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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Its d day
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you want to better your chance that this will go no further?

Tell his wife. It does not matter that you implied that you wouldn't.

Besides, what if the table was turned and his wife knew...would you want her to let you know or would you prefer to be left in the dark?


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Moken

I do understand your reasons/concerns for not telling the BS.

However, consider this.

My FWH started 24 or so years ago. Who really knows?

I KNOW he had several LTAs (Long term affairs). One lasted for EIGHT YEARS!!!!!

These are the ones I know about. I suspect there were many more.(Read my profile).

At the age of 54 I discovered this.

I had been married for 28 years and KNOW he started cheating when we had been married for only about 4 years.

Discovering what he had been doing devastated me. Totally destroyed me. I will never be the person I was before dday.

During the affairs years I lost both my parents after awful illnesses and found out that both of my children have chronic debilitating life-threatening illnesses.

NOTHING has given me more sleepless nights than my FWH's betrayal.

Everything else I have been able to cope with.

Now I know, FWH is trying to be the model husband.

But he took my life.

He took my chance to have a real marriage. I can't imagine that I will ever be able to forgive or forget.

At my age (57) starting again is an awful thought.

If someone had told me all those years ago. If only......

Maybe he would have woken up. I really believe he would have. Instead he learnt that he could get away with it. Again and again and again.

Maybe I would have left him and found a real husband.

I don't know and I never will.

I wasn't given the chance.

In my opinion, this man will find another willing woman to cheat on his poor wife with.

Do you really want that?

As well, if she knows, you have another set of eyes on them. She will be watching her WH and you two can become allies.

Please tell her. Give her a chance.

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moken

I have sent you a pm.

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moken...I did the same thing for months. I told her that if she came near my husband again I would tell her long-term boyfriend. Eventually, I wanted to tell...but had to wait for my own ethical reason till the rage and need for revenge passed. 5 or 6 months later I sent him a message from FB. It was the right moral thing to do. In the end, if it goes underground...her eyes will help you to keep them exposed. It also sends a clear message about where you stand on cheating. Do the crime...pay the time.

So glad they don't work together. Things will be so much easier that way.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your stated rationale for not telling the BS is that is your tool to keep the OM away from your wayward. That thinking is flawed and bassackwards.

The VERY STRONG consensus here is the exact opposite. Disclosure will keep him away and burying it will allow it to go underground. Others will chip in to detail their experiences that support the consensus. Please listen to them.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, tell the other BS as soon as possible. No need to keep it in your hip pocket. Show them you mean business.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a moral obligation to tell the OM's wife. She is living a lie and is unknowingly being taken advantage of by her husband. How can you in good conscience allow that to continue?


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take your time and make no quick decisions to reconcile. You have not verified that the affair has not gone physical. All you have is your cheating wife's word. The word of a cheat and liar.

Verify, gather intel, and then make your decisions accordingly. Do not be quick to forgive her. Make her earn your forgiveness by showing you her remorse and contrition and a commitment to rebuilding the marriage.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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