Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Mustang1962 (44220)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Flip-flopping on a daily basis
Survivor9582
♀ Member
Member # 41388
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had an emotional affair with a former co-worker. I discovered it when our cell phone minutes ran over and her number showed up an average of 4000 texts and 20 hours of calls over a few months. I confronted him, and he insisted she was s friend only. She is also married and I doubt her husband has any idea. My husband left me in September and our three children (6,5&5)and we have some contact with him but its usually forced. We do not know where he lives and his work schedule is always a mystery. He started therapy to combat issues from his childhood but refuses to go to therapy to work on our relationship. I am also in therapy because if all this but I feel I am floundering due to the lack of motivation from him. I wrote him a 'cease contact' letter the other day, telling him while I'm willing to give him time to heal himself, I will not do that unless he has no contact with her. He has asked to have some time to think and discuss with his therapist. If he says no, I will move towards a divorce. If he says yes, I will commit to work on the marriage and give him time. I feel he has already made up his mind and I am heartbroken for myself and my children, who have a father only in name. Any support or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


Me:BW-42
Him:WH-40 (EA)
He left when confronted with the EA, refuses to talk about it, but cannot give me answers to my questions because he "doesn't know" anything.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Survivor. I am so sorry you have found yourself here. I wish I could tell you things will get easier, but most likely they are going to get harder first. The main thing you need to keep in mind is none of this is your fault. He made his own decisions. You can't make him do the right thing. It sounds like there is more to the story that you don't know. Which means you need to take care of you right now. Especially with the kids to care for too.

Go to the healing library. That has helped me a lot. Keep posting when you need to. There are amazing people here who are all at different stages of this horrible journey.

(((Hugs)))


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Survivor,
Sorry you are going through this.

She is also married and I doubt her husband has any idea.

The very first thing I would do is tell her husband. He deserves to know what his wife is doing.

Hugs to you.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes my friend, tell her husband. At the very least he deserves to know that his wife is not being faithful. This could also bring your H out of this ridiculous fantasy would that he is in. Then you can tell if there is any hope for your future.

It pains me to see young mothers (or anyone) in this kind of pain. I wish this were not happening to you but since it is you have come to the right place. There are many caring people here and some who are going through exactly what you are.

((((Hugs)))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Survivor9582
♀ Member
Member # 41388
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thought about telling her husband, but I don't know if that is just being spiteful and nasty...I'm not that kind of person. But I've definitely come close to it. I guess once I hear his answer regarding the cease contact I will make my final decision about it. But I do feel that if I tell the OW's husband any chance of reconciliation between my husband and j will be gone.


Me:BW-42
Him:WH-40 (EA)
He left when confronted with the EA, refuses to talk about it, but cannot give me answers to my questions because he "doesn't know" anything.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife's PA (as far as I can tell) was preceeded by a text- and IM-based EA. I would hope that had the OM's wife noticed the EA during that time that she would have alerted me to what was going on.

So, I guess that's a wordy way of encouraging you to let the other woman's husband know.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Survivor9582, this is hard. Really hard. We all know. But think of this. Turn your situation around. What if you were the person who didn't know. Your WH, his AP, and her BH all knew, but all withheld the information from you. You're going along, living your life, wondering why things seem so tense, but no one will tell you this horrible secret that is impacting your life and the lives of your children.

Would you not deserve to know? To have the right to make choices for yourself?

Unfortunately, you cannot nice a WH back to your side. If that were possible, then this site would be deserted because that's the first thing that most people try.

But I do feel that if I tell the OW's husband any chance of reconciliation between my husband and j will be gone.

You don't have much of a chance right now. He's fired you from the job of wife you don't even know where he is, what he does, and who he's doing whatever with. If you allow him to continue to cake eat, then why would he stop? This could go on for months, this killing limbo. But if you tell the BH what's going on, you gain another pair of eyes watching out for contact. It's very likely that the OW will throw your WH under the bus to try to save her marriage.

I would also suggest that your next move is to contact a lawyer and find out what your rights are concerning spousal and child support. And custody of your children. You don't have to pull the trigger on a legal separation or divorce, but you should know what you are entitled to and how to go about pulling that trigger if you need to. Knowledge is power. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4551 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan is right. Telling the OBH is not spiteful, it is the right thing to do. Would you like to still be left in the dark?

I know how hard this is, but your best bet is to get her out of the picture. The 180 might not be a bad idea either. Remember, it's only meant to make you stronger.

Good Luck


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also let the husband know. I'm dealing with an EA also, my husband also was involved with a coworker. If she was married I would have told the spouse


Me: 32 Him WS: 33, 2 little boys
Him: EA with coworker, porn/cam/chat site/Craigslist addict. Diagnosed as SA
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
Reconciling? Maybe?

Posts: 186 | Registered: Nov 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling her husband is beneficial for a few things. He will help to ensure it to end on her side if she wants to R. While it may "be the end" for you if you tell, chances are it would have been anyway. If OW wants to stay with her H, she will drop yours quick. Your H is in the fog and wants to "think" about it while having his A and stringing you along.

It is not being nasty, spiteful or vengeful. It is outing the affair. Until the ugliness is out for all to see, it will continue to grow and fester.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.