Anyone with experiences with polygraphs? I just need to know the truth for any healing to start and the fact of her constant lies made it impossible to believe her.
I know someone who passed one when he shouldn't have. Then had the nerve to brag about it.
The polygraph definitely measures SOMETHING, but whether it's measuring truth vs. lies is really not clear at all, unfortunately.
Sorry you are going through this. From reading a lot here, it's very common for WSes to lie like a rug in uncharacteristic ways. Whenever possible, phone and internet records and reliable second parties you can use to verify stories are probably the best fallbacks.
"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."
I think the thing that gets them to quit lying is to yank them out of their fog so fast it will make their head spin. Having a spouse served with S or D papers is a great one. Having them come home to find all their stuff in trashbags in the driveway. That sort of thing making them realize they are about to loose everything is more effective in getting the truth, and moving forward than a poly. Just my opinion, the funny thing was when my H said he would take one or do anything to help me heal, that's when I no longer saw the need for one.
I should add that while the test brought immediate relief, it didn't cure everything. It also brought about a "parking lot confession" which was not earth-shattering but significant. It was also a rather humiliating experience for both my H and myself, despite the fact that I had not committed adultery. I was disgusted and embarrassed that our M was so screwed up that some stranger was required to hear and measure the degree of crap that my H had subjected both of us to. Additionally, I had to accept that the polygraph was measuring the past and current moments, but not the future; I had to decide how to think about the future based on a successful polygraph and the past.
It's also important to make sure you get a qualified examiner, and you should expect the test to consist of about 5 or so questions; questions that must only be "yes/no" answers, and which don't involve emotions or plans (such as, Did you love your AP? Did you plan to marry her/him? Better questions are Did you tell your AP that you loved them? Did you propose marriage? etc.) Emotional states are too subjective and can change, and many people have varying definitions of what constitutes a "plan." Anyway, yes, we took one and found it helpful even if it had clear limitations.
[This message edited by lostworld at 5:30 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
We found a MC (and CSAT) who regularly uses polygraphs to deal w/SA and multiple As. First thing the MC did was to screen my SAH for personality disorders (mainly NPD) because those people can trick the test. My SAH was not PD so we were accepted into the MC. (MC also told me it would be no use to R w/NPD-and he will not deal w/them.)
It did help me so much. My SAH read a timeline, answered my questions w/MC present and then took a polygraph to prove everything told was truth.
I think it helped to have a MC present and guiding me through the questions, process of disclosure and SAH's polygraph. I do not feel the need to snoop because my SAH just takes a test once a year now. I feel like I have all the parts to the puzzle and we can work on addressing the other issues in the M.
I think under the controlled atmosphere of MC-guided polygraph and disclosure, a BS could benefit.
Good luck and peace to you! ccg
I had mine done with a specialist from the FBI.
As he said, you cannot beat a polygraph when administered by a professional.
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
And she resisted, and there was a reason. I received TT 9 months later. It was good that she came clean on her own, but it was also painful on me and it delayed our recovery (or maybe it didn't, who really knows).
Through time, I still reached the same point I needed to, regardless,
1) I accepted that I may never know all the truth with or without a lie detector test.
2) I currently have enough information to make the right decisions.
3) I am confident she will not cheat again based on the work we both have done and how we have learned.
4) If I'm wrong with 3) above, I am confident I will see the red flags. They are so obvious now. I have learned so much.
5) If I'm wrong with 3 or 4) above, I will only need to make new choices. I will be ok.
[This message edited by still-living at 1:27 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.
These are just my thoughts, so take what works and leave the rest.