Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Purple2985 (45323)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Navigating the holidays...
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember my first Thanksgiving and Christmas after dday.

They were so painful. I sat through Thanksgiving dinner praying to make it through without blowing snot all over the Turkey.

By Christmas I was in a bit of a pissed off mood. I had intended on taking the highroad and buying his gifts so there would be normalcy in the house on Christmas day. While wrapping his gifts I got pissed and said fuck that. On Christmas day I took his presents, all unwrapped and in a pile and dropped them on his lap. HE spent Christmas trying not to blow snots on the tree.

So my point in this post is here we go, the holidays are coming. I thought it would help the newer folks to share some of our "lessons learned" and tips for getting through them.

I will start with the biggest lesson I learned.

STAY AWAY FROM THE OPEN BAR!!

Free drinks = blubbering, non-sense making, look like an idiot BS.

Seriously, alcohol and extreme emotions don't mix. I would watch the intake during the holidays.

Anyone else have any words of wisdom???

How did you make it through? Did you have any tricks to stay sane (ha)? What mistakes did you make?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how it's going to go.

WH contacted a prostitute last year on Xmas eve day while I was at work. Who does that? He wasn't able to see her, I guess she didn't call/text back. Gee, I guess that even whores are busy on Xmas eve.

I can't imagine that I won't be preoccupied with that thought this year. I work in retail so I know I'll be working that day. There's no chance I wouldn't be. Even though I don't think he would "go there" this year (and hopefully ever again), it's going to be on my mind big time.

He's already shown me what he wants to get me for Xmas this year. It's a piece of jewelry. Even though it's ok, I just can't see getting into any kind of Christmas spirit this year. I think that going to his niece's house for Xmas dinner will be fine. I think I can do that. But Xmas eve is going to be a problem.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think firsts after dday are all difficult, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's supposed to be such a happy family time at a point where you wonder what happened to your family.

I really think, after having been through it, having a plan in place would have helped. Knowing a few hints or tricks to get through the day(s).

Can your H swing by xmas eve while you are working? Bring you dinner? Just seeing him come by may bring some peace to the night.

Talk to him and let him know what you think you may need. Maybe you can have a sign for him if you are at a gathering and need to escape for a minute?

It's definitely a difficult season. Hang in there.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My recommendation is do only what you feel like doing. Don't force yourself to participate in something that will make you miserable such as office parties, etc.

This holiday will be different. Instead of trying to keep the "traditions" (our first year empty nesters also} we created some new traditions. To try to spend some time together in R we both did the Christmas baking together. Four years later, we are working on our shopping list, he will do the shopping and we will continue to bake together. In some ways it reminds me of the "why" we are doing it, however, it feels good to spend the time together. It is a new tradition, but helped us make it through the first Christmas.

I agree with avoiding the alcohol!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1642 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can your H swing by xmas eve while you are working? Bring you dinner? Just seeing him come by may bring some peace to the night.

Oh, thanks for the suggestion. But I'll be getting done by 6 pm. The store would close then. He used to see the prostitutes during the morning or afternoons while I was at work. Anyway, our new rule is pretty much that he goes NOWHERE while I'm at work. I check the odometer on his car before I leave and when I get home.

Although I think R is going well for the most part, I guess I'd worry he could switch to in-call prostitutes. :-(


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to get so excited about Thanksgiving and now I am dreading it. Thank god we're not hosting this year -- I'm not sure if I could handle it.

My MIL, who has been extremely supportive of me and who I love very much, let me know that my BIL and his wife will be hosting this year. She has promised that everybody will try to be normal and there will be no talk of the A.

Honestly I do want to see my IL's because they are the only family I have in town. But it's still tough knowing that most likely everybody in the room knows about the A. BIL waits tables while he's in school and WH incredibly stupidly took OW out to the restaurant where his BIL works. He introduced her as a coworker, but what married man takes a female "coworker" out to dinner alone to one of the trendiest places in town on a Saturday night?

They apparently never spoke of it after that night. I always wondered why we didn't ever go to dinner at that restaurant and WH let me assume that he thought it would be awkward to have his brother be his waiter.

As a result, OW believed that WH's brother knew about and approved of the A. So when I read words to that effect in one of her emails on D-Day I was livid and told my MIL that my BIL may have known. MIL spoke with BIL and says that all he knew was that WH showed up at the restaurant with "some dumpy blonde" who he introduced as a "coworker".

I'm so angry at WH for putting his brother in that position, but I'm so angry at him about everything really. I would suspect BIL discussed this with his wife, so I predict awkwardness.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take care of yourself. If you don't want to go to the big family dinner, don't. If you don't want to go caroling, don't.

We always drive to a friend's place for Thanksgiving. Every year. Should not have done it in 2011 (dday in feb 2011, lots of fog for many months). I was NOT good company, and I know our friends were very uncomfortable with the anger radiating out of me; my DS was embarrassed, poor kid. Should have stayed home, DH should have done all the cooking. I knew it, but told myself that everyone was counting on us continuing the tradition.

Don't do that. Take care of yourself instead.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been many years but I still clearly remember the first few holiday seasons and the feelings that went with it.

I agree with karmahappens that avoiding alcohol is a really good idea. Dont even have one glass of wine or a single beer. Because 1 leads to 2. And 2 leads to becoming a blubbering mess.

Also. Just try and take the pressure off your self. This wont be like a normal holiday even tho you will try and make it seem so. You will desperately want the holidays to be normal because you are wanting your old life back so much. But that life is gone forever.

So just coast thru as much as you can. Keep your expectations low. Go thru the motions and try to keep your emotions in check.

Also. Dont expect any grand gesture by your WS. Either as a gift or as words of love or anything like that. Your WS likely does not know what to do or what is expected. And many like my WW will then opt to do nothing. Altho this is a great opportunity for a WS to step forward and start working on the M and possibly R. Many dont.

Also. If you are one to send xmas cards. Dont. Or just find a box of generic cards you can sign your name to and send out in mass. Hallmark doesnt make cards for us.

Just be gentle with your self. Your emotions will be all over the place. Take one day or one hour or one minute at a time and you will get thru it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm lucky in a sense. Thanksgiving is 11 months after D-Day, so I had recovered some. I'm also unlucky in a sense, like so many others. Thanksgiving was right in the middle of the fucking affair, and W was both terrified of being outed by ow and totally involved in keeping ow in her corner.

So Thanksgiving is a giant trigger for me in itself. We drive 900 miles one way to be with my Mom, son, DIL, GS, a few cousins, and my brother. Even so, it was a giant trigger in 2011 and 2012, and it's shaping up that way for 2013.

D-Day was 3 days before Christmas, and we're Jewish anyway, so it's a day of rest for us. It snowed Christmas Eve here in 2010, and we had a nice walk and hot chocolate, IIRC, at a local, non-chain coffee shop. IIRC, we even saw a great kid about our GS's age and talked to the mom and grandmother while sipping our drinks. Nice memory.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:32 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They werent the first holidays after DD. They were during and long drawn out. H said he knew we were in serious trouble when he woke me at 5:00 am and reminded me to start the turkey. I said F*** Thanksgiving. He was so afraid I was going to lose it, all day. I didnt eat anything. Its still uncomfortable. I accept it will never be super great. BUt..... I did redecorate the living room, got a different tree. I bought new table and dishes for Thanksgiving.(Over this past year). My D has been sending pics of tables, set similiar with our stuff. H has volunteered to make a dish he saw on tv. Every one is chipping in with ideas. I have even made a few tweaks to menu. I will have sad moments, but I feel like I have moved forward and keep moving forward. I also have plans for the deep winter blue days. Just acknowledge, make plans, even small ones, and carry on. I prefer to travel now on holidays. It allows me to not really have one. (oTHER TRAVELS can be edgy,you pick your pain at holidays) EVen tho I know things will never be the same, its been very hard to see exactly what they are going to be. It has lifted my holiday spirits to get different things. I tend to remember the objects I had around me while in despair. They are reminders of that dark time. Its been 5 yrs. We looking forward to this holiday more, then we have in 5 yrs. Not great. But moving forward. And I love my dishes and my kids.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 938 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mu husband was in an affair during Christmas and I suspect contacted her that day. I'll never know.
But, with grown children, it's the only time we're all together so THAT'S what I'll be thinking about. I'm sure it'll be tough - I didn't send out Christmas card last year for the first time ever - but the 2nd time around - I think I'll just be glad we're all together.
We'll plan lots of stuff - cooking, a Breaking Bad marathon, football watching...

I can't wear the necklace he gave me that year - our intials in Tiffany charms... I still have it and look at in on occasion but it's ruined for me now.
I made him something homemade that year and when I found out about the affair I cut it up. I felt bad about it so made him another one for Valentine's day - then he had an affair in April. So, that one is on the wall in the spare bedroom and when I was in there last night I could barely stand to look at it.
YET - it says the word LOVE, written in buttons. love is important, I still love him, no matter what happens. So, there it is. Just like my wedding ring. I won't get a new one - because (for now) we have stayed together in good times AND in bad.
There are times and places and events that are part of my life - the bad part - but yet they still have meaning... I guess that doesn't make sense... but that's why I won't give up Christmas to anyone... no matter what happens.. That day had meaning - even if he WAS in an affair - part of him was with us that day - maybe he took three seconds to send a text - I can't let that ruin the entire holiday for me - so I hope I can be joyful for myself..

[This message edited by rachelc at 1:08 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5246 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last Thanksgiving was less than three months after dd.
I was still numb at Christmas. I could barely keep it together but I didn't want to ruin it for the family.

WH criticised me that I seemed a bit distant and that I didn't really get him much in the way of gifts. He bought me a couple of his go-to gifts that I haven't touched since (in fact, I handed them back to him in the gift bag the next morning) but it all looked good to the family on Christmas.
I had also put myself out there emotionally and physically for him on Christmas Eve -lowering my protection wall and being vulnerable. (wearing nothing except a red bow and red stilettos is pretty vulnerable) Trying to indicate interest in R was my intended gift. Apparently, it wasn't considered enough.

His criticism, after he detonated our life with infidelity, and after the night before, started a second round of death spiral in me that I haven't pulled out of even now.
Yeah, great, the holidays...


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont expect any grand gesture by your WS. Either as a gift or as words of love or anything like that. Your WS likely does not know what to do or what is expected

Ohhh Razor, this is so true!

I think on Christmas day I expected a shift, an aha moment, clarity.

It didn't come and I was disappointed. I think it really started my F you mood for the day...

Ugh, Holdays can bring so much pressure. If there is a time to ever let things be, this is it!

(((hugs))) to everyone struggling through the season.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More HUGS to everyone for the holidays.

For me, I started finding out stuff my huusband was doing this time of year.

I just try to focus on other things. I try really hard to GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to take a break from the pain and constantly thinking about infidelity related stuff. (There will always be plenty of time later to deal with that shit, right?)

Also, if Christmas is important to your faith - focusing on that is VERY helpful.

I know - easier said than done.

But it does help me.

Here is hoping everying can find their own way through the holidays.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:23 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Emotionalhell
♀ Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling through the holidays . My kids are the only
Family I have .
I also filed for divorce the day before Thanksgiving .
I'm not even sure what my plans are this Thanksgiving.

I have been triggering due to my marriage ending & this is the same time of year I found out my fiancé was cheating.:(

I have got to remember it's just a trigger.


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 15

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.