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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My NB just came crashing down, hugs please
luvbug0915
♀ Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really struggling today. I feel so... defective.

Why? Why couldn't I look past all the baggage and bullshit and just be happy in the relationship? Why couldn't I let go of my need for control and order and just be happy living in the moment with a wonderful man (despite his baggage)?
Why couldn't I just embrace his kids, his debt, his FOO issues, his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it and just let him love me anyway?
Why did I put myself through this heartache? I knew going in 2 years ago that I could not be in a relationship with a man whose children were still dependent on him, I FUCKING KNEW!!
Why did I let myself fall in love with him?
Why didn't I let go when I should have instead of lying to myself to convince myself and everyone else that I was happy?
Why does it have to hurt so bad?


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1049 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why couldn't I just embrace his kids, his debt, his FOO issues, his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it and just let him love me anyway?

Ask yourself one more question: Why on earth would you settle for this?

(((LB)))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
luvbug0915
♀ Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right FF, I will explore that with IC next week.

BTW, he had been coming with me to IC for quite some time for couples counseling. Last week he wasn't there so IC took some time to be brutally honest with me. She said "luvbug, I have watched you bend over backward to make this relationship work. Session after session he comes in here with a list of things you've done wrong and it's always you who needs fixing but he's not willing to do the work that I have recommended that is necessary to make this relationship successful." She then went on to tell me that she would no longer council the two of us that or him individually because her primary focus is me and that I have been left floundering for too long to appease him. I was dx with RA back in the spring and we haven't even touched on the emotional implications of that for me.
I have a feeling we will have a lot to talk about for the next several sessions.


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1049 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes its easier to stay in a bad relationship than to be alone and have to face all of our own demons. When you are alone.... you have to really take a good look at yourself.... and there is no SO fogging the mirror. My sister has a lot of issues....and my sperm donor has a lot of issues....and they are constantly in some sort of toxic relationship to avoid having to face themselves and their own issues. Think more highly of yourself! You deserve so much more than you have allowed and put up with for so long! Good for you for finally realizing it and moving on without this guy! ((HUGZ))


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh luvbug, my heart is breaking fro you

Why? Why couldn't I look past all the baggage and bullshit and just be happy in the relationship? Why couldn't I let go of my need for control and order and just be happy living in the moment with a wonderful man (despite his baggage)?
Why couldn't I just embrace his kids, his debt, his FOO issues, his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it and just let him love me anyway?

But you did let him love you. And you loved him. But you know that love is not enough to keep a relationship healthy. And what really struck me about what you said is this:

his lack of basic self care and his unwillingness or inability to change any of it

It is ok to have baggage. Hell, at our age the only way to NOT have baggage is if you were in a coma for the last 20+ years! But to then do nothing to heal and do nothing to carry you own baggage is not healthy. You have been working on healing yourself for at least as long as I have known you. And you did try, really try with him. But you cannot fix someone else, as much as you may want to.

Finally I think him telling the kids was really a low blow. Hell, it has only been a couple of days since you and he made this decision and it will be 2 months before you will be able to move out anyway. It just set everyone up to have a really really awkward holiday season. And who knows what his bat shit crazy ex will do with this information.

Stay strong luv. You have been thru so much, you can get thru this too. Do whatever you can to get rid of the stress that comes with this because you know stress just aggravates your RM.

((((HUGE HUGS)))))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17681 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
seekingright2013
♀ Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Luvbug)))

So sorry you're going through this.

A thought -- unless he's paying back in December the whole amount he owes you, draft a promissory note with payment schedule for him to sign. Get it in writing. Jmho.

Glad you're in IC, sounds like your counselor is a good one!


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
luvbug0915
♀ Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Shelly. I never thought of this relationship as toxic because there has never been any fighting or ugly words between us. But now that you said that I have to consider how negative my energy has become and in a body that is struggle with several auto immune diseases that negative energy certainly has turned toxic in my body. Perhaps this is the reason why I haven't been able to get my RA symptoms in check even with medication changes?

Dreamy, thank you for being my friend. You know me so well and your advice and encouragement are always spot on. Him telling his kids is definitely a low blow, he is usually much more thoughtful than this. I must say that his kids are behaving very well and not really making this any harder than it already is.

He did ask me last night when I thought I'd be able to move out. Really?? I told him he knows what I make and he knows what my bills are and there is no way I can move before the first of the year unless he pays me everything he owes me. I also know what he makes and what his bills are and there is no way he will be able to pay me all of what he owes in December. If (and thats a huge IF) he budgets accordingly he should be able to pay me off by Jan 3rd or 17th. Then he still has to pay the $2500 in vet bills for our dog that will be staying with him when I move. The care credit is in my name and he says he will pay it in full before the 6 month no interest terms are up in May.

seekingright, he really is an honorable man and he will do what he says but it probably won't happen on the right time schedule because he is just so financially irresponsible.


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1049 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
Topic Posts: 27
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