He and family closest to me said that it was just porn. He wasn't cheating. We have kids and bills and have invested nearly half of our lives together. In other words, stop being nosey. A man is going to be a man.
Fast forward about a year. Something didn't feel right. Intuition, I suppose, lead me to view his history again on his tablet. This was about a week ago. I found porn, of course, but what really upset me was that he had created a profile on an online dating site. Upon further investigation, I discovered that he didn't go through with activating the account that he created. But, what was really upsetting is the fact that the site asks why you would like to join. To chat, start a relationship, etc. His answer on his profile was that he was seeking a discreet affair.
We had a huge blow up. I left the house. Got into the car and drove for miles. Reached out to those closest to me and got the same response as in the past. It's just porn... Do you have proof that he actually cheated? NO? Then what is the problem? I'm so confused, hurt and angry right now. I give my all to our family and try to satisfy my H in every way, but I feel that I'm living in fear not love with him because I'm afraid that if I don't perform intimately up to par because I'm tired from housework or taking care of our kids that he'll stray. Is what he doing okay for a Married man? Or am I the problem? Serene
A man is going to be a man.
What a load of absolute crap.
I am ashamed to admit that before I found out I often was one of those who didn't understand. I felt sorry for BWs but deep down wondered what they had done to cause the WH to cheat.
Until it happens to you, you just don't get it. Forget talking to others who haven't experienced it. They don't get it and can't help you.
So - what to do? Firstly. Forget what others say. They don't know. Don't talk to them. They will give you bad advice. Come here. To seek the counsel of those who know.
As for your WH he is a selfish deluded prick. He is in fantasy land.
The BEST thing you can do at this moment is kick him out.
Tell him that if his whores and his sexual fantasies matter more to him than his wife and children that he should leave. That you live in the real world. That you want a partner who is always there for you and that you offer the same to him. Tell him that you want a real husband who will be there through the highs and lows. A man. Someone honest. Someone with integrity. Not a little boy who is led around by his dick.
I know that sounds harsh but he has to choose. He has to choose you. And you have to draw a line in the sand.
On dday I told my FWH he could go to his whores. I said "They can have you. I don't want the man you are now. You are nothing to me."
I phoned OW3 and said "He is all yours. He has been f...ing you me and OW2 all at the same time. You're welcome to him".
There is a saying here on SI "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it".
If you kick him out he may never come back. He may go off and screw God knows how many others.
My questions to you:
"If this is the type of man he is, do you really want to keep him?"
"Do you want to live the rest of your life with a man who puts his own selfish desires before his family?"
Finally. No matter what anyone ever says nothing he did is your fault. Nothing. There is NEVER an excuse for cheating. He had so many other options and the cowards way out is to go behind your back. If life was so bad with you he could have told you. If life was so bad with you he could have left you. He could have divorced you. Instead he chose the coward's way out. Sneaking around behind your back.
Take care. Stay strong.
Is what he doing okay for a Married man?
No! Sadly we are told that it is 'normal' for a man to view porn. I don't believe this to be true and nowadays porn isn't limited to a magazine or DVD, it's live and 'interactive'. Worse yet you had told you husband previously that his viewing habit upset you and he STILL participated, disregarding your feelings. So no, it's not okay.
.. he had created a profile on an online dating site.
Last I heard married men did not seek out girlfriends. Even if he didn't activate his profile, the setting up of it is absolutely not okay. How would he feel if the situation was reversed?
You are not 'the' problem. I hope you have discovered your H at the tip of a slippery slope. Read from the library (links at the top left of the website), continue to read and post on the forums. I think you and your H need to discuss acceptable boundaries within your marriage.
Good luck Serene.
I engaged in the use of porn...have since puberty. I thought it normal for decades.
This past year I have done a 180 on it.
A book that clearly and absolutely changed my life was Every Mans Battle by Steve Arterburn. If your husband is seeking help from this damaging cycle you might suggest he get it and read it.
DONT get it for him. This, like all sin, needs to be addressed by the one committing the sin.
The very first step is admitting it IS sin.
I could write a lot more on this...but I will leave you with this.
I have led a porn-free life for not quite a year....and I feel so very different. It is as if I can breath again, feel whole again....this is why I know it is sin.
In addition to this good feeling, I am left with a deep sadness of how foolish I was for decades. How could I have been so blind for so long. Even when I decided it was sin, that it was damaging me an all of my relationships, my wife was not as quick to denounce it. Granted, at the time my wife was still in AP withdrawal...so she really didn't care much about my journey....but our pre-A marriage had us both viewing porn.
While not adultery in the classic definition, it hurts intimacy severely....I own that now. I am sorry every day for the damage I did to my M, to my wife by my use of porn.
I know you spoke of online dating services....and that I just responded to the porn aspect....but I can only speak out from personal experience from the porn aspect of your post.
I have a real concern about the children of today. Back when I got into porn I had to sneak into dads chest in his closet to view it....then I had to feel like a criminal to buy some at a book store......now it is free and can be accessed with cheap mobile devices. I have puberty aged nephews and worry how much quicker they will be fed this terrible habit. I have daughters and worry about them as well....seems to be more of a boy issue than a girl issue...but my girls will date boys who have this easy access to porn. How can it not warp them like it did me?
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:50 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
People here are much wiser than me, so listen to the advice here. If you aren't comfortable with it then he shouldn't be doing it IMO. If he's hiding it that makes it even worse IMO. When it starts effecting sex it's a HUGE deal. Just my thoughts. GL
He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to be the end of us.
It's not a little harmless porn. Anyone who says that is rug sweeping.
My SAWH also did the sign up then cancel, then the next time he signed up and stayed for a few weeks. Each time they push their own boundaries a little further. It starts with flirting, then getting numbers, then dating, then an A.
"If I got away with this, then I can get away with that."
We are doing well in recovery, and even though he is totally aware how wrong prostitutes were, he still doesn't get how viewing porn is wrong.
It is banned in our house now. At first I told him if he told me he viewed it, or I caught him (fat chance) that that would be a deal breaker for me. Now since he is remorseful, our deal is that he will tell me and we will try to figure out why he has to view it. He says it's for the excitement.
I am disappointed that he still doesn't get the fact that it is wrong, but I am hopeful that he will try to respect my wishes to not view it.
I think that as in Singapore, where it is banned, that I wish it was like that here.
It seems my H would lie like a rug and deny deny deny like he's done in the past about other things. How do you tell an addict that they are an addict? You can't can you?
Laura28 : First, I am sorry you have been through so much. You deserve love and so much more. But your reply gave me strength and your questions to me have opened my eyes. Thank you.
Ostrich80: Thanks for the support. Love and blessings to you.
vivere: You're right. Thank you for the advice.
Blakesteele: Thank you for your perspective. I think its beautiful that you turned around your life for GOD, your wife, yourself. I will suggest the book to my husband.
Sleepy, Steadfast, Womaninflux, Kickedinthegut, and Letitout:
I am sorry that you all have been there too, but thanks so much for letting me know that I'm not alone and for the comments and support.
I truly feel better. Stronger. Encouraged. I will turn to my faith, love my children, read more to help myself to heal. Hopefully help another if they find themselves sadly in the same situation. GOD bless.
How to tell him, I don't know as I'm also watching his spiral but have yet to say a word. I dobt know how to bring it up either so I'm anxiously awaiting the wise ones to post on that subject...confrontation.
I think you need to have a "calm" talk with your H why he set up a profile on a dating site. Maybe there is something which could easily be worked out. The best place to have this discussion is in MC (a third party to keep everyone cool and rational).
^^^ All of this is actually normal for men. In fact, your H is still at the amateur end of the spectrum. If he is not a good husband and you are looking for a reason to kick him to the curb, then you have that reason. Kick away. But if he is a good husband in most other respects and just wants to look at naughty pictures on occasion, then you have to ask yourself what you are really trying to accomplish. Most men do not see porn as being disrespectful. I know we should, but we do not. Saying that porn is disrespectful is like saying that a woman's vibrator is disrespectful. Or that the arm of the couch is disrespectful. We know that women hump everything in the house that isn't nailed down when we are away. You hump the corners of tables for goodness sake. Men do not have a problem with our partners sitting on top of the dryer while doing a large load of towels. You may nitpick and claim that your private moments are more civilized than ours. I would agree. That is because... I like clean towels. I am thinking... God bless her horny little soul, we have clean linens. If porn sites gave frequent flyer miles, you would be smiling all the way to Hawaii for the holidays.
Anyway, I hate to think that there may be some good marriages out there that are being subjected to mobs with pitchforks and torches.
[This message edited by LeopoldB at 7:37 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
Those who are able to keep porn in context, perhaps use it to spice things up in the context of a healthy relationship, are NOT those who secretly engage in interactive pornographic encounters with paid sex workers or seek sexual relationships on Adult Friend Finders or sites of its ilk.
When used the way your husband uses it, pornography erects enormous barriers to emotional intimacy. Worse, for some, emotional intimacy requires too much maturity, or empathy, or just plain effort. The "easy way"---porn, phone sex, sexting, hookers, strippers, ONSs, AFF hookups (or other sexual acting out that requires no real investment)--becomes preferable to an emotionally intimate sexual relationship with a real woman.
In your shoes, I'd be concerned that's where your husband is headed. He's showing the signs.
And no matter what your family tells you: once you start the interactive stuff with real people and setting up dating profiles, looking for real-life partners, it IS cheating.
^^^ All of this is actually normal for men. In fact, your H is still at the amateur end of the spectrum. If he is not a good husband and you are looking for a reason to kick him to the curb, then you have that reason. Kick away. But if he is a good husband in most other respects and just wants to look at naughty pictures on occasion, then you have to ask yourself what you are really trying to accomplish. Most men do not see porn as being disrespectful. I know we should, but we do not. Saying that porn is disrespectful is like saying that a woman's vibrator is disrespectful. p
porn my ws looks at is disrespectful to me . It's not naughty pix, its sick shit. I didn't care about looking at nude women, wasn't a big deal but its no longer just pix. I don't need to go into graphic detail but it makes me uncomfortable knowing he's interested in what he looks at hrs a day. It is disrespectful when he would rather jack off then have sex with his wife who by the way is not repulsive or frigid.
I suppose a vibrator might be disrespectful too a husband if a wife layed around all day blowing through batteries and ignoring any needs he may have.
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:47 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
We know that women hump everything in the house that isn't nailed down when we are away. You hump the corners of tables for goodness sake.
Ok before I get myself into trouble, I'll get back to my purpose for coming to this thread, to support Serenestorm.
Your instincts have been correct all along. Those alarm bells going off in your head, are to be trusted.
As Solus put it, the progression from "just" porn to signing up for a dating site, is the problem.
Your WS appears to be on the path, like many many are, and have been. I also am in complete agreement that the interactive porn activity is cheating.
I am sad to hear that you live in fear of him straying if you don't live up to his expectations. It will be impossible to live up to images and porn videos. You deserve to be valued as a wife, mother, and partner.
I am hoping that the more time you spend reading here, and learning, that you will gather your strength and your resolve. I pray that instead of living in fear you will find that you are enough. Realize and BELIEVE that the problem is not with your shortcomings, but in the false expectations that your WS has created by separating sex from the intimacy of a loving monogamous relationship.
Sorry to find you here among us. You will find a great deal of support here.
..this is very disturbing to me.
..living in fear.. and ..if I don't perform he'll...
you are not his circus monkey.. you cannot be his porno-sex object and call it a loving marriage!
..and about him being just a man.. ???? he's being anything but!!!
..and his behaviour shows it. He sounds obsessed with porn-sex and dominating you to meet those porn driven sexual appetite.. and you are forced to deliver!!??
..FTG!!!! is he meeting ANY of your needs here??
come on and get a grip on reality.. he's using you. time to pull the plug on this asshole.. you deserve way better than this pervert.
get your shit together and show him the door unless you're content to be his used and abused sex toy.
[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:44 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]