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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Affair talking or just doesn't love me
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has filed and moved in with her. There is no way to talk him back into the M, so stop trying. The more you try to reach him the more his defenses will shut you out. I would suggest not communicating with him at all. He will wonder why you aren't still pursuing him. Back away totally. You don't need him and you need to show him that. Fake it if you must but don't feed his ego.

Sounds like they started a EA while he was at the farm and it has escalated to a PA. He will lie to cover his guilt and you are the bad guy because he can't face responsibility for his bad behavior.

You won't get any answers from him, so don't ask any more questions. That just pushes him farther away. He can't deal with it so you are the cause of everything. Don't accept that. Become independent, get out with friends, be busy. Don't sit and wait for him because the more you do the more he will resent you.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2901 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Horsegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I am really working on the no contact thing although failing at it. Trying to keep it strictly business as needed.

Does the anger go away? It is like he absolutely hates me and yet he is the one who walked out on me leaving me to pick up the pieces. I am running the farm and the business. He hasn't even asked once about any of it.

He could just be one of those people who run and never look back. I am prepared for that because right now he seems to not be feeling any of it. Especially with her there to protect him from having to feel the loss of a 10yr relationship.

I have tried hard to look at my faults in the marriage. It wasn't always perfect but we were best friends. I didn't see him being unhappy. He said he gave me "chances" and he tried to talk to me. Um, okay really I am not a stupid person and I managed to miss it.


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are going through this Horsegirl. :(

You need to get tested for STD's ASAP! I'd bet this isn't this 24 year old tart's first rodeo.

Everything you have described are red flags for an affair. You're not crazy, it's just your WS is a weak-minded fool that needs to paint you as an evil, vile, disgusting, controlling wife in order to displace the fact he's dumped you (on your birthday, no less) for some 24 year old who only strokes his ego.

Please look into the 180 and focus on YOU! Your WH is being an immature and selfish, cheating prick. Don't let his blame-shifting and guilt mechanisms effect you.

Good luck to you!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't accept "it takes two to end a marriage" or "you're 50% responsible for the breakdown of the marriage."

These truisms are often wrong. One person can be responsible. This is especially true when the marriage is struck, as if by lightning, out of the blue.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8337 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

solus sto is correct. In some instances, a failing marriage isn't 50/50. But, you can't always blame just one person. After all, it takes 2 people to make a marriage. But, she is right - it can only take one to wreck a marriage. I was blindsided too. I never saw anything that would make me suspect that my WS was anything other than a "little depressed". That's all I thought it was. None of our friends noticed it either. But, some husbands do show signs and some wives just don't see it. I received a letter over 2 years ago telling me my WS was having an affair - we knew it was someone just pulling a cruel prank on us. Wow, how gullible can one person be.....I was just that gullible. Don't ever think this is your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 924 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband is cheating, which puts him in a bind. He either has to face that he is treating your horribly or change his perception to make it your fault. It's how cheaters live with what they do. They re-write marital history to accommodate their need to not face what they are doing.

It's not your fault. Time for the 180. I'm so sorry.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2010
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drop your hubby and go for his AP's ex if you get along. At least to have some emotional support. I bet that will really piss them both off.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 920 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Horsegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do wonder if there were signs and I missed them. I talked about that in counseling tonight. Could have I really missed him being unhappy and not in love with me.


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Horse girl....

Could have I really missed him being unhappy and not in love with me.

Hon...probably you didn't miss a thing...its all bullshit...cheaters will rewrite the marital history to justify their actions...accept this as a trait of cheaters....another one is they are liars...at this point in my FWWs (former wayward wifes) affair....I didn't believe a damn thing she said....and you don't need to believe your WH (wayward husband)...

As others have stated above - "this is NOT your fault"....you didn't do anything....you didn't cause him to make a decision to cheat....you have zero blame in all this...

Have you read the "healing library"? Its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen...please do...and yes, the whole thing....it contains a wealth of information about affairs...the dynamics of them, the thought processes of cheaters...and strategies for you go get past this...with without him...

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Horsegirl,

I'm willing to bet that he was happy and in love with you until OW came on the scene. When he started an inappropriate relationship with her, he hid it from you. He most likely denied it to himself--"We're just friends." As they got closer, and started crossing lines, he either had to admit to himself that he was being an asshole or blame someone else for his behavior. If he were a stable, decent man, he would have said, "Horsegirl, you have been an awesome wife and partner and you're my best friend. There is something deeply wrong with me because I am cheating on you. I need serious help to figure out why I would do something so hurtful, selfish and stupid."

But people who will cheat on the spouse that they've promised to honor and cherish are not emotionally healthy. They are weak and immature. They are capable of all kinds of tricks: denying reality, justifying whatever they want, shifting blame to other people, and escaping from their responsibilities. In my experience, H learned those tricks from his parents. To this day, his mom insists that his dad was not an alcoholic (the man would regularly drink a fifth and H dragged his passed-out body in off the lawn every night as a kid).

Even if you had seen signs of the affair, you wouldn't have been able to stop your WH. You can't control another person. He was going to fuck up his life because something is broken in him. You might have seen signs of this brokenness, but some waywards are masters of disguise and appear whole and healthy.

He's using the anger to push you away so he doesn't have to face what he's doing. He can't access his empathy for you right now or he would implode with pain. (This is assuming that he was fully capable of empathy before the A.) So he's not really hearing you or seeing you--he's blocked the real you out and replace her with some fictional scapegoat wife. The fact that he can basically deny the existence of the person who he is most intimate with in this world is disturbing to say the least.

It is great that you are in counseling. Remember that he did not have an affair because he wasn't in love with you. That's bullshit. He had an affair because he has poor boundaries, low self-worth and little ability to evaluate his actions honestly. Either that or he's got a personality disorder or a mental illness.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..((((((Horsegirl))))))

just be glad you didn't have children with him.

Consider yourself lucky that you still have lots of future and opportunities to move forward with your life. You may not realize it now but you dodged a bullit here.

take control of "YOUR" life and make this just a learning experience.. now you are older and wiser. You are now in a position to look at relationships with more insight.

..as Uncle Si just said on Duck Dynasty: "Hey Jack, you can't fix stupid!"

take good care of you! leave this 'boy' in your dust!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got much of the same stuff. Married freaking 28 Years with 2 kids! He hadn't loved me in 9 months. He was miserable. He'd done so much for me all for me and none of it was good enough...on and on. All his unhappiness was my fault. I was horrible person. I had no idea he was so unhappy. Hurts like and will for months. I agree with the others. Do the 180. Let him go, let him had his divorce, protect yourself and your own assets, keep the farm if you can and if you love it. Let him go and focus on you. It is harder once you spend a lot of years and have kids with them and then they pull this crap. Hes talking typical affair language.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a book on cd-- and I got the book, too, save my life from this hell you are in! It is called Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James. Dobson. He says to 180, be strong, show them you are a person who WILL be respected and not walked on. He says to move on with your life and when you do, it is basically THE ONLY TIME he ever sees the WS wake up! He says the waywards are lost in an addiction that we didn't see coming. They have also talked themselves into thinking they were trapped.

I had to go outpatient at a counseling center for 2 weeks because it overwhelmed me. I learned that there were several women in my group for the same reason!!!! OMG!!! Our spouses basically walked out on children, friends, families, and didn't see anything wrong with that!!! OMG!

Please get everything you can in your D -- he will probably give you alot. Get what you can because this is reality. Once he wakes up from the affair you can do something different, but if he has no consequences for this affair, what's to stop him from doing the same thing to you again or the next wife?

((((horsegirl))))


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1977 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone on this site told me this in those dark, early days of D DAY..

They said, a normal person would have said,"I'm not happy, let's go to a counselor to see IF our marriage can be saved." THen, after 6 months of trying to save the marriage, they would have divorced us.. THEN, they would give themselves 6 months to separate one relationship from the other.
THEN, they would look for someone new.

Our spouses began dating WHILE THEY WERE STILL MARRIED! No normal person does this.

It is not your fault. You cannot control him, you can't "cure" him, because you didn't "cause" this......


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1977 | Registered: Jan 2012
LMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell the OWs husband about the affair.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others told you, your WH is blame shifting so that he can justify his own horrible actions..

Be wary and protect your rights, see a lawyer to find out just what your rights are...It is bad enough that you were blindsided emotionally..
The sudden nature of what your WH did stinks and I am suspicious that there may have been some foul play on his part with the marital assets or maybe the OW is pregnant..

I would definitely get tested for STD's.

Don't let people judge you...

People will be judgmental because they are scared that the very same thing can happen to them and turn their lives upside down..

Any body can be blindsided, many liars are very very good at what they do namely lie...

Your WH's behavior is not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent this..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with DoggieDiva. You said he filed for D. Get a lawyer ASAP and I mean yesterday.

Don't try to analyze this right now. You cannot analyze stupid.

Protect yourself first. Take care of yourself. One day, one minute at a time.


Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2010
Horsegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have a good lawyer! I was broken when he left but since he said he was filing I made sure I got a lawyer. We do own a nice farm so now I have to figure out how to refinance in my name.

Do they always deny the affair? I guess that is why I wasn't sure if it was an affair because both of them deny it. Ow boyfriend seems to have his head in the sand and thinks they are just friends..,,right. My hubby is active duty military so I did tell his higher ups but I don't have proof or a confession. Harder when they live together,

I just know they go everywhere together, text each other all day and he was seen driving her car with her. I don't consider that normal friend behavior. He can't be too public about it because military would frown upon it.

I found it odd that he told me on a Saturday, then good sex and promise of counseling on Sunday to coming home on my birthday and leaving me. A normal guy who has just been unhappy doesnt do that on your birthday.

He also went straight to divorce. No wanting to work on things. I got comments like you had your chances, it shouldn't have taken me leaving for you to be a better partner, I was suffering, I did everything for you, this is about me, I don't love you, I haven't loved you, I don't like you, you were a bad wife, yOu didn't emotionally support me, you controlled me, I did talk to you, you did know we had problems, etc.

He said he let things build until he began to hate me but wouldn't I have sensed that? We still were spending all our time together and having sex. He was acting normal. We had went to the beach with this couple and other places. All seemed normal.

Normally he is the nicest most caring person. He always cared and went out of his way to do anything for me. Maybe he did just resent that? I never asked he just did things for me because I thought he cared. Last I saw him (he had to fix a pipe) he was so cold and wouldn't let me touch him and would barely look at me. When I asked why we couldn't work on the marriage he said because he didn't like me as a person and my personality isn't what he wanted, everything about me turned him off. So crazy.

Up until he left we ran our horse business in addition to our regular jobs and were doing great. I have good reputation, am respected and well liked. Why all of a sudden just hate me? Maybe he always hated me.


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Horsegirl, believe it or not, that is how many people act when they are secretly having sex with someone else. My H was a sweet, caring, understanding guy until he kissed OW. He suddenly became cold to the point of cruel. When they started having sex, he actually told me that there was nothing good about our marriage. A loving, happy, 12 year marriage.

What your WH is doing is emotional abuse. Get mad, go completely NC, and think about posting in separation/divorce. There are other posters there whose spouse "poofed" (disappeared to live with AP) and who denied the affair (cowardly liars).


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to fight the mindtrip with logic. He never loved you? -- but married you? Never happy - but vacations and lovemaking...?

So, either he was lying and faking it and he used you this whole time - or he is messed up in the head. Okay - either way is messed up!!! And either way the problem is him!! And either way - he is showing you who he is! (right now at least).

So you controlled him and made all the decisions...? And those decisions worked out quite well! Might be interesting to see what he can manage on his own - eh? Oh wait his decision is to run away with someone else's gf. Look, I don't care if you were the worst wife on the planet - you don't treat even her this way, (nor do you go off on vacation with her first) unless you are one selfish ass.

I agree with ALL the others. He is using anything you say to blameshift, twist and shape his internal narrative to support this shitty behavior. So go dark!! Say nothing!! Call a plumber and deduct the business expense! He'll do one of two things: he may well keep lying and running, or he may stop and pull his head out of his ass. Don't hold your breath though...

But know this: given his current path any contact with you he will use (even your pain) to justify his actions. Reread the responses you've gotten, say nothing to him at all. You can not reason with crazy.

And back to logic for a sec... you don't leave am "active" M for a platonic friendship! Utter bs - this was a PA (I'd bet the farm on it!!!)


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
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