things seem to have gone back to "normal", meaning that he is again affectionate with me and spending far less time on his phone or the computer. I do not think he is aware of the access I have to our cell phone usage details, but he has not spoken to or sent texts to OW since I confronted him. I do see, however, that she sends him a couple of texts every few days, but that he does not respond. We have had one MC session together and he went individually yesterday (I am to go by myself next week.)
Honestly, after the initial confrontation and his telling me our marriage was over I have been somewhat relunctant to bring anything up again. At this point I am honestly so afraid of his leaving me and the kids if I push him too hard. All I have said about it outside of our counseling session was that I was very hurt, but I am willing to work toward bettering our relationship and learning to trust him again. For his part, I need him to earn that trust. I made it quite clear that if he continues to stay in contact with OW or I EVER find evidence of another affair (physical or emotional) that I am done. I want to at least try to fix things, if for nothing else than for our children, but that there is only so much hurt a person can take.
He seems very wishy washy. Some days he is the same affectionate and kind man I've always loved. Other days he is standoffish and will spend long periods of time either out drinking or out hunting. Perhaps that is his way of soul searching, perhaps it's just him running away from reality. Either way, I'm hoping for things to work out but some days I honestly don't see that happening.
Please get checked for Std's as soon as you can. Complete work up. HE needs to be checked as well. Make sure you get a copy of the report. Even if he used a condom 300% of the time get checked because WH's lie.
Read all you can in the healing library. I am not liking the disapearing act. Is there a way to put a GPS on his phone. Just to be safe. Trust but verify. Keep posting and reading. Take care of yourself and your little ones.
[This message edited by selkiescot at 2:00 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
Keep your cards close to your chest, and in the meantime know that you deserve his remorse, not just his "look, now I'm a boy scout" kneejerk response.
You sound very balanced and calm, know that if your emotions start to get the better of you that it's normal, and that we're here for you.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
It seems I have had one trigger after another this week. WH has been passing out on the couch almost immediately after dinner. I let him sleep but each night try to get him to come to bed with me. He hasn't slept in our bed for about 4 days. I keep having dreams about him shunning me for other women. Yesterday he went deer hunting. We only have one vehicle right now so I dropped him off that morning because I needed the truck to run errands and go to a prenatal checkup. That night I picked him up and we all went out to dinner. He spent much of the time on his phone. He said he was texting his mom because it was her birthday yesterday and he'd almost forgotten. I have no way to confirm or deny this because she also has an iphone and iMessages don't show on our phone bill. He changed the passcode on his phone again. He at no point yesterday or this morning (he went hunting again) asked about the dr appt. It was routine and there truly wasn't anything for me to report, but you'd think he cared enough at least about the baby to ask.
I'm feeling really defeated today.
Honey...I get that you're scared. but//he knows you're scared. And a WH who knows you will back down..and knows you don't want to lose him..will use that against you.
You need to find your anger. Go to your closet..take out those bitch boots..strap them on. This man is not remorseful. He is not being transparent. He is making NO effort to repair the damage he has done.
GET ANGRY! This jackass had sex with this whore. You are pregnant. The risk to an unborn child coming in contact with an STD can be fatal. He put your child's life at risk.
Im sorry,but I have zero respect for any man who cheats on his pregnant wife. It is just so incredibly dangerous.
In order to R successfully he needs to:
Be 100% transparent..you get full access to all of his online accounts,emails,facebook,bank,etc..and the passwords. And he is NOT to change them.
He must be completely honest with you at all times.
He answers all of your questions,without anger or defensiveness, as often as you need to ask them. You have been traumatized..asking the same questions over and over is the way we process this crap.
He gets his ass into IC to figure out his why.
He gets tested for STD's. And NO sex until you see the results.
He writes a NC email to OW..and you send it.
And anything else you need from him..he does.
You can not R without transparency,honesty, remorse, and NC. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity...and that is if you have a WH who is knocking themselves out to heal you, themselves,and the marriage.
Also..you need to do some digging into this OW. is she married? Does she have a boyfriend? He needs to be told. Don't tell your WH that you are going to tell him..just tell him. Otherwise,your WH will warn OW and she ill concoct a story about you being crazy or some other such crap. Oh,and if the only info you have on OW is from your WH...do your own research. Cheaters lie.
Im so sorry he did this. What an absolute shit. Please know nothing you did..or didn't do..made him cheat. HE chose to do this. HE is 100% responsible for his choice.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:03 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You don't have to do anything major right this second. I waited it out for 3 months well wh chased ow around wanting to be friends with her and made a plenty of fish account to meet other women because he thought an open marriage would be more fun. I was in such a state of shock I just let him do whatever.
After 3 months a switch went off inside of him and he came out of the 'fog' and dropped her and deleted the plenty of fish account...which surprisingly once he told women he was married on there and just looking for friends most of them told his he was a jerk lol. He started talking to me, being transparent, being involved with the pregnancy and our daughter....he is better now then ever before.
What I wanted to get across to you is that he needs to do everything everyone else is telling you he needs to do but just because he isn't doing it yet doesn't mean he never will. It might take a few months. Tell him what you need and see how he responds....if you need him to turn around right away or your done then that's fine, tell him that. I knew I wasn't ready to leave but by the end of those three months I was reaching the point of being done.
A lot of people told me I should kick him out (including his own family) and he would come to his senses and maybe he would have but if your going to kick him out you need to be prepared that he might not come back... You can't kick him out planning on him to come back so be ready to be done before you do anything like that. I wasn't ready to be done when I was in your shoes and no one understood that.
Listen to your gut. It will tell you what you need to do.
It sucks that these men we loved and trusted with everything just destroyed it all like it meant nothing to them. So unfair.