Many years along (my rift with serial philanderer XSO was in 1998), my perspective is so so different. If he hadn't cheated and I hadn't caught him and I hadn't left him, I would not be in the wonderful place I am now. Yes, I probably still would be a very well-respected businesswoman, but I wouldn't have experienced all the personal and artistic growth that has come in the last few years. The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.
I only started painting again because it was good therapy for a broken heart. I really have to wonder if his cheating didn't propel me into a much better place.
Edited to add: Can you believe, as I was typing this, my XSO called. His ears must have been on fire!!!!
[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 1:26 PM, November 18th (Monday)]
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
Was the separation/divorce for the best all along?
Absolutely. I'm in a much better place and much happier now than I ever was while married.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
p.s. Thankfully my step-daughter's father and his new wife are truly good people.
The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.
I'm thinking if I ever need to move, I should become an ex-pat and go to Toronto!
was the best thing ever for me.
no regrets here
things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.
I wish I could have found this happiness without going through the soul crushing infidelity and divorce.
FREEDOM to think, act, dress, believe, and live as I choose to. It's still not easy by any means, but I'm no longer the frog in the pot of boiling water.
Well said NMK!
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I'm not that far out and I still have many obstacles to overcome but still I can already say without a doubt in my mind it was most definitely the best thing! I would've had a miserable life with wxh and my son would've had an awful dad. Now my son has a chance at a good life without a constant negative and bad influence and who knows what else. He is flourishing and a happy busy little adventurer. I may not have everything figured out but I can breath again and that is awesome in and of itself. I have no doubt in my mind that wxh would've made my and son's life more and more miserable. I am glad to be free of him. I am just sad it happened like it did.
I've learned a ton about myself, and wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything. I am smart, independent, a great mom, a great friend, and can kick the crap out of anything I decide I want to do.
I know the holidays are hard for some people, but all I can remember is how terrible they were with ex, how poorly he treated me. He was miserable having to be home with his wife and kids, and it showed. My final d-day was Christmas Day, three years ago.
So, for me, a Christmas where I get to be happy, and create happy memories for my kids is priceless. I no longer have to walk on eggshells, or bend over backwards trying to make him happy, or pay attention to me. I can just enjoy Christmas now.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
I'm only 2.5 years from D-Day (and still not divorced) but YES, it was for the best.
I could list just a few reasons:
No more fear.
No more wondering why he's not home - and where he is.
No more wondering if Mr. SA is off doing something awful, and that the next knock on the door might be some crazy SA woman or the police telling me had had finally done something to get himself killed.
No more feeling completely scared of him.
Or wondering WHO he really was.
No more hiding my truth from my friends and family.
No more snooping, reading, and researching his problems.
No more spinning myself into an emotional frenzy trying to fix him!
No more focusing on HIM all the time.
I'm so thankful for my separation, and the friends and family who have supported me and my children. It's been so hard - he's made it so hard - but I've grown in so many ways, and when I'm not directly dealing with him or the Divorce from Hell, I am literally thankful for every new day without him in my house. It's like a gift.
My life is my own and so much better.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
One of the biggest, yet remarkably insignificant, things is simply being able to come home at a normal time from work. I used to hide in my office until late in the evenings simply to avoid being around him at home. I am still, pleasantly, adjusting to that!
I read this and thought YES. But in my case, I would wait around at work, waiting for him every night. He would mysteriously need to work later and later. Sometimes I would stand outside his office. All his colleagues would walk by me -- they would say that he had already gone home.
But the whole time he was holed up in his office, making SA phone calls.
I still shake my head at my denial - and the humiliation of it all.
Never again. My 2.5 year separation/divorce was all worth it for these sorts of moments alone.
[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 3:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
"Funny, you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving"
I should have left long before DD but it was a case of not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave. I'm loyal to a fault - I stick to my commitments. This worked against me in a toxic and emotionally abusive M. Like the proverbial frog boiled slowly it didn't happen overnight and I was a master rug sweeper long before I heard the term here. A part of my FOO was becoming invisible in times of stress/danger.
It is absolutely for the best. I wish it had happened before we had children. I wish it wasn't due to infidelity - I thought that mountain of salt in the wound kill me or turn me into stone.
I lost myself in that quagmire. Rediscovering myself has been one of the surprising delights out of this whole mess. There are diamonds to be found here.
I think anyone can appear healthy in a healthy situation - my long-dormant FOO toxic coping mechanisms kicked in once the situation became unhealthy.