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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Was the separation/divorce for the best all along?
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to see any good when your heart is breaking and you're in a crying mess ion the sofa. I didn't think I could survive splitting with the XSO.

Many years along (my rift with serial philanderer XSO was in 1998), my perspective is so so different. If he hadn't cheated and I hadn't caught him and I hadn't left him, I would not be in the wonderful place I am now. Yes, I probably still would be a very well-respected businesswoman, but I wouldn't have experienced all the personal and artistic growth that has come in the last few years. The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.

I only started painting again because it was good therapy for a broken heart. I really have to wonder if his cheating didn't propel me into a much better place.

Edited to add: Can you believe, as I was typing this, my XSO called. His ears must have been on fire!!!!

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 1:26 PM, November 18th (Monday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7163 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was the separation/divorce for the best all along?

Absolutely. I'm in a much better place and much happier now than I ever was while married.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13701 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely worth it for me! Finally free of the burden that was a serial liar and free to do whatever I choose to do with my life again.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
soulsearcher4
♂ Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it was absolutely the best thing for me.


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely the best thing... for me and the bunch. We've never once regretted it.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15379 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As excruciatingly hard and painful as my whole ordeal was, I can see now that it is for the best that I am no longer married to that NPD person. I have a beautiful house, healthy children, good job, and FREEDOM to think, act, dress, believe, and live as I choose to. It's still not easy by any means, but I'm no longer the frog in the pot of boiling water.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2582 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no doubt the D was best for me. My xww was/is a mess on so many levels beyond the A's.

p.s. Thankfully my step-daughter's father and his new wife are truly good people.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3710 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to say yes. I would never have gone on to do many of the things I have done nor dealt with my co dependency issues. I would have continued to give up the dreams and aspirations for myself in order to further his. I wouldn't have found out so many interesting things about myself nor focused on them and truly explored who I am. I wouldn't have made the reconnectios with friends and family.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1701 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.

I'm thinking if I ever need to move, I should become an ex-pat and go to Toronto!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9467 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
259
♀ Member
Member # 22860
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

was the best thing ever for me.

no regrets here


Me = FBS
Him = gone


things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.


Posts: 286 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: my happy place (most of the time)
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was for the best for me. His life has not been good since we split.

I wish I could have found this happiness without going through the soul crushing infidelity and divorce.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7509 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Yes! Some days I wallow in regret but for the most part this is all for the best. Have to stop kicking myself for not taking the leap sooner.


FREEDOM to think, act, dress, believe, and live as I choose to. It's still not easy by any means, but I'm no longer the frog in the pot of boiling water.

Well said NMK!


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1611 | Registered: Mar 2004
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this thread. I find myself rereading the responses every few days when I'm experiencing a dip in the roller coaster. Not that I have any regrets about divorcing. I had no choice if I wanted to save myself. But it is still necessary for me to know there lies happiness in my future. And this thread gives me that extra nudge.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1585 | Registered: Dec 2012
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lynn that is awesomw. I'm so glad you are in such a good place.


I'm not that far out and I still have many obstacles to overcome but still I can already say without a doubt in my mind it was most definitely the best thing! I would've had a miserable life with wxh and my son would've had an awful dad. Now my son has a chance at a good life without a constant negative and bad influence and who knows what else. He is flourishing and a happy busy little adventurer. I may not have everything figured out but I can breath again and that is awesome in and of itself. I have no doubt in my mind that wxh would've made my and son's life more and more miserable. I am glad to be free of him. I am just sad it happened like it did.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, in the long run, it will be the best thing for me. I'm almost 3 years out now and I'm in a place I never thought I would be…graduate school, own a house, dating and pretty happy. I have never gotten used to "being alone", and that still sucks sometimes.

I've learned a ton about myself, and wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything. I am smart, independent, a great mom, a great friend, and can kick the crap out of anything I decide I want to do.

I know the holidays are hard for some people, but all I can remember is how terrible they were with ex, how poorly he treated me. He was miserable having to be home with his wife and kids, and it showed. My final d-day was Christmas Day, three years ago.

So, for me, a Christmas where I get to be happy, and create happy memories for my kids is priceless. I no longer have to walk on eggshells, or bend over backwards trying to make him happy, or pay attention to me. I can just enjoy Christmas now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the responses here.

I'm only 2.5 years from D-Day (and still not divorced) but YES, it was for the best.

I could list just a few reasons:
No more fear.
No more wondering why he's not home - and where he is.
No more wondering if Mr. SA is off doing something awful, and that the next knock on the door might be some crazy SA woman or the police telling me had had finally done something to get himself killed.
No more feeling completely scared of him.
Or wondering WHO he really was.
No more hiding my truth from my friends and family.
No more snooping, reading, and researching his problems.
No more spinning myself into an emotional frenzy trying to fix him!
No more focusing on HIM all the time.

I'm so thankful for my separation, and the friends and family who have supported me and my children. It's been so hard - he's made it so hard - but I've grown in so many ways, and when I'm not directly dealing with him or the Divorce from Hell, I am literally thankful for every new day without him in my house. It's like a gift.


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Oct 2011
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

My life is my own and so much better.


Posts: 243 | Registered: Feb 2011
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D was official only last month, but the M was over years ago. That made daily life stressful with XPOS, when he was home. I no longer have that daily stress, no longer have to play the "strategy" game that consumed me for the greater good, no longer have to spy, no longer have to walk on eggshells, etc. It is GREAT! He was a huge anchor and was literally sucking the life out of me. D is the best thing! I still face challenges, especially the debt problems he left me with, but I get to actually take steps to resolve them without constantly fighting an uphill battle with his constant spending. One of the biggest, yet remarkably insignificant, things is simply being able to come home at a normal time from work. I used to hide in my office until late in the evenings simply to avoid being around him at home. I am still, pleasantly, adjusting to that!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the biggest, yet remarkably insignificant, things is simply being able to come home at a normal time from work. I used to hide in my office until late in the evenings simply to avoid being around him at home. I am still, pleasantly, adjusting to that!

I read this and thought YES. But in my case, I would wait around at work, waiting for him every night. He would mysteriously need to work later and later. Sometimes I would stand outside his office. All his colleagues would walk by me -- they would say that he had already gone home.

But the whole time he was holed up in his office, making SA phone calls.

I still shake my head at my denial - and the humiliation of it all.

Never again. My 2.5 year separation/divorce was all worth it for these sorts of moments alone.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 3:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1640 | Registered: Oct 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a line in a Rhianna song "Stay" - I don't much like the rest of it but this one line gave me an aha moment:

"Funny, you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving"

I should have left long before DD but it was a case of not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave. I'm loyal to a fault - I stick to my commitments. This worked against me in a toxic and emotionally abusive M. Like the proverbial frog boiled slowly it didn't happen overnight and I was a master rug sweeper long before I heard the term here. A part of my FOO was becoming invisible in times of stress/danger.

It is absolutely for the best. I wish it had happened before we had children. I wish it wasn't due to infidelity - I thought that mountain of salt in the wound kill me or turn me into stone.

I lost myself in that quagmire. Rediscovering myself has been one of the surprising delights out of this whole mess. There are diamonds to be found here.

I think anyone can appear healthy in a healthy situation - my long-dormant FOO toxic coping mechanisms kicked in once the situation became unhealthy.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 22
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