I'm so sorry. I'm not in a place to offer advice or words of wisdom. The one thing I do know to be true is that you are feeling exactly what you should be feeling. Anyone who has found themselves in a similar situation would feel just like you do right at this moment. You did not ask to be put in a situation where you had to decide to stay or leave your marriage so it's completely understandable that you are feeling ambivalent.
Do you journal? If so, reread what you've written about since DDay to re-evaluate what led to your decision to file. I'm sure you did not make it hastily. I admire your strength and resolve. Be gentle. You've done nothing "wrong."
~~Tao Te Ching
[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 4:07 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
I'm assuming your stbxh knows your feelings but is so wrapped up in himself he isn't going to be there for you. You are making the right decision. If something should change along the way, evaluate that to see if it is what you want.
It sounds like no remorse from your stbxh at all. That in of itself gives you your strength to move forward. Nobody wants to be the only one that feels the love in the relationship, but that is what is going on in yours. You are so strong for moving on. I admire your resolve. You are going to be just fine. Lean on your kids for comfort and good luck!
I'm 5 years out from Dday (31 yr. M) and the emotions that once battered me on oh so many fronts have only subsided in the last 2 years or so. The good news is that there is life out here! You will survive this in time - but do allow yourself to mourn hon. It's okay, and it will be okay!
ABSOLUTELY normal. I am one year out from D-day and four months from filing. Sometimes I feel like I should be "over it," but this does not make sense. My marriage was "only" ten years. Yours was a whopping thirty-five. Do not expect that you should feel any other way at this stage but in pain. You are grieving a terrible loss: the world you knew, the very grounding of your life and expectations, the man whom you never questioned would be your partner for life, with whom you'd grow old.
It's a profound shock to lose all these. And the worst is that he is still there--the person whom you always sought comfort in. But he is not good for you. He committed a terrible crime of the heart--betrayal of the worst sort. I am going through the same roller coaster of emotions and irrational desires (try again, forgive, run to him/her, etc). But these are primal emotions and the roots run deep. Trust your head--beware of your heart at this state. You made the right decision, and a new life awaits all of us.
Strength. Do not cave. Move forward through the pain. One day, one hour, one memory at a time.
This holds true for you no matter which path you travel. It is normal to feel sad, broken, and lonely. It's ok to let out that pain and have yourself a good cathartic boo hoo as well.
But please stop and remind yourself of the why's this is a good thing.
1. You demanded the respect you deserve, and he was incapable of giving it to you. You will no longer be exposed to being disrespected in such a horrible way.
2. He didn't fake trying to make it, you know that he doesn't care, and even though that hurts it's way better than going through months or years of a false R, where you tolerate being treated with less love, respect, and honor than you should.
3. You are setting a great example for your kids. That when a spouse hurts you, disrespects you, that you do not tolerate it, rather you make him give it to you, or you choose your own path to happiness.
You are smart, strong and capable. You will be fine, and a year from now, you will be amazed at how much you have grown.
You can be sad, and that's ok, but please know that you will heal, and you will be awesome. He is the one that will be sad, lonely and broken when you are living your life in a proud strong independent manner.