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User Topic: ptsd in betrayed spouses?
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 4:46 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Only Betrayed Spouses are allowed to post in Just Found Out. Please take a moment to read the forum descriptions and familiarize yourself with our Guidelines.

Thank you,

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37480 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
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Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting proper treatment for any condition (by a professional), typically requires a label of some kind. Even if the label is one of those "idiopathic" non-labels. I don't think we are well informed enough to decide, whose reactions are horrible enough, to warrant a PTSD diagnosis, especially if we aren't walking in their shoes or sitting in on their therapy sessions.

Post infidelity Stress Disorder (I agree that this IS a great book) appears not to be widely accepted as an actual condition, that requires a specific course of treatment, and since the symptoms mirror PTSD, it makes sense to me that many BS's are diagnosed with this.

Traumatic situations are in of themselves...NOT normal. That's what makes it traumatic. They way in which one person is traumatized, does not diminish that of the other.

Trauma is trauma, and worrying about whose PTSD is legitimate and whose isn't, seems counterproductive. If a person has been evaluated and diagnosed by a professional, and are getting an effective treatment because of it, I find that to be a positive, as they have a well laid out plan with the proper support, to aid their healing.

May anyone on this journey find peace and healing.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said refuz2. And thank you for posting that information 5454real. It's important for newbies to read and understand they have indeed experienced a trauma.

Everyone is different. What everyone will experience is different. How everyone reacts to a situation is different. No one can predict who will get PTSD symptoms and who won't. It is not fully understood. There are now other categories such as Complex post-traumatic stress disorder or multiple interrelated post traumatic stress disorder; or Continuous Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Personally, I had unresolved past traumas that didn't get addressed at the time, because they weren't a big problem for me at the time. Instead, they festered under the surface and compounded the next and, the last straw so to speak was my husband's affair. I could no longer cope. I needed help -- big time. I benefited greatly from EMDR therapy. I don't know where I would be right now without it. It is used primarily in the treatment of PTSD.

I'm glad my IC recognized what was happening and could help me. I highly recommend EMDR for any BS. If you are experiencing these symptoms. Get help. It is out there. Don't get hung up on a label and wondering if it's 'real' or not. If you are experiencing it -- it's real.

Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
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Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Armygearhead is my WH and he feels like he is also a BS and I am personally OK with him posting here. (You can read his story and why he is a BS of sorts in the wayward forum). I encouraged him to join this site so he could find support for himself and his situation.

I think he was upset that I seemed to focus more on my issues than his when we attended the family day which was meant to be supportive for him and his needs as a veteran suffering g from PTSD. It made him feel invalidated hence his post here. Just thought I would explain.

I agree that the PTSD definition does not really fit what us BS experience as it relates more to physical threat/harm.

HOWEVER, I do NOT think that minimizes in anyway shape or form what we suffer. It is a form of post trauma stress, but I can see why 3 different vets on this forum have disagreed- I certainly did not mean to minimize their suffering or compare the two. They are DIFFERENT forms of suffering but neither should trivialitize the other.

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 2:13 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see why 3 different vets on this forum have disagreed

Speaking as a vet - I'm not medically qualified to diagnose PTSD. As refuz so eloquently put it, that's up to the professionals. Even my primary care physician wouldn't make the diagnosis. It wasn't until I was seen by a neuropsychologist who specializes in brain trauma that I was diagnosed with PTSD. I've pulled dead bodies out, watched fellow shipmates die. Never was I traumatized like I was on DDay. Your mileage may vary. It's not like I'm bragging about it. I avoided being treated for 14 months. To be honest, I don't care what it's called, but my reaction to my wife's infidelity was beyond my capacity to handle. Think I'm proud of that?

Great post refuz.

ETA: Speaking as a vet - not for other vets.

[This message edited by Tred at 2:26 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnosed with PTSD and Severe Depression.
Yes it happens to us the BS from Infidelity a gift that keeps on giving.

I could see smell taste and hear all that happened on those events. I would be sitting at my desk and talking to a client and tears would run down my face flashbacks are like being in 2 places at one time and they are horrid.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was raped when I was 18. My only sibling died dramatically when I was 14. Having experienced and recovered from those two traumas without the aid of counselling or medications, I can say without a doubt that my H's infidelity has been the most traumatic event of my life. I absolutely suffered from PTSD for months after. Absolutely.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your posts and comparisons, I really appreciate your input.

I'm trying to remind myself that we all perceive life differently and yes I agree finding out about WHs infidelity is the worst trauma I have ever experienced, seconded by a miscarriage I suffered last summer. The miscarriage was horrific and I thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to me... Then dday #2 happened this summer and I am totally destroyed.

But someone different could have my same experiences and felt them differently, I don't know. What's important is how I feel and that doesn't really prove "cheating is worse than losing a baby for everyone". For me it was.

So I'm trying to respect what our vets have been through and not get into a comparison game.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The moment you said something along the lines of 'it's as if he were dead to me', I was struck with a sense of surprise. I guess surprise isn't really the right word, but I don't know what to see.
I'm surprised at how well I relate to it. I discovered just a few hours ago that my husband has been maintaining an emotional (previously physical) affair for the last nine months. It had come up a few times in the past months and I've gotten so angry and upset and hurt. But this time? I found out about six hours ago (haven't slept since) and I feel nothing. I am completely numb. It's as if my husband is dead to me.
That's almost calming, but it's incredibly tragic. He was the love of my life. I suppose I just wasn't his.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: alaska
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Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PTSD can occur in many different situations. A rape victim can suffer from PTSD. A victim of child abuse...a soldier..and a person who has been betrayed by the person they trusted the most...all of these people..and many others..can suffer from PTSD.

A person who has been betrayed and now has PTSD is just that..a person who has been betrayed. It doesn't take anything away from a soldier who has PTSD. Both can suffer from the same disorder.

I think it's possible that a WS, who for whatever reason, suffers with PTSD maybe doesn't want to acknowledge that what they did could cause their spouse to have PTSD. They don't want to believe that their actions could cause something like that. But they can. And they do.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and MDD shortly after dday#2. I can assure you my symptoms are very,very real.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:40 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7751 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've pulled dead bodies out, watched fellow shipmates die. Never was I traumatized like I was on DDay.

That's pretty much where I am. I've seen combat on three continents. I saw it go well, and I saw it go real, real bad. Watching the love of my life kiss another man was without question the worst thing I have ever experienced.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 1:46 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
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