Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: NotOphelia (43155)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My Marriage is over
brokenpinkribbon
♀ New Member
Member # 41301
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to go and tell the AP what she has done, a stupid 19yr old has wrecked my life and my two beautiful girls life. Can't stop crying and grieving the loss of my marriage. Had a huge row tonight with WH. 5 months on from DD, tried really hard to forgive him, but i can't seem to move on. Having had breast cancer followed by double mastectomy a year and half, makes it even worse , feeling so devastated at the moment. I have no income as I have stayed home and looked after the girls and helped run his business. Every time I wanted to get a job he always told me it would make his life so much harder. I am an emotional wreck, I don't how much more I can cope with.

BS 47 WH 46
Married 22 yrs
2 girls late teens
DD May 2013


Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
Strugglestreet
♀ New Member
Member # 40301
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry BPR, you have been through so much trauma with your health and your husbands infidelity

I know the feeling of wanting to confront her, unfortunately she probably doesn't give a shit about what she has done to your family, I don't think any of them really do!

I have noticed you are a fellow Aussie, where are you located?


BW (me) 34
WH (him) 36
Together 13yrs
Married 8years
4 Beautiful children
DD - 6th May 2013
Status - Trying to R, but fuck it's hard!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's won't help you enough to bother with her. At nineteen, she won't get what you want to convey to her. And it might feed into her ego.
Don't waste your time. I know it's hard, but try not to focus on her as much as yourself and your girls.
((((brokenpinkribbon))))


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BPR))) I am so sorry.

I understand the urge to confront OW. I did contact OW. It didn't help. In fact, it added pain. I think that, more often than not, it does.

Have you considered writing her a letter? You can confront, vent, express your feelings---then tuck it aside. You can choose whether/when to deliver/send it. Chances are, you will decide not to send it after a bit of time passes and you realize how very, very little either she or your husband thought of you.

See, here's the thing: we aren't even a consideration. We're not really a part of the equation. Best case scenario, we are discussed, plotted against, viewed as the enemy to be evaded. More often, we just don't even factor in to the affair. At all. We are boxed up and shoved into the corner of the attic, not even a consideration.

Learning that we were vilified, if that occurred, is painful. Learning that we were not even a consideration---that we, our kids, our marriages, our families were not even thought of---is excruciating.

And that is what contact with OW will bring. OW said to me, "I really didn't like you much" to explain why she decided it was all right to have an affair with my husband. It was as simple as that, and it was a punch in the gut. She had never met me. It did not occur to her that a man who would lie and cheat on his wife would lie to her. When it finally did, she felt ...betrayed. She did not accept responsibility. She blamed him. And yes, there was plenty of blame to spread around---but my point is this: she never got it. She never will.

Your OW will not, either. Even if she is remorseful, which is not likely, she will never understand, much less begin to feel the depth of your pain.

Don't give her another opportunity to show you how little you mattered.

Do not add to your pain. Find another way to cope with it. Write it in a letter, and burn it, releasing the pain with the smoke. Or keep it and add to it, releasing your pain over the next weeks and months. Post it here, and let us agree with you that she's a vile monster, and your husband a duplicitous beast.

But don't contact her. It will not give you what you are seeking.

(And I say this knowing how ridiculous it is for a woman who did not listen to this same advice to pass it on, and that you are very likely to ignore it as well---only to give the same advice later.)


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure a nineteen tear old will even realize the magnitude of this devastation. And yes don't feed into her ego. She probably has a very low self esteem and issues. Avoid her. Be the better person. Take care of yourself and your teens. Think if yourself. This will make you stronger and more confident for your DDs. Take care so sorry to hear your story.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Sep 2013
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to echo what Solus said - the big picture reason as to why you will not find any answers there with the OW is that she us not the one who wrecked your M, it is your WS. You will never know what was said between them. It is healthier to have you vision clearly on your WS...it took me a while but I got there...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo the others. This is not about the OW, but you WS. Do not validate her. See an attorney, find out your rights, and any support you can expect from your WS legally.

Take care of yourself during this time. Is he trying to help at all? Is he remorseful or being an a$$? You might even check with the local cancer support group to determine if there is a support group to help with this type of loss you are experiencing. There might be some help.

Hugs to you.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1439 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is 19yrs old...she is na´ve and not going to care in the least.

I would contact her parents. Send a letter to them. At that age she has no idea of remorse, but would succumb to humiliation and peer pressure. It is all about image and fun at this point for her.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 653 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what everone else said. I also want to point out that she is 19 now. God forbid they end up together - it won't last long. In no time she is going to wake up and wonder why she is with an old man. Because that's what he will be to her in a few years. Hugs to you.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Third Aussie here StruggleStreet and BrokenPinkRibbon :-)

I'm in a little country town in SEQld.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You also don't know what she's been told about you and the marriage. I know that the Gnat had filled his dumb whore's head full of lies about our marriage. I'm pretty sure he's convinced her that I was the one who wanted a divorce and that we were already separated when they met. I'm sure she doubts his story deep down, but she has convinced herself he is a good guy and I was the problem. So I doubt confronting her would do anything. It would probably just validate his stories that I'm a crazy bitch, etc.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 713 | Registered: Mar 2013
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear broken;

Super hugs.

I'm so sorry your cheater cheated with a girl. Yes, a 19 yr old is a girl. I read a blog about a 21 year old girl who cheated with a 60 year old guy and the wife harrassed the girl! Unbelievable to me, sorry! I wrote to her and reminded her that the girl was 21 and she got so angry with me saying to me that no 21 year old is a girl.

So my response is: both of your husbands had an affair and f'd girls - not women. To me women are females that have lived and loved (not f'd) and worked real jobs (not here and there, but a commitment) and have lived long enough to become wise.

That is not a 19 year old or a 21 year old.

I'm sorry your cheater chose a girl to f - one that is almost the same age as your own girls - his girls? You state you have 2 girls late teens. Well, 19 is late teens.

Leave the girl alone, really. She is stupid because she can't help it. She wasn't raised right, obviously. She is learning boundries, for heavens sake and is not a 40 year old that should know better. I know I sound harsh - I'm not, I'm just seeing it from the outside. Your husband is beyond words to me.

Yes - maybe the marriage is over. Only because he f'd a girl almost the same age as his children. YUCK!!!! and GROSS!!!

I'm so sorry.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
brokenpinkribbon
♀ New Member
Member # 41301
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any men in the world who are faithful?

Thank you to you all for replying yesterday, it was one of the worst days I've had so far since DD. I didn't think the feelings of devastation could get any worse but as time has goes by, it has just intensified.
I have managed to keep this from my girls so far, I hope they never find out what has happened.
I just want my old life back.
I feel guilt that I have told some close friends about what has happened, but I needed some support. Originally I didn't want anyone else to know as I was embarrassed that my marriage has failed. Now a few friends know, he can't face them ever again, so if we do try and work things out it changes how people view him and myself, has anyone else been in this position?
I worked with this girl along side my WH as we have our own business, I cant stand what they have done to me as a person, it changes you forever.
I still love my WH but I can't get past the lies, how do ever trust again.
There is obviously some problems in our marriage for this to happen, he has told me I don't make him feel like I find him attractive or lust after him enough, all of which the AP filled that void.
Losing my breasts is a very emotional path to travel, and my body image is not good, I just feel he loved having another person who was complete, it breaks my heart to think of it.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
brokenpinkribbon
♀ New Member
Member # 41301
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To mychild

Thank you for your post about not talking to this girl, I have already had words with her early on when I first found out, I had to work with her for a month before I managed to get rid of her. When I told her she will have to go, she said to me " AT LEAST I GOT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND"
Not the words you would think could come out of a nineteen year old, I was in total shock I was so close to slapping her.
Yep and what you said about our girls being a similar age I said those exact words to him to... What the hell were you thinking...!


Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
loyalwoman
♀ New Member
Member # 41365
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pinkribbon)))

You are not broken, you are whole. The only broken one here is your WH. I cannot begin to imagine everything you are going through with recovering from breast cancer and a double mastectomy and I know it messes with your body image. But I want you to hear that you are not defined by your breasts. You are SO much more than just that part of your body. You are strong, you are a survivor.

As to the 19 year-old, I commend your ability to NOT slap her. I'm impressed by your restraint.


Me (BS): 33; Him (WH): 32
Married: 6 years, together 13
D-Days: 02/07/13, 11/12/13
More information found 03/28/2014
Getting a divorce and thrilled about it!

Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2013
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel guilt that I have told some close friends about what has happened, but I needed some support.

^^^ HEY - just tell everyone you want. The only real danger is that you talk about it too much. I have never understood here the reluctance of many here to reach out to friends to talk about what happened. A BS has nothing to be ashamed of. I think it perhaps is some attempt to rescue the WS, to 'wn' them back, or to be able to pretend the A did not happen.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with MCJACK

Maybe if society aired its dirty laundry more often then others would see the repercussions of As and that it doesn't pay to be selfish.

All our friends know...the WS should feel ashamed. They should be broken down and built back up just like us.

It also puts the community on alert and watched the two like a hawk.

If you want to play with fire...you better be willing to get burned if caught.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 653 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I third that!

I'm all for public flogging today...(bad day)

But seriously, if you need support, tell people who care about YOU.
Don't do it for revenge (although, again that sounds good today)

Reaching out is important and the more people stand up and talk about this the less acceptable foolish 19yr olds, and all our na´ve and innocent youth, will find this behaviour.

I want my girls to grow up in a society where they are respected and respectful. Lying and cheating are NOT values nor should the perpetrators be lauded or protected.

Sorry, vent...phew!

My heart goes out to you and sending you hugs ((((((BPR)))))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 230 | Registered: Sep 2013
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so get where you are coming from on the ashamed part. I have only told a few people and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. He told his Dad (his Dad flew in 2 days after the PA DDay, yay). I was embarrassed to face him. He was wonderful, gave me a big hug, etc. He is seriously pissed at his son. But I was embarrassed and couldn't look at him. I didn't make any sense.

As for letting others reactions drive whether you reconcile or not, that's tough. I had one friend who reacted typically. She was very angry for me and that felt good at first. But when I told her I had to try to make this work for myself and my family she shrugged and looked at me like I was an idiot. And I get it. Before this happened to me I always said it would be a deal breaker. Simple truth is you don't know how you will react to a situation until you live it. I sincerely hope she never has to live this. I don't really talk to her a lot right now, and I don't talk to her about this situation. I just blanket statement her when she asks with "We are working on it, taking it a day at a time. Did you see XYZ movie yet?"

You have to do what you feel is right for you and your family. You can't worry about what others think or say.


WH -37
BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
EA DDay 9/23/13; PA DDay 10/21/13
DDay 3(?) 1/27/14. Affair with friends wife 7/13, multiple prostitutes over our marriage and PA with coworker 2 weeks before we got married.
Separated, in counseling.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"There is obviously some problems in our marriage for this to happen, he has told me I don't make him feel like I find him attractive or lust after him enough, all of which the AP filled that void. "

Dearest Broken: I'm glad he told you (and now we know too) that it was your fault that he had the affair! I was wondering what you had done to make him cheat on you.

OMG, girl! I'm so sorry he said any of this! Please breathe slowly and tell yourself the truth - not his lies. The truth is he is a cheater. Cheaters cheat if you tell them you love them daily. Cheaters will cheat if you have sex with them frequently. Cheaters will cheat if you are the most beautiful woman in town. Cheaters will cheat - NOT BECAUSE OF YOU - but because of themselves.

Cheaters are selfish. They are liars. They are cake eaters. They are entitled asshole fucks. They are users. They commit fraud against their spouses. They are abusers. There is a reason why this is so devastating - they took our lives and threw it on the pavement like a finished cigarette and stamped it into the ground, twisting it and pulverizing it into nothing but ash and dirt. They put themselves way above their spouses and choose the other woman (or man) over their spouse knowing that they must keep it a secret in order to have both - the spouse and the other woman(man). The other woman knows about you, almost always and yet, you know nothing. Knowing they must also keep it secret, otherwise their spouse might leave, but hey, they will take that chance won't and don't they?

"When I told her she will have to go, she said to me " AT LEAST I GOT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND" "

Oh this one is a fucking prize, isn't she? As I said, she obviously wasn't raised right. Maybe you should write her parents and ask them to help you stop this affair (even if you know it's over). Even horrible shit head parents would be embarrassed - at least I'd hope so!

And how sad for her that she thinks fucking a married man with children almost 30 years her senior is worth bragging about!

You must have money, really, because she is seriously fucked up. Only a sicko like her would say such a thing. And when I see or hear of women like this I can only think - does the man have money or something? I mean really. When I was 19, I was interested in guys - not men, for geepers sakes! When I was 21 a 25 year old guy was interested in me and I'm like, God, but he's so old!!! So really, what in heaven or hell is making this teenager want an old man - cuz baby, he is OLD. Everyone is old to a 19 year old!!!! I mean - is your town only full of old guys? Are there no 19 to 25 year old males around there? Is your Dad still around? Maybe she'd like to meet him?

Again, these bitches are just best left alone, but it's too late, you had to deal with her BECAUSE your fucktard husband fucked an EMPLOYEE!!! Gawd! I mean, really, doesn't he have any imagination? How very common of him, really. Business owners fucking employees - men have been doing that since the beginning of time. Do you have a maid? If so - watch out!

These cheaters are such assholes.

And with others knowing. Yes, I wish I had not told anyone!! Uggh. Yes, it is not our fault - but people can be such shitheads, can't they? It's no one's business, but we are so devastated that our heads are spinning and we must make it stop and maybe telling someone or everyone will make it stop, but like a top we keep spinning and then fall over after we made such a mess of spinning and telling everyone. Uggh.

And as far as your cancer. Gawd I'm so sorry. And to cheat on you after that or during... I know of a woman who's H went to strip bars when she was having her breast cancer. Such fuck heads.

Not the same, but similar in some ways = My asshat fucked prostitutes before during and after my pregnancy. I hate the man, really, really hate the man. My child (hence my name) adores him. And I am a stay at home cuz I want to be. But my therapist is like -(she said this on our first meeting) "What is wrong with you that you'd want to stay with a man like that?"

We really hit the jackpot in men didn't we? I always say - really, I couldn't have done better??? I certainly couldn't have done worse - except for molesters or murderers, ok, but really - I was scraping the bottom when I found my shit head.

But back to you. (sorry)

You are not your boobs.
You married a fuck head.
You hired a fuck head.
The fuck heads fucked.

This may be the tip of the ice berg, sweets, if it makes you feel any better or worse. It usually is in MHO... Keep that in mind when you wonder what to do. If you are feeling like you want to R - I suggest a full disclosure and a poly if you can find a competent therapist who knows of a competent poly guy/girl.

Most of us are in limbo. Limbo is fine. When you are ready you will make a full/final decision. And maybe that will take a long time. Don't worry about time limits. Work on your self esteem. Maybe just do the 180. Blow him off. Make new friends. How is your health, aside from the past cancer? Are you working out? Are you eating well?

Ya, so you aren't 19. If you were, you wouldn't have your amazing children. Like I told my fuckhead tonight = I look at him as my horrendous mistake so that I could end up with My Child. And for that I am so eternally grateful, I may just start going to church. Thank you God, Universe - Whatever - that allowed me the gift of My Child. I know you feel the same.

[This message edited by mychild at 1:52 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.