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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A Little Help Please
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! What a horrible situation to be stuck in. I have some advice for you that you may not like. Having lived with an unremorseful, wayward husband for nine months, while he went off to see 'the woman he loved' under my nose, while I almost lost my mental health for good, and having seen the MASSIVE difference FOR THE GOOD it made when he eventually left me, I can say this. Giving up some of your income (however galling that is) is NOTHING compared to the misery of putting up with continuing this marriage. It will wreak havoc on your son too. My advice is to put his stuff on the driveway, tell your son exactly why you're doing this, and then divorce him as fast as you can. PLEASE don't hesitate because of your age - I'm your age and I have a whole new life (and a new man), new friends, a new job and a wonderful relationship with my kids. I've thanked God every day that my husband left.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ddmmaad,

Life sure does suck the big one sometimes.

No amount of 'money' is worth living in hell.

My exH(many years ago) still to this day does not realise that when he smugly walked away with half the money that I would have given him the whole lot just to be shot of him forever. (I wanted a number plate that said 'I WIN' )

Your WH is holding you to ransom...what a bully. Crikey, I would be tempted to give all my money to a cats' home and start again.

Money is not what life is about.

Love, that's what makes the world go round...
The giving and receiving of love. Even the thought makes me feel lighter and look, I can see the sun coming up on a beautiful new day.

((((hugs)))) and strength x



There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently....you are happy with what you had. You value your family. He doesn't and are you going to continue to be okay with that, just because of the past? He clearly has no respect for you or care about you if he is openly having the affair. He is continuing to do it, because there are no consequences. You stayed and put up with it...at this point you are a doormat.

Perhaps he will not split, because he doesn't want to deal with child support. So he refuses to leave and stays while doing what he wants.

Speaking of children...is this what you want your son to see how women should be treated like?

You need to leave. You know you deserve better. You answered your own question.

This is no fog...this man has written you off. If he loved you...he would have some remorse...he would definitely not contact her in front of you.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read more....correction...he isn't afraid of child support.

He is afraid of losing his free ride. Kick him out...let him live with his girlfriend or parents. He is not your child. He is not your responsibility.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what State you guys live in, but it is total bullshit that these cheating spouses have so much power and rights legally.

I would do more research to play the system in your state.

The cheating spouse gets alimony? He cheats and benefits? What protection do you get?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my state that is exactly what happens, especially if the cheater has been unemployed a long time...Somebody who has NEVER worked in many years or who can claim he or she is too disabled to WORK is eligible to get permanent alimony..Also 1/2 pension, ect..This financial arrangement after D might be doable for wealthier sole breadwinners, but not me..

I agree money isn't everything but people like me would be struggling too much to survive day to day after a D to feel much peace and liberation...

It takes TIME and PATIENCE to figure out the system and how it works.. Much of what happens in D settlement is about what economic/health/employment status the spouses are and the what level of financial dependance or independence they have from the other..

So in a pending D in my state, the cheater can play the system by not working and staying financially dependent on the breadwinner spouse..In a longer marriage with an older couple, the cheater spouse can be more successful at playing the system enough to rape the breadwinner spouse financially in a D thus ruining the breadwinner spouses future..

In my state one cannot throw out the cheating spouse if the cheating spouse refuses to leave unless there is a restraining order involved..

Yes, cheaters seem to have way too much power and too many rights legally...

I think our state's legal system makes a contested D so difficult and expensive in efforts to minimize the number of these cases going thru the courts..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:00 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Nov 2011
ddmmaad
♀ New Member
Member # 41132
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to thank everyone again for the replies. It really helps to hear what you already know from other people that have been there. My friends, although great, just want to see us back together and my therapist, although highly recommended, isn't helping all that much. But, I still don't know how I'm going to get him out of the house. BTW, about a month ago, I threw bags of his clothes on her front lawn and then he wanted to talk. Told me that he doesn't want to live with her but just be on his own to do what he wants. I shouldn't have let him back in the house then!!! He's probably losing his license next week due to DWI and he's says that he's just staying "wherever" all weekend because he doesn't want to drink and drive. I don't even know who he is anymore. I keep telling myself that I want to wait until after the holidays to make a move but not sure if that's just an excuse to delay.


Me: 52
WH: 50
Married 15 years with a terrific 14 year old son
D-Day 1 - Jan 15, 2013
D-Day 2 - Sept 13, 2013

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Jersey
Heartbroke40
♂ New Member
Member # 36089
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you but lets try and look at some positives. You are 52, we all know people who for some reason or another have had to file bankruptcy and are able to rebound to be better off financially then they where prior to that point. Also remember he only gets half of pension that likely he wont be able to draw on until you retire, and courts may award some palimony but more than likely you will end up with custody so that will be a wash of money coming in and out. You are able to fend yourself he will be the one hurting at the end of this. You have something to offer in life. What does he have? As soon as you cut him off he will soon figure out how good he had it and might even try fix it.

It's time for you to come first, and it is not to late to do it. I really do wish you the best and still wonder what makes people do these things to the people they supposedly love.


BH 40
WW 40
DD 1 06-04-2012
DD 2 06-22-2012
Currently working on the R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2012
ddmmaad
♀ New Member
Member # 41132
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, I have substantial 401K's and I think I'd have to pay him off ASAP. Been spending as much cash as I can...

But, I have another question to throw out to the group. He is home most week nights and makes dinner for my son (and by default me). I travel quite a distance for work so I rarely get home before 7-7:30. It is a big help to me so I kinda want to keep him around for that. Crazy?


Me: 52
WH: 50
Married 15 years with a terrific 14 year old son
D-Day 1 - Jan 15, 2013
D-Day 2 - Sept 13, 2013

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Jersey
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not crazy really, however there are alternatives. If you are near a college campus, you could pay a struggling student to cook for your son and do light housekeeping a few nights a week. I'd be willing to bet it would cost you less than deadbeat is costing you. You could also cook meals in advance so that all DS would have to do is heat it up. You have more options - just gotta think it out.


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(()) There are two points here. One, your son is not a tiny child. He is a teenager who needs adults he can look up to. My son was his age when his dad started cheating. However much you think you shelter them from what's happening, they know. When it all fell apart in the end, my son and daughter told me they not only knew, they were keeping a pretence up FOR MY SAKE. And as for letting him stay until after the holidays??? You know the answer to your own questions, really. This is so hard, and the financial thing is really, really galling. But I'd retrace back to when you put his stuff on the lawn and then 'shouldn't have let him back in'. No, you shouldn't. Try that one again. Getting him out, HOWEVER much it costs you financially, is your route to peace of mind and A LIFE.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm kinda confused on the financial thing. Yeah, if you D him now, you lose half. But if you keep supporting him now, let him spend your money, let him run up debt, you are going to be worse off in the end if you decide to D anyway. He can legally suck you dry at this point. At least half is protected if you start the D..

Thank God I started the D. He's run up so much debt since I filed, and guess what? NOT MY PROBLEM. ANY OF IT.

I agree with finding an alternative to your son getting dinner. You don't need this guy for anything..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the financial thing..

What seems to be the thing that keeps so many of us living in an in house separation is that we CANNOT afford to give up that 1/2.. or there is some other simultaneous complicating circumstance that may be happening..

My case in point...

If one isn't healthy enough to work full time, and only makes a little over $1000 a month in pension, than how does one live on 1/2 of that? Until I have that one figured out, regain my health, or finish getting my ducks in a row ( whichever comes first) I cannot afford my own place..

I don't think I could live in the same house with WH once I file for D even though that is a smart move to protect myself from further debt......There are no joint accounts of any kind that he can spend from...

What I say/write below of my situation seems to be a common scenario that applies to many other people...

Once I have WH served, I better already be gone.. I will already have to have moved anything of mine with actual or sentimental value ( including my beloved pets) to a safe place before WH gets served..This is why I have to afford/secure a place of my own before I file..
If WH is forced out of the home and I retain exclusive possession, than I am gonna be in the ugly position of looking over my shoulder, to avoid physical danger/ retaliation from him...

I don't have anybody to stay with who would allow me to bring my beloved doggie companions( and support me until I get on my feet) or I would have been gone already as of a couple of months ago... I would rather hang in there and figure out a way to live on my own where I wouldn't have to be without my beloved companions.... (substitute kiddo for doggie and you have the problem of many SAHM's)

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:37 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Nov 2011
ddmmaad
♀ New Member
Member # 41132
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. You're right of course - my son is not a child anymore although it is important to me that he's not out running wild every night. My WH does help in that regard. But, there is always another way. We'll figure it out. Want to say that I have been feeling better the last few days. Just the simple act of finally getting his phone off our shared account so I don't look at all the calls to the OW helped tremendously. I know there will be dark days ahead but this little victory feels good. I'll keep you posted.....


Me: 52
WH: 50
Married 15 years with a terrific 14 year old son
D-Day 1 - Jan 15, 2013
D-Day 2 - Sept 13, 2013

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 34
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