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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Angry at his guilt towards OW
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Suspicious  Posted: 4:25 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night WH and I had a semi-productive and mostly calm conversation. He's still not telling me everything I need to know -- I insist on knowing his pet name for her, for example. I want there to be no in jokes between them that I don't know about. Basically I want to expose everything to the harsh light of reality.

But one of the things he mentioned is that he feels guilty for how he treated the OW. He did treat her badly. From her POV he strung her along for three years and then dropped her once the going got rough. On her birthday. While she's sick with leukemia.

However, I just don't care about his guilt for how he treated her. She knew what she was getting into and isn't an innocent victim. I need him to feel more guilty about how he treated me.

As he put it, he's had three years to think about his guilt regarding what he did to me. This is more recent, and he feels like he "let everybody down." It's infuriating.

At the same time, he's emphatic that he never loved her. In fact, he said that if he were single he doesn't think he would date her. He insists that he loves me and keeps wanting to make future plans with me. In fact he's hurt when I don't want to plan ahead.

Leaving aside the possibility that my WH is just a sociopath, I just bought "Helping Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and have started highlighting relevant passages. I'm hoping as NC continues he snaps out of this fog.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
MartlArts
♀ Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You not wanting him to feel anything (even guilt) towards the OW is understandable. After all, she willingly played a part in your heartbreak.

That being said, if he feels guilty about being the kind of person who can blatantly use/hurt anybody, that's not a bad sign. It's only a problem, IMO, if he wants to break NC to apologize, if he moons over her, if he wants to 'make it up to her'. From what you wrote it doesn't sound like that's the case.

If he doesn't care about her, I think it's ok if part of his remorse is being disgusted with himself for the kind of person he was at the time.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2012
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^^ This doubled ^^^^^^^^^^

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thethreeyearfool, your story is so familiar I had to reread it to make sure my WH wasn't posting trying to trick me.
I am also a 3Y fool. DDay August . WH also said, after DDay, he felt guilty about how he treated her . That he didn't treat her well. At the end she was really putting on the clamps and saying " I lurv U" He said he was trying to end the A months before. He was giving her $, and she became dependent on him. He was then helping her look for a job . With hopes that she would move on. But I discovered the A in the middle of this .
As the days/ weeks went on with us talking he began to realize how she manipulated him. He thought he was in control during the A. But he saw that she actually had power over him and he was the weak one. In talking about the A. He saw that she came for sex and then asked for $. ( I should have done that for the last 19 years. I would b doing quit well!) the " but ILU was her trying to keep the $ coming.

My husband leaves his wallet , phone laying around.
So I asked him about that with her. In the beginning he would say " she wouldn't have gone into my wallet and phone. He now says he caught her at times with her fingers in his wallet or accessing his phone. And now realizes he at times was missing $ and she was accessing personal info on his smart phone. And now seeing that some valuables are missing from his office. He was so in a fog he trusted her.
I have been married over 19 years , I still tell him if I am going in his wallet for $.
So he now feels different towards her and that " thing" they had going. And us now guilty at how he treated me, kids.
So NC and time may chance how he feels.
Other details may take time. I'm still a newbie also . But after time the need to know some details changes. And may not be important to you.
I did start to chuckle today wondering what type of goofy , immature, petting things they said at some selfish moment. This may have made me cry weeks ago. At this time I think how ridiculously embarrassing for a mature grown man.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support and the perspective. I really appreciate it since I don't talk to anybody IRL about this.

NC seems to be in place from what I can tell, and I do think he wanted his double life to be over. Her increasingly hysterical emails suggest that he'd been distancing himself from her even before I found out.

What I'd like to happen is that as NC continues he'll focus less on how he let "everybody" down and more on how he let me down. Hopefully he'll turn some of this guilt into remorse and rebuilding. He needs to fix himself as a person.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 5

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