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Newest Member: walker2014 (44332)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still works with her
Emptynester3
♀ New Member
Member # 41309
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW still works with my husband in the office right next to him where it all started. She has been looking for a full time position for several years, but after I found out about the affair 13 months ago, husband told her she really has to leave and she agreed. When my husband told her that I knew and that he'd never seen me more angry or upset, she ran off crying. We were acquaintances.. Our children were friends. I always talked to her at company events and when I came into the office. I bought her a Christmas present every year.. Except for the last 3 years I guess. My husband owns the company with his best friend from college. He employs about 20 people (18 of them men). OW is not someone that I thought my husband would ever be attracted to. In fact, she worked there for 7 years and he barely had anything to do with her until she started having marital problems and started crying in her office and then stopping by at night when she saw he was there. Shortly after Dday I demanded NC but this was somewhat impossible. He had to sign checks. She had to ask him questions etc. She resented the fact that she could no longer talk to him. Every day when he goes to work I get anxious knowing that she will be there. My husband used to leave the house early ,drive to her condo to have sex with her before work. Then he would go to work and she would come in a little later. I can't believe he would have sex at 7:00 in the morning!
I haven't been able to stop in at work to see him this last year because she is there. Instead.. I have to meet my husband across the street at the bakery for lunch. We own the building and I can't even go in it! Wish I could burn it down really! Sometimes I sit in my parked car to watch her leave and walk to her car. I don't know why I do this. She finally found another job. She will be leaving in a few weeks. She's offered to train a new person if necessary. She is involved in the financial aspect of the business, which sucks! This is weird but part of me feels that I will miss the drama of always asking I'd she's still there, watching her car come or go etc. or maybe subconsciously I feel that she may have the answers to questions that my husband has been unable to answer. I want to ask my husband if I can look through her office before she leaves... For any evidence of their affair or her affection for him. Is this a ridiculous request or an invasion of her privacy?I apologize for ranting. Just needed to vent I guess.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. WH also works with OW, sadly there is no immediate (or even future) plans for either of them to leave. I completely understand the anxiety every.single.day of the week, sending him there, sending him TO her.

I would be THRILLED if she would get another job. I'm not sure why this is causing anxiety in you, but maybe others who have gone through it can help. The only thing I can think is that you still don't have all your answers and she is a possible source that will soon no longer be a possibility and these questions will go unanswered forever. Why has WH not given you the answers you are still looking for? Would you consider speaking with OW? I know many say not to, but if it would give you some kind of closure it might be worth it.

Maybe the thought of her going away means starting some real healing and that is a scary next step? Idk, but I DO know the agony of having the OW still be in his life, I'm sorry you've had to deal with this also, it sucks.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
queenofpixies
♀ New Member
Member # 41295
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband works in the same place as the former OW…not directly with her or even in the same department so they never see each other, but it still bothers me. They have the same schedule so there is always the chance encounter possible either before or after work in the parking lot. They also have mutual friends that work there too and it bugs me. She won't leave her job and I don't want him to, he adores his job and worked 10 years to get it. I am always hoping she will somehow get fired. I still check her FB page and Tumblr page to keep an eye on her as much as I can. I am starting to really trust him again but I don't trust her one bit. At least I am not in the dark anymore…if something happened I would know. He would tell me. She actually cornered him about 3 weeks after he moved back in with me and he told me right away. I honestly don't know if I will ever get past her working there.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe the situation of having OW working with your H keeps you immersed in Affair-world. If they could be totally NC, you could start to realize that the A is over. You could start to fill your time and your life with positive things.

If you need more answers about the A, get them from your H. Focus on the relationship between the two of you. Sometimes I think we obsess about OW (and I absolutely include myself in this) because it's easier than facing the pain between us and our H's.

I can tell you that going No Contact with OW has been so healthy. I am now mostly mental NC with her, too (no time wasted wondering about her--she is a stranger and not my problem). It's like a breath of fresh air.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
ladya
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give yourself time. You will gradually reclaim those parts of your life but it takes time. I couldn't drive by "their" places for a very long time. MONTHS Then, all of the sudden I realized I was driving by those places and not even realizing it. Take baby steps but expect set-backs. Eventually you will realize that you have gained your life back and kicked her out of it. Don't be so hard on yourself.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 883 | Registered: Jul 2010
Emptynester3
♀ New Member
Member # 41309
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your quick and honest responses. I truly appreciate it. As I sit here and read them, tears are running down my cheek . I realize that for the first time in a year I don't feel alone. It is so sad that we all have to be here, but I'm so grateful for your support. I have to think that something positive will come from all of this pain.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW still works with OM. It hurts every day. She alternates between saying that she's going to look for a new job and saying that she's going to stay, which gives me hope, then crushes it.

R is much, much harder when they stay in contact, even if it's only through work.

To be honest, I don't know if I'll last like this. I hope that she makes the only choice that makes any sense, which is to get as far away from AP as possible.

All this to say, you're not alone.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 508 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You really want some peace? This is about having some courage. I will make a suggestion about how to get the results YOU want.

It is time to start talking to your H about this.. You must know in your heart this is good for the marriage. Everything you must do is good for the M.

I would start with very ligth pressure.. Do make this harder than it needs to be. Take this slow..it is your plan for your happy future.

Emptynester3, "I don't feel safe with her in the office. I want you to lay her off (terminate her but let her get unemployment). Now what do you want for dinner?" Now no more responce by you.. NO argue, no debate, no more discussion. If he wants to respond, just listen. COOK away. That will be hard but YOU can do this. Keep it quick and simple.

Then wait for awhile and see what he does...

Give it say.. 2 weeks... Now you lay this on him..

Emptynester3, "Ok, so you don't respect what I want. I am ok with that." Now you 180 the heck out of him. NO SEX.

Give that a month or so..

Then you go buy a book about things like.. What it is like being single again.. relearn what it you need to be single.. Read it right in front of him.

Say nothing in responce if he says anything.

Final.. Is the ultimatum.
Emptynester3, "I will not live in unsafe feelings. Since you want me to feel unsafe, You make are making the choice to D me. I am ok with that.. Will you please move in the other room." Be ok with it. It will be something he wants.

let him make the choice... I feel pretty good if he is still not messing around with her.. You will get postive results. IF you get to the point of utlimatum after those weeks gone by.. Face it, he is still in a relationship with her.

I think you will find your M much stronger if he does what HE MUST DO.

OK.. before the point of utlimatum (by the ultimtum know what I told you so, NO reward.), should he lay her off.. The day it happens.. YOU ROCK HIS WORLD. That will be very attractive to him.

My W.. She knew what to do.. she took a risk and quit her job. I now reward her greatly for making that choice.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:59 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2668 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't you go into the building office? That's just silly. Think about it; if you make your presence known & show the world how well the R is going is going to make her squirm. Mr Lucky worked with OW for about 18 months after d-day ... He was in no position to get rid of her but he could firmly establish NC. Once I reclaimed the place & made my presence known, and I'd pop in unannounced A LOT she hated it. It made her really pissed off to where she quit so dramatically she can never be re hired
Don't hide from her. Reclaim it and move from affair~land to the land of living, healing and being healthy.

UPDATED TO ADD: use caution and common sense about laying her off. She could scream sexual harassment & unfair dismissal so fast she could keep you tied up in court for years . You don't solely own the company, your H's partner may not be happy about a lawsuit or loss of company due to his partners stupidity.

[This message edited by Lucky at 2:57 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, don't go through her office. That's a lawsuit waiting to happen. You don't work for that company. Just be happy she'll be gone soon.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1779 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lucky

Sexual harrasment.. SO WHAT. That is the consquence he must pay.. Let him figure out how to get rid of her legally.. He made his bed, now he must man up. He owns this business and is likely very smart and business savy..He will figure it out. Money is NOT worth it.. Do not fear Empty.. he will do fine.

A Masculine man FIXES his issues. You want a MAN or a boy Empty?

Empty said..

13 months ago, husband told her she really has to leave and she agreed.

Your H or OW is not living up to his/her agreement. Call him on it. I predict you will get what you must have.. Peace.

Stong is attractive.. weak is not.

Report back to us how your pressure is going... if you have the courage. This is about YOU and nobody else.

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:16 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2668 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Emptynester3
♀ New Member
Member # 41309
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW will be gone after this week finally. I had suggested that he lay her off early on after D day but husband was afraid of sexual harassment suit. She brought up calling her lawyer to his partner several times. He wants her gone too! One day when I ranted about her still being there he went into the office and emailed her a list of employment opportunities, some of which were not in the area. She ran out crying, then later called him on his cell and said "I know you want me gone but, you want me to move also"? Husband called me to ask if he could just call and check on her because her son had called looking for her and she didn't answer either phone. Because he sounded nervous , like he had caused her to be upset, I told him that it was ok to call just so he knew she didn't try to kill herself or something. I later regretted that decision and that night I blew up and said " you must tell your business partner about the affair so that you don't have to deal with her anymore. NC ever again or I'm gone! I said I must be a f...ing idiot telling you it was ok to call her at my expense. This scared him ! I have not seen OW face to face and I don't know how I would react to seeing her. I do wish I had the balls to just walk in there and pretend she didn't exist but I'm afraid I might do or say something out of anger or worse ... cry. I have fantasizes about making a big scene in the office.It involved name calling, spray paint and keying! No one in the office except his partner knows about the affair. I would like to see her squirm though!

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2013
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Empty,

The OW still works for my husband. He owns the business and she's his GM. I actually became involved in the business once I became suspicious. All of their contact is through me now. At times, I feel intimidated or jealous because she knows more about our business than I do but my husband constantly reminds me that she works for me....not the other way around. If the OW had an office, you better believe i would go through it. I check her mailbox every time I'm there. I've watched surveillance video's of her when she has to interact with my husband. It's my business!! If she doesn't like it, she can leave. There's no way I could not go in there and let her know what's up. She now knows that I determine if she has job tomorrow.

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW will be gone after this week finally.

Good! Good for YOU and good for the M.

Did it finally just come to pass, or did you ask him to live up to his agreement?


Posts: 2668 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Emptynester3
♀ New Member
Member # 41309
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW found another job and left a letter of resignation on my husband's desk, which he quickly brought home to me. Now I'm getting anxious over who her replacement will be. OW will be training her no doubt.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2013
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW worked for H, for 8 months after DD. I insisted she be fired the last 4 months of that 8 months. Management was afraid of sexual harrassment suits also. I did not move past DD one step, until she was gone. I actually moved into PTSD. She taunted me in person. She is evil. She traveled with them. Was everywhere H was. EVeryday. I couldnt risk H job. There was absolutely no healing . until long after she left. And I still refuse to go to their offices. Its a horrible trigger. And coworkers are regularly in contact with her. I felt so helpless. When I demanded it....or I was leaving, It finally happened. .... 8 months late. but it happened. It was a huge relief. Sick thing is, I felt I couldnt keep track of them as well if she wasnt working. SHe was free to be anywhere anytime. Its all sick. This made me very sick. No contact is the only hope for R.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Emptynester3
♀ New Member
Member # 41309
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His office is a huge trigger for me also because that is where the making out and oral sex started. Husband told me in his timeline that I once walked in the office on a Saturday when they had just been making out in the kitchen 5 minutes earlier! Wish I had caught them in the act! I know how you feel about worrying more when she isn't working there. I live 5 minutes away from his office so sometimes I get a little paranoid when I notice that his car is in a different parking spot and hers is gone. I can't believe I have to waste my time obsessing over this after trusting this man for 30 years! How did we get here?

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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