Sadly, this psychopath (boiler bunny is often used here), she chose us, and I do mean both of us.
She knew we were both grieving and caring for terminally ill family members, dealing with estates, of my husband's past with child abuse - (generally we were both mentally and physically drained and had to go in opposite directions due to where our families are located) and knew how to push the all the right buttons. His AP (aka IT) was so nice and helpful, and used all this to lure my husband in, while I trusted IT as a friend.
This affair wasn't about love, but a psychopath wants control, and to destroy good people to give their lives meaning.
So, while this is hard to think of them together , I knew this wasn't MY husband. He honestly became his scummy Father after his Dad's unexpected death on top of everything else we were dealing with, with this psychopath's grooming, stalking - and I mean serious stalking - and mental controlling tactics.
IT (nothing human here), was my husband's father's neighbor and confidant, even told my husband - "you know your dad always envisioned us together. He knew we were soul mates." Soul mates - hahahhahaha - is one of the classic lines used by Psychos.
When things came out, I couldn't give in or up on my husband to this ALIEN creature.
So how am I dealing with it? I still get triggered, but know I have to control myself and not give IT any more power in our lives.
My husband's basically wants vomit at the thought of what he did. But he too doesn't want to give IT any more power either. IT's taken too much of our time, energy and emotion already.
AND we could not have gotten through this without counseling. My husband is still in counseling, and we are now both aware of how prevalent psychopaths are in the world.
Check out these books. Psychopath-free, or The sociopath next door, or The gift of fear for more reading on these types of social pariahs . THey are hard reading at times (I cried a lot while my husband became furious, and we both felt like fools for falling for IT's game , but these along with Infidelity: a survivor's guide, really put things into perspective for us.
Sadly our situation was a perfect storm of life events, trauma and a psychopath's wish to create havoc to give some meaning to IT's very sad, pathetic life. Yet we feel sorriest for her husband and kids, because while we can move on, they can't.