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User Topic: 7 year old crying
wifehad5
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Member # 15162
Question  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ds turned 7 on Monday. His go to when he's upset is to cry. Not quiet little tears, but full on wailing. We've taken to sending him to his room when he does it at home.

I had his parent/teacher conference today, and she mentioned that he does the same thing at school. She spoke with his 1st grade teacher who admitted that she got sick of the crying, and would let him get away with whatever he was trying to get away with

I've told him that it's OK to be upset, but he needs to reel in the yelling and crying. As I said, he also gets sent to his room at home when he won't stop.

What else can I tell him that won't leave him emotionally stunted for life?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36488 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
authenticnow
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Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids do things to get reactions. Two things come to mind-you can completely ignore him so he doesn't get positive or negative attention for the behavior.

Then I thought maybe you should say to him, 'It's okay to be upset but your wailing is hurting our ears so you can go to your room until you're ready to talk calmly about what's bothering you.' Which is what it sounds like you already do.

I think doing either of these things consistently might work.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36635 | Registered: Sep 2007
fireproof
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Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please feel free to disregard my advice but I would:

1. Try to get at the root of the issue- is it for gain or is it really he can't control the crying. If it is number two an alternative - maybe doing something quiet until he calms down.

2. Talk to a professional and see what is the norm- could be hormones? (Without your child)

3. Let them act out and figure they will grow out of it and most do.

Good luck!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jul 2012
authenticnow
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Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought of something else. Maybe he doesn't have the words for his feelings when he's upset.

Maybe sitting face to face with him and asking him, "Are you sad? What is it that's making you feel sad right now?" or angry, or frustrated, or whatever you think he's feeling at the moment.

This will give him the vocabulary to be able to express himself without the outbursts.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36635 | Registered: Sep 2007
tushnurse
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he particularly bright? Language delayed at all?
I ask because my son who is borderline aspie, with ADHD did not do well with change or upset. When I tried to put him in daycare at 8 months he cried incesently for days on end. When I tried again at 16 months same thing. He just couldn't stand the stimulation.

He was also slow to talk and speech delayed even though he was reading at a 11 year old age in kg and 1 st grade he would get frustrated and overwhelmed at times and get angry eventually crying he had an EAP for speech so we would send him to the ld class when this would happen until he could regroup. When he was older he told me he would cry and be upset about whatever set him off then he would realize everyone was watching and become embarrassed and then he would get more upset.

Getting him out of the classroom when he was escalating stopped it. He was fortunate to have some great teachers in 1st and 2nd grade. He did outgrow it but he still thrives on a schedule, routine and a plan for the day.

I would definitely try to talk to him about it when he is calm and even with the teacher to come up with a plan for things. If he hasn't been tested for LD's or ADHD at this point please consider it. He shouldn't be having boo hoo breakdown fits at school at his age.

(((( and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7803 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
wifehad5
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Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone

I don't think he's ADHD or aspie. He's very much a 6 year old boy though.

He seems to be able to express himself for the most part.

The crying is definitely for gain. He turns it on and off too quickly for it to be a lack of control thing.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36488 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
somanyyears
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Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..well....60 years ago i can clearly remember my dad telling me to stop crying or he would really give me something to cry about!!

..that shut me up real quick!!

..of course, giving in to him and his wailing tactic is clearly not the way to go.

..sending him to his room to take a 'time-out' is a good solution because it sends the message that his crying will not get him what he wants.

..how much time elapses after he gets to his room and his crying stops?

..i'm guessing it stops pretty soon..

..when he regains his composure, you can go to his room and talk about the whys and wherefors of his behaviour.

..i realize that it's sometimes difficult to 'reason' with the 7 year old mind.

..iff he's been using this for a few years now, it may be a tough habit to break.

..the saying 'misery loves company' comes to mind.. you could try crying with him.. louder and longer than his tantrum show.. and watch his expression of shock!!

..he won't like hearing you any more than you like hearing him.. but it may get the point across.

WWHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA WWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA WWHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
unfound
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Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

poor thing .... Poor wh5 and br!!!

As long as he's physically okay and nothing major emotionally going on, I'd say he'll probably outgrow it. (we see a lot of this at my school). There are things you can do now to help him, and the adults in his life.

she got sick of the crying, and would let him get away with whatever he was trying to get away with

uh, no. if this is happening both at home and school, it's a good idea for how you deal with it to be consistent at both places.

verbalization. can he tell you/teacher why he's upset? At that age, if they can't verbalize, then drawing is a good way to not only figure out what is going on, but a physical distraction from crying.

If he can tell you why he's upset, then making a scale of say 1-10 of the agreed (between parent and son/teacher and son) what an appropriate emotional response would be .. of course in 7 year old word .

Can you see it coming on or is it out of the blue? If you can see it coming, then catching it before it escalates can help. Teacher too. When you see if coming, you can distract, talk, or divert. If a teacher sees it coming, they can remove him from the class with a "job" or a quiet whisper with the instructions to sit in the hall until he can compose himself. Self soothing and control is the ultimate goal. ETA after reading your response... this also can work as he won't be getting any kind of attention for his crying.

This must be hard for all of you . What ever you figure out, consistency is key, both at home and school, and to keep trying things until you find one that looks like it helps. I hope the teacher will work with you guys on this.

[This message edited by unfound at 7:47 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14823 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Thriving
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Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So his school doesn't have a way to deal with the crying?

We have a few K-2 that will go into a full blown crying fit. The way we handle it is to ask them to please stop crying and join the rest of the class to do whatever is happening then. We'll ask 3 times and if they keep crying, we explain that they are disturbing the class and take to sit in the hall just outside the classroom door. They are told they can come back in when they finish crying. The teacher or a para will peek out every couple of minutes to make sure they're okay. Most of the time, they aren't out there for more than 5 minutes. I guess it's our equivalent of "go to your room."


"Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any of one of those is to lose all three." - Anon.

Posts: 4840 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Denver, CO
wifehad5
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Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One small clarification, it was his 1st grade teacher that gave into him. His 2nd grade teacher doesn't, nor do we at home.

I have "cried" along with him. It pisses him off


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36488 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Amazonia
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Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a parent, and this was more than 20 years ago, but when I was little and acted that way I was punished for being manipulative. Usually a swift smack on the rear. I'd like to think I'm not too emotionally damaged.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13566 | Registered: Jul 2011
tushnurse
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IF he is doing it to get his way, or get attention that will stop real soon, as the some other kid in the class will make fun of him, or the other kids will start saying he's a crybaby. Not really bullying, but it's hard to be the cool kid if everyone thinks your a big baby.

I would talk with the teacher, and come up with a consistent way to deal with it. He may need some sort of consequence for it. Teacher gives a warning, and then says I am emailing mom, which means he will have to deal with it at home, loose time on the TV, Xbox, computer whatever his favorite activity is.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7803 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
metamorphisis
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Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know with the kids I don't address the issue until they are "using their words". Or "I can't understand when you are yelling, please calm down and then we will talk." Generally it's enough because they won't get any response until they can talk about it.
However, if it's just venting frustration I'd say the time away is best because he needs to settle down for a bit.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43979 | Registered: Sep 2006
Going_Under
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Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My youngest son is 8 and he does this at home and at school. I picked a time that was not near one of these episodes and talked to him about it. I explained that there were things that it was perfectly fine to cry about, but things where it just didn't make sense, even if you felt that way. I explained how he should really stop and take a breath and see if he could work through those feelings before he started crying. I told him that when he cried and it was not for an appropriate reason that I would remind him that we talked about this.

Now when he cries because he isn't getting what he wants, etc., I stop what I am doing and say "Oh my goodness! Remember what we talked about? This is one of those things that there is really no need to cry about. That crying isn't going to change my answer to you, so you really need to think about whether or not you want to spend your time crying or doing something else." Even if he is crying when I say this, I just sort of ignore that and keep talking. Then I shut up and let him process what I said. If he continues crying, he needs to do it away from me. I just say, "Well, we have talked about this and so now you need to go in the other room and work it out with yourself."

I find that keeping a level voice and continuing with what I am doing generally breaks the spell. He is looking for a big reaction or to get something he wants, and it isn't much fun listening to me drone on so he generally gives up.


BS 42 (Me)
FWH 45
M 23 years
Three Children ages 20, 17, and 8
D-Day 08/10/2004, 7-Year LTA that ended 4 months before D-Day.

Evil never thinks it's evil, it always has a really good reason. ~ Joan of Arcadia, TV Series


Posts: 4558 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Pacific Northwest
TrulyReconciled
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Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow ... it's really amazing to see the gender differences in parenting here.

Your mileage may vary, but I would nip this in the bud the second it happens. No tolerance. The second it happens he goes to his room or other time out space. Tell his teacher what you are doing.

You absolutely won't scar him for life and you'll help him learn self-discipline, which is the best kind.

<eta - "Well, we have talked about this and so now you need to go in the other room and work it out with yourself.">

Perfect!


[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 8:49 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20924 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
damncutekitty
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Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be that he never learned to self-soothe efficiently. So he wails and cries so that people know that he's really upset and maybe will try to soothe him, but at least he will know that people KNOW he's upset.

It's good not to cave every time he pitches a fit, but while he's in his room he could be working on learning appropriate ways to cope.

I was a pretty melodramatic kid, so I can relate. I didn't learn until adulthood that I had poor emotional coping skills, and then had to be in therapy for it. It's not something that comes naturally to all people.



Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49447 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
purplejacket4
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Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 6 year old nephew also does this. He is such an articulate boy about Legos and firemen but he just screams and wails when he's upset. He can't seem to find words to express emotional pain and frustration. We also have to do the "use your words" thing. It also helps to ask him the who, when, what, how questions making him direct his thoughts.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2081 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD almost 7 does the same thing, at home only. I read something recently that suggested you let them know crying is not an age-appropriate way to express your feelings at age 7. Crying at age 7 is for when you fall down and get hurt, or your BFF is mean to you. Not when you don't get your way. That's a 2-year-old's response.

So far this is working on DD, slowly. She busts out crying, I ask her to use her words to say what she is feeling. Which I am learning too, so it's a family focus right now. She'll say, "I'm angry because XYZ." And I use active listening to reflect her feelings back, which often ends the outburst instantly. If it doesn't, I remind her that it's normal to feel sad or angry, but as a 6-year-old, words are the appropriate way to express that. It's my job as a parent to help her develop age-appropriate skills, I told her, and it's no more acceptable for a 6-year-old to cry (at length) when she's angry than for a Kindergartner to be wearing a diaper.

And I try never to give her what she wants if she cries. Not even if she calms right down and asks properly. Later on if she comes back and asks properly, yes. But not in the same setting.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
aLadypilot
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Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son used to cry a lot, as well. He didn't carry on loudly, but definitely didn't have a handle on his emotions. Eventually, towards late elementary school, he decided to get control of his reactions. I think he didn't want to be seen as the boy who cried, anymore? He's 16 now.

So, if nothing else, I think your son will eventually outgrow it.


Divorced 9/2010
Just married 7/4/13

Posts: 4080 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Twin Cities
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